My fiancé isn't interested in sex any more.
Discussion
It's worth talking to her about this before you get hitched. And by talking, I mean listening to her, if I'm being honest. Sounds like most of your relationship may have been focused on the practicalities of the impending/new baby and you haven't had much time to really get to know her.
It's probably one or more of the following:
1) She has a low sex drive - 6 times in total spread over 2 years indicates that there was never any heyday of daily sex - it sounds more like it started as it has gone on - this may be physical or emotional in origin, or both
2) Pregnancy and baby have put her off of it whether due to hormones, tiredness or emotional/physchological reasons
3) She isn't particularly into you, for whatever reason, or she's angry with you in a passive agressive way, but wants the stability of marriage to bring up baby so just keeps on as if everything is fine and normal
4) She has a different rhythm to you (e.g. night person rather than morning) or different tastes, but hasn't expressed that to you (many people seem to think you should just know this stuff)
5) She possibly needs more warm up than you offer her. Sometimes for some women the whole experience includes the romance first, and they can't just do a cold start.
What the reason is (or reasons are) may have some bearing on what you can do together to improve the relationship, if anything.
I also want to reinforce the fact that many people, women, but also men, seem to think that if you love someone, you ought to just know what they want. They may feel that they can't just come out and say what they want, in bed or just in daily life, and end up angry and resentful because their expectations are constantly dashed because of it. It may take a bit of gentle persuasion to get to the stage where you can have a frank discussion about the relatonship - just be prepared to listen and hear stuff you might not want to hear (and which might not be strictly true) about your behaviour.
It's probably one or more of the following:
1) She has a low sex drive - 6 times in total spread over 2 years indicates that there was never any heyday of daily sex - it sounds more like it started as it has gone on - this may be physical or emotional in origin, or both
2) Pregnancy and baby have put her off of it whether due to hormones, tiredness or emotional/physchological reasons
3) She isn't particularly into you, for whatever reason, or she's angry with you in a passive agressive way, but wants the stability of marriage to bring up baby so just keeps on as if everything is fine and normal
4) She has a different rhythm to you (e.g. night person rather than morning) or different tastes, but hasn't expressed that to you (many people seem to think you should just know this stuff)
5) She possibly needs more warm up than you offer her. Sometimes for some women the whole experience includes the romance first, and they can't just do a cold start.
What the reason is (or reasons are) may have some bearing on what you can do together to improve the relationship, if anything.
I also want to reinforce the fact that many people, women, but also men, seem to think that if you love someone, you ought to just know what they want. They may feel that they can't just come out and say what they want, in bed or just in daily life, and end up angry and resentful because their expectations are constantly dashed because of it. It may take a bit of gentle persuasion to get to the stage where you can have a frank discussion about the relatonship - just be prepared to listen and hear stuff you might not want to hear (and which might not be strictly true) about your behaviour.
Edited by oldbanger on Sunday 10th August 23:24
t like that
Best answer so far, Sounds like OP is a purvy rampant male who cannot control his sexual urges
Hmm, tough one this, You have a child to think about. Men are largely selfish creatures who prioritise their own needs over others.
However, the situation you describe isn't healthy and will lead you into bitterness quite quickly.
I suspect Sam knows exactly the score and the effect it is having on you, but won't confront her real feelings on the subject, it is easy to say no now, and again tomorrow night. But really if deep down she doesn't love you, but needs you as the father then it isn't being honest or fair to you.
You need to talk to her, properly. Tell her you are having cold feet about the wedding and why.
The pessimist in me says she trapped you by getting preganant as when you met she was begging to worry that she would never have one. You were seen as her meal ticket and will remain on the hook until the child is 18.
The realist in me says she thought it was for the best to get married when she accidently feel pregnant on your first encounter.
The optimist says she really wanted to be with you but is sufferind post natal depression and/or has other issues surrounding intimacy.
Two questions. Do you think its wise to get married in any of the above circumstances? Do you think you need to establish which it is and act appropriately?
The realist in me says she thought it was for the best to get married when she accidently feel pregnant on your first encounter.
The optimist says she really wanted to be with you but is sufferind post natal depression and/or has other issues surrounding intimacy.
Two questions. Do you think its wise to get married in any of the above circumstances? Do you think you need to establish which it is and act appropriately?
Did you not use protection on that 4th date?
Did she say she was on the pill?
Did you just get carried away??
I think it's highly unlikely you're the father of the child and that you're being played for a mug.
You have just two things to do for now:
1. Insist on a paternity test.
2. Cancel any wedding plans.
The second of these might come automatically with the first.
Whatever the outcome of the paternity test, you'd be well advised to get out of the relationship straight away, but do accept responsibility for this child should it be yours.
Good luck, you sound a decent, nice kind of guy that many women would love to have as a partner, so just go and find yourself one.
Did she say she was on the pill?
Did you just get carried away??
I think it's highly unlikely you're the father of the child and that you're being played for a mug.
You have just two things to do for now:
1. Insist on a paternity test.
2. Cancel any wedding plans.
The second of these might come automatically with the first.
Whatever the outcome of the paternity test, you'd be well advised to get out of the relationship straight away, but do accept responsibility for this child should it be yours.
Good luck, you sound a decent, nice kind of guy that many women would love to have as a partner, so just go and find yourself one.
Mark Gruffalo said:
We went out on 3 or 4 dates (spread out over a few weeks due to working shifts) and probably around the 4th date we slept with each other. The result of us sleeping together for the first time was Sam became pregnant! We had a discussion and decided we were both grown up enough to be parents (27 and 29 years old), so that was that. We were having a baby after knowing each other for around 6 weeks!
Hold on...what?? "Grown up enough" to have kids. You didn't even know each other, sorry but no sympathy, awful decision making got you here.Seems to me either, she wanted a kid at what ever cost, and is hoping that you will get bored, split and she will be left with what she wants.
Or she feels like its all gone horribly wrong, and by that I mean kid too early, and she feels trapped and instead of talking through her feelings she is resenting you as you seem to have settled into the 'parent' thing better than she has. . .
I personally cannot see why the pair of you are even thinking marriage at this point.
wish you well with sorting it out. . .but it wont go away until you/she face each other
Or she feels like its all gone horribly wrong, and by that I mean kid too early, and she feels trapped and instead of talking through her feelings she is resenting you as you seem to have settled into the 'parent' thing better than she has. . .
I personally cannot see why the pair of you are even thinking marriage at this point.
wish you well with sorting it out. . .but it wont go away until you/she face each other
OP, plenty of couples have highly disrupted sex lives in the first year of birth. Hormones (esp if breastfeeding) are one issue for women, as is exhaustion, as is fear of waking the (finally) sleeping baby, etc. I don't think it is that uncommon.
That said it looks like you have a bunch of communication issues and you were very "unlucky" for her to get pregnant quite so quickly...
That said it looks like you have a bunch of communication issues and you were very "unlucky" for her to get pregnant quite so quickly...
GregK2 said:
Mark Gruffalo said:
We went out on 3 or 4 dates (spread out over a few weeks due to working shifts) and probably around the 4th date we slept with each other. The result of us sleeping together for the first time was Sam became pregnant! We had a discussion and decided we were both grown up enough to be parents (27 and 29 years old), so that was that. We were having a baby after knowing each other for around 6 weeks!
Hold on...what?? "Grown up enough" to have kids. You didn't even know each other, sorry but no sympathy, awful decision making got you here.I'm sorry but shacking up with a girl who you've got pregnant after 6 weeks/4 dates and marrying her is not a "grown up" decision.
You probably don't have sex because you don't know each other.
Hell, she might not even like you. She hardly knows you.
I don't expect she's seeing someone else, or the child has another father. What I do suspect is that she's possibly only with you because of said child and therefore doesn't want to be intimate.
You will only resolve this by having a very honest and upfront conversation with her.
Isn't this why prostitutes were invented? (half serious, half bad taste joke).
I know they were only seeing each other for a very short time, but you don't go on 4 dates with someone if there's no spark at all? And then sleep together. Everyone has a different sex drives, and it often seems that women just want less of it than men. Maybe she's just a 'once every quarter' type of girl?
You'll only make things worse by regularly trying to initiate something. Next time she makes an excuse, just tell her that you'll wait for her to start things off in future. You'll likely get the same amount of sex, just without all the frustration of constant rejection.
I'm in a very similar situation, but we were together for a lot longer before having kids. Now I can count the number of times we have sex in a year on one hand. I gave up trying for it ages ago - the only time shes interested is when she's blind drunk, and I normally just go along with it because 1) it's better than nothing at all (only just), and 2) she won't take no for an answer, unless she passes out first.
A Mans idea of perfect sex life - get into bed together, bump uglies, roll over and go to sleep. Repeat most nights.
A Womans idea of perfect sex life - get wined and dined, cuddled and massaged whilst watching Eastenders/Friends/other pointless crap, carried to the bed room, given multiple orgasms, return the favour by letting him have a quick poke with his pork sword, and then cuddled to sleep. Repeat once a month or so.
I know they were only seeing each other for a very short time, but you don't go on 4 dates with someone if there's no spark at all? And then sleep together. Everyone has a different sex drives, and it often seems that women just want less of it than men. Maybe she's just a 'once every quarter' type of girl?
You'll only make things worse by regularly trying to initiate something. Next time she makes an excuse, just tell her that you'll wait for her to start things off in future. You'll likely get the same amount of sex, just without all the frustration of constant rejection.
I'm in a very similar situation, but we were together for a lot longer before having kids. Now I can count the number of times we have sex in a year on one hand. I gave up trying for it ages ago - the only time shes interested is when she's blind drunk, and I normally just go along with it because 1) it's better than nothing at all (only just), and 2) she won't take no for an answer, unless she passes out first.
A Mans idea of perfect sex life - get into bed together, bump uglies, roll over and go to sleep. Repeat most nights.
A Womans idea of perfect sex life - get wined and dined, cuddled and massaged whilst watching Eastenders/Friends/other pointless crap, carried to the bed room, given multiple orgasms, return the favour by letting him have a quick poke with his pork sword, and then cuddled to sleep. Repeat once a month or so.
Feel for you mate,,,,,,,,,,,,
You need to make some time for serious talk, as hard and as painful as it will be, it needs to be done for all your sakes.
Top of the agenda, with no beating about the bush, you need to confirm the kiddie is your flesh and blood, and why she doesn't want to get get sexed by you anymore.
As for the kiddie, depending on the result, really dictates your next move.
But for now, the DNA is a must, getting preggers after a few rolls in the sack, is damn good going, a little too "good going" if you ask me.
Then you need to ask her quite firmly if she loves you, if she honestly loves you, or is just going through the motions.
Ask her are you doing any thing wrong, that turns her off ?
No need to write here what you have to do if the kiddie is yours, as you have the remainder of 18 years to work that out.
Good luck.
You need to make some time for serious talk, as hard and as painful as it will be, it needs to be done for all your sakes.
Top of the agenda, with no beating about the bush, you need to confirm the kiddie is your flesh and blood, and why she doesn't want to get get sexed by you anymore.
As for the kiddie, depending on the result, really dictates your next move.
But for now, the DNA is a must, getting preggers after a few rolls in the sack, is damn good going, a little too "good going" if you ask me.
Then you need to ask her quite firmly if she loves you, if she honestly loves you, or is just going through the motions.
Ask her are you doing any thing wrong, that turns her off ?
No need to write here what you have to do if the kiddie is yours, as you have the remainder of 18 years to work that out.
Good luck.
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