My ex-husband is making our daughter depressed
Discussion
I've been divorced now for 14 years from a man whose whole life has revolved around his health, he's had blood tests, check ups the lot but they can't find anything wrong with him although I understand he suffers from depression but as we haven't spoken in 14 years I can't really help him in any way. The trouble is that he is now affecting our daughters health, they both live in the same part of the country which makes things worse. He constantly moans and groans to her about his health, which makes her not want to spend time with him, which in turn makes him worse. She is finding it increasingly difficult to deal with him and his demands on her. I want to help them both but seeing as he won't talk to me and they live quite far away it's very difficult. Daughter is 22 and is too now suffering from depression etc. They have never really seen eye to eye and at times he's not very nice to her at all. If anyone can offer any advice on what I can do I would be very grateful as the situation is becoming increasingly difficult. I feel desperately sorry for my ex but am unable to help him directly.
Thank you
Thank you
jonah35 said:
Perhaps you're looking for someone to blame. She doesn't live with him so im not sure how much he is contributing to her depression.
Not looking for anyone to blame, I'm just trying to help my daughter deal with her over bearing father. She feels she can't do right for doing wrong! and when she tries to speak to him about how he makes her feel, and how he upsets her, he just doesn't know how to respond. He won't get help for himself as he has difficulty talking to people. He's bullying her emotionally.Encourage your daughter to seek support via counselling to help her develop strategies to protect herself so she can separate his issues without her feeling guilty. Try not to take sides or try to fix this as its not for you to do. Be available to your daughter if she wants to talk. Ultimately she controls her own emotions, he cant make her feel anything, she does this herself.
Some quick mental arithmetic suggests you broke up with your ex when your daughter was around 6-8 years old. Your ex is probably compounding any feelings of guilt / self-blame which your daughter has suppressed for years.
She needs to get help with working through her issues in all areas of life and learn how to support your ex without being his crutch, and she needs to be able to express how she honestly feels to someone without fear of being judged. You are probably not that person, but hopefully you can point her in the right direction.
Apologies if a couple of glasses of wine have sent me down the wrong train of thought. If I'm wrong then ignore me and move on.
She needs to get help with working through her issues in all areas of life and learn how to support your ex without being his crutch, and she needs to be able to express how she honestly feels to someone without fear of being judged. You are probably not that person, but hopefully you can point her in the right direction.
Apologies if a couple of glasses of wine have sent me down the wrong train of thought. If I'm wrong then ignore me and move on.
oldcynic said:
Some quick mental arithmetic suggests you broke up with your ex when your daughter was around 6-8 years old. Your ex is probably compounding any feelings of guilt / self-blame which your daughter has suppressed for years.
She needs to get help with working through her issues in all areas of life and learn how to support your ex without being his crutch, and she needs to be able to express how she honestly feels to someone without fear of being judged. You are probably not that person, but hopefully you can point her in the right direction.
Apologies if a couple of glasses of wine have sent me down the wrong train of thought. If I'm wrong then ignore me and move on.
Yes you are right she was about that age. I have a son too but he was able to cope with his dad better, but dad didn't treat either of them very well in the early days after we split up. My daughter did have counselling just before she moved away and seemed to improve, but she moved and her dad followed. The ex always went to great lengths to tell anyone who would listen about how we split, and that was done in front of the kids which wasn't very good. I want to do my best to try and help herShe needs to get help with working through her issues in all areas of life and learn how to support your ex without being his crutch, and she needs to be able to express how she honestly feels to someone without fear of being judged. You are probably not that person, but hopefully you can point her in the right direction.
Apologies if a couple of glasses of wine have sent me down the wrong train of thought. If I'm wrong then ignore me and move on.
Okay first of all, as has been mentioned above, your Daughters depression doesn't just 'happen' to her. It is a result of her own thinking styles, and an external locus of control (her attribution to things).
Right now, it sounds like it would be fair to say that your Daughter thinks that she feels like the way she does, because her Father is 'doing this to her'. This, is incorrect, and needs to be adjusted to make this more internal for your Daughter. So as an example, if she thinks to herself "I feel so s
t today because my Dad is so depressed", she is going to make her self feel st also. Where as if she were to turn the statement around and say "I feel great that my Father feels he can talk to me about problems he is facing, and I am doing what I can to help", she is going to feel much more positive about the situation, and raise her own self esteem and reduce any symptoms of depression.
She (and her Father it sounds like), has set up a repeating habit of thinking about all of this in a very negative way. But that's all it is, a habit. Start letting your Daughter know how amazing she is for being able to help her Father, remind her everyday of her positive impact on your life, her Fathers life, and HER OWN LIFE.
Tell her she MUST reward herself for being so helpful. Remind her if she has told you she has a good day at work, ANYTHING at all that changes all those bad thinking habits into GREAT ones.
But most of all, encourage her to adopt these new thinking styles HERSELF. Once she gets used to turning these negative thoughts into positive ones, she'll develop new, and better habits.
Change your thoughts, and you change your world
(Norman Vincent Peale, author of The Power Of Positive Thinking).
Right now, it sounds like it would be fair to say that your Daughter thinks that she feels like the way she does, because her Father is 'doing this to her'. This, is incorrect, and needs to be adjusted to make this more internal for your Daughter. So as an example, if she thinks to herself "I feel so s
t today because my Dad is so depressed", she is going to make her self feel st also. Where as if she were to turn the statement around and say "I feel great that my Father feels he can talk to me about problems he is facing, and I am doing what I can to help", she is going to feel much more positive about the situation, and raise her own self esteem and reduce any symptoms of depression. She (and her Father it sounds like), has set up a repeating habit of thinking about all of this in a very negative way. But that's all it is, a habit. Start letting your Daughter know how amazing she is for being able to help her Father, remind her everyday of her positive impact on your life, her Fathers life, and HER OWN LIFE.
Tell her she MUST reward herself for being so helpful. Remind her if she has told you she has a good day at work, ANYTHING at all that changes all those bad thinking habits into GREAT ones.
But most of all, encourage her to adopt these new thinking styles HERSELF. Once she gets used to turning these negative thoughts into positive ones, she'll develop new, and better habits.
Change your thoughts, and you change your world
(Norman Vincent Peale, author of The Power Of Positive Thinking).
Hythan said:
Okay first of all, as has been mentioned above, your Daughters depression doesn't just 'happen' to her. It is a result of her own thinking styles, and an external locus of control (her attribution to things).
Right now, it sounds like it would be fair to say that your Daughter thinks that she feels like the way she does, because her Father is 'doing this to her'. This, is incorrect, and needs to be adjusted to make this more internal for your Daughter. So as an example, if she thinks to herself "I feel so st today because my Dad is so depressed", she is going to make her self feel st also. Where as if she were to turn the statement around and say "I feel great that my Father feels he can talk to me about problems he is facing, and I am doing what I can to help", she is going to feel much more positive about the situation, and raise her own self esteem and reduce any symptoms of depression.
She (and her Father it sounds like), has set up a repeating habit of thinking about all of this in a very negative way. But that's all it is, a habit. Start letting your Daughter know how amazing she is for being able to help her Father, remind her everyday of her positive impact on your life, her Fathers life, and HER OWN LIFE.
Tell her she MUST reward herself for being so helpful. Remind her if she has told you she has a good day at work, ANYTHING at all that changes all those bad thinking habits into GREAT ones.
But most of all, encourage her to adopt these new thinking styles HERSELF. Once she gets used to turning these negative thoughts into positive ones, she'll develop new, and better habits.
Change your thoughts, and you change your world
(Norman Vincent Peale, author of The Power Of Positive Thinking).
Thank you for this great post, I've passed what you've said on to my daughter and hopefully she takes it on board and looks at things in a different way. I will also remind her everyday what a great daughter and person she is and try and keep her positive. Thank you againRight now, it sounds like it would be fair to say that your Daughter thinks that she feels like the way she does, because her Father is 'doing this to her'. This, is incorrect, and needs to be adjusted to make this more internal for your Daughter. So as an example, if she thinks to herself "I feel so s
t today because my Dad is so depressed", she is going to make her self feel st also. Where as if she were to turn the statement around and say "I feel great that my Father feels he can talk to me about problems he is facing, and I am doing what I can to help", she is going to feel much more positive about the situation, and raise her own self esteem and reduce any symptoms of depression. She (and her Father it sounds like), has set up a repeating habit of thinking about all of this in a very negative way. But that's all it is, a habit. Start letting your Daughter know how amazing she is for being able to help her Father, remind her everyday of her positive impact on your life, her Fathers life, and HER OWN LIFE.
Tell her she MUST reward herself for being so helpful. Remind her if she has told you she has a good day at work, ANYTHING at all that changes all those bad thinking habits into GREAT ones.
But most of all, encourage her to adopt these new thinking styles HERSELF. Once she gets used to turning these negative thoughts into positive ones, she'll develop new, and better habits.
Change your thoughts, and you change your world
(Norman Vincent Peale, author of The Power Of Positive Thinking).
Edited by theinstaller on Friday 21st November 23:00
theinstaller said:
Thank you for this great post, I've passed what you've said on to my daughter and hopefully she takes it on board and looks at things in a different way. I will also remind her everyday what a great daughter and person she is and try and keep her positive. Thank you again
You're more than welcome, I wish you the very best.Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or concerns, what I have said above is a very basic outline of what you should try to do, I'm a qualified Hypnotherapist so would gladly help more if needed.
All the best
Hythan said:
Okay first of all, as has been mentioned above, your Daughters depression doesn't just 'happen' to her. It is a result of her own thinking styles, and an external locus of control (her attribution to things).
...
Subsequent posts on this thread add detail - but it is so SO right ...
; especially the second sentence, been there and laboured under it for so long 
.It's an incredibly difficult concept to 'suss', but once sussed (and this will present its own difficulties and doubts along the way
) it makes things so much easier to manage 
.OP, I wish your daughter - and yourself - all the best
.aw51 121565 said:
Subsequent posts on this thread add detail - but it is so SO right ; especially the second sentence, been there and laboured under it for so long .
It's an incredibly difficult concept to 'suss', but once sussed (and this will present its own difficulties and doubts along the way ) it makes things so much easier to manage .
OP, I wish your daughter - and yourself - all the best .
Thank you, in roads have been made already and I can hear in her voice that she is more positive, and she hasn't argued with her dad since I mentioned how she can turn things around. So we have made some small steps which I'm really pleased about. ; especially the second sentence, been there and laboured under it for so long .It's an incredibly difficult concept to 'suss', but once sussed (and this will present its own difficulties and doubts along the way
) it makes things so much easier to manage .OP, I wish your daughter - and yourself - all the best
.theinstaller said:
Thank you, in roads have been made already and I can hear in her voice that she is more positive, and she hasn't argued with her dad since I mentioned how she can turn things around. So we have made some small steps which I'm really pleased about.
FANTASTIC news!!Keep at it, acknowledge progress, and make sure she rewards herself for starting to change her thoughts.
Well done to both of you!
Had a chat with my daughter today, she wasn't feeling too good as she'd had an argument with her dad, he was angry because he phoned her up and she was in the car so her flatmate answered. She couldn't hear what he was saying but him being him thought they were messing him around. I asked her how did she handle the situation when she spoke to him, the good news is that she was actually calmer than she had been after previous run ins. I feel she is really trying hard to change things around for herself and by being calm, she saved herself a lot of stress. I am doing my best to make her stay positive, but it is hard being at the opposite ends of the country. It's a long road but one I think she is on the first steps of.
theinstaller
Good to hear from you, and FANTASTIC that there has been some changes in the way your Daughter is dealing with things. Has she told she's proud of herself? It's important that she recognises these achievements, and recognises improvements. However small or trivial they may seem. They all build up to create a better self esteem for your Daughter.
Points to remember, your Daughter won't be stressed BECAUSE of an argument with her Dad. She will be stressed because of the way she is processing her own thoughts in relation to that argument. Remind her that she is in total control of her own thoughts, and those thoughts directly influence how she feels, so its good practise to make them good ones.
Occasionally, of course, there are times when things occur in life that for a period of time, could cause us to feel stressed, sad, or other emotions and feelings that we would prefer not to have. However, by managing your thoughts correctly, building these good thinking habits that we mentioned earlier in this thread, our 'bounce back ability', can be hugely improved so that ultimately, our general well being can remain in GREAT condition.
I hope you too, are remaining positive, and managing your own thoughts, its great that she has you looking out for her!! Remember to reward yourself for that also.
Good to hear from you, and FANTASTIC that there has been some changes in the way your Daughter is dealing with things. Has she told she's proud of herself? It's important that she recognises these achievements, and recognises improvements. However small or trivial they may seem. They all build up to create a better self esteem for your Daughter.
Points to remember, your Daughter won't be stressed BECAUSE of an argument with her Dad. She will be stressed because of the way she is processing her own thoughts in relation to that argument. Remind her that she is in total control of her own thoughts, and those thoughts directly influence how she feels, so its good practise to make them good ones.
Occasionally, of course, there are times when things occur in life that for a period of time, could cause us to feel stressed, sad, or other emotions and feelings that we would prefer not to have. However, by managing your thoughts correctly, building these good thinking habits that we mentioned earlier in this thread, our 'bounce back ability', can be hugely improved so that ultimately, our general well being can remain in GREAT condition.
I hope you too, are remaining positive, and managing your own thoughts, its great that she has you looking out for her!! Remember to reward yourself for that also.
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