Depression

[mouse1991]

I'm ready to give up.

When all is said and done I just want to stop existing. If there was a button I could press to make this life stop, make me disappear, I wouldn't hesitate.

For as long as I can remember I've fallen asleep at night imagining myself dying in multiply, beautiful ways. I'm convinced I shouldn't be here, my elder sister should be in my place (she died at 9 months). I'm a mistake, It's clear to me.

I pray for an illness that would kill me, a dignified end to this miserable life. I can't go on living with this knot in my stomach any longer, it's been with me for 35 years.

I've tried to be happy, tried to be a good person, worked hard, sacrificed so others could benefit. Doesn't work.

I visit my family and friends, see them enjoying life, the happiness in their eyes. It cuts me up. To be a spectator in life is cruel, I want so much to take part. So I sit here after yet another setback, waiting for things to turn around. I don't want to be disappointed any longer.

Maybe this is just another low point, just another dip in the rollercoaster. I just want to get off tbh,.

Sorry to get all heavy but this is how I feel. I'm sure there are many of you who suffer depression and do so coping with greater problems then I have to deal with. I feel guilty even writing this ste down.

[happychap]

[quote=mouse1991]I'm ready to give up.

When all is said and done I just want to stop existing. If there was a button I could press to make this life stop, make me disappear, I wouldn't hesitate.

For as long as I can remember I've fallen asleep at night imagining myself dying in multiply, beautiful ways. I'm convinced I shouldn't be here, my elder sister should be in my place (she died at 9 months). I'm a mistake, It's clear to me.

I pray for an illness that would kill me, a dignified end to this miserable life. I can't go on living with this knot in my stomach any longer, it's been with me for 35 years.

I've tried to be happy, tried to be a good person, worked hard, sacrificed so others could benefit. Doesn't work.

I visit my family and friends, see them enjoying life, the happiness in their eyes. It cuts me up. To be a spectator in life is cruel, I want so much to take part. So I sit here after yet another setback, waiting for things to turn around. I don't want to be disappointed any longer.

Maybe this is just another low point, just another dip in the rollercoaster. I just want to get off tbh,.

Sorry to get all heavy but this is how I feel. I'm sure there are many of you who suffer depression and do so coping with greater problems then I have to deal with. I feel guilty even writing this ste down.

If you had a magic wand, how, and what would you change thing.

[Ruskie]

mouse1991 said:

I'm ready to give up.

When all is said and done I just want to stop existing. If there was a button I could press to make this life stop, make me disappear, I wouldn't hesitate.

For as long as I can remember I've fallen asleep at night imagining myself dying in multiply, beautiful ways. I'm convinced I shouldn't be here, my elder sister should be in my place (she died at 9 months). I'm a mistake, It's clear to me.

I pray for an illness that would kill me, a dignified end to this miserable life. I can't go on living with this knot in my stomach any longer, it's been with me for 35 years.

I've tried to be happy, tried to be a good person, worked hard, sacrificed so others could benefit. Doesn't work.

I visit my family and friends, see them enjoying life, the happiness in their eyes. It cuts me up. To be a spectator in life is cruel, I want so much to take part. So I sit here after yet another setback, waiting for things to turn around. I don't want to be disappointed any longer.

Maybe this is just another low point, just another dip in the rollercoaster. I just want to get off tbh,.

Sorry to get all heavy but this is how I feel. I'm sure there are many of you who suffer depression and do so coping with greater problems then I have to deal with. I feel guilty even writing this ste down.

Your not alone in your thoughts. As I have stated earlier in the thread I'm not in a position to offer advice but you have my sympathy.

[throt]

tonyvid said:

Just a quick update on this and because I feel the need to empty my head a little...

We did meet yesterday for a good 3hrs, had a number of cuppas, a buttie and a nice walk together. Then we got to the "us" bit. I'm not going to go into all of it as it's not really appropriate or conducive but I'm still in limbo. Lots came up, and we were really honest about things which was good. She said she was really glad we met and I felt a bit more positive about things last night, but....

Today I feel absolutely down in the dumps for every positive feeling about yesterday there seem to be 2 or 3 real negative ones that are overwhelming me today. I wrote a fair bit to her last night about my thoughts and had one of the nicest warmest "goodnight" messages for a long time so I should be feeling happier... But(Andy-xr sighs with frustration!) there were one or two non committal things and stumbling blocks that are dominating my thoughts and giving me no hope.

It's less than 24hrs since we met and I know these are big issues that need careful consideration on her side before she can consider me back as a partner. I know I can't and mustn't push her as it will just force her to run. I know blah blah blah and it's not helping me as my bloody brain just will not stop

I went to bed feeling reasonably content, woke at 5 feeling full of panic and have not stopped feeling that way since. Working at home today doesn't help things as no distractions and I'm really struggling to do any work even though I've got a really important video progress meeting in the morning. GAH!!!

It sounds promising, Tony. You must keep it relaxed though because you sound as if you want to grab her tight, very tight. Give her space and time, thats the only way you will get trust back.

[drivin_me_nuts]

tonyvid said:

drivin_me_nuts said:

I got married last week. My lass will be gone five years this January but now I have someone else to share my life with and means I can also share those parts of me that were dormant for a long time. Perhaps, in some respects, it is the biggest part of moving life forwards in that I have learned to balance death and life - and I am still learning as it's something you never stop studying as loss is rarely a closed chapter.

I came out of my depression a different person. It changed me in certain obvious, but also subtle ways. It takes a long time to grow back the tree that is a man to the place it was when events hack at the trunk of it. I remembered the shape, I grew that back. Now, the trick with life, is to put the effort into growing on the individual twigs and leaves that make the tree complete.

I'm so pleased to hear that news, and its an inspiration for the rest of us that there quite literally is life after death. I wish you both all the very best for a long and very happy life together

Thank you for your kind words. I get a fuzzy feeling reading them

DMN

[throt]

drivin_me_nuts said:

tonyvid said:

drivin_me_nuts said:

I got married last week. My lass will be gone five years this January but now I have someone else to share my life with and means I can also share those parts of me that were dormant for a long time. Perhaps, in some respects, it is the biggest part of moving life forwards in that I have learned to balance death and life - and I am still learning as it's something you never stop studying as loss is rarely a closed chapter.

I came out of my depression a different person. It changed me in certain obvious, but also subtle ways. It takes a long time to grow back the tree that is a man to the place it was when events hack at the trunk of it. I remembered the shape, I grew that back. Now, the trick with life, is to put the effort into growing on the individual twigs and leaves that make the tree complete.

I'm so pleased to hear that news, and its an inspiration for the rest of us that there quite literally is life after death. I wish you both all the very best for a long and very happy life together

Thank you for your kind words. I get a fuzzy feeling reading them

DMN

The same from myself too, DMN. All the best to you both.

[Soov535]

drivin_me_nuts said:

happychap said:

Out of interest, when you made this decision to face your fear, did you do this with support of another or counselling or just your own recourses. Also how long after your loss did it take before you decided to face your grief and change the way you managed it.

It took me about eight months to realise that the way I was living my life was actually damaging me. More than anything else, it was my bathroom scales that became the trigger for wanting to change, with my sense of physical unhealthiness a close second. I was tired all the time and eating utter crap and I hated the fact that my clothes no longer fitted.

It was the first anniversary that really was the defining point and a conversation I had with my sister. In was simple enough, but looking back, I think that part of me was looking for an external signal that it was 'ok' to start moving life forwards. In a very real sense it something that I was unable to give myself, as it was tied up with huge emotions around 'forgetting her'. It was extremely tough and made worse by certain other people who had made my lass's death their own crisis. Their words stuck and made it very hard and left me with many circular thoughts coupled with seemingly unsolvable and constant anger.

The week of first anniversary of her death I bought some running shoes and started very tentatively to first walk, then jog. I did the NHS couch to 5k which for me was a big deal and then, when my clothes started to fit again, I started to feel a bit more like me and less out of control of my life. It was an important first step. But the biggest part was still to be processed. My wife's cancer journey was awful beyond words and every day from two months after diagnosis was utter hell and all I could do was try and process what was happening to her 'in the now'. I have written about it elsewhere on PH and PH helped saved my sanity and was generous beyond any words - and all that helped to be the positives I held on to in the months that followed her death.

I went to a few counselling sessions and in part I found them useful in offering an alternative view but they left me very unfulfilled and unresolved.

What really did it for me was quite literally waking up one day angry. Really angry. Angrier than I have ever been. But not with loss, not with thoughts of my lass's cancer of any of what had happened, but angry with the realisation that she would not have wanted me to live the way I was living. It took about 15 months to reach that day and it's a point I had to get to myself. Drug rehab often talks about 'it can't get any lower'. For me, it was 'I can't get any angrier' with myself and what I was doing and who I had become.

What followed was very much a day by day breaking down of things that made me angry and replacing them with things that made me feel positive. I bought a cycle (that I battled with using for a long time) and ran more and did more to interact with others. I had cut myself off from me - not from the world, because to the outside world I was still a functioning adult, albeit a very sad looking one. I started to connect with my anger. In my first year I had cried so much in grief and was so lonely in my grief, but I learned to accept that to - that loneliness is part of the human condition and it's how we deal with loneliness that makes the difference to the life we live.

As I write this, I can think of at least two other Phers who have lost their long term loved ones over the last year or so and I think that if they were to read this, they could relate to that word loneliness more than any other. It is a word that requires a huge amount of effort to first manage and then process. It is frightening and disabling place to be.

Today, I think I have found more of a balance between life. My life has very much moved forwards. I can look back at a place that was dark and very sad.

It has been an incredibly hard journey at times and one that I would not wish upon another human being, yet many of us experience it. I took comfort in the worst of it that I was not alone. PH helped immensely, friends helped in more ways than they will ever understand, but my lass helped the most. I think I was very lucky to have shared my life with a woman who instilled in me a burning light for living. Even in the worst of it, I never wanted to die, or end my life. I knew that things would change, would be different and that days had to be endured to get to the 'better days'. I knew that and that, even beyond her death was my southern light that kept me moving towards the sun and warmth - the warmth of living and loving and being connected to life again - and you don't have to be going through bereavement to relate to that.

At times depression needs a southern light. A light that we can look to hold our path back to warmth when all around us falls and crumbles away.

For me, in worst hours I made that light as real as I could. Even when I felt utterly wretched, I could see it and feel it. I call it love, but it isn't just for my lass. It's was the love for me and what I meant in the lives of those I am part of. It was the love of myself and my life and all I hold dear, all my dreams and thoughts and all the parts of me that are me.

The answer to your question 'how long after your loss did it take before you decided to face your grief and change the way you managed it.' has this response,

When I truly gave myself permission to live and love again.

I got married last week. My lass will be gone five years this January but now I have someone else to share my life with and means I can also share those parts of me that were dormant for a long time. Perhaps, in some respects, it is the biggest part of moving life forwards in that I have learned to balance death and life - and I am still learning as it's something you never stop studying as loss is rarely a closed chapter.

I came out of my depression a different person. It changed me in certain obvious, but also subtle ways. It takes a long time to grow back the tree that is a man to the place it was when events hack at the trunk of it. I remembered the shape, I grew that back. Now, the trick with life, is to put the effort into growing on the individual twigs and leaves that make the tree complete.

Brave post by a proper man.

I wish you well.

[tonyvid]

throt said:

tonyvid said:

Just a quick update on this and because I feel the need to empty my head a little...

And a load of my waffle...

It sounds promising, Tony. You must keep it relaxed though because you sound as if you want to grab her tight, very tight. Give her space and time, thats the only way you will get trust back.

Good advice and I'm taking it. You're right, and I must resist the urge....

Andy-xr - I've not forgotten what you've said, I'm still letting my head churn it all over and try to make my own sense.

[tonyvid]

mouse1991 said:

I'm ready to give up.

......I feel guilty even writing this ste down

You must take whatever help you are offered, if it's not enough you must keep asking for more as no one should be left to feel how you have been. Talk to all the agencies and help out there, even if you feel it's a waste of their time - it's not and neither are you best wishes bud, hang on in there.

[andy-xr]

I'm sure the time will find you Tony, good luck

[tonyvid]

thank you.

[Ruskie]

I'm having a tough time at the moment. Just getting through life.


https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...

[twing]

Ruskie said:

I'm having a tough time at the moment. Just getting through life.


https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...

Thanks Ruskie, I'll read the email when I can, bit low at the moment so avoiding everything I can thanks for touching base on Twitter a while ago though

[Willy Nilly]

I'm on my fking knees at the moment

[twing]

Willy Nilly said:

I'm on my fking knees at the moment

My mantra today fella, it's got me through it. Tomorrow might be better, will prob be worse but I'm fked if this episode is going to stop me functioning. Chin up and march on please

[mouse1991]

Bad month for everyone it seems.

After yet another setback this week I considered get my affairs in order. The knot in my stomach over the past few days has become so bad its now painful. I feel like I've been punched in the guts.

And all I can think of are the words of my mental health therapist, 'suicide isn't the answer, think of the pain and distress you'd put your loved ones through'.

So I just have to exist.

Reading Ruskie's latest blog was spooky, I could have written it myself almost word for word.

[Ruskie]

mouse1991 said:

Bad month for everyone it seems.

After yet another setback this week I considered get my affairs in order. The knot in my stomach over the past few days has become so bad its now painful. I feel like I've been punched in the guts.

And all I can think of are the words of my mental health therapist, 'suicide isn't the answer, think of the pain and distress you'd put your loved ones through'.

So I just have to exist.

Reading Ruskie's latest blog was spooky, I could have written it myself almost word for word.

I know exactly that feeling you have in your stomach. I have had it a few weeks now.

[Impasse]

mouse1991 said:

And all I can think of are the words of my mental health therapist, 'suicide isn't the answer, think of the pain and distress you'd put your loved ones through'.

I just cannot stand this sort of emotional blackmail - especially when it comes from a professional. It completely disregards the pain and distress you are in and puts other people's feelings ahead of yours. Way to make someone feel important. Way to make a patient feel important. It just adds a loading of guilt on top of any other problems the patient is battling.

[Darkslider]

I've found it helpful lurking and reading some of your posts, some of you guys are an inspiration. I feel slightly guilty at how much I'm struggling and some of the thoughts and feelings I've been having when I compare my life to some of the ordeals you have been through, I've still got my health, a roof over my head and I've not lost nor am I likely to lose any loved ones in the near future, yet I'm still in a really dark place these days.

Have booked a morning off work next week to go to the doctors, I'm slightly apprehensive, my biggest worry is I don't want to be considered a time waster or taking seat time in the practice from someone more deserving.

[Ruskie]

https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...

My latest blog about the little white lies we tell, when we have depression.