Effing cancer is an effing effer, frankly

[motco]

N7GTX said:

Thanks. Funny old thing this prostate. Even the finger test can upset the PSA level. Mine was 38 back in July but is now down at 4.9 (less than 6 is good).
The more worrying score was the Gleason one where mine was on max at 10 = aggressive form of the disease.
Still plenty of time to play with my TVR though....

I had/have BHP (benign prostatic hyperplasia or hypertrophy) and when the symptoms became impossible to ignore - including frank haemoturia (blood in urine) - I had a PSA test which returned a figure of 15. After lots of bum probing and a U/S guided biopsy, it was declared benign (thank God) and I was given first alpha blockers and then the testosterone reducer finasteride- neither had any real effect. The PSA level didn't markedly improve either. About five years ago I opted for the surgical resection procedure using a green laser, or a TURP if the surgeons thought it preferable in my case. As it happened the green laser treatment had to be abandoned mid-way because of excessive bleeding making visibilty poor. The remainder of the resection was done by hot wire (TURP). This made life almost back to my historic norm where it remains - peeing once or twice a night usually. The PSA level dropped immediately to 'safe' levels which meant it was only ever raised due to the BPH. It's value as a cancer indicator is very limited it seems.

[Don]

This.

It fking killed my Dad and now it's fking killed my brother in law.

[Morningside]

It's been a year since I posted on here to say this evil bd killed my wife and it feels just as raw.

[drivin_me_nuts]

Morningside said:

It's been a year since I posted on here to say this evil bd killed my wife and it feels just as raw.

I know. It does and it will do for a long time to come.

This anniversary is the hardest of all and I know you've been dreading it. I'm sorry, I wish there was something I could say that would take away your pain, but I know nothing, save your lass returning is what you want. I did to. I could almost see her walking through the door and me saying 'where have you been?@

It's so hard to take in, let alone accept.

But what I will say is this. Today, especially today, do something small, something to remind you of the good times you had together. Even if it's just looking at her picture, or holding a piece of your lass's clothing close, do so. Because, the connection to your lady is as strong today as it was when you said goodbye last year. Hold your lass close, let go the pain, and today light a light inside to carrry you beyond this first year into the rest of your life.

Life is more than a holding pattern in grief. Your life will be more than a holding pattern of loss. It will be. Trust me on this. I can't remember the first year of my loss - I genuinely 'lost' a year of my life. BUT, the first year is little more than a holding pattern of life, but you know full well, your wife wants more for you than turning your life into a shrine to her loss and expectially today is a good day to read this.

Light a candle, cry, grieve, give yourself permission to let go the grief within and let it pour from you. But later, you will feel different.

From one to another who walked this most horrible of paths too bloody young for both of us, I wish you some peace and respite from your grief. X

[Morningside]

drivin_me_nuts said:

Morningside said:

It's been a year since I posted on here to say this evil bd killed my wife and it feels just as raw.

Wonderful words.

Thank you. Thank you so much. I went to the church and stood there. Just stood there as I could not find the words or emotion. Then I realised I had been there for 15 minutes and it was like time had stood still.

[George111]

motco said:

N7GTX said:

Thanks. Funny old thing this prostate. Even the finger test can upset the PSA level. Mine was 38 back in July but is now down at 4.9 (less than 6 is good).
The more worrying score was the Gleason one where mine was on max at 10 = aggressive form of the disease.
Still plenty of time to play with my TVR though....

I had/have BHP (benign prostatic hyperplasia or hypertrophy) and when the symptoms became impossible to ignore - including frank haemoturia (blood in urine) - I had a PSA test which returned a figure of 15. After lots of bum probing and a U/S guided biopsy, it was declared benign (thank God) and I was given first alpha blockers and then the testosterone reducer finasteride- neither had any real effect. The PSA level didn't markedly improve either. About five years ago I opted for the surgical resection procedure using a green laser, or a TURP if the surgeons thought it preferable in my case. As it happened the green laser treatment had to be abandoned mid-way because of excessive bleeding making visibilty poor. The remainder of the resection was done by hot wire (TURP). This made life almost back to my historic norm where it remains - peeing once or twice a night usually. The PSA level dropped immediately to 'safe' levels which meant it was only ever raised due to the BPH. It's value as a cancer indicator is very limited it seems.

I had slow urine flow so was prescribed Tamsulosin but a few months later they found a cyst on my prostate so deflated it but now I find I can't come off the Tamsulosin. Did you ever have Tamsulosin ? My BHP level was 1 all through this process so not likely to have cancer and I was (am still) in my 40's. Digit test never suggested an enlarged prostate.

[jbudgie]

Not really the same as you George 111, but after having an operation for bowel cancer some years ago, they put me on tamsulosin (amongst other things) which I took for some years.

Recently have stopped taking it after Drs advice to try without it , and things stayed the same, so perhaps you wont always need to take it.

[motco]

George111 said:

motco said:

N7GTX said:

Thanks. Funny old thing this prostate. Even the finger test can upset the PSA level. Mine was 38 back in July but is now down at 4.9 (less than 6 is good).
The more worrying score was the Gleason one where mine was on max at 10 = aggressive form of the disease.
Still plenty of time to play with my TVR though....

I had/have BHP (benign prostatic hyperplasia or hypertrophy) and when the symptoms became impossible to ignore - including frank haemoturia (blood in urine) - I had a PSA test which returned a figure of 15. After lots of bum probing and a U/S guided biopsy, it was declared benign (thank God) and I was given first alpha blockers and then the testosterone reducer finasteride- neither had any real effect. The PSA level didn't markedly improve either. About five years ago I opted for the surgical resection procedure using a green laser, or a TURP if the surgeons thought it preferable in my case. As it happened the green laser treatment had to be abandoned mid-way because of excessive bleeding making visibilty poor. The remainder of the resection was done by hot wire (TURP). This made life almost back to my historic norm where it remains - peeing once or twice a night usually. The PSA level dropped immediately to 'safe' levels which meant it was only ever raised due to the BPH. It's value as a cancer indicator is very limited it seems.

I had slow urine flow so was prescribed Tamsulosin but a few months later they found a cyst on my prostate so deflated it but now I find I can't come off the Tamsulosin. Did you ever have Tamsulosin ? My BHP level was 1 all through this process so not likely to have cancer and I was (am still) in my 40's. Digit test never suggested an enlarged prostate.

Tamsulosin is an alpha blocker. I found that neither that nor Finasteride did much for me. The digital rectal examination looks for size and texture. A healthy prostate is not only the size of a walnut (mine's more the size of an apple!) but is smooth on the surface. A craggy one is more likely to be cancerous.

[drivin_me_nuts]

Morningside said:

drivin_me_nuts said:

Morningside said:

It's been a year since I posted on here to say this evil bd killed my wife and it feels just as raw.

Wonderful words.

Thank you. Thank you so much. I went to the church and stood there. Just stood there as I could not find the words or emotion. Then I realised I had been there for 15 minutes and it was like time had stood still.

I am the same. My wife#s ashes are on Skye and when I go, the place holds me in silence for a long time - the time I let her go I cried so much. The last time, I stood and said nothing for a long time. We need these times for reflection, for us to begin to place into context what has happened to us. After two years I promised I would not return until my life had continued beyond grieving and the pain of her loss.

I returned when it did.

No one can tell you the plot of the course of your life with regards to loss. It's different for all of us. But one thing is for sure, there will come a day when visiting your lady won't just be a place on no words or unplacable emotions, it will be a place when you reach out and think different thoughts with a different mindset.

It's so hard to do what you are doing. There are no books to read, no 'how to guides' to study on what does it take to survive the first months and early years of of widowerhood. But you'll find your own path back to life - and to a life that holds meaning and context for you. You will never ever forget any of what matters, but you will also learn to accept that as time passes, your memories will take on a softer edge - a more forgiving edge to the raw hardness that is currently your constant companion.

I grieved for a long time. I remarried this September just gone. My best man was a PH'er who met me at the worst of times and has been my most wonderful loving friend. Even as I stood on the day where I made a commitment to another woman, my lass Lily was very much in my thoughts - but in the way of knowing that she would have wanted, more than anything, for me to 'be happy'. And I know, that's a ridiculous expression, but we all have to work out what that means to each of us.

Welcome my friend to the 1 year plus widowers club . Loss - it has the power to break you in to, but it also has the power to strengthen you throughout the rest of your life. Carry forwards today your lass's immortality that lies within you. Carry forwards the best of the essence of what made you happy and as you do, make yourself a promise... to be you and not to let cancer take from you, what made you so desirable to the woman who meant so much.

Because, that is the hidden cost of cancer - the legacy of potential it leaves behind to change our survivor lives as well. Yes, cancer took your lass's life, mine to, but cancer doesn't have to change the person you or are, are. It makes a damned good try of it, but ultimately what lies within, if you let it, remains the driving force for keeping you, you.

I wish you peace... but so much more than that, a life in which your lass is a vibrant guiding force that drives you forwards in a way that makes you unstoppable in your life. R.

[Boshly]

You are a great man Russell. Not just for what you say or what you do, but for people like you just existing. Some/many may have the feelings and thoughts but few can or will convey as freely and eloquently as you do; and sharing them is the greater gift.

Morningside, I wish you God speed to hopefully reach where Russell points. I trust and hope the path is somewhat smoother as time goes by.

To all others on this thread my condolences and best wishes.

fk you Cancer. You won't always win!

[RDMcG]

Morningside, I feel for your loss and wish you the very best in this desperately sad time.

Russell, I truly believe that your words over the years have been a wonderful comfort for the many who have been affected by this savage disease, and equally for those who might well be in some future time. I have always found your honesty and kindness to be unforgettable.

[boobles]

Just reading through some of the last few posts & it does remind me just how awful some of you guys have had it over the last couple of years.

[wackydo]

I've posted a time or two in this thread, but I find it difficult to sit down and write about my stage 4 metastatic cancer.

I've made a few videos on youtube about about my experience so far. I don't know if they might help anyone, or if its just me talking st into a webcam.

Here's the first one:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGSAFzC4gdU

Tony

[drivin_me_nuts]

wackydo said:

I've posted a time or two in this thread, but I find it difficult to sit down and write about my stage 4 metastatic cancer.

I've made a few videos on youtube about about my experience so far. I don't know if they might help anyone, or if its just me talking st into a webcam.

Here's the first one:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGSAFzC4gdU

Tony

Tony, Please do keep making the videos. It matters for so many reasins, but mainly because you have a voice that others need to hear on a subject that is so very important.

People will actively search out anything that helps them in their own cancer journey and it can be a huge comfort to know that 'there is someone out there like me'.

All the best, but please also remember to make it work for you... Writing, blogging is empowering, but when it works positively for you to.

[mikees]

drivin_me_nuts said:

Morningside said:

drivin_me_nuts said:

Morningside said:

It's been a year since I posted on here to say this evil bd killed my wife and it feels just as raw.

Wonderful words.

Thank you. Thank you so much. I went to the church and stood there. Just stood there as I could not find the words or emotion. Then I realised I had been there for 15 minutes and it was like time had stood still.

I am the same. My wife#s ashes are on Skye and when I go, the place holds me in silence for a long time - the time I let her go I cried so much. The last time, I stood and said nothing for a long time. We need these times for reflection, for us to begin to place into context what has happened to us. After two years I promised I would not return until my life had continued beyond grieving and the pain of her loss.

I returned when it did.

No one can tell you the plot of the course of your life with regards to loss. It's different for all of us. But one thing is for sure, there will come a day when visiting your lady won't just be a place on no words or unplacable emotions, it will be a place when you reach out and think different thoughts with a different mindset.

It's so hard to do what you are doing. There are no books to read, no 'how to guides' to study on what does it take to survive the first months and early years of of widowerhood. But you'll find your own path back to life - and to a life that holds meaning and context for you. You will never ever forget any of what matters, but you will also learn to accept that as time passes, your memories will take on a softer edge - a more forgiving edge to the raw hardness that is currently your constant companion.

I grieved for a long time. I remarried this September just gone. My best man was a PH'er who met me at the worst of times and has been my most wonderful loving friend. Even as I stood on the day where I made a commitment to another woman, my lass Lily was very much in my thoughts - but in the way of knowing that she would have wanted, more than anything, for me to 'be happy'. And I know, that's a ridiculous expression, but we all have to work out what that means to each of us.

Welcome my friend to the 1 year plus widowers club . Loss - it has the power to break you in to, but it also has the power to strengthen you throughout the rest of your life. Carry forwards today your lass's immortality that lies within you. Carry forwards the best of the essence of what made you happy and as you do, make yourself a promise... to be you and not to let cancer take from you, what made you so desirable to the woman who meant so much.

Because, that is the hidden cost of cancer - the legacy of potential it leaves behind to change our survivor lives as well. Yes, cancer took your lass's life, mine to, but cancer doesn't have to change the person you or are, are. It makes a damned good try of it, but ultimately what lies within, if you let it, remains the driving force for keeping you, you.

I wish you peace... but so much more than that, a life in which your lass is a vibrant guiding force that drives you forwards in a way that makes you unstoppable in your life. R.

I'm 2 years in and plan to get married to my new partner next year.

But I still think of my late wife all the time. Will that ever stop? Would want it too? I feel unfaithful to both.

Mike

[drivin_me_nuts]

mikees said:

I'm 2 years in and plan to get married to my new partner next year.

But I still think of my late wife all the time. Will that ever stop? Would want it too? I feel unfaithful to both.

Mike

When I started dating J, my new wife, I felt utterly wretched. It was the most appalling feeling of being unfaithful. But how can you be unfaithful to a dead woman? It's something that took a very long time to rationalise. In order to begin to have an intimate relationship I had to redecorate 'our' (as in my lass's and my room) and replace everything that was in some way connected to my lass. It was very difficult to begin a relationship anything more than platonic and at times I felt physically torn apart - yes quite literally that I was being physically torn apart between my lass and a new life. And it went on for months.

In fact, J said that for the first year and a half, there were three of us in our relationship. Looking back, I think she was right. But I think that's also very normal and very much part for the course in, for want an expression 'unplanned separations'.

I don't think that I will ever stop thinking of my lass. I don't want to as she was so much part of my life and she shaped so very much of who I am today. Why would I want to? But... I'm very aware that you have to keep a perspective on this, in so far as you have to learn to make a context for your wife in your life, that allows you to move forwards with your new lady. it's not easy but it needs to be done, otherwise what will happen is that you will never form a deeper connection with your new lady. Now, that may be fine, if what you want is a 'companionship' type marriage (and there's nothing wrong with that, if that is what you both want).

I found it very difficult to take the steps beyond grief back to having a relationship 'in the now', and I think that many other people do to. our kind of separations were not wanted and they certainly weren't 'amicable' and they take a long time to process. And you will be doing it for a long time to come - even in to the time you remarry.

And no, you're not being unfaithful, or being 'unfair' to your new partner in any way. What you doing is processing grief - and grief is very complex and multi faceted. It is the little things that side-swipe you and sometimes seemingly 'trivial' aspects that can paralyse for days or weeks at a time.

What I learned from this, how I handled it was to finally begin to accept that my lass would have wanted me to be happy and for cancer not to have changed me to the point that I could not function as a loving human being again. That for me was the point of realisation, reached after a real crisis in my new relationship. it took a lot of soul searching and an internal agreement to realise that life can be about remembering and loving and cherishing what I had, with what I could build today and into the future.

I understand your conflict and i'm acutely aware of the pain that goes hand-in-hand with it, but trust in this, you will find that balance within. it may take a while, even up to and beyond your wedding next year - in fact it may even take the wedding planning itself to help the deeper part of your mind accept that life is moving forwards again. You'll never forget - don't worry about that.

It's not the forgetting...

... it's learning to hold with one hand the wife you lost and cherishing the warmth of that love, and in the other, another hand, a new hand to love and love back for the rest of this life.

(and every now and then, we all need the love and support of those around us to help us through the days when the stones on the road of the path of our lives, dig a little too deep for us to make any headway).

As always, all the best. R.

[jbudgie]

wackydo said:

I've posted a time or two in this thread, but I find it difficult to sit down and write about my stage 4 metastatic cancer.

I've made a few videos on youtube about about my experience so far. I don't know if they might help anyone, or if its just me talking st into a webcam.

Here's the first one:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGSAFzC4gdU

Tony

Keep making them Tony.

[audikentman]

jbudgie said:

wackydo said:

I've posted a time or two in this thread, but I find it difficult to sit down and write about my stage 4 metastatic cancer.

I've made a few videos on youtube about about my experience so far. I don't know if they might help anyone, or if its just me talking st into a webcam.

Here's the first one:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGSAFzC4gdU

Tony

Keep making them Tony.

Agreed top stuff.
Poxy fatigue when you are on chemo. Grrrrrr
Don't worry about the hair loss, I didn't spend a penny last year on haircuts and shampoo. Every cloud and all that.

[wackydo]

Thanks for the feedback, I have the videos as a playlist here:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLgSiDGxNdpK...

I talk about cancer drugs, sleeping, painkillers, beds, depression - all exciting topics.


cheers
Tony

[FBP1]

Tony, I've just watched all 5 and I think it's important stuff that you are doing.
I am not in the same situation, but I have friends who are and it's hard to understand or imagine what they are going through and how to best support them, so your words from the front line are valuable.
I'm very sorry for them and you to have to go through this, but to paraphrase Shakespeare (badly) - the good that men do lives on. You're doing a good thing here and, impressive Yorkshire sang froid apart , that good will live on.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and do post more- I will watch them all and will point others your way too.
J