Alcoholism? Help Needed.....

[sc0tt]

How do you define an alcoholic?

[Mobile Chicane]

I think it is an addiction, and a very powerful one at that.

She may not be physiologically dependent on alcohol (ie. needs a drink first thing in the morning just to get going), but it sounds as though she's psychologically addicted to alcohol - or getting that way.

You need to get her out of the habit of drinking every day, before it becomes (even more) entrenched. How about you suggest that you both have booze-free days Monday to Friday, or only drink socially?

Make it a problem you can both share, and definitely get to the root of what's causing it, as others have suggested.

[Adenauer]

A 'few' drinks in the evening shouldn't be a problem. Hiding a pot/glass of Vodka could be.

Don't rush into anything though. If you've left the drawer open for her to see then the first thing I would do is wait and see if she mentions it at all, not the Vodka but the fact that the drawer was left open. If she doesn't mention it then she may well be hoping that it was nothing and that's that. In which case she may well be afraid of talking to you about it as she knows that she has a problem.

Is she alone at home during the day? Does she have a few during the day and then 'top up' in the evening? That may explain her being more drunk than you think she should be.

Whatever you do, as others have already said, do not confront her directly about the drinking, if she does have a problem that'll make it worse.

Good luck.

[Oldred_V8S]

Nothing much to add other than don't ignore it, the sooner she gets help the better.

There is no more lonely existence than living with an alcoholic, it is true that AA debunk the disease myth. I tried for 20 years to help someone with an addiction to drink and in the end had to walk away. It was like living with someone you know is being unfaithful, albeit with drink rather than another man. The longer it goes on the more the lies and deceit wear you down.

I hope it is a short term blip for your partner and you manage to resolve this together.

I wish you all the best.

[TameRacingDriver]

I'm not judging anyone at all here, not at all, but am genuinely curious why its described as a "disease".

To me, a disease is something like cancer, MS, that type of thing. Something that is an illness that develops over time.

But alcoholism to me is simply being addicted / dependent on alcohol. If alcohol didn't exist, there would be no "disease" however, cancer and other "proper" diseases would still exist.

And I say this as someone who, by my own admission, has / had problems with drinking in the past, and who also lives with a partner who drinks way too much.

[SpeckledJim]

Is she breast-feeding? Not good for the little'un.

[Crusoe]

TameRacingDriver said:

I'm not judging anyone at all here, not at all, but am genuinely curious why its described as a "disease".

To me, a disease is something like cancer, MS, that type of thing. Something that is an illness that develops over time.

But alcoholism to me is simply being addicted / dependent on alcohol. If alcohol didn't exist, there would be no "disease" however, cancer and other "proper" diseases would still exist.

And I say this as someone who, by my own admission, has / had problems with drinking in the past, and who also lives with a partner who drinks way too much.

Alcoholism has physical symptoms that can kill the person if the alcohol was removed once it gets to a certain stage. Unlike most drug addictions which are physiological dependence there is a physical dependence with alcohol too.

[prand]

rhinochopig said:

focus on the underlying problem rather than the booze.

My wife has had a tough time adjusting to be a mum (and me too, being a dad) plus hormones changes cause big problems in even the most level headed, so even if she's "only" looking after the kids for 3 days its still a massive change and highly stressful.

I was not surprised when my wife started to flag under the strain of daily childcare, I struggle by myself for no more than an afternoon! All I can do is allow her to share the pain with me, help as much as I could and try (difficult) and not to think about myself too much, as the focus is not on me any more, it's to my family.

The worst bit for a mum I think is guilt - you are made to feel guilty from all directions friends, family, media etc). The pressure to bring up a perfect baby who doesn't cry and sleeps on demand, run a show house, hold down a successful job, look after an (often feckless and unprepared) husband yet still look and feel beautiful and sexy is overwhelming.

I'd tread so carefully over this - I'd assume your wife is already feeling bad about herself as per above, she'll know she is slipping, but getting this out in the open will help you both share the problem.

Good luck OP, this is a tricky one,and there is no quick answer.

[TameRacingDriver]

Crusoe said:

Alcoholism has physical symptoms that can kill the person if the alcohol us removed once it gets to a certain stage. Unlike most drug addictions which are physiological dependence there is a physical dependence with alcohol too.

Yes I understand that, but someone doesn't just wake up having never drank, and then become a alcoholic. To me, its something that is born out of habit; Someone starts drinking here and there, gets tolerance, slowly drinks more, ends up dependent.

Heroin also has physical symptoms that can kill people, but I rarely see heroin addicts described as having a "disease".

ETA Dont take this as me trolling, I am just genuinely confused as to why it's classed as a "disease".

[Tyre Smoke]

Oldred_V8S said:

Nothing much to add other than don't ignore it, the sooner she gets help the better.

There is no more lonely existence than living with an alcoholic, it is true that AA debunk the disease myth. I tried for 20 years to help someone with an addiction to drink and in the end had to walk away. It was like living with someone you know is being unfaithful, albeit with drink rather than another man. The longer it goes on the more the lies and deceit wear you down.

I hope it is a short term blip for your partner and you manage to resolve this together.

I wish you all the best.

This is so, so true.

[prand]

TameRacingDriver said:

ETA Dont take this as me trolling, I am just genuinely confused as to why it's classed as a "disease".

I see it like mental illness, which is also considered "a disease of the mind". Not necessarily with physical symptoms, but an affliction that the person does not have a choice in having, just like flu or chicken pox.

I've always understood that in advanced stages the compulsion to drink (or gamble, take drugs etc) overtakes personal choice and has to be "cured" by treatment. I assume the stigma that mental illness and perhaps alcoholism is trying to break by calling it a disease is that it's not just something "in the mind" or can be snapped out of, but a chronic condition that requires treatment, understanding and care.

I'm in two minds about this as I still believe (as I'm probably still partly of an old-fashioned prejudiced view) that the people who allow themselves to become alcoholics are doing this for selfish reasons, should look around them, listen to what people are saying and be able to just stop like anyone else. In these enlightened times this is wrong, I know, but it does make me unserdtand why people describe it as a disease.

Edited by prand on Thursday 22 November 12:58

[mattnunn]

All additcion stems from compulsive and irrational behaviours, call it disease, disorder or whatever you like, the sufferer is essentially helpless and unable to stop their decision making and behviour from destroying them, it's your body destroying itself or destroying your ability to live a normal life, so in that sense it's the same as any other disease.

Going back to teh point about PND or baby blues - if there was no history of heavy drinking or compulsive behaviour before the pregnancy I'd say this is quite likely to be a contributary factor if not the root cause. Once she accepts there is a problem if it is PND then I suspect it will be suprisingly easy to treat and get to grips with.

OP do not ignore this, it will not get better on its own.

[TameRacingDriver]

When you put it like that, I see what you mean. Cheers.

Good luck OP.

[prand]

[quote=prand]

I see it like mental illness, which is also considered "a disease of the mind". Not necessarily with physical symptoms, but an affliction that the person does not have a choice in having, just like flu or chicken pox.

I've always understood that in advanced stages the compulsion to drink (or gamble, take drugs etc) overtakes personal choice and has to be "cured" by treatment. I assume the stigma that mental illness and perhaps alcoholism is trying to break by calling it a disease is that it's not just something "in the mind" or can be snapped out of, but a chronic condition that requires treatment, understanding and care.

I'm in two minds about this as I still believe (as I'm probably still partly of an old-fashioned prejudiced view) that the people who allow themselves to become alcoholics are doing this for selfish reasons, should look around them, listen to what people are saying and be able to just stop like anyone else. In these enlightened times this is wrong, I know, but it does make me unserdtand why people describe it as a disease to give it a similar level of seriousness.

[CraigVmax]

a lot of sense has been spoken above. Having been pretty close to this problem pls take heed that at some point, whether she does or doesnt have a problem (and on the hidden vodka evidence I'd suggest that she may have), she will tell you what you want to hear, and you'll likely want to believe it. But trust your gut and trust common sense, as someone in the depths of alcoholism can make very bizarre stuff sound quite plausible. good luck matey.

[The Beaver King]

OP. there is a thread in the health matters forum that is well worth a read.

Alcoholism Advice

Now obviously your wife hasn't got anywhere near that stage, but it is worth a read just to understand the mindset behind drinking.

I'm almost positive from what you have mentioned that child birth was the trigger. Either because of PND or the fact she is bored at home and drinking has slowly crept in.

Definitely have a casual conversation about it. If she is hiding alcohol then she knows she is drinking enough to cause you concern. Good luck.

[drivin_me_nuts]

Council Baby said:

Talk to her, work it from there.

This. A lot of it. You need to be tactful and diplomatic and you both need to begin to understand what is driving her need to consume alcohol.

Whether it is a disease, an addiction or something else entirely, it matters not. What matters is that the underlying issues are raised and then, with the right help addressed.

Alcoholism is an utterly miserable thing to experience, no more so from the point of a loving partner and also as a child growing up in that environment. This needs to be recognised by her right now and not two or three years down the line. It needs to be confronted head on, in an open and non-confrontational manner as possible. Part of that is you also understanding exactly what the uncrossable line is within both your relationship, your baby and your life. I cannot stress this enough. Many many partners of alcoholics become as damaged as the alcoholic themselves.

Get this in the open now. Start the process of seeking help. Her GP is the start. This might be something as 'simple' as PND, or as complex as a deep rooted and profound issue that becoming a mother has bought to the surface. In that respect, alcohol may well have become the antidote, not the reason in itself. If you are still dithering with what to do in two or three weeks, you are doing it wrong. This weekend is a good time to start. Please don't leave it.

Open mind, open heart and understanding is the way ahead - but YOU need to back it up with a clear set of rules about what is and what is not acceptable... and keeping Vodka in the back of the medicine cabinet is not acceptable at all. Ever. You have tough days ahead, of that fact be in no doubt. But now, rather than later or 'after Christmas is over we'll talk about it', won't do. Get it out there, in the open, ASAP.

[dave_s13]

You will find that nearly all big cities have dedicated community addiction units.
As long as she is up for it then they are usually very easy to access via your GP or any other healthcare prof, or even self refer.

[Zod]

Having experience of two brothers who were alcoholics, I can tell you that hte hiding of vodka is a key sign. Once a person feels the need to drink furtively, there is clear alcohol dependency. Support is the only way through and alcoholics can be very difficult to support. They can be utterly devious, as weell as being downright nasty. You just have to remember the person you are dealing with is not the person you love, but the alcoholic. Once the person gets to the stage of no longer drinking, the person you love will be back.

[Tyre Smoke]

Zod said:

Having experience of two brothers who were alcoholics, I can tell you that hte hiding of vodka is a key sign. Once a person feels the need to drink furtively, there is clear alcohol dependency. Support is the only way through and alcoholics can be very difficult to support. They can be utterly devious, as weell as being downright nasty. You just have to remember the person you are dealing with is not the person you love, but the alcoholic. Once the person gets to the stage of no longer drinking, the person you love will be back.

This too is very true.

Also, the talk to her advice is good. But a word or warning, no matter how plausible her promises, don't believe a word of it. That's not to sound harsh, and don't tell her you don't believe her, but work on the premise that she is telling you what you want to hear. Wait until you see clear evidence that she has it under control before you start believing what she says. Also, be aware that she might be under the influence and you not know it - mid afternoon before you get home and she needs something from the shops - car, accident, disaster. It's almost like you need to be just as devious sometimes.