Discussion
So the years of holding it back have finally caught up. An abused kid from a broken home, my teens were a chaotic mess of depression, counseling, and rejection. Somehow fought through it and built something a life, and lucked into a career taking me to London. Still chaos in my head, but there was hope. Then there was money, drugs, alcohol, women, prozac, effexor, yet somehow I put a reasonable career together; the power of youth. Still desperately lonely and unloved. Still with hugely painful depressive episodes, multiple counselors.
I married a woman I thought would be good for me, but wasn't in love with. But the depression improved, even if my use of alcohol didn't. We did 8 years before drifting and I met someone else - THE ONE - around the time I changed career. I got back in touch with my father, then in turn my brother.
A new beginning? Beautiful new woman who gave me love like I'd never known. I dream job which started to work. Fitness and sports regimes which kept me sane and healthy. And yet still I had episodes, and couldn't switch off the alcohol trigger. It followed me like a dark shadow, even when things seemed amazing there would be a tap on the shoulder to remind me the dark days could come at any moment.
And now here I am, just turned 42, feeling the lowest I have since those teenage years - which had the hope & energy of youth to fall back on. Father died in January, she left me months later. I should have married her, big love, child, the dream. Instead I'm alone, unloved, unwanted, feeling the potential I have, but can never realize because the internal voice will always push me down, now louder than ever and me too tired to shout it down. It'll never leave me alone, I'll never feel that happiness again, this is it. I've peaked. I don't want this pain any more.
I'm not drinking now, I exercise, work is fairly good; I have some friends who say nice things. But really, they have their own lives. There's not much else to do. Tough it out, hope it goes on it's own? The longer I'm apart from her, the more it hurts. I've been good before, but it'll always come back, stronger, revitalized by it's break from the conscious parts of my brain. People tell me to remember - to know - it's a passing phase, things will get better. But how do we know that? The cycle continues, the beast cannot be predicted or controlled. People happily - quite rightfully - quote the phrase "cancer is a c***". I agree, but I'll say that so is this cancer of the conscious mind.
I married a woman I thought would be good for me, but wasn't in love with. But the depression improved, even if my use of alcohol didn't. We did 8 years before drifting and I met someone else - THE ONE - around the time I changed career. I got back in touch with my father, then in turn my brother.
A new beginning? Beautiful new woman who gave me love like I'd never known. I dream job which started to work. Fitness and sports regimes which kept me sane and healthy. And yet still I had episodes, and couldn't switch off the alcohol trigger. It followed me like a dark shadow, even when things seemed amazing there would be a tap on the shoulder to remind me the dark days could come at any moment.
And now here I am, just turned 42, feeling the lowest I have since those teenage years - which had the hope & energy of youth to fall back on. Father died in January, she left me months later. I should have married her, big love, child, the dream. Instead I'm alone, unloved, unwanted, feeling the potential I have, but can never realize because the internal voice will always push me down, now louder than ever and me too tired to shout it down. It'll never leave me alone, I'll never feel that happiness again, this is it. I've peaked. I don't want this pain any more.
I'm not drinking now, I exercise, work is fairly good; I have some friends who say nice things. But really, they have their own lives. There's not much else to do. Tough it out, hope it goes on it's own? The longer I'm apart from her, the more it hurts. I've been good before, but it'll always come back, stronger, revitalized by it's break from the conscious parts of my brain. People tell me to remember - to know - it's a passing phase, things will get better. But how do we know that? The cycle continues, the beast cannot be predicted or controlled. People happily - quite rightfully - quote the phrase "cancer is a c***". I agree, but I'll say that so is this cancer of the conscious mind.
othername said:
So the years of holding it back have finally caught up. An abused kid from a broken home, my teens were a chaotic mess of depression, counseling, and rejection. Somehow fought through it and built something a life, and lucked into a career taking me to London. Still chaos in my head, but there was hope. Then there was money, drugs, alcohol, women, prozac, effexor, yet somehow I put a reasonable career together; the power of youth. Still desperately lonely and unloved. Still with hugely painful depressive episodes, multiple counselors.
I married a woman I thought would be good for me, but wasn't in love with. But the depression improved, even if my use of alcohol didn't. We did 8 years before drifting and I met someone else - THE ONE - around the time I changed career. I got back in touch with my father, then in turn my brother.
A new beginning? Beautiful new woman who gave me love like I'd never known. I dream job which started to work. Fitness and sports regimes which kept me sane and healthy. And yet still I had episodes, and couldn't switch off the alcohol trigger. It followed me like a dark shadow, even when things seemed amazing there would be a tap on the shoulder to remind me the dark days could come at any moment.
And now here I am, just turned 42, feeling the lowest I have since those teenage years - which had the hope & energy of youth to fall back on. Father died in January, she left me months later. I should have married her, big love, child, the dream. Instead I'm alone, unloved, unwanted, feeling the potential I have, but can never realize because the internal voice will always push me down, now louder than ever and me too tired to shout it down. It'll never leave me alone, I'll never feel that happiness again, this is it. I've peaked. I don't want this pain any more.
I'm not drinking now, I exercise, work is fairly good; I have some friends who say nice things. But really, they have their own lives. There's not much else to do. Tough it out, hope it goes on it's own? The longer I'm apart from her, the more it hurts. I've been good before, but it'll always come back, stronger, revitalized by it's break from the conscious parts of my brain. People tell me to remember - to know - it's a passing phase, things will get better. But how do we know that? The cycle continues, the beast cannot be predicted or controlled. People happily - quite rightfully - quote the phrase "cancer is a c***". I agree, but I'll say that so is this cancer of the conscious mind.
A deep post and one I can relate to. Top lurking as well 99 months and your first post!I married a woman I thought would be good for me, but wasn't in love with. But the depression improved, even if my use of alcohol didn't. We did 8 years before drifting and I met someone else - THE ONE - around the time I changed career. I got back in touch with my father, then in turn my brother.
A new beginning? Beautiful new woman who gave me love like I'd never known. I dream job which started to work. Fitness and sports regimes which kept me sane and healthy. And yet still I had episodes, and couldn't switch off the alcohol trigger. It followed me like a dark shadow, even when things seemed amazing there would be a tap on the shoulder to remind me the dark days could come at any moment.
And now here I am, just turned 42, feeling the lowest I have since those teenage years - which had the hope & energy of youth to fall back on. Father died in January, she left me months later. I should have married her, big love, child, the dream. Instead I'm alone, unloved, unwanted, feeling the potential I have, but can never realize because the internal voice will always push me down, now louder than ever and me too tired to shout it down. It'll never leave me alone, I'll never feel that happiness again, this is it. I've peaked. I don't want this pain any more.
I'm not drinking now, I exercise, work is fairly good; I have some friends who say nice things. But really, they have their own lives. There's not much else to do. Tough it out, hope it goes on it's own? The longer I'm apart from her, the more it hurts. I've been good before, but it'll always come back, stronger, revitalized by it's break from the conscious parts of my brain. People tell me to remember - to know - it's a passing phase, things will get better. But how do we know that? The cycle continues, the beast cannot be predicted or controlled. People happily - quite rightfully - quote the phrase "cancer is a c***". I agree, but I'll say that so is this cancer of the conscious mind.
Ruskie said:
Only last week did I tell my girlfriend about my depression. She was very supportive and said I should have told her sooner. I have 95% good days but a few bad ones which I just used to palm off as being tired. But she understands now and it's a weight off my shoulders not having to hide it. If you tell people and they aren't your friends anymore, you've not lost a friend.
xjay1337 said:
othername said:
-Snip-
You'll find someone else. There's always someone else.Head to the Match.com thread for a giggle and share your experiences
Well done for giving up the booze and keeping active. That alone should see you through.
olly22n said:
othername said:
xjay1337 said:
othername said:
-Snip-
You'll find someone else. There's always someone else.Head to the Match.com thread for a giggle and share your experiences
Well done for giving up the booze and keeping active. That alone should see you through.
Tinder slags only do so much, and its rather unfulfilling.
I went back on the meds (Citalopram in my case, had the least worse of the side effects) and after about 8 months of positive changes I was back and better than ever.
Are all of your negative feelings purely down to your ex partner? While it is human nature to miss and we can all relate and find it hard to let go (god knows I did), in time you will realise. Things happen for a reason, even if at the time you couldn't see it.
You will no doubt look back in 5 years and you can honestly say hand on heart that it was for the best.
Can you not channel your negative energy? When you start feeling alone/empty/loss, go for a run? Do some excersize? Call up a friend and go out for food, a drive, or a drink (depending on what you like?).
olly22n said:
othername said:
xjay1337 said:
othername said:
-Snip-
You'll find someone else. There's always someone else.Head to the Match.com thread for a giggle and share your experiences
Well done for giving up the booze and keeping active. That alone should see you through.
Tinder slags only do so much, and its rather unfulfilling.
xjay1337 said:
olly22n said:
othername said:
xjay1337 said:
othername said:
-Snip-
You'll find someone else. There's always someone else.Head to the Match.com thread for a giggle and share your experiences
Well done for giving up the booze and keeping active. That alone should see you through.
Tinder slags only do so much, and its rather unfulfilling.
I went back on the meds (Citalopram in my case, had the least worse of the side effects) and after about 8 months of positive changes I was back and better than ever.
Are all of your negative feelings purely down to your ex partner? While it is human nature to miss and we can all relate and find it hard to let go (god knows I did), in time you will realise. Things happen for a reason, even if at the time you couldn't see it.
You will no doubt look back in 5 years and you can honestly say hand on heart that it was for the best.
Can you not channel your negative energy? When you start feeling alone/empty/loss, go for a run? Do some excersize? Call up a friend and go out for food, a drive, or a drink (depending on what you like?).
Understanding and controlling your triggers is going to help you a lot.
Go to your GP.
Have you also tried up to CBT / Talking Therapy?
Have you seen a professional therapist also? Apologies if missed. Juggling lots here :-)
The most important thing is to try and not worry about being stuck in the cycle like that is what the rest of your life will be. There is a way out
Go to your GP.
Have you also tried up to CBT / Talking Therapy?
Have you seen a professional therapist also? Apologies if missed. Juggling lots here :-)
The most important thing is to try and not worry about being stuck in the cycle like that is what the rest of your life will be. There is a way out
xjay1337 said:
Understanding and controlling your triggers is going to help you a lot.
Go to your GP.
Have you also tried up to CBT / Talking Therapy?
Have you seen a professional therapist also? Apologies if missed. Juggling lots here :-)
The most important thing is to try and not worry about being stuck in the cycle like that is what the rest of your life will be. There is a way out
Thanks. GP Friday. Have tried various CBT etc over the years, nothing has proved helpful long term.Go to your GP.
Have you also tried up to CBT / Talking Therapy?
Have you seen a professional therapist also? Apologies if missed. Juggling lots here :-)
The most important thing is to try and not worry about being stuck in the cycle like that is what the rest of your life will be. There is a way out
I'm 42, I've suffered DP all my adult life, this is my life. There is a way out, but it's somewhat final.
othername said:
xjay1337 said:
Understanding and controlling your triggers is going to help you a lot.
Go to your GP.
Have you also tried up to CBT / Talking Therapy?
Have you seen a professional therapist also? Apologies if missed. Juggling lots here :-)
The most important thing is to try and not worry about being stuck in the cycle like that is what the rest of your life will be. There is a way out
Thanks. GP Friday. Have tried various CBT etc over the years, nothing has proved helpful long term.Go to your GP.
Have you also tried up to CBT / Talking Therapy?
Have you seen a professional therapist also? Apologies if missed. Juggling lots here :-)
The most important thing is to try and not worry about being stuck in the cycle like that is what the rest of your life will be. There is a way out
I'm 42, I've suffered DP all my adult life, this is my life. There is a way out, but it's somewhat final.
I've been on a few therapy courses.
I found CBT to be a complete waste of my time.
I recently did a mindfulness course which was helpful but intensely boring.
The one that hit the spot for me was called Compassionate Mind Therapy.
It was a long course (40 3 hour sessions & homework if you can call it that) but it gave me a much better understanding of what the f
k is going on in there. It gave me back a lot off the power and influence I felt I had lost.It focuses on the understanding of what is going on, talking about all the stuff you really don't want to talk about, in my case bringing a few skeletons out of the cupboard I didn't know existed and offering interventions that tend to work.
It's a group course and initially I thought 'f
k that, I'm not telling a group of randoms my problems' but it was by far better than doing a solo therapy.I still fall badly in the hole as can be seen by going up not too many posts but I used to live in the hole.
I'd recommend it.
Its improved my life.
longshot said:
othername said:
xjay1337 said:
Understanding and controlling your triggers is going to help you a lot.
Go to your GP.
Have you also tried up to CBT / Talking Therapy?
Have you seen a professional therapist also? Apologies if missed. Juggling lots here :-)
The most important thing is to try and not worry about being stuck in the cycle like that is what the rest of your life will be. There is a way out
Thanks. GP Friday. Have tried various CBT etc over the years, nothing has proved helpful long term.Go to your GP.
Have you also tried up to CBT / Talking Therapy?
Have you seen a professional therapist also? Apologies if missed. Juggling lots here :-)
The most important thing is to try and not worry about being stuck in the cycle like that is what the rest of your life will be. There is a way out
I'm 42, I've suffered DP all my adult life, this is my life. There is a way out, but it's somewhat final.
I've been on a few therapy courses.
I found CBT to be a complete waste of my time.
I recently did a mindfulness course which was helpful but intensely boring.
The one that hit the spot for me was called Compassionate Mind Therapy.
It was a long course (40 3 hour sessions & homework if you can call it that) but it gave me a much better understanding of what the f
k is going on in there. It gave me back a lot off the power and influence I felt I had lost.It focuses on the understanding of what is going on, talking about all the stuff you really don't want to talk about, in my case bringing a few skeletons out of the cupboard I didn't know existed and offering interventions that tend to work.
It's a group course and initially I thought 'f
k that, I'm not telling a group of randoms my problems' but it was by far better than doing a solo therapy.I still fall badly in the hole as can be seen by going up not too many posts but I used to live in the hole.
I'd recommend it.
Its improved my life.
othername said:
How did you discover this course?
I was lucky enough to be offered a place on the course after I finished a CBT course.After the CBT finished I was asked what I thought and told them that I had got nothing from it so I was referred back to the local mental health team for yet another assessment.
I was assessed and They offered it me.
I don't know if all health authorities do them as I believe it is quite new.
Where are you in the Country.
This course takes place in Derbyshire.
The course is focused on the fact that chronic Depression sufferers have a very self critical mind and it sets out to improve that.
These two books, by the same guy, are presumably similar to the course mentioned above. The Compassionate Mind is more of a theory book and Overcoming Depression (the latest edition) has more structure to follow in a CBT kinda way.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Compassionate-Mind-Compas...
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Depression-Cog...
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Compassionate-Mind-Compas...
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Depression-Cog...
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