Just about the worst day of my life
Discussion
Just seen this thread and wish I had some magic words of help, I can't imagine what you've been through H67, all the best for you and your family.
I know internet offers often ring hollow but I'm just across the water from you in Essex, if I can help you with anything at all just shout.
I know internet offers often ring hollow but I'm just across the water from you in Essex, if I can help you with anything at all just shout.
Well, things have moved on since Jan. J spent a week in care and coped ok with no major incidents. Unfortunately upon return home and return to school things haven`t worked out.
One morning he arrived at school, got out of the car, ran towards his teacher and head butted him in the ribs, this coupled with more incidents which resulted in trips to A&E and the school have cried enough. This is the only school he`s ever attended and is a special school for disabled children. Currently he is out of school, Mrs H has taken indefinite leave from her job to look after him with help from foster carers.
Monday is D-Day as our case is being heard by an education panel who will decide upon another school. We have found a couple of autism specific schools but this would mean a residential arrangement. Trouble is, of course, funding ~ these places cost thousands of pounds per week.
Fingers crossed we get a result. Here`s a pic of J.
One morning he arrived at school, got out of the car, ran towards his teacher and head butted him in the ribs, this coupled with more incidents which resulted in trips to A&E and the school have cried enough. This is the only school he`s ever attended and is a special school for disabled children. Currently he is out of school, Mrs H has taken indefinite leave from her job to look after him with help from foster carers.
Monday is D-Day as our case is being heard by an education panel who will decide upon another school. We have found a couple of autism specific schools but this would mean a residential arrangement. Trouble is, of course, funding ~ these places cost thousands of pounds per week.
Fingers crossed we get a result. Here`s a pic of J.
It is about the hardest thing in the world to care for and love a child who is so painfully detached from the functional world. I have friends who desperately wanted a child and after enormous difficulties adopted a beautiful baby.
It turned out that the little boy had an extreme case of fetal alcohol syndrome which manifests itself as uncontrolled rages and very short attention spans. The lad is now 15 and had been on medication most of his life. I know them well. He is in residential care.
I would love to be able to give some practical help but you are doing all that can possibly be done. I wish you the very best.
It turned out that the little boy had an extreme case of fetal alcohol syndrome which manifests itself as uncontrolled rages and very short attention spans. The lad is now 15 and had been on medication most of his life. I know them well. He is in residential care.
I would love to be able to give some practical help but you are doing all that can possibly be done. I wish you the very best.
Hullo, J. It is nice to 'meet' you.
I'm so desperately sorry things haven't been good. He's making it so obvious that things are not right for him right now in every possible way he can - I really, really hope that support will be made available to sort that out, whatever it takes.
I am in general ferociously opposed to sending disabled kids (or any kids come to think of it) to boarding school... but when it comes down to it being safe and happy trumps every other consideration, hands down, no question etc. Adolescence isn't easy for anybody, let alone when you can't talk about what you're feeling. If a residential school can provide an optimal 'J-friendly' environment, then go for it.
I have a friend whose son C is a few years older than J and also has autism, severe/profound intellectual impairment and very (very, very) challenging behaviour - dudes like C and J have never been served well by local authority services, especially in young adulthood - transitioning out of fulltime education seems to tend to be a huge tipping point though as it's the start of being able to focus EVERYTHING on him and him alone, being set up in his own space with a support system tailored to him (they call this 'personalisation') will be worlds away from the rocky road of compulsory education.
Still wishing you, Mrs H, J and his sister all the very best.
Becca
I'm so desperately sorry things haven't been good. He's making it so obvious that things are not right for him right now in every possible way he can - I really, really hope that support will be made available to sort that out, whatever it takes.
I am in general ferociously opposed to sending disabled kids (or any kids come to think of it) to boarding school... but when it comes down to it being safe and happy trumps every other consideration, hands down, no question etc. Adolescence isn't easy for anybody, let alone when you can't talk about what you're feeling. If a residential school can provide an optimal 'J-friendly' environment, then go for it.
I have a friend whose son C is a few years older than J and also has autism, severe/profound intellectual impairment and very (very, very) challenging behaviour - dudes like C and J have never been served well by local authority services, especially in young adulthood - transitioning out of fulltime education seems to tend to be a huge tipping point though as it's the start of being able to focus EVERYTHING on him and him alone, being set up in his own space with a support system tailored to him (they call this 'personalisation') will be worlds away from the rocky road of compulsory education.
Still wishing you, Mrs H, J and his sister all the very best.
Becca
I'm just watching the Louis Theroux documentary about autism, really puts this into context. It's shocking to see the sudden bursts of violence and I feel for some of the families featured, dealing with boys getting older and stronger and possibly uncontrollable.
Hope all is well as it can be now OP.
Hope all is well as it can be now OP.
carreauchompeur said:
I'm just watching the Louis Theroux documentary about autism, really puts this into context. It's shocking to see the sudden bursts of violence and I feel for some of the families featured, dealing with boys getting older and stronger and possibly uncontrollable.
Hope all is well as it can be now OP.
I watched that too and feel the same. All the best OPHope all is well as it can be now OP.
Just seen this thread and all of it is heart tugging reading until I read this one phrase:
"she`s never wavered, never lost her fierce all encompassing love for our son"
I then burst into tears. I am a mother and have this emotion for my 14 year old son. But he has no challenging behaviour (apart from normal teenager stuff) and I feel so grateful that this encompassing love is rarely fully challenged like it is for your wife.
And then I feel a little guilty that I have it so easy.
I wish you and your family every happiness and strength to continue to deal with family life.
"she`s never wavered, never lost her fierce all encompassing love for our son"
I then burst into tears. I am a mother and have this emotion for my 14 year old son. But he has no challenging behaviour (apart from normal teenager stuff) and I feel so grateful that this encompassing love is rarely fully challenged like it is for your wife.
And then I feel a little guilty that I have it so easy.
I wish you and your family every happiness and strength to continue to deal with family life.
Update time again.
The battle for a new school of our choice is over and J starts in Sept on a 38 week, term time residential at an autism specific facility an hours drive from home. When I say "our choice" we were given 2 to choose between. How did we choose? gut instinct really.
On the face of it we`ve got a result but despite everything I just can`t shake off this damn feeling of selling out,and quite how Mrs H will cope with handing J over on Sept 14 I can`t imagine.
Once over that hurdle, this has to work for us and J. It just has to, nowhere left to run to, nowhere left to hide. If this isn`t the answer there isn`t one.
If you`ve got this far, thanks.
The battle for a new school of our choice is over and J starts in Sept on a 38 week, term time residential at an autism specific facility an hours drive from home. When I say "our choice" we were given 2 to choose between. How did we choose? gut instinct really.
On the face of it we`ve got a result but despite everything I just can`t shake off this damn feeling of selling out,and quite how Mrs H will cope with handing J over on Sept 14 I can`t imagine.
Once over that hurdle, this has to work for us and J. It just has to, nowhere left to run to, nowhere left to hide. If this isn`t the answer there isn`t one.
If you`ve got this far, thanks.
Hammer67 said:
Update time again.
The battle for a new school of our choice is over and J starts in Sept on a 38 week, term time residential at an autism specific facility an hours drive from home. When I say "our choice" we were given 2 to choose between. How did we choose? gut instinct really.
On the face of it we`ve got a result but despite everything I just can`t shake off this damn feeling of selling out,and quite how Mrs H will cope with handing J over on Sept 14 I can`t imagine.
Once over that hurdle, this has to work for us and J. It just has to, nowhere left to run to, nowhere left to hide. If this isn`t the answer there isn`t one.
If you`ve got this far, thanks.
My son was not autistic but had very serious behavioural problems, and on the advice of his counsellor we enrolled him in a small boarding school that had a highly supportive program for kids like him. It was the best thing that ever happened to him , and now, at the age of 29, he looks back on it as a pivotal time in his life, and he remembers it with great affection. The battle for a new school of our choice is over and J starts in Sept on a 38 week, term time residential at an autism specific facility an hours drive from home. When I say "our choice" we were given 2 to choose between. How did we choose? gut instinct really.
On the face of it we`ve got a result but despite everything I just can`t shake off this damn feeling of selling out,and quite how Mrs H will cope with handing J over on Sept 14 I can`t imagine.
Once over that hurdle, this has to work for us and J. It just has to, nowhere left to run to, nowhere left to hide. If this isn`t the answer there isn`t one.
If you`ve got this far, thanks.
Like you , I felt enormous guilt, and the day I left him at the school was crushingly sad - I also felt like I had sold out. He looked accusingly at me as I left. Yet, as time went by, he adapted and has become a delightful and functioning adult with whom I have the best relationship. The guilt feeling is just inevitable, but I feel that you are doing the right thing for all of you, and hopefully the result will help him greatly to deal with his tough challenges in life. I wish you the very best at this tough time.
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