How does one moderate one's farts, chaps?
Discussion
Becoming a bit of a problem of late.
Eating less seems to have an inverse effect on the frequency and volume of gaseous emissions. Small animals view me with disdain, while small children flee to their mothers. Gone are the days they conversed freely in the supermarket, along the lines of my mum says you ate all the f
king pies. Little sweeties. Alas, no longer, which is good, but I fear I might be stunting their mental development with these phenomenal, monstrous botty barks.
My daughter invited me round for a meal the other evening, after which I had to sneak outside and startle the badgers, as other guests were present. Even the paramedic next door was heard through closed windows shouting wtf was THAT?. She should be immune to this kind of thing, for pity’s sake.
This is getting serious. What to do, chaps…?
How does one remedy the sudden, unexpected onset of prolific trouser warbling? Can it be quelled from within by some trick potion, or what?
Please help. Clenched in anticipation.
PS...any references to the onset of senility and the letter h will be viewed with contempt and ignored. Thank you.
Eating less seems to have an inverse effect on the frequency and volume of gaseous emissions. Small animals view me with disdain, while small children flee to their mothers. Gone are the days they conversed freely in the supermarket, along the lines of my mum says you ate all the f
king pies. Little sweeties. Alas, no longer, which is good, but I fear I might be stunting their mental development with these phenomenal, monstrous botty barks.My daughter invited me round for a meal the other evening, after which I had to sneak outside and startle the badgers, as other guests were present. Even the paramedic next door was heard through closed windows shouting wtf was THAT?. She should be immune to this kind of thing, for pity’s sake.
This is getting serious. What to do, chaps…?
How does one remedy the sudden, unexpected onset of prolific trouser warbling? Can it be quelled from within by some trick potion, or what?
Please help. Clenched in anticipation.
PS...any references to the onset of senility and the letter h will be viewed with contempt and ignored. Thank you.
Doofus said:
It's all about the amount of pressure you apply, either on the fart itself, or on your cheeks to squeeze it, and whether you lean left, right, forwards or backwards.
Oh. Hang on. I though you said 'modulate'
Easy mistake to make Oh. Hang on. I though you said 'modulate'
To answer the OP, just hit the "report" button and a moderator should be along shortly
Rumour has it that if you gently pull one lower cheek to one side, the flappy bits that make the noise are rendered silent and all that results is a gentle 'pfffft'
Of course the noxious nature is still present and there's always the risk of letting a solid state fart out by accident.
Of course the noxious nature is still present and there's always the risk of letting a solid state fart out by accident.
The butt plug above is the obvious contender as I'm sure you have many and varied in your cot.
Your plight, however, sounds more serious and a simple plug may risk explosion.
May I recommend the following which you may use to dilate said orifice sufficiently.
or
Your plight, however, sounds more serious and a simple plug may risk explosion.
May I recommend the following which you may use to dilate said orifice sufficiently.
or
Edited by LordGrover on Monday 20th August 15:19
NeMiSiS said:
Look at the pretty colours.Edited by Justayellowbadge on Monday 20th August 18:24
DanDC5 said:
NeMiSiS said:
Look at the pretty colours.Back on topic. Buy a kite and be proud.
Edited by Justayellowbadge on Monday 20th August 18:23
tubbystu said:
Thank you. Glad someone is taking this seriously. However, I fear the NHS has not experienced the magnitude of my malady...Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff