Friend who is an alcholic
Discussion
Hi,
One of my closest friends (early 30's) has admitted to being an alcoholic.
He has always liked a drink, he rented off me in his mid 20's and he drank frequently and there were times I was worried and we talked about it & he calmed it down.
He then fell off the rails & got really depressed (he was on tablets for this for years) and ended up getting help from the council putting him in a B&B.
2-3 years ago his life all turned around, he found a lovely girl (they had known each other for years) and last year I was the best man at their wedding.
I was so pleased for him to finally be on an upward trajectory.
Its now all gone wrong. He started lying to his wife about his drinking.
When caught he was verbally abusive to her.
She went out one night when he was in "recovery" and I went round to "babysit" him, he had hidden booze somewhere and got off his face throughout the night. Started denying drinking but it was obvious then admitted to having 3 beers. It was clearly spirits.
Since then they have been away on holiday.
Then last week the wife posted on facebook and tagged him in a post stating she is living in hell and he is an alcoholic.
He has been stealing off her to get booze.
His family has basically told her "he's your problem now" and have been f
k all use - his dads an recovering alcoholic (been clean for years).
He is now living in a caravan on his wife's property. Last night he "broke in" to the house (her view but clearly not necessarily legal). Presumably to find booze, money or something to sell.
She now wants him gone.
He has nowhere to go. I offered him the other day to stay with me for a while but if i'm honest (& selfish) i'm worried he will accept and start taking stuff based on his wifes experience.
He refuses to talk to anyone - me included.
Anyway - reason for war and peace; I don't know where to go with this, he really needs professional help. He has attempted suicide before and I cant believe he is far off again and he is one of the nicest people when sober (even when drunk he has always been nice to me).
Is this the sort of thing that can get someone sectioned? Or in a residential alcohol recovery facility? I really dont have a clue what to do for the best he just seems to be on self destruct.
One of my closest friends (early 30's) has admitted to being an alcoholic.
He has always liked a drink, he rented off me in his mid 20's and he drank frequently and there were times I was worried and we talked about it & he calmed it down.
He then fell off the rails & got really depressed (he was on tablets for this for years) and ended up getting help from the council putting him in a B&B.
2-3 years ago his life all turned around, he found a lovely girl (they had known each other for years) and last year I was the best man at their wedding.
I was so pleased for him to finally be on an upward trajectory.
Its now all gone wrong. He started lying to his wife about his drinking.
When caught he was verbally abusive to her.
She went out one night when he was in "recovery" and I went round to "babysit" him, he had hidden booze somewhere and got off his face throughout the night. Started denying drinking but it was obvious then admitted to having 3 beers. It was clearly spirits.
Since then they have been away on holiday.
Then last week the wife posted on facebook and tagged him in a post stating she is living in hell and he is an alcoholic.
He has been stealing off her to get booze.
His family has basically told her "he's your problem now" and have been f
k all use - his dads an recovering alcoholic (been clean for years).He is now living in a caravan on his wife's property. Last night he "broke in" to the house (her view but clearly not necessarily legal). Presumably to find booze, money or something to sell.
She now wants him gone.
He has nowhere to go. I offered him the other day to stay with me for a while but if i'm honest (& selfish) i'm worried he will accept and start taking stuff based on his wifes experience.
He refuses to talk to anyone - me included.
Anyway - reason for war and peace; I don't know where to go with this, he really needs professional help. He has attempted suicide before and I cant believe he is far off again and he is one of the nicest people when sober (even when drunk he has always been nice to me).
Is this the sort of thing that can get someone sectioned? Or in a residential alcohol recovery facility? I really dont have a clue what to do for the best he just seems to be on self destruct.
iwantagta said:
Hi,
One of my closest friends (early 30's) has admitted to being an alcoholic.
He has always liked a drink, he rented off me in his mid 20's and he drank frequently and there were times I was worried and we talked about it & he calmed it down.
He then fell off the rails & got really depressed (he was on tablets for this for years) and ended up getting help from the council putting him in a B&B.
2-3 years ago his life all turned around, he found a lovely girl (they had known each other for years) and last year I was the best man at their wedding.
I was so pleased for him to finally be on an upward trajectory.
Its now all gone wrong. He started lying to his wife about his drinking.
When caught he was verbally abusive to her.
She went out one night when he was in "recovery" and I went round to "babysit" him, he had hidden booze somewhere and got off his face throughout the night. Started denying drinking but it was obvious then admitted to having 3 beers. It was clearly spirits.
Since then they have been away on holiday.
Then last week the wife posted on facebook and tagged him in a post stating she is living in hell and he is an alcoholic.
He has been stealing off her to get booze.
His family has basically told her "he's your problem now" and have been fk all use - his dads an recovering alcoholic (been clean for years).
He is now living in a caravan on his wife's property. Last night he "broke in" to the house (her view but clearly not necessarily legal). Presumably to find booze, money or something to sell.
She now wants him gone.
He has nowhere to go. I offered him the other day to stay with me for a while but if i'm honest (& selfish) i'm worried he will accept and start taking stuff based on his wifes experience.
He refuses to talk to anyone - me included.
Anyway - reason for war and peace; I don't know where to go with this, he really needs professional help. He has attempted suicide before and I cant believe he is far off again and he is one of the nicest people when sober (even when drunk he has always been nice to me).
Is this the sort of thing that can get someone sectioned? Or in a residential alcohol recovery facility? I really dont have a clue what to do for the best he just seems to be on self destruct.
Strange situation. Can he not just drink at night and keep it together during the day?One of my closest friends (early 30's) has admitted to being an alcoholic.
He has always liked a drink, he rented off me in his mid 20's and he drank frequently and there were times I was worried and we talked about it & he calmed it down.
He then fell off the rails & got really depressed (he was on tablets for this for years) and ended up getting help from the council putting him in a B&B.
2-3 years ago his life all turned around, he found a lovely girl (they had known each other for years) and last year I was the best man at their wedding.
I was so pleased for him to finally be on an upward trajectory.
Its now all gone wrong. He started lying to his wife about his drinking.
When caught he was verbally abusive to her.
She went out one night when he was in "recovery" and I went round to "babysit" him, he had hidden booze somewhere and got off his face throughout the night. Started denying drinking but it was obvious then admitted to having 3 beers. It was clearly spirits.
Since then they have been away on holiday.
Then last week the wife posted on facebook and tagged him in a post stating she is living in hell and he is an alcoholic.
He has been stealing off her to get booze.
His family has basically told her "he's your problem now" and have been f
k all use - his dads an recovering alcoholic (been clean for years).He is now living in a caravan on his wife's property. Last night he "broke in" to the house (her view but clearly not necessarily legal). Presumably to find booze, money or something to sell.
She now wants him gone.
He has nowhere to go. I offered him the other day to stay with me for a while but if i'm honest (& selfish) i'm worried he will accept and start taking stuff based on his wifes experience.
He refuses to talk to anyone - me included.
Anyway - reason for war and peace; I don't know where to go with this, he really needs professional help. He has attempted suicide before and I cant believe he is far off again and he is one of the nicest people when sober (even when drunk he has always been nice to me).
Is this the sort of thing that can get someone sectioned? Or in a residential alcohol recovery facility? I really dont have a clue what to do for the best he just seems to be on self destruct.
I'd not want to help if he is stealing things but if he is a friend then get rid of anything from your home that can be stolen. He is probably finding it tough to go through withdrawal - he needs counselling, tablets like any abuse from a doctor and something to stop the withdrawals. Try and be there for him. Could he even try alcohol free beer for a time?
Its hard to know what to do, my mate is the same, but unless they want to be helped you cant really. My friend is always constantly drink but he has been that way for years but holds it together at work etc and people don't realise he's drunk.
It sounds like you and your mate are having a rough old time, OP. And it's not going to get easier I suspect.
Your mate is probably a functioning alcoholic. And until he admits it to himself, there's not much that you or anyone else can do.
Except one thing: the only thing your mate has going for him is that he's got a wise and reliable friend. Sit him down, tell him you care about him and that you'll always be his mate. And tell him he is an alcoholic and needs help.
He'll deny it and probably be pissed off. But if you are consistently kind, patient and all that, one day he may see things the way they are and you can help him get the help he needs. But it could take years.
And if he doesn't, and it all goes ratst, then at least you will have done your best, which will help.
One other thing - decide in advance how you want to play it: always be prepared to give him a fiver if he needs a drink, or never collude with him in his drinking. Both are perfectly reasonable approaches, but you have to be consistent.
Good luck, OP.
Your mate is probably a functioning alcoholic. And until he admits it to himself, there's not much that you or anyone else can do.
Except one thing: the only thing your mate has going for him is that he's got a wise and reliable friend. Sit him down, tell him you care about him and that you'll always be his mate. And tell him he is an alcoholic and needs help.
He'll deny it and probably be pissed off. But if you are consistently kind, patient and all that, one day he may see things the way they are and you can help him get the help he needs. But it could take years.
And if he doesn't, and it all goes rats
t, then at least you will have done your best, which will help.One other thing - decide in advance how you want to play it: always be prepared to give him a fiver if he needs a drink, or never collude with him in his drinking. Both are perfectly reasonable approaches, but you have to be consistent.
Good luck, OP.
Thanks all for your responses.
Regarding "functional alcoholic" & only drinking in the evening - that is how he has been in reality but its no life for either him or his wife and clearly its not containable.
He seems to be hunting out excuses and sympathy, people have been offering help and messaging him but then he tells his wife that no-one has even bothered to message him.
She is going to the Dr's again tomorrow - not sure with him or alone (suspect alone).
Ive messaged him again telling him how much I care and how important he is.
If he lives with me I think i'll play it straight with him and ask if he is capable of surviving without booze, if he isnt then I will supply for the short term whilst he gets help. I cant be an enabler long term. Even writing this im not sure its the right thing to do. Think i'll call the alcohol abuse careline to get their take on it.
I cant be the long term solution for him, I hope if he goes and gets help he can patch up with his wife. The longer the mistrust and hurt goes on the worse its going to get.
Thanks again guys.
Regarding "functional alcoholic" & only drinking in the evening - that is how he has been in reality but its no life for either him or his wife and clearly its not containable.
He seems to be hunting out excuses and sympathy, people have been offering help and messaging him but then he tells his wife that no-one has even bothered to message him.
She is going to the Dr's again tomorrow - not sure with him or alone (suspect alone).
Ive messaged him again telling him how much I care and how important he is.
If he lives with me I think i'll play it straight with him and ask if he is capable of surviving without booze, if he isnt then I will supply for the short term whilst he gets help. I cant be an enabler long term. Even writing this im not sure its the right thing to do. Think i'll call the alcohol abuse careline to get their take on it.
I cant be the long term solution for him, I hope if he goes and gets help he can patch up with his wife. The longer the mistrust and hurt goes on the worse its going to get.
Thanks again guys.
Your friend has to want to do something about his illness. For him not to be alcohol dependent he has to want this outcome and be prepared work with support from professionals to achieve this outcome. At this stage his wife and friends will have little or no impact on changing his dependency. By all means support him to contact then attend an appointment with a suitable alcohol service, however he has to want to make a change, he needs professional support to make these changes and to sustain them. Do you feel his is ready for this, from what you have said he doesn't sound like he has any reason or need to make this commitment just yet. Good luck
Just please don't make/get him to go cold turkey without seeking proper medical advice.
Alcohol withdrawal can give you seizures, a life long irreversible dementia with permanent loss of short term memory and sometimes kill you. This can all be prevented with medication. It is not to be messed with...
Alcohol withdrawal can give you seizures, a life long irreversible dementia with permanent loss of short term memory and sometimes kill you. This can all be prevented with medication. It is not to be messed with...
Thanks- I agree about him needing to decide to do it. He seems to take the path of least resistance at the moment, saying what people want to hear but doing what he wants. Eventually people get fed up with being lied to though and you get isolated.
He responded to my message today and said "It meant a lot and he never wanted to become this guy & that he will beat this". However I have heard this before. Will see what he is actually going to do.
Won't get him to go cold turkey. My friends mum did this by herself and ended up critical in hospital. He needs professional help as you say.
Cheers.
He responded to my message today and said "It meant a lot and he never wanted to become this guy & that he will beat this". However I have heard this before. Will see what he is actually going to do.
Won't get him to go cold turkey. My friends mum did this by herself and ended up critical in hospital. He needs professional help as you say.
Cheers.
Digger said:
What is he drinking and what quantities? Is he otherwise fit and healthy? Does he exercise regularly?
Previously lager every night 5-6 cans usually but sometimes more. Recently an unknown quantity of spirits. Enough to make him incomprehensible. Physical work - fits log burners & dog walking. I have a number of friends who drink more than is good for them. Most are functioning alcoholics who get falling down drunk at weekends and despite this lifestyle do function and hold good jobs where this behaviour is not apparent.
Over the years some have gone down the route described by the OP in this forum. Regrettably IME, once the thieving and deceit of loved ones starts all hope is lost. The wife would be better out of it. The OP should also be aware that from this point on there is very little chance of the drinking stopping,
Some individuals cannot cope with life. Most of us have experienced problems in life and somehow recovered our equilibrium. It is unpalatable, but there are some sad cases where for whatever reason, this does not happen. I would like there to be a solution but I doubt it personally. Up to the OP to whom I wish good luck with this very difficult matter.
Over the years some have gone down the route described by the OP in this forum. Regrettably IME, once the thieving and deceit of loved ones starts all hope is lost. The wife would be better out of it. The OP should also be aware that from this point on there is very little chance of the drinking stopping,
Some individuals cannot cope with life. Most of us have experienced problems in life and somehow recovered our equilibrium. It is unpalatable, but there are some sad cases where for whatever reason, this does not happen. I would like there to be a solution but I doubt it personally. Up to the OP to whom I wish good luck with this very difficult matter.
Thanks all. His wife has now sent him on his way yesterday with their caravan and a car. I have messaged him and asked him if he has gone to his Dad's (hopefully) or is somewhere else safe. I've also offered him a phone on contract so that he will never need to worry about credit or keeping in contact.
iwantagta said:
Thanks all. His wife has now sent him on his way yesterday with their caravan and a car. I have messaged him and asked him if he has gone to his Dad's (hopefully) or is somewhere else safe. I've also offered him a phone on contract so that he will never need to worry about credit or keeping in contact.
I admire your efforts on his families behalf. Once an individual, for whatever reason, loses rationality, which this level of drinking clearly indicates, there is little that anyone can do. The recovery process must start with the individual. Best of luck but unless the subject of this thread begins the recovery himself, there will be no recovery. Such problems can only be resolved from within.Steffan said:
The OP should also be aware that from this point on there is very little chance of the drinking stopping
Sadly, I must concur with this.I have lost one friend to alcohol and know two others who's lives are irreversibly screwed. Nothing have or will enable them to listen to reason.
The chap who did our extension is the only reformed alcoholic I know of. He said that what changed for him was hitting beyond rock bottom. He was living in Australia and was kicked out of the house by his wife and he remembers waking up in park with some tramps and just thought; "there's no f
king way I'm a tramp". He's been off it for 20 years.StevieBee said:
Steffan said:
The OP should also be aware that from this point on there is very little chance of the drinking stopping
Sadly, I must concur with this.I have lost one friend to alcohol and know two others who's lives are irreversibly screwed. Nothing have or will enable them to listen to reason.
The chap who did our extension is the only reformed alcoholic I know of. He said that what changed for him was hitting beyond rock bottom. He was living in Australia and was kicked out of the house by his wife and he remembers waking up in park with some tramps and just thought; "there's no f
king way I'm a tramp". He's been off it for 20 years.
No i'm aware the likelihood is this doesn't end up with a happy ending, i'm trying to think the best and hope, like his dad, that he can beat this but all too aware of the percentages.
As a recovering alcoholic(24 years) my Dad, says that he will have to hit rock bottom & decide himself to stop the alcohol, until then you are probably wasting your time. He recently buried a mate of 14 years who had never been able to say no for very long - horrible death of a supremely talented craftsman.
The prognosis isn't very good to be honest most will die prematurely, personally I'd never buy him drink; feed him & clothe him yes, but never alcohol. The hard thing is the fact that some help you give will facilitate the alcoholism, he will push the boundaries, don't make it easier for him to continue with the alcohol than to be sober.
Good luck, people can go into recovery, alcoholics anon works for my dad, meeting almost every night for him, not something I could do. With my family history I still enjoy a pint or three at times, but rarely on a work night and never when stressed or being put under pressure, not willing to risk it.
The prognosis isn't very good to be honest most will die prematurely, personally I'd never buy him drink; feed him & clothe him yes, but never alcohol. The hard thing is the fact that some help you give will facilitate the alcoholism, he will push the boundaries, don't make it easier for him to continue with the alcohol than to be sober.
Good luck, people can go into recovery, alcoholics anon works for my dad, meeting almost every night for him, not something I could do. With my family history I still enjoy a pint or three at times, but rarely on a work night and never when stressed or being put under pressure, not willing to risk it.
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