Grieving? What's wrong with me!
Discussion
I lost my dear old mum on Wednesday suddenly but peacefully at home. She was not a well person for many years battling everything life threw at her including cancer and an horrific accident. I know she is at peace now and all her suffering is gone. My poor dad is not coping at all well, if I leave the house I have to return quick as people arrive and he can't speak to them, he considers himself a wimp for feeling this, I say it is perfectly normal. They would have been married 50yrs next month.
But there is a problem which is me, I have not really shed many tears, I feel extremely guilty. Since her passing I have raged on at 100mph organising the funeral, changing names on bills, dealing with banks. I looked online at this 5 or 7 stages of grief and none of it seems to refer to me and my situation. Am I going to hit a wall? Part of me is very scared I don't as what would that make me.
Ave
But there is a problem which is me, I have not really shed many tears, I feel extremely guilty. Since her passing I have raged on at 100mph organising the funeral, changing names on bills, dealing with banks. I looked online at this 5 or 7 stages of grief and none of it seems to refer to me and my situation. Am I going to hit a wall? Part of me is very scared I don't as what would that make me.
Ave
Ave
Firstly I am very sorry for your loss....
Losing a parent is unique... and only those who have, know how you are feeling...
To me it seems like there is an adrenalin which holds back grief, whilst you do what you are doing until the funeral...
It will come...
Hope it goes as well as it can...
A
Firstly I am very sorry for your loss....
Losing a parent is unique... and only those who have, know how you are feeling...
To me it seems like there is an adrenalin which holds back grief, whilst you do what you are doing until the funeral...
It will come...
Hope it goes as well as it can...
A
Sorry for your loss.
I lost my mother last Sunday after a long illness. I am too perfectly "normal" on the outside and getting on with things.
My difference with you is I am a Paramedic, so I see death and dying on a daily basis. Because of this I have become a heartless b
d/insensitive to these situations.
Let yourself do whatever yourself wants to do. Collapse in floods of tears, wail in the street, or get though it by organising things, getting your head down with work etc.
There is no right or wrong way to deal with grief. Everyone is personal. What will happen in days, weeks, months or even years from now, something will hit you: a song, a smell (perfume), a place, something on TV and then your wheels will come off. Let it happen, go with the flow.
You are "normal". Hope this helps a bit.
I lost my mother last Sunday after a long illness. I am too perfectly "normal" on the outside and getting on with things.
My difference with you is I am a Paramedic, so I see death and dying on a daily basis. Because of this I have become a heartless b
d/insensitive to these situations.Let yourself do whatever yourself wants to do. Collapse in floods of tears, wail in the street, or get though it by organising things, getting your head down with work etc.
There is no right or wrong way to deal with grief. Everyone is personal. What will happen in days, weeks, months or even years from now, something will hit you: a song, a smell (perfume), a place, something on TV and then your wheels will come off. Let it happen, go with the flow.
You are "normal". Hope this helps a bit.
I personally think the '7 stages of grief' is tosh. It didn't apply to me, or anyone else I can think of for that matter.
One gets an impression of someone from forum postings over the years, and you strike me as an immensely capable and practical person, someone who can be relied upon in a crisis, which is exactly what your poor father needs right now.
I honestly wouldn't worry about not feeling what others think you 'ought' to be feeling. If there's one thing I know about grief, it is that your body is very good at parceling up emotions for you to process in bite-sized chunks. You need to trust it.
However, don't forget about 'you' in all this. Eat properly and don't be tempted to skip any routine medical checks. Look to the future and plan a little treat for yourself and your father in say, six months time when things have calmed down a bit. Little warm hugs xx
One gets an impression of someone from forum postings over the years, and you strike me as an immensely capable and practical person, someone who can be relied upon in a crisis, which is exactly what your poor father needs right now.
I honestly wouldn't worry about not feeling what others think you 'ought' to be feeling. If there's one thing I know about grief, it is that your body is very good at parceling up emotions for you to process in bite-sized chunks. You need to trust it.
However, don't forget about 'you' in all this. Eat properly and don't be tempted to skip any routine medical checks. Look to the future and plan a little treat for yourself and your father in say, six months time when things have calmed down a bit. Little warm hugs xx
First of all condolences on your loss.
Secondly don't beat yourself up - it's different for everyone - just make sure you look after yourself.
I lost my dad quite suddenly nearly 20 years ago and had to make all the arrangements as mum wasn't up to it. I then found myself running round all over the place trying to look after her.
I just didn't have time to grieve and it all didn't hit me until a couple of years later when an advert came on TV for the Motor Show at the NEC and I caught myself on the way to pick up the phone to ring dad to see if he fancied going.
It was only then that the grief hit me and I sat on the living room floor & bawled my eyes out.
Secondly don't beat yourself up - it's different for everyone - just make sure you look after yourself.
I lost my dad quite suddenly nearly 20 years ago and had to make all the arrangements as mum wasn't up to it. I then found myself running round all over the place trying to look after her.
I just didn't have time to grieve and it all didn't hit me until a couple of years later when an advert came on TV for the Motor Show at the NEC and I caught myself on the way to pick up the phone to ring dad to see if he fancied going.
It was only then that the grief hit me and I sat on the living room floor & bawled my eyes out.
BIGDAI said:
First of all condolences on your loss.
Secondly don't beat yourself up - it's different for everyone - just make sure you look after yourself.
I lost my dad quite suddenly nearly 20 years ago and had to make all the arrangements as mum wasn't up to it. I then found myself running round all over the place trying to look after her.
I just didn't have time to grieve and it all didn't hit me until a couple of years later when an advert came on TV for the Motor Show at the NEC and I caught myself on the way to pick up the phone to ring dad to see if he fancied going.
It was only then that the grief hit me and I sat on the living room floor & bawled my eyes out.
My condolences.Secondly don't beat yourself up - it's different for everyone - just make sure you look after yourself.
I lost my dad quite suddenly nearly 20 years ago and had to make all the arrangements as mum wasn't up to it. I then found myself running round all over the place trying to look after her.
I just didn't have time to grieve and it all didn't hit me until a couple of years later when an advert came on TV for the Motor Show at the NEC and I caught myself on the way to pick up the phone to ring dad to see if he fancied going.
It was only then that the grief hit me and I sat on the living room floor & bawled my eyes out.
My experience was very similar to that above except I bottled up the grief. I was 19 when my Dad died suddenly. I spent a long time sorting things out for my mum and younger brother. I still remember doing all the ringing around his work, friends and family as my mum was, not surprisingly, in bits.
At 19 that was quite a tough experience. By the time I had time to really think about it everyone else had moved on and it was hard to talk about so I bottled it up and got on with life. It really didn't hit me until 20 years later and was quite difficult to work through.
We all handle things in different ways but I suspect you'll feel it at some point. Give yourself chance to let it out in whatever way works for you.
SSC! said:
I lost my dear old mum on Wednesday suddenly but peacefully at home. She was not a well person for many years battling everything life threw at her including cancer and an horrific accident. I know she is at peace now and all her suffering is gone. My poor dad is not coping at all well, if I leave the house I have to return quick as people arrive and he can't speak to them, he considers himself a wimp for feeling this, I say it is perfectly normal. They would have been married 50yrs next month.
But there is a problem which is me, I have not really shed many tears, I feel extremely guilty. Since her passing I have raged on at 100mph organising the funeral, changing names on bills, dealing with banks. I looked online at this 5 or 7 stages of grief and none of it seems to refer to me and my situation. Am I going to hit a wall? Part of me is very scared I don't as what would that make me.
Ave
Just keep on keeping on, you're taking a lot of pressure off your old man by taking control (but he might need to take some back soon to feel less like a wimp) But there is a problem which is me, I have not really shed many tears, I feel extremely guilty. Since her passing I have raged on at 100mph organising the funeral, changing names on bills, dealing with banks. I looked online at this 5 or 7 stages of grief and none of it seems to refer to me and my situation. Am I going to hit a wall? Part of me is very scared I don't as what would that make me.
Ave
As others have said don't live your life by lists of how you're supposed to feel on the internet (they have as much validity as horoscopes imho, lumping everyone together as if we're all the same) I cried for about half an hour when my Dad died and went into work the next day...lots of people were telling me I 'should be at home' etc. but that's THEIR way of dealing with something.
Try only to worry about what you can influence and change. Anything else is a waste of time and energy.
AndrewCrown said:
It will come...
I'm one of those people that finds it very hard to cry in any situation. My father always taught me that it was a weakness.Lost both of my parents some years ago, differing times and causes and I felt very guilty that I wasn't crying or showing any obvious emotion at those times. You tend to get wrapped up in doing things.
It will come when it's ready to show itself.
So sorry for your loss!
Edited by Davel on Monday 23 February 14:48
Mobile Chicane said:
I honestly wouldn't worry about not feeling what others think you 'ought' to be feeling. If there's one thing I know about grief, it is that your body is very good at parceling up emotions for you to process in bite-sized chunks. You need to trust it.
+1It might suddenly hit you in a few days, or you might just carry on as your are. What I found in this situation was that it was after a few months when everything was back to (a new sort of) normal that the empty chair at the table really became noticeable.
My condolences on your loss.
As your Mother was ill for many years and had had a bad accident, maybe you have already accepted that you would lose her at some point and you have already been through a form of grieving process.
Being busy will take your mind off things. The funeral will also be emotional and will possibly be the occasion to show your feelings. As others have said, it can manifest itself at any moment - But who cares? A bit of blubbering and a snotty nose won't harm you..
As your Mother was ill for many years and had had a bad accident, maybe you have already accepted that you would lose her at some point and you have already been through a form of grieving process.
Being busy will take your mind off things. The funeral will also be emotional and will possibly be the occasion to show your feelings. As others have said, it can manifest itself at any moment - But who cares? A bit of blubbering and a snotty nose won't harm you..
Sorry to hear your loss.
I don't have anything of value to add but I don't think its unusual. My dad was killed on his motorbike 11 years ago. He was the only child of his ageing parents who were in their late 70s at the time and both still alive now.
I am the eldest of 4 children and therefore their only grandchildren. I had to step up to the plate and organise pretty much everything at the time of his death and had to knock on the door late at night with the Motorway Police and deliver the news to his parents/my grandparents.
I didn't cry once, I beat myself up for months wondering why it had not impacted me. I think its because it was all surreal and I felt like I was watching someone else's life play out in front of me. From the cremation to the receiving and burying of his remains it always felt like it was someone elses family.
My biggest fear now is having to sort of my grandparents funerals as I'm the next of kin
But, several years later it hit me and I think you may need to be prepared for that. The thinking of your mum, the things in your life that you would like to share with your mum, that's when it will hit you. Ensure you eat correctly, sleep when you can Sorry
I don't have anything of value to add but I don't think its unusual. My dad was killed on his motorbike 11 years ago. He was the only child of his ageing parents who were in their late 70s at the time and both still alive now.
I am the eldest of 4 children and therefore their only grandchildren. I had to step up to the plate and organise pretty much everything at the time of his death and had to knock on the door late at night with the Motorway Police and deliver the news to his parents/my grandparents.
I didn't cry once, I beat myself up for months wondering why it had not impacted me. I think its because it was all surreal and I felt like I was watching someone else's life play out in front of me. From the cremation to the receiving and burying of his remains it always felt like it was someone elses family.
My biggest fear now is having to sort of my grandparents funerals as I'm the next of kin
But, several years later it hit me and I think you may need to be prepared for that. The thinking of your mum, the things in your life that you would like to share with your mum, that's when it will hit you. Ensure you eat correctly, sleep when you can Sorry
Edited by oldaudi on Monday 23 February 14:52
Very sorry for your loss. Grieving is a funny thing I would way say nothing is right or wrong and its not a one size fits all. People do react differently in situations and this might be your way of coping with it all, and seeing your dad struggling you have picked up the mantle and made sure everything gets done.
I was completely the opposite when my dad died suddenly. Cried my eyes out, went into a shell for 3 days and hardly said a word, and took me till after the funeral to get it together. Even now 7 years later I still shed a tear, its just my brains way of coping.
One thing I would say is don't bottle things up, or try and take too much on to keep busy its is the worst thing you can do. Make sure you have people to talk too about it, and also take some time for yourself to sit down and just think about her. Grieving will come when your ready.
I was completely the opposite when my dad died suddenly. Cried my eyes out, went into a shell for 3 days and hardly said a word, and took me till after the funeral to get it together. Even now 7 years later I still shed a tear, its just my brains way of coping.
One thing I would say is don't bottle things up, or try and take too much on to keep busy its is the worst thing you can do. Make sure you have people to talk too about it, and also take some time for yourself to sit down and just think about her. Grieving will come when your ready.
Oh Ave, I'm so sorry for your loss 
Grief affects everyone differently, but hit you it will, even if it is just an odd tear. Your mind has its own way of coping, helping you deal with it, how it is demonstrated depends upon you, not others.
My friends Mum died just after mine, the same root cause, but a longer process. He shrugged & said she was in a better place & he'd said goodbye before she went, there's nothing that being upset will help. He has Aspergers, or as he calls it 'talking straight'.
I found this quote for another friend & have used it a few times now, it's a little less than the 7 stages, but just as apt to help 'gauge' grief
Grief affects everyone differently, but hit you it will, even if it is just an odd tear. Your mind has its own way of coping, helping you deal with it, how it is demonstrated depends upon you, not others.
My friends Mum died just after mine, the same root cause, but a longer process. He shrugged & said she was in a better place & he'd said goodbye before she went, there's nothing that being upset will help. He has Aspergers, or as he calls it 'talking straight'.
I found this quote for another friend & have used it a few times now, it's a little less than the 7 stages, but just as apt to help 'gauge' grief
Stephen King - Pet Sematary said:
The immediate personal and most agonising grief begins about three days after the death of a loved one and holds hard from 4 to 6 weeks most cases.
Time then welds one state of human feeling into another until they become something like a rainbow; strong grief becomes a softer more mellow grief; mellow grief becomes mourning; mourning at last becomes remembrance - a process that may take from six months to 3 years and still be considered normal.
Time then welds one state of human feeling into another until they become something like a rainbow; strong grief becomes a softer more mellow grief; mellow grief becomes mourning; mourning at last becomes remembrance - a process that may take from six months to 3 years and still be considered normal.
JumboBeef said:
Sorry for your loss.
There is no right or wrong way to deal with grief. Everyone is personal. What will happen in days, weeks, months or even years from now, something will hit you: a song, a smell (perfume), a place, something on TV and then your wheels will come off. Let it happen, go with the flow.
You are "normal". Hope this helps a bit.
OP - sorry for your loss. Thankfully I've never lost a close family member yet within living memory, the only thing that comes close was having to go to the vets to have my dog put to sleep about 18 months ago. There is no right or wrong way to deal with grief. Everyone is personal. What will happen in days, weeks, months or even years from now, something will hit you: a song, a smell (perfume), a place, something on TV and then your wheels will come off. Let it happen, go with the flow.
You are "normal". Hope this helps a bit.
We'd had him since I was very young and it was very hard being there but I cried for a short time in the vets and was fine again later that evening... However, a few weeks later I was working in the garage when a song came on my iPod dock which seemed different to me for some reason. After a few seconds, it dawned on me then that it was the song playing on the radio in my car when I got back into it to leave the vets and I just burst into tears instantly. Whether you do end up grieving or not who knows, it doesn't make your heartless at all - different people deal with death differently. But I'm sure one day something will remind you of them and all I can say is let it out, you'll feel much better afterwards.
You sound like you're worried you might be a sociopath or something. You're not, honestly you're not. Everyone experiences grief differently and none of those ways are wrong. If how things are going for you right now works for you, then keep going. But allow a bit of room, in your head or heart or whatever, for if that stops working and you need to take time out to keep coping later on.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thanks for all your kind words folks, I'm relieved I am normal as what others might be thinking was worrying me.
I took last week off work and on the Sunday I was having the conversation with dad about the 'what ifs' never for one second think they would be real 3 days later. As has been said (sorry I hate quoting on iPad) I had already come to terms with her illness.
I do wholeheartedly appreciate all your words. Why does it feel so easier to take to strangers than family I wonder. Fingers crossed tomorrow gives us our long awaited death certificate so we can move slowly forward with the funeral plans.
Thanks again
Ave x
I took last week off work and on the Sunday I was having the conversation with dad about the 'what ifs' never for one second think they would be real 3 days later. As has been said (sorry I hate quoting on iPad) I had already come to terms with her illness.
I do wholeheartedly appreciate all your words. Why does it feel so easier to take to strangers than family I wonder. Fingers crossed tomorrow gives us our long awaited death certificate so we can move slowly forward with the funeral plans.
Thanks again
Ave x
My dad died suddenly and completely unexpectedly in his sleep on Christmas eve just gone, I've had the odd tear and cry but; like you, I almost feel as maybe I should be doing more crying, wailing or something; in a deep depression?!
We were massively close, he lived two roads away and I saw him every other day without fail, I miss that massively. Him and my sister had their differences and she didn't see him that often but she still hasn't gone back to work; there are other issues there but I think him dieing has been the final straw; me however I went back to work the following Monday; people were surprised, they thought I should have been off for longer, I didn't need to be off and whilst I wasn't in the best place and my mind was elsewhere, what good does moping about at home do; work took my mind off it to a degree and gave me something else to focus on.
When I'm out walking the dog by myself in the evening, a song will come on; something totally unrelated to my dad, however it will remind me of him and I will get a bit upset, but not for long.
Since his death we have had alot of "events" that remind you of family; Christmas day, my wedding anniversary, New Year, my 40th, I loved my dad massively and miss him terribly every day, however we all cope and grieve differently, there is nothing wrong with the way that you are feeling OP, don't let it worry you.
We were massively close, he lived two roads away and I saw him every other day without fail, I miss that massively. Him and my sister had their differences and she didn't see him that often but she still hasn't gone back to work; there are other issues there but I think him dieing has been the final straw; me however I went back to work the following Monday; people were surprised, they thought I should have been off for longer, I didn't need to be off and whilst I wasn't in the best place and my mind was elsewhere, what good does moping about at home do; work took my mind off it to a degree and gave me something else to focus on.
When I'm out walking the dog by myself in the evening, a song will come on; something totally unrelated to my dad, however it will remind me of him and I will get a bit upset, but not for long.
Since his death we have had alot of "events" that remind you of family; Christmas day, my wedding anniversary, New Year, my 40th, I loved my dad massively and miss him terribly every day, however we all cope and grieve differently, there is nothing wrong with the way that you are feeling OP, don't let it worry you.
I'm going through something horrible right now that may eventually result in losing my daughter - I actually need to thank you as I've also had periods of worrying that I'm not upset enough - I'm devastated, and terrified, but not all the time and not always visibly so. So actually, a lot like you and all the other commenters.
BlackVanDyke said:
I'm going through something horrible right now that may eventually result in losing my daughter - I actually need to thank you as I've also had periods of worrying that I'm not upset enough - I'm devastated, and terrified, but not all the time and not always visibly so. So actually, a lot like you and all the other commenters.
It's like if you don't think about it, it will either go away/fix itself? Given what you have been through to get where you are my heart goes out to you (I see posts but not always comment as I feel I'm crap with words lol). Hope things improve for you I really do xGassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff