Discussion
tonyvid said:
Not as I understand things - I believe CBT is based around training yourself and mind to think in new patterns but it could be linked. I think Mindfulness is more about using all your senses and receptors to fully involve(or distract when stressed or on the verge of a panic attack) yourself in what you are doing. I'll give the example of the Panto I went to at the weekend - rather than sit there and not really "be there" because you are full of intrusive thoughts, you use all your senses to take everything in you can - the noise, the sights, the atmosphere, those around you, the smells. You shout, boo, clap and dance rather than being shut off.
Having done both, my view is that both are based around training your mind to think in new patterns. CBT asks you to identify and tackle each negative thought as it arises, until that is second nature or those thoughts stop coming. Mindfulness is about changing your reactions to thoughts holistically, globally. It's like jumping in the steam to divert each surge of water as it comes vs pulling yourself out on the side and letting it all wash past.Edited by oldbanger on Friday 9th January 00:10
The way it was explained to me is that there's a game of chess being played out in your head, a vicious game where pieces are being hacked apart in the fight of good vs evil. Quite often, you find yourself siding with one colour in the game, you back the good fight - you want good thoughts and the bad negative thoughts should be defeated, so you're rooting for one side to win, and it's crushing to you when the other side gain an advantage, or even look like winning.
With mindfulness, you have to get yourself to accept that the game is going to carry on whether you like it or not, and you have to be a part of it that has no influence on the game, you're just there, taking it in. You cant be a player, they still have an influence. You cant be a piece in the game, they've got an interest in who wins and loses too. The only thing left to be is that chessboard. It doesnt care whether white wins or black wins. It can pick itself up and move to another room, and let the game carry on if the game wants to, without judgement but just noticing.
When you get to that sort of level of mindfulness you're really just taking in that these things are there, they're your senses and thoughts, your patterns of destruction and self truth and it's OK for them to be there doing their thing while you choose to watch, or choose to go do some ironing.
This was part of ACT, which differs from CBT in that CBT can often come across as trying to control negative thoughts and say that they're wrong, or it's wrong to have them. CBT didnt work for me as it tends to shame you for your negative thoughts. Shaming makes you clam up and not explain anything, and it's really unmotivating to be ashamed of something you've done. Guilt creeps in on that one as well, guilt distances you from everything and everyone, which makes you feel you're doing this alone.
ACT worked better because it acknowledges that these thoughts are there, you made them, it's OK to have them and it's OK to do the opposite of what they're telling you to avoid
With mindfulness, you have to get yourself to accept that the game is going to carry on whether you like it or not, and you have to be a part of it that has no influence on the game, you're just there, taking it in. You cant be a player, they still have an influence. You cant be a piece in the game, they've got an interest in who wins and loses too. The only thing left to be is that chessboard. It doesnt care whether white wins or black wins. It can pick itself up and move to another room, and let the game carry on if the game wants to, without judgement but just noticing.
When you get to that sort of level of mindfulness you're really just taking in that these things are there, they're your senses and thoughts, your patterns of destruction and self truth and it's OK for them to be there doing their thing while you choose to watch, or choose to go do some ironing.
This was part of ACT, which differs from CBT in that CBT can often come across as trying to control negative thoughts and say that they're wrong, or it's wrong to have them. CBT didnt work for me as it tends to shame you for your negative thoughts. Shaming makes you clam up and not explain anything, and it's really unmotivating to be ashamed of something you've done. Guilt creeps in on that one as well, guilt distances you from everything and everyone, which makes you feel you're doing this alone.
ACT worked better because it acknowledges that these thoughts are there, you made them, it's OK to have them and it's OK to do the opposite of what they're telling you to avoid
Edited by andy-xr on Friday 9th January 09:36
It does 
I'm finding it very difficult to explain, or open up to what is going on, to even my nearest/dearest. Unless you have had experience of depression it seems very hard to understand it. I guess the same goes for chronic pain but most people have experienced something like this, even in small doses.
I'm finding it very difficult to explain, or open up to what is going on, to even my nearest/dearest. Unless you have had experience of depression it seems very hard to understand it. I guess the same goes for chronic pain but most people have experienced something like this, even in small doses.not sure where to start...........
I think it's realising what i had then it being taken away and finding it hard to get back to what i had.
few months ago, left job after 9yrs (relocated due to wife) and now surrounded by people who dont have the same interest as i do. makes me feel all alone & depressed.
yes there are people online who have same interest as i do, but i miss the 1-2-1 connection.
examples.
i really enjoy watching films tv programnes and going to the gym. whilst in my last job, i had a variety of work colleagues who was interested in them. which was great made me more social with everyone and i was happy, yes work had it's ups & downs, but having people around you to talk to really helped.
Now in new job, no one has any interest in anything i do, they look at me strange. am currently trying to change the job front situation, but takes time.
I'm happy when i do the gym and eat healthy, but its hard to share that with someone who doesn't understand it (wife) i've tried explaining.lol
You hear the saying, surround yourself with positive people.
well on the weekend, i went to part 1 of my level 2 PT course, and it was so much fun chatting to people who share the passion and knowledge that i like to do in the gym. and made new friends.
but then it's back to the norm when i leave.
They say if you can't change the people around you, then change your environment. which i am currently trying to do, just feels like a struggle, spending about 7-8 hrs a day depressed.
sorry for rambling on.
I think it's realising what i had then it being taken away and finding it hard to get back to what i had.
few months ago, left job after 9yrs (relocated due to wife) and now surrounded by people who dont have the same interest as i do. makes me feel all alone & depressed.
yes there are people online who have same interest as i do, but i miss the 1-2-1 connection.
examples.
i really enjoy watching films tv programnes and going to the gym. whilst in my last job, i had a variety of work colleagues who was interested in them. which was great made me more social with everyone and i was happy, yes work had it's ups & downs, but having people around you to talk to really helped.
Now in new job, no one has any interest in anything i do, they look at me strange. am currently trying to change the job front situation, but takes time.
I'm happy when i do the gym and eat healthy, but its hard to share that with someone who doesn't understand it (wife) i've tried explaining.lol
You hear the saying, surround yourself with positive people.
well on the weekend, i went to part 1 of my level 2 PT course, and it was so much fun chatting to people who share the passion and knowledge that i like to do in the gym. and made new friends.
but then it's back to the norm when i leave.
They say if you can't change the people around you, then change your environment. which i am currently trying to do, just feels like a struggle, spending about 7-8 hrs a day depressed.
sorry for rambling on.
Nervasport said:
The best way to describe it is that I felt like nothing could stop me, I don't know what made those days happen but Christ it felt good. My main aim is to destroy the depression which my rock says has gripped me like a jockey. I want to get out of this so my daughter has a normal dad instead of a mess. I thank you all and I hope you all break free.
I've put holidays in at work so hopefully I'll get some time to sort myself out.
When I was about a year into bereavement, I found myself increasingly despondent. I'd put on about two stone in weight - I hadn't eaten a proper meal in two years as I felt a mixture of guilt (for living) coupled with a real sense of c.b.a.I've put holidays in at work so hopefully I'll get some time to sort myself out.
I do remember one very low day that life has to be more than 'this'. This feeling of more than this sat nagging away in the back of my mind for some time. I felt very insecure and fragile, but there were times when also I felt something else. There were days I could sense or maybe even connect with those feelings before bereavement.
What I started to do was to work towards creating a more permanent mental link - even if I could not be 'the person I wanted to be', at that moment in time, I could at least hold on to what that image was. And for a while it was just that - holding on to that image. But then, over time, that holding on became a more tangible connection and it became a more direct and pragmatic relationship.
What started off as me thinking things such as these;
'I don't know how to live again'.
'I don't know what to do now'.
'I don't know how to feel, what to feel'.
'I feel nothing at all'.
'I can't think straight'.
'I don't know how to think anymore'.
'I don't know what to think'.
These and so many more thoughts changed. I willed myself to add other sentences to the end of these thoughts. They stated off with things like,
'but..' something followed by something utterly banal like 'it's a sunny day and that's something i've always liked.'
After a while, these trivial counters became more serious buttresses to try and counter the negativity of thought.
'you did once, so why not now?'.
'You need to...'
'You want to...'
'yes, but you can...'
The last one, the can one became a very important one in my life. I can eat better. I can exercise again. I can get up early and have a routine again. I can enjoy a day - even if that is just for two minutes, that's a good thing...
I added more to it. I've used something called EFT before with clients and now I used it with myself - not a lot really, but at times I found it enabled me to enter a different mental state. (look it up if you want, there's plenty of stuff on the net about it)
What happened was that in effect, I gave myself 'permission' to be different and that meant allowing a more positive outlook. What started off as an impossible thought became for me something very empowering,
'Even though I don't feel great today, I know that I can feel great as I know what feeling great means to me.'
It took a lot of effort to move beyond my personal abyss of loss. Now, take from this as much or as little as you like, but what I am trying to say is this,
To change your mental state, first realise that you CAN change it.
Realise also that depression DOES NOT have to be a permanent state.
The first step forwards - I think you've already done. Yo may not realise it, but you;ve made that connection to how YOU know feeling good, feels.
Build that in your mind. Build it as an image. Add colour to it, activities, places, temperature, sensations.. make it real.
And then when you feel that state, as real in your mind as if it was there, right in front of you, for you to touch, when the mind throws up all it's states of 'depression', this becomes your counter.
'I choose this, instead of me, now'.
Now, some reading this may think it's all fluffy, but their choice. From what I have seen and experienced myself, to take back control of your mind's direction, you have to do the spade work. But do it and then one day, what will happen is that you will start to feel a shift in how you interact with YOURSELF. It's an incredible liberating experience.
It is worth the hard work.
As always, my best wishes to you and all those going through their own dark times.
DMN
Petrolhead95 said:
Has anybody else suffered very short temper and stress issues caused by depression?
What you might find is that all 3 are linked to another root cause. It'd be more commonplace tbh that apathy and general meh would kick in before the short temper and stress issues, in some cases a lack of getting out of bed follows. As ever though, different things with different people. If you're finding these are symptoms you may be best checking it out with a GP then a trained professional in mental health such as a psychotherapistandy-xr said:
Petrolhead95 said:
Has anybody else suffered very short temper and stress issues caused by depression?
What you might find is that all 3 are linked to another root cause. It'd be more commonplace tbh that apathy and general meh would kick in before the short temper and stress issues, in some cases a lack of getting out of bed follows. As ever though, different things with different people. If you're finding these are symptoms you may be best checking it out with a GP then a trained professional in mental health such as a psychotherapistAlso, a pyschotherapist is one of these bods who talk about your problems. For some people that's great, but my understanding is the first stop if you're unsure you're just depressed should be back to the GP for a referral to psychiatrist, who can make a proper diagnosis, and even prescribe if appropriate. They can also stick you on the waiting list for a therapist if you want one.
Hey Everyone
I read this thread a while back but didn't want to comment on anything.
I've struggled with depression for last 10 years but did the old fashioned trick of trying to ignore it and sweep it under the rug.
In the last 3 years things have been gradually getting worse but in the last year, although having some great high moments such as my wedding, i've been getting dramatically worse.
It was arising in ways of dodgy stomach, IBS, anxiety, very low self worth and having horrific down days.
I went to my GP who tried different things (not anti depressants or counseling at this stage) to resolve the stomach etc but still was feeling very down and anxiety that was pretty much making me housebound, if i was going out, i'd have to sit on the toilet for half hour before and constantly be thinking, "what if i need to go?" whilst being out.
As it kept getting worse, he put me on 20mg of fluoxetine. After the initial 2 weeks of getting used to it and feeling sick it started to work but although day times were far more bearable, mornings were just as horrific.
When i went back to see him i was put onto 40mg, 20 in the morning and 20 at night. This then started making mornings a bit easier.
Over the last 2 weeks though, my sleep has gone back to only a few hours or extremely broken up sleep. But with these i get Horrific nightmares. They are so lucid i can remember all the feelings and tastes of things the next few days.
The other night, the nightmare had me feeling so low and horrible that i wanted to kill myself, i even asked someone in my dream to do it for me, as i looked up and said sorry to my wife and mum, but the guy didn't shoot me and (embarrassed to say) but i woke up in tears and shaking.
I'm starting to feel my tablets aren't working any more.
I'm going away for a week snowboarding on sunday and should enjoy that as its my main passion in life, but i know the come down when i get back will be a nightmare, especially with how i'm starting to feel again.
I know negative influences don't help so i'm looking for new jobs and a way to get out of my current job as it is stressful and not a positive environment as staff morale is at 0 and managers are just ignoring it and trying to push harder.
My wife has said once i'm back from holiday to get a new doctors appointment to tell him how i'm feeling and see what he can do, but also to take time off work sick.
I hate going off sick as feel i let the rest of the guys down but i think i'm just getting worn down and even though my supervisor is well aware of it all, he says that i need to look after myself first.
So yeah i'm trying to talk more about it all, I put a post up on my facebook on new years eve,
"Well people have started so I'll join in. Happy new year when it comes. If you know me at all, you know I keep my cards close to my chest but that's needing to change. 2014 has had some amazing moments and some s
t ones. I've seen my grandad become a shell of a man I used to admire due to dementia. I've had kidney infections, kidney stones, severe anxiety problems (pretty much making me housebound) and stomach issues. I've also after 10 years finally visited the doctor about feeling low and been properly diagnosed with depression and on medication for it. BUT this year I have also had amazing things, I've met some great new people, caught up with some really good old friends, got Aosta, then a month ago we got Rosie. I got 2 weeks of snowboarding and I got to marry Kat in Italy, in the same valley we got engaged in. There have been lots of other good and great moments so I'll finish 2014 feeling positive and that the crap times are only there to make the good ones great. So to everyone involved in my 2014, thank you and I hope your still there for 2015. "
and the response i got was great, people surprised as they never expected me to be suffering since i'm always seeming cheery and laid back. I even have had 2 friends come forward saying they feel the same but don't know what to do about it.
I don't want to fill my facebook with depressing stuff and annoy folk so i made a twitter account that i've not sent to anyone but just so i can express feelings and get them out there.
sorry for the long ramble but i though i'd join in here!
I read this thread a while back but didn't want to comment on anything.
I've struggled with depression for last 10 years but did the old fashioned trick of trying to ignore it and sweep it under the rug.
In the last 3 years things have been gradually getting worse but in the last year, although having some great high moments such as my wedding, i've been getting dramatically worse.
It was arising in ways of dodgy stomach, IBS, anxiety, very low self worth and having horrific down days.
I went to my GP who tried different things (not anti depressants or counseling at this stage) to resolve the stomach etc but still was feeling very down and anxiety that was pretty much making me housebound, if i was going out, i'd have to sit on the toilet for half hour before and constantly be thinking, "what if i need to go?" whilst being out.
As it kept getting worse, he put me on 20mg of fluoxetine. After the initial 2 weeks of getting used to it and feeling sick it started to work but although day times were far more bearable, mornings were just as horrific.
When i went back to see him i was put onto 40mg, 20 in the morning and 20 at night. This then started making mornings a bit easier.
Over the last 2 weeks though, my sleep has gone back to only a few hours or extremely broken up sleep. But with these i get Horrific nightmares. They are so lucid i can remember all the feelings and tastes of things the next few days.
The other night, the nightmare had me feeling so low and horrible that i wanted to kill myself, i even asked someone in my dream to do it for me, as i looked up and said sorry to my wife and mum, but the guy didn't shoot me and (embarrassed to say) but i woke up in tears and shaking.
I'm starting to feel my tablets aren't working any more.
I'm going away for a week snowboarding on sunday and should enjoy that as its my main passion in life, but i know the come down when i get back will be a nightmare, especially with how i'm starting to feel again.
I know negative influences don't help so i'm looking for new jobs and a way to get out of my current job as it is stressful and not a positive environment as staff morale is at 0 and managers are just ignoring it and trying to push harder.
My wife has said once i'm back from holiday to get a new doctors appointment to tell him how i'm feeling and see what he can do, but also to take time off work sick.
I hate going off sick as feel i let the rest of the guys down but i think i'm just getting worn down and even though my supervisor is well aware of it all, he says that i need to look after myself first.
So yeah i'm trying to talk more about it all, I put a post up on my facebook on new years eve,
"Well people have started so I'll join in. Happy new year when it comes. If you know me at all, you know I keep my cards close to my chest but that's needing to change. 2014 has had some amazing moments and some s
t ones. I've seen my grandad become a shell of a man I used to admire due to dementia. I've had kidney infections, kidney stones, severe anxiety problems (pretty much making me housebound) and stomach issues. I've also after 10 years finally visited the doctor about feeling low and been properly diagnosed with depression and on medication for it. BUT this year I have also had amazing things, I've met some great new people, caught up with some really good old friends, got Aosta, then a month ago we got Rosie. I got 2 weeks of snowboarding and I got to marry Kat in Italy, in the same valley we got engaged in. There have been lots of other good and great moments so I'll finish 2014 feeling positive and that the crap times are only there to make the good ones great. So to everyone involved in my 2014, thank you and I hope your still there for 2015. "and the response i got was great, people surprised as they never expected me to be suffering since i'm always seeming cheery and laid back. I even have had 2 friends come forward saying they feel the same but don't know what to do about it.
I don't want to fill my facebook with depressing stuff and annoy folk so i made a twitter account that i've not sent to anyone but just so i can express feelings and get them out there.
sorry for the long ramble but i though i'd join in here!
Prof Prolapse said:
andy-xr said:
Petrolhead95 said:
Has anybody else suffered very short temper and stress issues caused by depression?
What you might find is that all 3 are linked to another root cause. It'd be more commonplace tbh that apathy and general meh would kick in before the short temper and stress issues, in some cases a lack of getting out of bed follows. As ever though, different things with different people. If you're finding these are symptoms you may be best checking it out with a GP then a trained professional in mental health such as a psychotherapistAlso, a pyschotherapist is one of these bods who talk about your problems. For some people that's great, but my understanding is the first stop if you're unsure you're just depressed should be back to the GP for a referral to psychiatrist, who can make a proper diagnosis, and even prescribe if appropriate. They can also stick you on the waiting list for a therapist if you want one.
ETA - I'll try and qualify that out a little more. My ex was bipolar, and lots of things got excused or blamed on bipolar when they were just normal things that everyone has. It's easy to pin a symptom or feeling onto an illness, but that doesnt always help the person try and be more 'normal' if you will. It's as if you accept that because you're x then you'll get y symptoms, when it doesnt always bear out that way and it makes the depression harder to break the back of, because you've loaded up loads of other things onto it, so it becomes bigger than it is
Edited by andy-xr on Wednesday 14th January 08:47
Excuse me gents, but I've got a bit on my chest and nowhere really to say it.
I have suffered with depression since childhood/early teens. Its seems like it has always been there, at least for the majority of my life and there seems to be no signs of it relenting anytime soon.
I always thought the majority of my depression was situational. When I was stuck in a Job that I particularly hated or wasn't in employment my depression would get worse, a constant fog of gloom that inhibits all of my thoughts. The feelings of self worth are at an all time low and thoughts of suicide would creep in daily.
So would anyone mind explaining to me why that now I have a job that I enjoy, pays me well and is something that I feel I actually might be good at do I feel the same, Albeit, the thoughts of low self worth being replaced by crippling anxiety that when (not if) I screw this up, I'm fked.
I am constantly tired. Unchecked I can sleep well into 12 hours and still wake up unable to face the thought of the day. I'm grumpy,short tempered and general a bit of an arse with my family and I feel unable to make any real plans with my life, partly due to anxiety that it will go all wrong and partly because I have no idea what to do. Despite being on good money, I cannot afford to buy in London, the idea of a grand a month rent above a takeaway pisses me off and I have zero interest in any of the hobbies any more. Cars? Football? Video games? Friends? I simply don't care anymore.
Over the years I've tried various methods of "coping". Some harmful, some insane. Long term, all have provide a quick fix, but I thankfully Haven gone back to bad habits, at least not yet. Currently I'm on 40mg of flux and have taken to chain smoking when given the chance. It'll kill me sooner so later right? Sometimesthst feels like all i really want
Why? Because I think depression is almost thr defining part of my personality and my life. The apathy, the loniness, the isolation, the tiredness, the irritablity. The process of stumbling from one episode to another, this is what my life feels like. This is what I feel like.
But I gotta keep fighting.
I have suffered with depression since childhood/early teens. Its seems like it has always been there, at least for the majority of my life and there seems to be no signs of it relenting anytime soon.
I always thought the majority of my depression was situational. When I was stuck in a Job that I particularly hated or wasn't in employment my depression would get worse, a constant fog of gloom that inhibits all of my thoughts. The feelings of self worth are at an all time low and thoughts of suicide would creep in daily.
So would anyone mind explaining to me why that now I have a job that I enjoy, pays me well and is something that I feel I actually might be good at do I feel the same, Albeit, the thoughts of low self worth being replaced by crippling anxiety that when (not if) I screw this up, I'm f
ked.I am constantly tired. Unchecked I can sleep well into 12 hours and still wake up unable to face the thought of the day. I'm grumpy,short tempered and general a bit of an arse with my family and I feel unable to make any real plans with my life, partly due to anxiety that it will go all wrong and partly because I have no idea what to do. Despite being on good money, I cannot afford to buy in London, the idea of a grand a month rent above a takeaway pisses me off and I have zero interest in any of the hobbies any more. Cars? Football? Video games? Friends? I simply don't care anymore.
Over the years I've tried various methods of "coping". Some harmful, some insane. Long term, all have provide a quick fix, but I thankfully Haven gone back to bad habits, at least not yet. Currently I'm on 40mg of flux and have taken to chain smoking when given the chance. It'll kill me sooner so later right? Sometimesthst feels like all i really want
Why? Because I think depression is almost thr defining part of my personality and my life. The apathy, the loniness, the isolation, the tiredness, the irritablity. The process of stumbling from one episode to another, this is what my life feels like. This is what I feel like.
But I gotta keep fighting
.279 said:
Excuse me gents, but I've got a bit on my chest and nowhere really to say it.
I have suffered with depression since childhood/early teens. Its seems like it has always been there, at least for the majority of my life and there seems to be no signs of it relenting anytime soon.
I always thought the majority of my depression was situational. When I was stuck in a Job that I particularly hated or wasn't in employment my depression would get worse, a constant fog of gloom that inhibits all of my thoughts. The feelings of self worth are at an all time low and thoughts of suicide would creep in daily.
So would anyone mind explaining to me why that now I have a job that I enjoy, pays me well and is something that I feel I actually might be good at do I feel the same, Albeit, the thoughts of low self worth being replaced by crippling anxiety that when (not if) I screw this up, I'm fked.
I am constantly tired. Unchecked I can sleep well into 12 hours and still wake up unable to face the thought of the day. I'm grumpy,short tempered and general a bit of an arse with my family and I feel unable to make any real plans with my life, partly due to anxiety that it will go all wrong and partly because I have no idea what to do. Despite being on good money, I cannot afford to buy in London, the idea of a grand a month rent above a takeaway pisses me off and I have zero interest in any of the hobbies any more. Cars? Football? Video games? Friends? I simply don't care anymore.
Over the years I've tried various methods of "coping". Some harmful, some insane. Long term, all have provide a quick fix, but I thankfully Haven gone back to bad habits, at least not yet. Currently I'm on 40mg of flux and have taken to chain smoking when given the chance. It'll kill me sooner so later right? Sometimesthst feels like all i really want
Why? Because I think depression is almost thr defining part of my personality and my life. The apathy, the loniness, the isolation, the tiredness, the irritablity. The process of stumbling from one episode to another, this is what my life feels like. This is what I feel like.
But I gotta keep fighting.
jeez mate I feel for you I really do. You really do need someone to help you and control this everyone deserves to have fulfilment in their lives that alone makes life worth living.I have suffered with depression since childhood/early teens. Its seems like it has always been there, at least for the majority of my life and there seems to be no signs of it relenting anytime soon.
I always thought the majority of my depression was situational. When I was stuck in a Job that I particularly hated or wasn't in employment my depression would get worse, a constant fog of gloom that inhibits all of my thoughts. The feelings of self worth are at an all time low and thoughts of suicide would creep in daily.
So would anyone mind explaining to me why that now I have a job that I enjoy, pays me well and is something that I feel I actually might be good at do I feel the same, Albeit, the thoughts of low self worth being replaced by crippling anxiety that when (not if) I screw this up, I'm f
ked.I am constantly tired. Unchecked I can sleep well into 12 hours and still wake up unable to face the thought of the day. I'm grumpy,short tempered and general a bit of an arse with my family and I feel unable to make any real plans with my life, partly due to anxiety that it will go all wrong and partly because I have no idea what to do. Despite being on good money, I cannot afford to buy in London, the idea of a grand a month rent above a takeaway pisses me off and I have zero interest in any of the hobbies any more. Cars? Football? Video games? Friends? I simply don't care anymore.
Over the years I've tried various methods of "coping". Some harmful, some insane. Long term, all have provide a quick fix, but I thankfully Haven gone back to bad habits, at least not yet. Currently I'm on 40mg of flux and have taken to chain smoking when given the chance. It'll kill me sooner so later right? Sometimesthst feels like all i really want
Why? Because I think depression is almost thr defining part of my personality and my life. The apathy, the loniness, the isolation, the tiredness, the irritablity. The process of stumbling from one episode to another, this is what my life feels like. This is what I feel like.
But I gotta keep fighting
.I can't say I have had it as bad as you or anyone else who posts on here everyone's problems are their own and don't just sit back and accept that life has to be like this .
andy-xr said:
Sure, equally plenty of non depressed people also get stressed, anxious and angry. My point being that until you dig deeper then it's hard to say 'yep, that's a symptom' when really it all could be rolled into something else causing it.
ETA - I'll try and qualify that out a little more. My ex was bipolar, and lots of things got excused or blamed on bipolar when they were just normal things that everyone has. It's easy to pin a symptom or feeling onto an illness, but that doesnt always help the person try and be more 'normal' if you will. It's as if you accept that because you're x then you'll get y symptoms, when it doesnt always bear out that way and it makes the depression harder to break the back of, because you've loaded up loads of other things onto it, so it becomes bigger than it is
It's funny, I can understand the desire to, but I'm not entirely convinced you can separate behaviour into "sick and well" if you have bipolar disorder. I think a lot of people try to shed their responsibilities that way. I've also never understood how it's better in the long run, to personify an imaginary alter ego who surfaces, rather than accept, it is merely you on a very bad day. Which is what you would do if you hadn't been given a label to wear so proudly.ETA - I'll try and qualify that out a little more. My ex was bipolar, and lots of things got excused or blamed on bipolar when they were just normal things that everyone has. It's easy to pin a symptom or feeling onto an illness, but that doesnt always help the person try and be more 'normal' if you will. It's as if you accept that because you're x then you'll get y symptoms, when it doesnt always bear out that way and it makes the depression harder to break the back of, because you've loaded up loads of other things onto it, so it becomes bigger than it is
It's far harder to accept that the blackdog on your shoulder, is actually your shadow, so to speak.
Rusty1 said:
As it kept getting worse, he put me on 20mg of fluoxetine. After the initial 2 weeks of getting used to it and feeling sick it started to work but although day times were far more bearable, mornings were just as horrific.
When i went back to see him i was put onto 40mg, 20 in the morning and 20 at night. This then started making mornings a bit easier.
Over the last 2 weeks though, my sleep has gone back to only a few hours or extremely broken up sleep. But with these i get Horrific nightmares. They are so lucid i can remember all the feelings and tastes of things the next few days.
The other night, the nightmare had me feeling so low and horrible that i wanted to kill myself, i even asked someone in my dream to do it for me, as i looked up and said sorry to my wife and mum, but the guy didn't shoot me and (embarrassed to say) but i woke up in tears and shaking.
I'm starting to feel my tablets aren't working any more.
It might be worth asking to change to completely different type rather than working through all the SSRI types. I had horrendous violent dreams with both Citalopram and Fluoxetine and sleep was always disturbed. I'm on Mirtazapine after discussing all this with the Doc and my previous side effects. It is a NaSSA type and, while there are other side effects like weight gain and joint pain, it seems to suit me much much better.When i went back to see him i was put onto 40mg, 20 in the morning and 20 at night. This then started making mornings a bit easier.
Over the last 2 weeks though, my sleep has gone back to only a few hours or extremely broken up sleep. But with these i get Horrific nightmares. They are so lucid i can remember all the feelings and tastes of things the next few days.
The other night, the nightmare had me feeling so low and horrible that i wanted to kill myself, i even asked someone in my dream to do it for me, as i looked up and said sorry to my wife and mum, but the guy didn't shoot me and (embarrassed to say) but i woke up in tears and shaking.
I'm starting to feel my tablets aren't working any more.
Well done to those who are using this forum to open up - it's tough to talk about it but that is the best starting place to find some help with this illness.
Prof Prolapse said:
It's funny, I can understand the desire to, but I'm not entirely convinced you can separate behaviour into "sick and well" if you have bipolar disorder. I think a lot of people try to shed their responsibilities that way. I've also never understood how it's better in the long run, to personify an imaginary alter ego who surfaces, rather than accept, it is merely you on a very bad day. Which is what you would do if you hadn't been given a label to wear so proudly.
It's far harder to accept that the blackdog on your shoulder, is actually your shadow, so to speak.
Interesting thought, cheers for sharing itIt's far harder to accept that the blackdog on your shoulder, is actually your shadow, so to speak.
Rusty1 said:
Hey Everyone
I read this thread a while back but didn't want to comment on anything.
I've struggled with depression for last 10 years but did the old fashioned trick of trying to ignore it and sweep it under the rug.
In the last 3 years things have been gradually getting worse but in the last year, although having some great high moments such as my wedding, i've been getting dramatically worse.
It was arising in ways of dodgy stomach, IBS, anxiety, very low self worth and having horrific down days.
I went to my GP who tried different things (not anti depressants or counseling at this stage) to resolve the stomach etc but still was feeling very down and anxiety that was pretty much making me housebound, if i was going out, i'd have to sit on the toilet for half hour before and constantly be thinking, "what if i need to go?" whilst being out.
As it kept getting worse, he put me on 20mg of fluoxetine. After the initial 2 weeks of getting used to it and feeling sick it started to work but although day times were far more bearable, mornings were just as horrific.
When i went back to see him i was put onto 40mg, 20 in the morning and 20 at night. This then started making mornings a bit easier.
Over the last 2 weeks though, my sleep has gone back to only a few hours or extremely broken up sleep. But with these i get Horrific nightmares. They are so lucid i can remember all the feelings and tastes of things the next few days.
The other night, the nightmare had me feeling so low and horrible that i wanted to kill myself, i even asked someone in my dream to do it for me, as i looked up and said sorry to my wife and mum, but the guy didn't shoot me and (embarrassed to say) but i woke up in tears and shaking.
I'm starting to feel my tablets aren't working any more.
I'm going away for a week snowboarding on sunday and should enjoy that as its my main passion in life, but i know the come down when i get back will be a nightmare, especially with how i'm starting to feel again.
I know negative influences don't help so i'm looking for new jobs and a way to get out of my current job as it is stressful and not a positive environment as staff morale is at 0 and managers are just ignoring it and trying to push harder.
My wife has said once i'm back from holiday to get a new doctors appointment to tell him how i'm feeling and see what he can do, but also to take time off work sick.
I hate going off sick as feel i let the rest of the guys down but i think i'm just getting worn down and even though my supervisor is well aware of it all, he says that i need to look after myself first.
So yeah i'm trying to talk more about it all, I put a post up on my facebook on new years eve,
"Well people have started so I'll join in. Happy new year when it comes. If you know me at all, you know I keep my cards close to my chest but that's needing to change. 2014 has had some amazing moments and some st ones. I've seen my grandad become a shell of a man I used to admire due to dementia. I've had kidney infections, kidney stones, severe anxiety problems (pretty much making me housebound) and stomach issues. I've also after 10 years finally visited the doctor about feeling low and been properly diagnosed with depression and on medication for it. BUT this year I have also had amazing things, I've met some great new people, caught up with some really good old friends, got Aosta, then a month ago we got Rosie. I got 2 weeks of snowboarding and I got to marry Kat in Italy, in the same valley we got engaged in. There have been lots of other good and great moments so I'll finish 2014 feeling positive and that the crap times are only there to make the good ones great. So to everyone involved in my 2014, thank you and I hope your still there for 2015. "
and the response i got was great, people surprised as they never expected me to be suffering since i'm always seeming cheery and laid back. I even have had 2 friends come forward saying they feel the same but don't know what to do about it.
I don't want to fill my facebook with depressing stuff and annoy folk so i made a twitter account that i've not sent to anyone but just so i can express feelings and get them out there.
sorry for the long ramble but i though i'd join in here!
Thanks so much for sharing. It's posts like yours that makes me realise I'm not the only one out there feeling this way...I read this thread a while back but didn't want to comment on anything.
I've struggled with depression for last 10 years but did the old fashioned trick of trying to ignore it and sweep it under the rug.
In the last 3 years things have been gradually getting worse but in the last year, although having some great high moments such as my wedding, i've been getting dramatically worse.
It was arising in ways of dodgy stomach, IBS, anxiety, very low self worth and having horrific down days.
I went to my GP who tried different things (not anti depressants or counseling at this stage) to resolve the stomach etc but still was feeling very down and anxiety that was pretty much making me housebound, if i was going out, i'd have to sit on the toilet for half hour before and constantly be thinking, "what if i need to go?" whilst being out.
As it kept getting worse, he put me on 20mg of fluoxetine. After the initial 2 weeks of getting used to it and feeling sick it started to work but although day times were far more bearable, mornings were just as horrific.
When i went back to see him i was put onto 40mg, 20 in the morning and 20 at night. This then started making mornings a bit easier.
Over the last 2 weeks though, my sleep has gone back to only a few hours or extremely broken up sleep. But with these i get Horrific nightmares. They are so lucid i can remember all the feelings and tastes of things the next few days.
The other night, the nightmare had me feeling so low and horrible that i wanted to kill myself, i even asked someone in my dream to do it for me, as i looked up and said sorry to my wife and mum, but the guy didn't shoot me and (embarrassed to say) but i woke up in tears and shaking.
I'm starting to feel my tablets aren't working any more.
I'm going away for a week snowboarding on sunday and should enjoy that as its my main passion in life, but i know the come down when i get back will be a nightmare, especially with how i'm starting to feel again.
I know negative influences don't help so i'm looking for new jobs and a way to get out of my current job as it is stressful and not a positive environment as staff morale is at 0 and managers are just ignoring it and trying to push harder.
My wife has said once i'm back from holiday to get a new doctors appointment to tell him how i'm feeling and see what he can do, but also to take time off work sick.
I hate going off sick as feel i let the rest of the guys down but i think i'm just getting worn down and even though my supervisor is well aware of it all, he says that i need to look after myself first.
So yeah i'm trying to talk more about it all, I put a post up on my facebook on new years eve,
"Well people have started so I'll join in. Happy new year when it comes. If you know me at all, you know I keep my cards close to my chest but that's needing to change. 2014 has had some amazing moments and some s
t ones. I've seen my grandad become a shell of a man I used to admire due to dementia. I've had kidney infections, kidney stones, severe anxiety problems (pretty much making me housebound) and stomach issues. I've also after 10 years finally visited the doctor about feeling low and been properly diagnosed with depression and on medication for it. BUT this year I have also had amazing things, I've met some great new people, caught up with some really good old friends, got Aosta, then a month ago we got Rosie. I got 2 weeks of snowboarding and I got to marry Kat in Italy, in the same valley we got engaged in. There have been lots of other good and great moments so I'll finish 2014 feeling positive and that the crap times are only there to make the good ones great. So to everyone involved in my 2014, thank you and I hope your still there for 2015. "and the response i got was great, people surprised as they never expected me to be suffering since i'm always seeming cheery and laid back. I even have had 2 friends come forward saying they feel the same but don't know what to do about it.
I don't want to fill my facebook with depressing stuff and annoy folk so i made a twitter account that i've not sent to anyone but just so i can express feelings and get them out there.
sorry for the long ramble but i though i'd join in here!
I also experience IBS-like symptoms. My tummy gets easily upset so I always keep Imodium close just in case.
Regarding the nightmares sand thoughts of self harm, you definitely need to see your GP ASAP. I've actually read the leaflets on the ADs and this could be a sign you are not responding well to the meds prescribed.
279 said:
Why? Because I think depression is almost thr defining part of my personality and my life. The apathy, the loniness, the isolation, the tiredness, the irritablity. The process of stumbling from one episode to another, this is what my life feels like. This is what I feel like.
But I gotta keep fighting.
Your not alone. This is how I feel most of the time, I have a family, children and job but it's merely a distraction from my thoughts.But I gotta keep fighting
.Had s bad week and not really on good terms with the other half again.
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