Grieving? What's wrong with me!
Discussion
I lost my Dad in 2004. We were very close. I've never gotten over it. It has become easier over the years.
I still have bad days.
When you lose a parent for me anyway the grieving never really goes totally away.... It just kind of sits hidden in a corner waiting to jump out and hit you with that total numbing sadness.
But it does get easier... Over the years ....
I still have bad days.
When you lose a parent for me anyway the grieving never really goes totally away.... It just kind of sits hidden in a corner waiting to jump out and hit you with that total numbing sadness.
But it does get easier... Over the years ....
BlackVanDyke said:
I'm going through something horrible right now that may eventually result in losing my daughter - I actually need to thank you as I've also had periods of worrying that I'm not upset enough - I'm devastated, and terrified, but not all the time and not always visibly so. So actually, a lot like you and all the other commenters.
I have everything crossed for you that it doesn't come to that R, please shout if there is anything the power of PH can do to helpAx
Sorry for your loss, and can totally relate to what you are saying. I lost my dad in 2008 after a very short battle with cancer. I found it very difficult to grieve, I think I only really cried at the funeral, but for months afterwards little random things would set me off and I'd be bawling my eyes out in the car for no particular reason.
We lost mom 6 months ago, and I'm not entirely sure that it's actually really sunk in yet. Everything in our family revolved around mom so it's been really hard to come to terms with her not being around anymore.
We lost mom 6 months ago, and I'm not entirely sure that it's actually really sunk in yet. Everything in our family revolved around mom so it's been really hard to come to terms with her not being around anymore.
SSC! said:
But there is a problem which is me, I have not really shed many tears, I feel extremely guilty. Since her passing I have raged on at 100mph organising the funeral, changing names on bills, dealing with banks. I looked online at this 5 or 7 stages of grief and none of it seems to refer to me and my situation. Am I going to hit a wall? Part of me is very scared I don't as what would that make me.
I lost my son 6 years ago and I was largely the same - I had a surviving son with complex medical issues to worry about and my OH to worry about (it didn't help that they hadn't stitched her up right either!). I ploughed on looking after them, getting back home and removing things so that returning home would be easier for her, organising everything that needed to be done. I even went back to work the next day! I don't know if it's healthy or not, but being distracted meant I was able to function and be there for others that needed me to be strong.I cried a lot at the funeral, and still do every time I visit the grave.
Seems like perfectly normal behaviour to me!
BVD - I'm really sorry to hear about your daughter
SBDJ said:
I lost my son 6 years ago and I was largely the same - I had a surviving son with complex medical issues to worry about and my OH to worry about (it didn't help that they hadn't stitched her up right either!). I ploughed on looking after them, getting back home and removing things so that returning home would be easier for her, organising everything that needed to be done. I even went back to work the next day! I don't know if it's healthy or not, but being distracted meant I was able to function and be there for others that needed me to be strong.
I cried a lot at the funeral, and still do every time I visit the grave.
Seems like perfectly normal behaviour to me!
BVD - I'm really sorry to hear about your daughter
So sorry for your loss, felt pain last night so I must be slightly normal. I spent the whole day yesterday feeling very angry with everything, it has been a week since mum passed and we still have no death certificate as post mort has been done but now waiting on toxicology report. My anger turned into tears by 11pm as I was so drained by anger and dealing with calls all asking for details. I just want mum laid to rest now. I cried a lot at the funeral, and still do every time I visit the grave.
Seems like perfectly normal behaviour to me!
BVD - I'm really sorry to hear about your daughter
Like the OP, my mother passed away suddenly in February - the 13th. She'd had a minor operation & is suspected to have died of a blood clot. Due to her age (71) a post-mortem has not been performed.
We had to fly out to South Africa for a week, deal with everything, continue to run the business etc. We're also in the middle of buying & selling houses.
So there's a lot of guilt about not grieving or being visibly upset. I do have moments of thinking "I'll tell Mom that", only to remember she's not there. It's an odd time, and I'm probably storing up issues for later.
We had to fly out to South Africa for a week, deal with everything, continue to run the business etc. We're also in the middle of buying & selling houses.
So there's a lot of guilt about not grieving or being visibly upset. I do have moments of thinking "I'll tell Mom that", only to remember she's not there. It's an odd time, and I'm probably storing up issues for later.
BlackVanDyke said:
You sound like you're worried you might be a sociopath or something. You're not, honestly you're not. Everyone experiences grief differently and none of those ways are wrong. If how things are going for you right now works for you, then keep going. But allow a bit of room, in your head or heart or whatever, for if that stops working and you need to take time out to keep coping later on.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
The other thing to consider is that as OP said his mum had been unwell for a number of years , some of the grieving may have all ready been done ... I'm so sorry for your loss.
pushing through the practicality of it all is perfectly normal reaction - just be prepared for it to hit you later ...
10 or more years after my dad passed away i've still had moments when i thought ' i'll just tell dad this' or ' i'll ask dad what to do ' and then it hits he;s not there and hasn;t been for years.
OP you're normal, i lost my brother in an accident earlier this year..... As i was driving down to the mortuary to do the formalities on the radio came "Let it Go" from Frozen.
Now all i new was my brother died in a river, probably hypothermia and that he'd held on for 2 hours but then died.
So soppy but poingant (sp?) song and yes that was the onky time i shed a tear (through identifcation, funeral planning, house clearing, funeral service etc etc etc)
However, now whenever i hear "let it go" on the radio, i stop, think and suddenly find a lot of dust in the room!! No matter where i am at the time.
Now all i new was my brother died in a river, probably hypothermia and that he'd held on for 2 hours but then died.
So soppy but poingant (sp?) song and yes that was the onky time i shed a tear (through identifcation, funeral planning, house clearing, funeral service etc etc etc)
However, now whenever i hear "let it go" on the radio, i stop, think and suddenly find a lot of dust in the room!! No matter where i am at the time.
Marcellus said:
OP you're normal, i lost my brother in an accident earlier this year..... As i was driving down to the mortuary to do the formalities on the radio came "Let it Go" from Frozen.
Now all i new was my brother died in a river, probably hypothermia and that he'd held on for 2 hours but then died.
So soppy but poingant (sp?) song and yes that was the onky time i shed a tear (through identifcation, funeral planning, house clearing, funeral service etc etc etc)
However, now whenever i hear "let it go" on the radio, i stop, think and suddenly find a lot of dust in the room!! No matter where i am at the time.
That's a very sad post Now all i new was my brother died in a river, probably hypothermia and that he'd held on for 2 hours but then died.
So soppy but poingant (sp?) song and yes that was the onky time i shed a tear (through identifcation, funeral planning, house clearing, funeral service etc etc etc)
However, now whenever i hear "let it go" on the radio, i stop, think and suddenly find a lot of dust in the room!! No matter where i am at the time.
Well we buried mum on Friday. These past few weeks have dragged. Mum's death was not what we expected so another blow. Again feeling very angry, I started to believe my parents had kept mum's colon cancer from me but it turned out she was never diagnosed with it so never knew. Yet more anger as she was a regular at the hospital getting one test after the other.
Got to see her on Tuesday and found it very hard as she looked nothing like my last memory, I told Dad I did not want to see her again but thankfully I changed my mind and very glad I did. The funeral went very well, I had a wobble as I started mums tribute but got it done and hope I did her proud.
Still no huge grief but I am now dealing with my dad as he is just a little lad lost these days and one of us has to keep going. On friday it would have been their 50th Wedding Anniversary.
Thanks again for all your words.
Ave x
Got to see her on Tuesday and found it very hard as she looked nothing like my last memory, I told Dad I did not want to see her again but thankfully I changed my mind and very glad I did. The funeral went very well, I had a wobble as I started mums tribute but got it done and hope I did her proud.
Still no huge grief but I am now dealing with my dad as he is just a little lad lost these days and one of us has to keep going. On friday it would have been their 50th Wedding Anniversary.
Thanks again for all your words.
Ave x
Haha, how fitting this thread pops back up this week.
So this past few months I have been feeling like a s
t magnet, anything that can go wrong will. I'm on medication (propranolol) to take the edge off but I don't feel that much different. (if anyone has over the counter suggestions I will welcome them)
4 weeks ago my Dad took a heart attack, very lucky he managed to get stents in as he was nearly airlifted miles from home for a bypass. He in turn became a grumpy agitated man as he could no longer do the usual things he did and had to rely on me to drive him about for 4 weeks which was not easy given I'm usually carting my work about in the form of 3 noisy kids most days.
3 weeks ago I was bitten (in play thank god) my a 17st rottweiller which has done a little damage to my nerves in my arm but it's getting better, handy when lifting kids it part of your daily life lol.
2 weeks ago the last eldest connection to my Mum died at 99. Family forgot to call to let us know funeral arrangements so we missed it!! For some reason they put the notice in the paper in her Maiden name and not the name I have always known her so I also missed it while checking. Devastated at missing her funeral was putting it mildly, although I know full well mum would be catching up with her and asking WTF were the family thinking lol.
So where am I??
You know you all said 'it will come'. Well it arrived like a freight train yesterday in the form of me loosing it. I'm not proud of how it happened as my good friends took a big brunt of it in the form of me screaming/smashing etc but it had to come and they knew that before I did lol. This past 4 weeks I have become a different person, snapping at friends, taking everything said or done to me out of context. Looking for ulterior motives in everything someone does or says. My child, my beautiful 3yr old daughter has also taken the brunt of me snapping at her at everything, I have been a horrible mother to the best and only good thing I have in my life and I am disgusted with myself.
They say you turn a corner. Well yesterday although I can't believe it I did, this morning I woke with different attitude. I'm going to see a psychologist to get out everything I have stored away and help me, and today it was a pleasure working with the kids, and not the drain it has been lately. Now all I need to do is find a nice man to feck it all up for me
Ave
So this past few months I have been feeling like a s
t magnet, anything that can go wrong will. I'm on medication (propranolol) to take the edge off but I don't feel that much different. (if anyone has over the counter suggestions I will welcome them)4 weeks ago my Dad took a heart attack, very lucky he managed to get stents in as he was nearly airlifted miles from home for a bypass. He in turn became a grumpy agitated man as he could no longer do the usual things he did and had to rely on me to drive him about for 4 weeks which was not easy given I'm usually carting my work about in the form of 3 noisy kids most days.
3 weeks ago I was bitten (in play thank god) my a 17st rottweiller which has done a little damage to my nerves in my arm but it's getting better, handy when lifting kids it part of your daily life lol.
2 weeks ago the last eldest connection to my Mum died at 99. Family forgot to call to let us know funeral arrangements so we missed it!! For some reason they put the notice in the paper in her Maiden name and not the name I have always known her so I also missed it while checking. Devastated at missing her funeral was putting it mildly, although I know full well mum would be catching up with her and asking WTF were the family thinking lol.
So where am I??
You know you all said 'it will come'. Well it arrived like a freight train yesterday in the form of me loosing it. I'm not proud of how it happened as my good friends took a big brunt of it in the form of me screaming/smashing etc but it had to come and they knew that before I did lol. This past 4 weeks I have become a different person, snapping at friends, taking everything said or done to me out of context. Looking for ulterior motives in everything someone does or says. My child, my beautiful 3yr old daughter has also taken the brunt of me snapping at her at everything, I have been a horrible mother to the best and only good thing I have in my life and I am disgusted with myself.
They say you turn a corner. Well yesterday although I can't believe it I did, this morning I woke with different attitude. I'm going to see a psychologist to get out everything I have stored away and help me, and today it was a pleasure working with the kids, and not the drain it has been lately. Now all I need to do is find a nice man to feck it all up for me
Ave
Grief may be seen as a social requirement but I know we all handle these episodes in our own way. I had the misfortune to be present when a series of coronaries hit my 57-year-old Dad one Saturday afternoon. Mum was also there but she left the room - she couldn't cope at all. I broke his breastbone applying CPR but the doc later said nothing on earth would've made any difference/
I cried, very briefly, but that was through a combination of frustration and adrenaline draindown. But even now, 33 years on, the 19th December is a marked day for me.
By contrast. Mum made it to 84. She was put on the (now discredited) 'Liverpool Pathway to Death'. I last saw her in hospital 14 hours before she died. She was moribund, breathing every 90 seconds and utterly unaware of anything. By contrast, my previous visit saw her in terror, begging that the sergeant major must be made to leave her alone...dementia in action.
I didn't cry on hearing she'd died. Nor did I shed a tear at her funeral. I'd chosen suitable tunes for her (she was a piano teacher) and the vicar gave the eulogy. There was no need to cry, Mum had gone quietly to a peaceful rest.
I don't feel any need to grieve further, nor do I feel any guilt.
I cried, very briefly, but that was through a combination of frustration and adrenaline draindown. But even now, 33 years on, the 19th December is a marked day for me.
By contrast. Mum made it to 84. She was put on the (now discredited) 'Liverpool Pathway to Death'. I last saw her in hospital 14 hours before she died. She was moribund, breathing every 90 seconds and utterly unaware of anything. By contrast, my previous visit saw her in terror, begging that the sergeant major must be made to leave her alone...dementia in action.
I didn't cry on hearing she'd died. Nor did I shed a tear at her funeral. I'd chosen suitable tunes for her (she was a piano teacher) and the vicar gave the eulogy. There was no need to cry, Mum had gone quietly to a peaceful rest.
I don't feel any need to grieve further, nor do I feel any guilt.
Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff