Depression

[Pistom]

FishOutOfWater said:

........
This is no fking life.

I don't know why I'm replying as I'm no expert but reading all that, I felt there's no harm in me sharing my thoughts.

This isn't where you've ended up, it's just where you are now.

I don't think you're depressed in that something abnormal is causing you to feel bad - you're down as that's a normal reaction to feeling you've made some bad decisions and suffering the consequences.

Can you change jobs? Can you do that in a positive manner to start doing something you would rather do?

Can you patch things up slowly with your wife so the past is a distant memory. Not with the aim of having a meaningful romantic relationship but just so she doesn't hate you - she's going to be the mother of your kids for the rest of her life.

You probably need to accept that too many bridges have been burned for long term relationships with anyone involved currently. I would be looking to build my life on my own and if anyone came along, that would be fine. A life on your own is better than a life where the person you're with is constantly judging you on what you've done in the past.

Sorry if none of this helps but anyone in your position would feel bad. You need to be looking for the next chapter in your life.

[Mezzanine]

Pistom said:

This isn't where you've ended up, it's just where you are now.

What a great, powerful, sentence.

[youngsyr]

This could be useful for some posters...

https://www.reddit.com/user/EveryMindMatters/comme...

[Skodapondy]

I kind of know what Fish has done. With me I didn't play away, I just gave up with family life, ignoring the important things like SWMBO's birthday and Christmas and anniversary,you know the kind of important things to women. . Stupid I know, we are still together but how I've no idea how. It's horrible when you know you aren't what you were and you can't get it back.

[andyc123_123]

I seem to be going through it recently. Whatever 'it' is!

I found out two weeks ago my role at work is at risk - now almost certain redundancy. The voluntary package is OK but not ideal especially this time of year. This has inevitably put strain and stress on myself and the relationship as neither of us expected it.

Talking of the relationship we've been together around 10 years now. Both in our early 30's, home-owners and stable. We both started seeing/feeling the relationship was failing, feeling more like friends for about 10-12 weeks, we discussed it Friday evening - started well, but ended up heated and messy.

I stayed in a hotel Friday evening and returned Saturday. We avoided each other mostly and Sunday we decided to try a week long break. This isn't our first argument as most couples do, this is certainly the most substantial and I don't really see a way back as we've not spoke since.

I'm back in the spare room at my parents place, feeling really depressed - feeling it's all my fault and I don't really know what to do next.

I'm tempted to take the redundancy early December and focus on trying to get her back, the flipside of course is take the time to start again on my own, as the spare room is already a struggle!

Any words of advise or wisdom would be appreciated.

[youngsyr]

andyc123_123 said:

I seem to be going through it recently. Whatever 'it' is!

I found out two weeks ago my role at work is at risk - now almost certain redundancy. The voluntary package is OK but not ideal especially this time of year. This has inevitably put strain and stress on myself and the relationship as neither of us expected it.

Talking of the relationship we've been together around 10 years now. Both in our early 30's, home-owners and stable. We both started seeing/feeling the relationship was failing, feeling more like friends for about 10-12 weeks, we discussed it Friday evening - started well, but ended up heated and messy.

I stayed in a hotel Friday evening and returned Saturday. We avoided each other mostly and Sunday we decided to try a week long break. This isn't our first argument as most couples do, this is certainly the most substantial and I don't really see a way back as we've not spoke since.

I'm back in the spare room at my parents place, feeling really depressed - feeling it's all my fault and I don't really know what to do next.

I'm tempted to take the redundancy early December and focus on trying to get her back, the flipside of course is take the time to start again on my own, as the spare room is already a struggle!

Any words of advise or wisdom would be appreciated.

That's rough, but it sounds like you've at least got support from your family.

Not knowing you, your OH are your relationship, I would say just give it some time and see where you are in a few weeks. A bit of time and space to reflect is not a bad thing. If you're still not talking or wanting to talk after a few weeks, then that probably tells you which way to go.

However, if by then you both want to try to iron things out, I would recommend you both going to Relate to get to the bottom of the issues with a neutral and trained observer.

[Craikeybaby]

I hope everyone is doing OK, I know this can be a tricky time of year for some.

At the moment I am actually thankful for my depression, as my 7 year old son is really struggling. I had noticed signs before, but as my wife does not believe in “medicalising everything” haven’t had it checked out. But last week his medication for an unrelated condition was changed and he’s been really low, looking at the side effects of Keppra depression is fairly common. We will speak to his doctor in the week, but at least now I have been able to help him with what helped me (drinking/sleeping well, breathing and fresh air) when I was suffering.

[Ruskie]

12 years ago I started this thread. Nothing much has changed. Slipping back into how I was feeling then, and the familiar numbness returning. It’s long time since I felt happy, and had a genuine smile on my face. Of course people are worse off, and have it tougher, but this is a slow death by a thousand cuts.

[Pistom]

It's saddening to read that. In those 12 years, has anything given you worth or happiness?

I wonder if it helps to try to focus on those things.

This thread has been a helpful outlet for many in that 12 years.

[thebraketester]

Ruskie said:

12 years ago I started this thread. Nothing much has changed. Slipping back into how I was feeling then, and the familiar numbness returning. It’s long time since I felt happy, and had a genuine smile on my face. Of course people are worse off, and have it tougher, but this is a slow death by a thousand cuts.

Did you stop drinking?

[James_33]

I could write a book on my anxiety and depression, I've had it for at least 20 years, sadly i have seen myself as just another statistic who many doctors, nurses etc would just fob off as they'll have heard many stories alike similar to mine so palm me off with some leaflets and phone numbers to call for another lot to listen to me that will have heard the same stories also.

Hard to see the positive when you are blinded by the negative.

[Ruskie]

Pistom said:

It's saddening to read that. In those 12 years, has anything given you worth or happiness?

I wonder if it helps to try to focus on those things.

This thread has been a helpful outlet for many in that 12 years.

New relationships, new career opportunities, still the same. I haven’t been unhappy, just less depressed than previously.

[Ruskie]

thebraketester said:

Ruskie said:

12 years ago I started this thread. Nothing much has changed. Slipping back into how I was feeling then, and the familiar numbness returning. It’s long time since I felt happy, and had a genuine smile on my face. Of course people are worse off, and have it tougher, but this is a slow death by a thousand cuts.

Did you stop drinking?

I would say I am an occasional drinker. If I have a night out I have to pay it back in the week.

[youngsyr]

James_33 said:

I could write a book on my anxiety and depression, I've had it for at least 20 years, sadly i have seen myself as just another statistic who many doctors, nurses etc would just fob off as they'll have heard many stories alike similar to mine so palm me off with some leaflets and phone numbers to call for another lot to listen to me that will have heard the same stories also.

Hard to see the positive when you are blinded by the negative.

I have zero medical training, so correct me if I'm wrong, but for a lot of people, there is no cure for depression; you just have to live with it and manage it as best as possible.

If people like Stephen Fry and Alastair Campbell can't get rid of it, with the funds and access to top medical professionals that they have, then the rest of us have zero chance of ever being depression free.

We all know the methods to try to deal with it: exercise, eating healthily, sleep routine. talking about our feelings, fresh air, meditation, pills. The problem is that the illness itself makes keeping up those defences very difficult.

[lizardbrain]

youngsyr said:

I have zero medical training, so correct me if I'm wrong, but for a lot of people, there is no cure for depression; you just have to live with it and manage it as best as possible.

If people like Stephen Fry and Alastair Campbell can't get rid of it, with the funds and access to top medical professionals that they have, then the rest of us have zero chance of ever being depression free.

We all know the methods to try to deal with it: exercise, eating healthily, sleep routine. talking about our feelings, fresh air, meditation, pills. The problem is that the illness itself makes keeping up those defences very difficult.

It’s not binary. Perhaps their depression would be a lot worse without access to expensive support.

Depression can impact more than mental health, it can contribute to heart disease, substance abuse. Low productivity.

If you can reduce depression by 50% the knock on impact can be huge

[youngsyr]

lizardbrain said:

It’s not binary. Perhaps their depression would be a lot worse without access to expensive support.

Depression can impact more than mental health, it can contribute to heart disease, substance abuse. Low productivity.

If you can reduce depression by 50% the knock on impact can be huge

I didn't say it was binary? In fact I'm pretty sure I said it could be managed and listed the most common ways that people find successful?

[thebraketester]

Ruskie said:

thebraketester said:

Ruskie said:

12 years ago I started this thread. Nothing much has changed. Slipping back into how I was feeling then, and the familiar numbness returning. It’s long time since I felt happy, and had a genuine smile on my face. Of course people are worse off, and have it tougher, but this is a slow death by a thousand cuts.

Did you stop drinking?

I would say I am an occasional drinker. If I have a night out I have to pay it back in the week.

I'll refer you back to "atomic habits". I am not saying that stopping drinking completely will fix your state of mind but it absolutely will not hurt it. You'll never have to "pay it back" again. Maybe it's one of the "thousand cuts" and the more of those cuts you can avoid, the better.

Concentrate on the small, seemingly microscopic improvements over the end goal.