My fiancé isn't interested in sex any more.
Discussion
mjb1 said:
A Mans idea of perfect sex life - get into bed together, bump uglies, roll over and go to sleep. Repeat most nights.
A Womans idea of perfect sex life - get wined and dined, cuddled and massaged whilst watching Eastenders/Friends/other pointless crap, carried to the bed room, given multiple orgasms, return the favour by letting him have a quick poke with his pork sword, and then cuddled to sleep. Repeat once a month or so.
^^^^^ This attitude might be part of the problemA Womans idea of perfect sex life - get wined and dined, cuddled and massaged whilst watching Eastenders/Friends/other pointless crap, carried to the bed room, given multiple orgasms, return the favour by letting him have a quick poke with his pork sword, and then cuddled to sleep. Repeat once a month or so.
For the bin pronto. Sorry to be brutal but if she is not putting out then what is the point in keeping a 'relationship' going. She has issues which you'll never sort pre or post marriage. Get a DNA test as others have said. F
this s.
Please don't evade the swear filter it's there for a reason.
this s.Please don't evade the swear filter it's there for a reason.
Edited by Big Al. on Monday 11th August 20:01
Mate I managed 4 years with my wife with no sex before we split and it has royally mentally feked me.
Get it sorted or get out now.
We were together a long time and have 3 kids hence why I didn't bail immediately and thought it could be worked out but in hindsight I wish I had.
Good luck.
Get it sorted or get out now.
We were together a long time and have 3 kids hence why I didn't bail immediately and thought it could be worked out but in hindsight I wish I had.
Good luck.
Bloody hell - standard PH bks advice. You have a kid together and have a lot to work for. It's not you she's not attracted to, it's herself. She meets a guy she likes enough to have a baby with, and then suddenly her body changed beyond comprehension and she probably doesn't even recognize herself. Go away for a couples weekend, make her feel sexy, wanted and special and see what happens.
ks advice. You have a kid together and have a lot to work for. It's not you she's not attracted to, it's herself. She meets a guy she likes enough to have a baby with, and then suddenly her body changed beyond comprehension and she probably doesn't even recognize herself. Go away for a couples weekend, make her feel sexy, wanted and special and see what happens. Petrus1983 said:
Bloody hell - standard PH bks advice. You have a kid together and have a lot to work for. It's not you she's not attracted to, it's herself. She meets a guy she likes enough to have a baby with, and then suddenly her body changed beyond comprehension and she probably doesn't even recognize herself. Go away for a couples weekend, make her feel sexy, wanted and special and see what happens.
You and your wife had a baby and then stopped having sex - this is what she told you didnt she ks advice. You have a kid together and have a lot to work for. It's not you she's not attracted to, it's herself. She meets a guy she likes enough to have a baby with, and then suddenly her body changed beyond comprehension and she probably doesn't even recognize herself. Go away for a couples weekend, make her feel sexy, wanted and special and see what happens. 
Hi,
I split with my partner of 14 years, last year.
As mentioned in this section before she was, and is, suffering from rapid cycling bipolar. After a few years of this I was pretty drained and so I left her and went off travelling for a few months.
I would say though that one of the main reasons I left was the lack of sex. This was not a new problem - we had discussed it on and off for about a decade. In fact the first time we sought any professional help was not to do with her depression but with regard to her lack of sex drive.
She enjoyed sex and always commented after; why don't we do this more often? It was always on her terms though, we rarely had sex when I wanted it but always had sex when she did... I would always grab the opportunity.
We were in a situation where it was classed as a 'sexless marriage' i.e. less than 6/10 times a year. In contrast with previous partners, for me, it was usually 2/3 times a week.
We have no children by the way.
I began to realise though that she would trot out the sames excuses though - my stomach is upset, I've drunk too much etc. etc. I pointed out this was happening and she had not realised this was the case and began to seek some help - hence the counselling mentioned above.
It continued to be an issue though to the point that:
- I became very angry in general
- I began resenting her
- If she dressed up nicely for us to go out I was gripped with an anger that I would not be able to make love to this lovely woman and would be rebuffed
- Porn became my default and I was watching way to much and, to be honest, looking at stuff that disgusted me even at the time, leading to feelings of self loathing
- I started looking at my female friends in a different light, maybe getting too close to some of them
- When she did initiate sex I was sometimes so upset that I rebuffed her
We did talk about it as an issue and I can tell you that I have reads tons on this subject and tried everything under the sun. The anger that came from not being able to be intimate with my lovely partner is hard to describe but I recognise now that it was always there bubbling under the surface. Situations where perhaps I should have turned the other cheek escalated into full on confrontations...lads taking the mickey a bit in the street led to fist fights etc. I was just a very angry person!
In the end with everything else - including her bi-polar - it was all getting too much., I wrote her a letter explaining in how I felt and how I would work with her to do absolutely anything to fix this issue. She never responded. I asked her again to talk to her GP but she said that she was too embarrassed.
So, we split.
I now have a new girlfriend (a fair bit younger than me, I'm 46 by the way) and all is good. The anger has totally evaporated and I have pretty much given up the porn. I feel like a new man and am back to my old self.
I guess in summary - my advice to the OP is don't let this drag on because if sex, and the closeness it brings to another human being, is important to you then this will eat away at you. Tackle it together, try your best to be the person that your partner wants to intimate with but if she won't or can't change then walk away.
I split with my partner of 14 years, last year.
As mentioned in this section before she was, and is, suffering from rapid cycling bipolar. After a few years of this I was pretty drained and so I left her and went off travelling for a few months.
I would say though that one of the main reasons I left was the lack of sex. This was not a new problem - we had discussed it on and off for about a decade. In fact the first time we sought any professional help was not to do with her depression but with regard to her lack of sex drive.
She enjoyed sex and always commented after; why don't we do this more often? It was always on her terms though, we rarely had sex when I wanted it but always had sex when she did... I would always grab the opportunity.
We were in a situation where it was classed as a 'sexless marriage' i.e. less than 6/10 times a year. In contrast with previous partners, for me, it was usually 2/3 times a week.
We have no children by the way.
I began to realise though that she would trot out the sames excuses though - my stomach is upset, I've drunk too much etc. etc. I pointed out this was happening and she had not realised this was the case and began to seek some help - hence the counselling mentioned above.
It continued to be an issue though to the point that:
- I became very angry in general
- I began resenting her
- If she dressed up nicely for us to go out I was gripped with an anger that I would not be able to make love to this lovely woman and would be rebuffed
- Porn became my default and I was watching way to much and, to be honest, looking at stuff that disgusted me even at the time, leading to feelings of self loathing
- I started looking at my female friends in a different light, maybe getting too close to some of them
- When she did initiate sex I was sometimes so upset that I rebuffed her
We did talk about it as an issue and I can tell you that I have reads tons on this subject and tried everything under the sun. The anger that came from not being able to be intimate with my lovely partner is hard to describe but I recognise now that it was always there bubbling under the surface. Situations where perhaps I should have turned the other cheek escalated into full on confrontations...lads taking the mickey a bit in the street led to fist fights etc. I was just a very angry person!
In the end with everything else - including her bi-polar - it was all getting too much., I wrote her a letter explaining in how I felt and how I would work with her to do absolutely anything to fix this issue. She never responded. I asked her again to talk to her GP but she said that she was too embarrassed.
So, we split.
I now have a new girlfriend (a fair bit younger than me, I'm 46 by the way) and all is good. The anger has totally evaporated and I have pretty much given up the porn. I feel like a new man and am back to my old self.
I guess in summary - my advice to the OP is don't let this drag on because if sex, and the closeness it brings to another human being, is important to you then this will eat away at you. Tackle it together, try your best to be the person that your partner wants to intimate with but if she won't or can't change then walk away.
Edited by jdw100 on Wednesday 13th August 10:04
i can only but echo what has been said, you need to talk and listen to her
My current girlfriend was in a similar position to your fiance in previous relationships, and was made to feel like something was wrong with her and that put her off sex even more to the point where her ex started getting his "sex fix" elsewhere and blamed it all on her
Now i didn't know any of this when we first got together, but after about 6 months started to realise something was not right as you could feel the tension build up on just mentioning sex (or lack of)
Tried talking to her and she would just clam up and divert to conversation
so i tried not to push the subject and just spent time with her , no strings attached and after about another 6 months she finally started to talk about what happened before.
And with that knowledge it made sense on why she was reacting the way she was
anyway fast forward 3 years and lots of opening up and understanding from both sides, we now have two kids and still have a pretty healthy sex life
The moral of this story that i take away from this is that you NEED to talk and nothing will happen overnight, it will take time
As for marriage, unless your both happy with the current situation, i wouldnt even contemplate it
My current girlfriend was in a similar position to your fiance in previous relationships, and was made to feel like something was wrong with her and that put her off sex even more to the point where her ex started getting his "sex fix" elsewhere and blamed it all on her
Now i didn't know any of this when we first got together, but after about 6 months started to realise something was not right as you could feel the tension build up on just mentioning sex (or lack of)
Tried talking to her and she would just clam up and divert to conversation
so i tried not to push the subject and just spent time with her , no strings attached and after about another 6 months she finally started to talk about what happened before.
And with that knowledge it made sense on why she was reacting the way she was
anyway fast forward 3 years and lots of opening up and understanding from both sides, we now have two kids and still have a pretty healthy sex life
The moral of this story that i take away from this is that you NEED to talk and nothing will happen overnight, it will take time
As for marriage, unless your both happy with the current situation, i wouldnt even contemplate it
trackdemon said:
mjb1 said:
A Mans idea of perfect sex life - get into bed together, bump uglies, roll over and go to sleep. Repeat most nights.
A Womans idea of perfect sex life - get wined and dined, cuddled and massaged whilst watching Eastenders/Friends/other pointless crap, carried to the bed room, given multiple orgasms, return the favour by letting him have a quick poke with his pork sword, and then cuddled to sleep. Repeat once a month or so.
^^^^^ This attitude might be part of the problemA Womans idea of perfect sex life - get wined and dined, cuddled and massaged whilst watching Eastenders/Friends/other pointless crap, carried to the bed room, given multiple orgasms, return the favour by letting him have a quick poke with his pork sword, and then cuddled to sleep. Repeat once a month or so.
Yep. It's totally as simple as that. TOTALLY. That's all you ever need to know about men, women, and sex.
(facepalm)
But seriously, OP, your situation is worrying. There are many reasons why humans lose their desire for sex, and most of them (contrary to what you might think) are NOT about whether or not they fancy the person.
If you do love her, and she loves you, and you want to make this work - I'd suggest going to see a couples therapist, specialising in sex therapy. Quite often the issues are far less major and far easier to resolve than you might think.
In any case, I think what you really need to do is talk about it, in a serious way.
FWDRacer said:
Not getting it with you?
Getting it elsewhere. It isn't just men that have basic carnal needs.
Of course! Women are not individuals, and they all follow exactly the same rules. If she isn't shagging you, she must be shagging someone else. It isn't possible that she isn't interested in sex at all. Getting it elsewhere. It isn't just men that have basic carnal needs.
Such a helpful insight.
TwigtheWonderkid said:
FWDRacer said:
Not getting it with you?
Getting it elsewhere. It isn't just men that have basic carnal needs.
Of course! Women are not individuals, and they all follow exactly the same rules. If she isn't shagging you, she must be shagging someone else. It isn't possible that she isn't interested in sex at all. Getting it elsewhere. It isn't just men that have basic carnal needs.
Such a helpful insight.
And a new mother with a baby is absolutely up for it all the time - as having a child, being exhausted, suffering from physical changes and hormonal shifts is definitely in the same frame of mind as a man who has been through none of these things.
FFS.
Communication is definitely missing though...
She finds it acceptable to rebuff and "get away" with not being intimate at the obvious detriment to your feelings and natural desire to be amorous with your partner.
You're not asking to shag her brains out 5 nights a week, but naturally you want a fair frequency as most people would.
Have you pointed out to her that in constantly rebuffing your normal advances she is affecting your confidence in her desire to be with you and the whole relationship?
It's incredible how many relationships are too one-sided in one way or another. So many people are simply lead by the other party (I'm not suggesting you are) that they lose their own identity. I speak with experience of that in my own family.
You're not asking to shag her brains out 5 nights a week, but naturally you want a fair frequency as most people would.
Have you pointed out to her that in constantly rebuffing your normal advances she is affecting your confidence in her desire to be with you and the whole relationship?
It's incredible how many relationships are too one-sided in one way or another. So many people are simply lead by the other party (I'm not suggesting you are) that they lose their own identity. I speak with experience of that in my own family.
Petrus1983 said:
Bloody hell - standard PH bks advice. You have a kid together and have a lot to work for. It's not you she's not attracted to, it's herself. She meets a guy she likes enough to have a baby with, and then suddenly her body changed beyond comprehension and she probably doesn't even recognize herself. Go away for a couples weekend, make her feel sexy, wanted and special and see what happens.
Ignore this. Your too young to be in a relationship with someone who is acting like they are 50 and on the menopause. ks advice. You have a kid together and have a lot to work for. It's not you she's not attracted to, it's herself. She meets a guy she likes enough to have a baby with, and then suddenly her body changed beyond comprehension and she probably doesn't even recognize herself. Go away for a couples weekend, make her feel sexy, wanted and special and see what happens. Your not even married yet and she's refusing. Not the life I would want.
Pommygranite said:
Petrus1983 said:
Bloody hell - standard PH bks advice. You have a kid together and have a lot to work for. It's not you she's not attracted to, it's herself. She meets a guy she likes enough to have a baby with, and then suddenly her body changed beyond comprehension and she probably doesn't even recognize herself. Go away for a couples weekend, make her feel sexy, wanted and special and see what happens.
You and your wife had a baby and then stopped having sex - this is what she told you didnt she ks advice. You have a kid together and have a lot to work for. It's not you she's not attracted to, it's herself. She meets a guy she likes enough to have a baby with, and then suddenly her body changed beyond comprehension and she probably doesn't even recognize herself. Go away for a couples weekend, make her feel sexy, wanted and special and see what happens. Edited by Petrus1983 on Thursday 14th August 01:56
Petrus1983 said:
Pommygranite said:
Petrus1983 said:
Bloody hell - standard PH bks advice. You have a kid together and have a lot to work for. It's not you she's not attracted to, it's herself. She meets a guy she likes enough to have a baby with, and then suddenly her body changed beyond comprehension and she probably doesn't even recognize herself. Go away for a couples weekend, make her feel sexy, wanted and special and see what happens.
You and your wife had a baby and then stopped having sex - this is what she told you didnt she ks advice. You have a kid together and have a lot to work for. It's not you she's not attracted to, it's herself. She meets a guy she likes enough to have a baby with, and then suddenly her body changed beyond comprehension and she probably doesn't even recognize herself. Go away for a couples weekend, make her feel sexy, wanted and special and see what happens. Edited by Petrus1983 on Thursday 14th August 01:56
I agree, people dont talk about their feelings - unfortunately it does seem to be that all men must understand the female and make allowances but rarely does anyone consider the mens perspective - he shouldnt just sit down and treat her like a queen and pander to her, he should sit down and just say it straight how he feels - she might then explain herself.
Seeming as the OP is never going to reply, what's happened?
He's wking himself into oblivion?
His Mrs has found this thread?
He's an attention we?
If this is serious then there is a massive chance of the kid not even being yours, that might be why she couldn't care less about you and is getting banged elsewhere. You are just a babysitter that puts a roof over thier heads.
DNA as said might be your get out of jail free card. No brainer really.
He's w
king himself into oblivion?His Mrs has found this thread?
He's an attention w
e? If this is serious then there is a massive chance of the kid not even being yours, that might be why she couldn't care less about you and is getting banged elsewhere. You are just a babysitter that puts a roof over thier heads.
DNA as said might be your get out of jail free card. No brainer really.
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