Please not: This thread contains startling honesty. If you don't like it, f
k off. I am aware that this thread may well not go the way it was intended but it is a risk I am willing to take.
I find myself in the midst of a particularly challenging time of life at the moment. I started a course in uni in September, it was going well but felt I had to leave as I made the mistake of falling hopelessly in love with a girl and then, due to personal circumstances involving her health and my sanity we broke up and I felt I had to return home. We hadn't spoken for ages until the other day, when she got in contact with me via facebook and we talked for a little bit. This obviously brought back all those feelings I had been trying so hard to suppress over the past 6 months and for a few days I felt the light at the end of the tunnel was getting further and further away. Now I have been at home for a few months, I have found a job, sorted re-starting my course in Swansea uni and am getting my life back in shape. Sort of.
This is where the startling honesty comes in. Hold on to your hat.
I have smoked weed pretty much solidly since I was about 12-13 years old. I am now 24, 25 next week. In fact, the longest period of time I have gone without smoking it at all over the past 12-13 years is 11 days. Shocking I know. I have no interest in counting the money I have spent on smoke because I am fairly sure it would be into 6 figures. I have been lazy, unmotivated and generally workshy although when I am in work I am a damn hard worker, competitive almost. It is also believed that I am autistic, though I have never been officially tested for it. I have great difficulty with people, get extremely nervous in social situations, am frequently misunderstood and have a very, very different viewpoint on life to most others etc, etc basically all the classic hallmarks of a f
king weirdo. As you can probably see from this text it is all I, I, I, like I don't know how to hold a conversation either.
In short, I'm an a
hole. People have no interest in me and when they do I have nothing to talk about. Nothing. I really try but it is no use, to the point that I give up and have basically withdrawn from social situations altogether, even amongst old friends that I know well. I'm the quiet one in the corner. Don't even get me started on chatting up girls, I can't do it, I just blush, stammer and go useless.
Lately I have found myself getting very aggressive but only with those closest to me, like I am comfortable enough around them that they may see how I really feel, even though it is always negative and I generally end up snapping. These moods are much, much worse in the morning. Once I get a couple of cigarettes and a cup of coffee I am generally alright, although a bifta does the job better. Unfortunately though, in the past week this has cost me both the ex whom I love and may have had another chance with and also the best mate who has been by my side for years, in fact we started smoking together, all that time ago.
I don't want to live like this anymore but I feel trapped. All my friends are stoners, they are all I know and even if I was to try and make other friends what do I do? I have nothing in common with very many people and the friends I do have are either stoners, collected via a common interest in wasting their f
king lives or just as socially incompetent as I am. The one friend I do have who has quit weed is, coincidentally my oldest friend, and is getting married soon so is spending his time with his fiance. Understandably too, the lucky b
So I want to change, but where to start? How does one go about dropping the habit of a lifetime? Every time I stop smoking, even if only for a day my mood drops, and I become someone I just can't deal with and don't want to be. A deeply unpleasant, highly unpredictable person with a very highly reckless attitude emerges but I can't stop it. It feels a little like like a Jekyll and Hyde scenario, it really does. I just don't feel in control.
So what would you do? Cut contact, go on your own and just try your hardest? Seek solace in the company of the few remaining friends I have? Run? (that one is tempting) I tried to put an end to it by moving away to uni but that sort of went tits up as mentioned earlier, I fell hopelessly in love and fell in with the stoners again. Which resulted in my boomeranging straight back into my original dilemma. Hmm.
Apologies for those of you who are of the opinion that I am a whining miserable
but I assure you, I could not give the first f
k about you or your input to this thread. I am not looking for sympathy, just opinions on how I might help myself. I can ask acquaintances and friends about this sort of thing but they give a biased opinion and most of them are stoners anyway so they aren't worth taking advice from in most cases.
Thanks.TL;DR?:- Retard stoner lacks direction in life, asks for opinions