Just about the worst day of my life
Discussion
RDMcG said:
My son was not autistic but had very serious behavioural problems, and on the advice of his counsellor we enrolled him in a small boarding school that had a highly supportive program for kids like him. It was the best thing that ever happened to him , and now, at the age of 29, he looks back on it as a pivotal time in his life, and he remembers it with great affection.
Like you , I felt enormous guilt, and the day I left him at the school was crushingly sad - I also felt like I had sold out. He looked accusingly at me as I left. Yet, as time went by, he adapted and has become a delightful and functioning adult with whom I have the best relationship. The guilt feeling is just inevitable, but I feel that you are doing the right thing for all of you, and hopefully the result will help him greatly to deal with his tough challenges in life. I wish you the very best at this tough time.
Thanks RD, wise and uplifting words. I know we are doing the "right" thing ~ for me, for Mrs H, for Little Miss H and above all for J himself. The 3 of us left at home will get proper respite from the carnage and for the first time in more than a decade we can attempt to live what most people would call a normal life. J will be amongst specialists and fellow sufferers, he won`t stand out as "unusual" and will have the chance to be whatever his potential allows him to be.Like you , I felt enormous guilt, and the day I left him at the school was crushingly sad - I also felt like I had sold out. He looked accusingly at me as I left. Yet, as time went by, he adapted and has become a delightful and functioning adult with whom I have the best relationship. The guilt feeling is just inevitable, but I feel that you are doing the right thing for all of you, and hopefully the result will help him greatly to deal with his tough challenges in life. I wish you the very best at this tough time.
Not having him home will be both unbearable and a relief at the same time. J at home is a noisy, messy, chaotic mix of pain and pleasure that has become the norm for us. With him gone it will be very different.
We`ve wanted this for years, now we`ve got it I`ve got this horrible feeling of failure. Can`t seem to shake it off and whatever I feel Mrs H gets it tenfold. Sept 14 can`t come soon enough but hopefully it`ll never arrive.
Hammer67 said:
Update time again.
The battle for a new school of our choice is over and J starts in Sept on a 38 week, term time residential at an autism specific facility an hours drive from home. When I say "our choice" we were given 2 to choose between. How did we choose? gut instinct really.
On the face of it we`ve got a result but despite everything I just can`t shake off this damn feeling of selling out,and quite how Mrs H will cope with handing J over on Sept 14 I can`t imagine.
Once over that hurdle, this has to work for us and J. It just has to, nowhere left to run to, nowhere left to hide. If this isn`t the answer there isn`t one.
If you`ve got this far, thanks.
... but you are doing the best you can with the best of intentions for you all. It's not selling out at all, it's far from it. The reality of life without this alternative not set in place is one that would be far more difficult for all of you. I realise this may not help you shake off your feelings, but in the time between now and then, take a deep breath and calm your self enough to know that you have done the best you can, as a father, as a husband, as a man... as you. No one can ever ask more than that and you must not be so tough on your self to demand more than you have already done. It's hard to accept some times, but the alternative is to continually berate yourself.. which ultimately is far more gruelling and unkind than you deserve.The battle for a new school of our choice is over and J starts in Sept on a 38 week, term time residential at an autism specific facility an hours drive from home. When I say "our choice" we were given 2 to choose between. How did we choose? gut instinct really.
On the face of it we`ve got a result but despite everything I just can`t shake off this damn feeling of selling out,and quite how Mrs H will cope with handing J over on Sept 14 I can`t imagine.
Once over that hurdle, this has to work for us and J. It just has to, nowhere left to run to, nowhere left to hide. If this isn`t the answer there isn`t one.
If you`ve got this far, thanks.
You have walked many miles in your shoes already. Time enough to take them off a little while and touch the ground again barefooted. Ease up a bit when you can, it will do you the world of good.
Edited by drivin_me_nuts on Wednesday 18th July 19:41
gaunty said:
Hello Mate
I know I have never spoken to you before but my job is to support young adults with Autism, aspergers and Adhd
If you need any information or want a chat please Pm me and i will try and answer any questions you have.
Cheers James
Thanks James, very kind of you. I may well take you up on that at some point. And fair play to you for doing what you do. H67I know I have never spoken to you before but my job is to support young adults with Autism, aspergers and Adhd
If you need any information or want a chat please Pm me and i will try and answer any questions you have.
Cheers James
Hammer67 said:
gaunty said:
Hello Mate
I know I have never spoken to you before but my job is to support young adults with Autism, aspergers and Adhd
If you need any information or want a chat please Pm me and i will try and answer any questions you have.
Cheers James
Thanks James, very kind of you. I may well take you up on that at some point. And fair play to you for doing what you do. H67I know I have never spoken to you before but my job is to support young adults with Autism, aspergers and Adhd
If you need any information or want a chat please Pm me and i will try and answer any questions you have.
Cheers James
My inbox is always open, just make sure you write it on this thread, otherwise i'll miss it.
I would write more, but i've just got back from hols...speak soon
Hammer67 said:
gaunty said:
Hello Mate
I know I have never spoken to you before but my job is to support young adults with Autism, aspergers and Adhd
If you need any information or want a chat please Pm me and i will try and answer any questions you have.
Cheers James
Thanks James, very kind of you. I may well take you up on that at some point. And fair play to you for doing what you do. H67I know I have never spoken to you before but my job is to support young adults with Autism, aspergers and Adhd
If you need any information or want a chat please Pm me and i will try and answer any questions you have.
Cheers James
Well, today was the day. J is safely resident at his new school. Delivering him there was heart rending and I`ll never forget the look he gave me as we drove off without him. Apart from pics/video by email we have 6 weeks before we see him again. (J doesn`t understand telephones).
Mrs H is very quiet and tearful but got through today better than I expected so that`s good.
To fill the huge hole in our lives we`ve taken a leap into the unknown and bought a franchise.
H67.
Mrs H is very quiet and tearful but got through today better than I expected so that`s good.
To fill the huge hole in our lives we`ve taken a leap into the unknown and bought a franchise.
H67.
Edited by Hammer67 on Wednesday 1st December 22:48
It may seem like little consolation to know that you are doing the right thing, but in the dark of tonight when the mind thinks all sorts, know that the choices you made are with the best of intentions and with the best interests of the whole family in mind. From this little side of the PH world, there will be someone thinking of you and wishing you all well. Good luck with the franchise!
drivin_me_nuts said:
It may seem like little consolation to know that you are doing the right thing, but in the dark of tonight when the mind thinks all sorts, know that the choices you made are with the best of intentions and with the best interests of the whole family in mind. From this little side of the PH world, there will be someone thinking of you and wishing you all well. Good luck with the franchise!
Summed up my thoughts completely DMN.Update time. Blimey how time flies.
Well, J's time at his autism specific school (Bradstow in Broadstairs)comes to an end this July. He's 19 now and the placement has worked out about as well as anyone could have wished for. He's thrived and in so many ways has progressed hugely. Not by any "normal" measure obviously but insofar as his autism allows, he's a changed lad. Much calmer, much more tolerant of things that he finds stressful, much more communicative and meltdowns are now just a painful memory.
Can't speak highly enough of Bradstow and the staff there, wonderful, committed people who do a job I couldn't begin to even contemplate.
What now? Well, Bradstow pointed us in the direction of St Piers in Lingfield which is a college for young adults suffering from a variety of conditions, mainly epilepsy and autism. We paid them a visit, were very, very impressed with the people and the facilities and immediately applied for a place. J spent 2 days there having an in depth assessment for suitability and was offered a place.
A short, sharp battle for funding was won and he starts there in September, potentially for up to 4 years until he's 23. Brilliant news and a huge weight off our minds, a few more years for us all to progress and plan for his life as an adult when he will, we hope, be able to live peacefully at home with his family.
In other news, have been watching the first 2 episodes of The A Word on the Beeb, and finding it hard to watch, a virtual mirror image of what we went through all those years ago. Hopefully it will raise awareness of autism and similar conditions, and, perhaps more importantly, what the families of those affected go through.
If anyone is still reading at this point, Thanks.
Well, J's time at his autism specific school (Bradstow in Broadstairs)comes to an end this July. He's 19 now and the placement has worked out about as well as anyone could have wished for. He's thrived and in so many ways has progressed hugely. Not by any "normal" measure obviously but insofar as his autism allows, he's a changed lad. Much calmer, much more tolerant of things that he finds stressful, much more communicative and meltdowns are now just a painful memory.
Can't speak highly enough of Bradstow and the staff there, wonderful, committed people who do a job I couldn't begin to even contemplate.
What now? Well, Bradstow pointed us in the direction of St Piers in Lingfield which is a college for young adults suffering from a variety of conditions, mainly epilepsy and autism. We paid them a visit, were very, very impressed with the people and the facilities and immediately applied for a place. J spent 2 days there having an in depth assessment for suitability and was offered a place.
A short, sharp battle for funding was won and he starts there in September, potentially for up to 4 years until he's 23. Brilliant news and a huge weight off our minds, a few more years for us all to progress and plan for his life as an adult when he will, we hope, be able to live peacefully at home with his family.
In other news, have been watching the first 2 episodes of The A Word on the Beeb, and finding it hard to watch, a virtual mirror image of what we went through all those years ago. Hopefully it will raise awareness of autism and similar conditions, and, perhaps more importantly, what the families of those affected go through.
If anyone is still reading at this point, Thanks.
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