Grieving? What's wrong with me!
Discussion
I had a 2013 like that, and it looks like the 2nd 1/2 2015 may be the start of 2016 going that way too
(or we may be 'lucky' & only have the rest of the year!)I hope your Father is better soon.
Strokes are tricky things. My Uncle had one in March & is a shell, you can see the life in him but he's trapped
A friend's Father had one at the same time (same age) and was out a week later as though nothing had occurred.Rather than comment on recent events for a few people ( 
) I thought I'd say this for a bit of context...
in a way that the terminally ill sadly don't .
I can't say much more (especially with regard to very recent posts) as I'm struggling with demons around my second wife's first anniversary on 24 June; this was the second time I was widowed (from complications following surgery 18 months before); my first wife died on 24 Feb 2003 (from a genetic fault and complications arising). Oddly enough, both had the same two primary causes of causes of death on their Death Certificates .
I will add that life is very unfair, also that it "continues" after the passing of a close relative but is oh so different...
I will add more in due course, but as a 'starter' think of being in a foreign country and being unable to work out what the siesta is 
. Subtle, but fundamental to working out how to live day-to-day post-bereavement where things are not quite "right" and one can't work out why (nor ever, realistically, does so )...
) I thought I'd say this for a bit of context... Mobile Chicane said:
I personally think the '7 stages of grief' is tosh. It didn't apply to me, or anyone else I can think of for that matter.
"The 5/7/whatever stages of grief" was originally aimed at the terminally ill and their experience from diagnosis to passing (as such it seems pretty accurate) - it also fits "approximately" to those of us who have lost a dear one, but we tend to flit from stage to stage in a way that the terminally ill sadly don't .I can't say much more (especially with regard to very recent posts) as I'm struggling with demons around my second wife's first anniversary on 24 June; this was the second time I was widowed (from complications following surgery 18 months before); my first wife died on 24 Feb 2003 (from a genetic fault and complications arising). Oddly enough, both had the same two primary causes of causes of death on their Death Certificates
.I will add that life is very unfair, also that it "continues" after the passing of a close relative but is oh so different...
I will add more in due course, but as a 'starter' think of being in a foreign country and being unable to work out what the siesta is . Subtle, but fundamental to working out how to live day-to-day post-bereavement where things are not quite "right" and one can't work out why (nor ever, realistically, does so )...aw51 121565 said:
Rather than comment on recent events for a few people ( ) I thought I'd say this for a bit of context...
in a way that the terminally ill sadly don't .
I can't say much more (especially with regard to very recent posts) as I'm struggling with demons around my second wife's first anniversary on 24 June; this was the second time I was widowed (from complications following surgery 18 months before); my first wife died on 24 Feb 2003 (from a genetic fault and complications arising). Oddly enough, both had the same two primary causes of causes of death on their Death Certificates .
I will add that life is very unfair, also that it "continues" after the passing of a close relative but is oh so different... I will add more in due course, but as a 'starter' think of being in a foreign country and being unable to work out what the siesta is . Subtle, but fundamental to working out how to live day-to-day post-bereavement where things are not quite "right" and one can't work out why (nor ever, realistically, does so )...
the 7 stages aren;t a pathway , and people don;t follow them in order ... but most people will have periods of experiencing all 7 stages follwing the death of significant family member / close friend ) I thought I'd say this for a bit of context... Mobile Chicane said:
I personally think the '7 stages of grief' is tosh. It didn't apply to me, or anyone else I can think of for that matter.
"The 5/7/whatever stages of grief" was originally aimed at the terminally ill and their experience from diagnosis to passing (as such it seems pretty accurate) - it also fits "approximately" to those of us who have lost a dear one, but we tend to flit from stage to stage in a way that the terminally ill sadly don't .I can't say much more (especially with regard to very recent posts) as I'm struggling with demons around my second wife's first anniversary on 24 June; this was the second time I was widowed (from complications following surgery 18 months before); my first wife died on 24 Feb 2003 (from a genetic fault and complications arising). Oddly enough, both had the same two primary causes of causes of death on their Death Certificates
.I will add that life is very unfair, also that it "continues" after the passing of a close relative but is oh so different...
I will add more in due course, but as a 'starter' think of being in a foreign country and being unable to work out what the siesta is . Subtle, but fundamental to working out how to live day-to-day post-bereavement where things are not quite "right" and one can't work out why (nor ever, realistically, does so )...My little girl died a fortnight ago.
Just wanted to give my thanks to the OP again for actually starting this thread. Grief and loss and decades-premature death is bloody horrendous, but being scared I might actually be going nuts - in the form of things mostly feeling normal or numb and only sometimes being lost in it all - adds that little something that really could have put me over the edge. Couldn't have anticipated this, not really, how I was feeling before compared to now is a wave/tsunami type comparison.
Just wanted to give my thanks to the OP again for actually starting this thread. Grief and loss and decades-premature death is bloody horrendous, but being scared I might actually be going nuts - in the form of things mostly feeling normal or numb and only sometimes being lost in it all - adds that little something that really could have put me over the edge. Couldn't have anticipated this, not really, how I was feeling before compared to now is a wave/tsunami type comparison.
oh BVD, i know my words can't help....
But i've been doing some work with this charity; http://www.2wishuponastar.org perhaps they will be able to help you.
But i've been doing some work with this charity; http://www.2wishuponastar.org perhaps they will be able to help you.
When I made the decision to adopt and talked at excruciating length about how hard I knew single parenthood would be, especially to a baby like S who had severe impairments, and also about what choosing to bring her into my family might mean for our future, I assured people, often, that I understood, that I could do it, that I had good support.
I was right about the support bit, at least.
Thankyou very much for the link, Marcellus. They seem to be a Wales specific organisation, but I've also been put in touch with the Child Bereavement Trust.
I was right about the support bit, at least.
Thankyou very much for the link, Marcellus. They seem to be a Wales specific organisation, but I've also been put in touch with the Child Bereavement Trust.
BlackVanDyke said:
When I made the decision to adopt and talked at excruciating length about how hard I knew single parenthood would be, especially to a baby like S who had severe impairments, and also about what choosing to bring her into my family might mean for our future, I assured people, often, that I understood, that I could do it, that I had good support.
I was right about the support bit, at least.
Thankyou very much for the link, Marcellus. They seem to be a Wales specific organisation, but I've also been put in touch with the Child Bereavement Trust.
so sorry to hear this Becca, it doesn;t seem that long you were talking about going through all the stuff to get singed off to Adopt ... I was right about the support bit, at least.
Thankyou very much for the link, Marcellus. They seem to be a Wales specific organisation, but I've also been put in touch with the Child Bereavement Trust.
mph1977 said:
BlackVanDyke said:
When I made the decision to adopt and talked at excruciating length about how hard I knew single parenthood would be, especially to a baby like S who had severe impairments, and also about what choosing to bring her into my family might mean for our future, I assured people, often, that I understood, that I could do it, that I had good support.
I was right about the support bit, at least.
Thankyou very much for the link, Marcellus. They seem to be a Wales specific organisation, but I've also been put in touch with the Child Bereavement Trust.
so sorry to hear this Becca, it doesn;t seem that long you were talking about going through all the stuff to get singed off to Adopt ... I was right about the support bit, at least.
Thankyou very much for the link, Marcellus. They seem to be a Wales specific organisation, but I've also been put in touch with the Child Bereavement Trust.
S was born end of 2012, I started the process proper 7th March 2013, saw her photo for the first time 7th November, approved as an adopter at panel on the 11th, met her and her foster carers 27th January 2014, formally matched (local authority made decision to make us a family together) 6th March, handover process begun 17th March, she moved in on the 20th. So we were only officially mother and daughter for just under 15 months, but I knew and cared about her from when she was 10 months old, she died at almost exactly 30 months old. Last bit was marred by some grim court stuff which ultimately turned out to be the most horrific waste of time and money all round, not that anybody expected her to go when she did - the average for kids like S is something like late teens/early 20s.
BlackVanDyke said:
My little girl died a fortnight ago.
Just wanted to give my thanks to the OP again for actually starting this thread. Grief and loss and decades-premature death is bloody horrendous, but being scared I might actually be going nuts - in the form of things mostly feeling normal or numb and only sometimes being lost in it all - adds that little something that really could have put me over the edge. Couldn't have anticipated this, not really, how I was feeling before compared to now is a wave/tsunami type comparison.
Oh BVD I am so so sorry to hear this. My heart goes out to you at this time. I'm only at the end of an email if you need a rant/scream etc. Just wanted to give my thanks to the OP again for actually starting this thread. Grief and loss and decades-premature death is bloody horrendous, but being scared I might actually be going nuts - in the form of things mostly feeling normal or numb and only sometimes being lost in it all - adds that little something that really could have put me over the edge. Couldn't have anticipated this, not really, how I was feeling before compared to now is a wave/tsunami type comparison.
xxx
Very sorry for your loss OP.
My loss of a parent was very different to yours - my dad died when I was 4. He collapsed and died in front of me, mum and brother at the breakfast table.
Obviously children are very resilient, and I subconsciously just got on with life.
I was 19 when the grief hit me like a bus and took me out of action for about a week. It was obviously the mental maturity to realise what I'd seen, and more so what I'd missed out on over the years that hit me.
My point being, grief doesn't have a pattern, or a map, it's different for everyone. Just go with it, let your feelings be what they are, and if/when the grief comes, just let it happen.
HTH
My loss of a parent was very different to yours - my dad died when I was 4. He collapsed and died in front of me, mum and brother at the breakfast table.
Obviously children are very resilient, and I subconsciously just got on with life.
I was 19 when the grief hit me like a bus and took me out of action for about a week. It was obviously the mental maturity to realise what I'd seen, and more so what I'd missed out on over the years that hit me.
My point being, grief doesn't have a pattern, or a map, it's different for everyone. Just go with it, let your feelings be what they are, and if/when the grief comes, just let it happen.
HTH
I would say talking on here has helped me and I also believe the therapist is a big help. I underwent hypnotherapy yesterday and I don't think I have ever felt my head so clear, almost empty from all the stresses and worries I have been having. Everything I had stored is now gone and I'm actually going slower in my day. I know what works for some won't work for others but I do wish I had found this treatment earlier as I know I was at total breaking point.
Now I just need to banish this 'bad luck' charm that is currently following me about. This week I had dad take a turn which has landed him back in hospital on Thursday with pneumonia which had never left from his stroke, two days before I got him in a tourist tried and totally failed to get out of the way of an ambulance on a call. Now I have the task of getting my bleeping wall fixed.
Any higher and she would have been in the garden with my little one!
Note to all tho, the Ford Ka took a big hit but never deployed any airbags lol.
Now I just need to banish this 'bad luck' charm that is currently following me about. This week I had dad take a turn which has landed him back in hospital on Thursday with pneumonia which had never left from his stroke, two days before I got him in a tourist tried and totally failed to get out of the way of an ambulance on a call. Now I have the task of getting my bleeping wall fixed.
Any higher and she would have been in the garden with my little one!
Note to all tho, the Ford Ka took a big hit but never deployed any airbags lol.
I know it probably feels like it, but try not to think of it as bad luck following you around.
Sometimes s
t happens and when it does I often used to focus on other recent bad things and would put it down to repeated bad luck. I couldn't live like that, I had to change it so when things are going to hell around me or I am feeling a bit down about something I try hard to focus on the good.
I know it sounds obvious and slightly patronising
Becca - I didn't see your post before; I really am very sorry for your loss.
Sometimes s
t happens and when it does I often used to focus on other recent bad things and would put it down to repeated bad luck. I couldn't live like that, I had to change it so when things are going to hell around me or I am feeling a bit down about something I try hard to focus on the good.I know it sounds obvious and slightly patronising
Becca - I didn't see your post before; I really am very sorry for your loss.
SBDJ said:
I know it probably feels like it, but try not to think of it as bad luck following you around.
Sometimes st happens and when it does I often used to focus on other recent bad things and would put it down to repeated bad luck. I couldn't live like that, I had to change it so when things are going to hell around me or I am feeling a bit down about something I try hard to focus on the good.
I know it sounds obvious and slightly patronising
Becca - I didn't see your post before; I really am very sorry for your loss.
Been off PH, so likewise hadn't seen this. Thankyou. It's pathetic to say but it just seems monstrously unfair. S was a tough little cookie and while she was periodically somewhat unwell, she showed absolutely no sign whatsoever that she was nearing her time. It will/would be her 3rd birthday on Sunday - lots of the people that loved her are going to meet up at the aquarium to spend a bit of time all together. Sometimes s
t happens and when it does I often used to focus on other recent bad things and would put it down to repeated bad luck. I couldn't live like that, I had to change it so when things are going to hell around me or I am feeling a bit down about something I try hard to focus on the good.I know it sounds obvious and slightly patronising
Becca - I didn't see your post before; I really am very sorry for your loss.
Hope you're all doing OK - M must be what, 7 now?
7 in 9 days. Rough time of year for me, I always struggle a bit, I still struggle with the loss 7 years on.
M is doing very well, he's a bit more alert and responsive, he reaches out and holds my hand and has started using switches at school to interact; hitting it at the right time in a song to say a word for example.
Sadly that's about the only improvement at home; OH broke up with me. I won't go into details about that in public lol.
Hope you're doing OK, well as OK as can be expected.
M is doing very well, he's a bit more alert and responsive, he reaches out and holds my hand and has started using switches at school to interact; hitting it at the right time in a song to say a word for example.
Sadly that's about the only improvement at home; OH broke up with me. I won't go into details about that in public lol.
Hope you're doing OK, well as OK as can be expected.
SBDJ said:
7 in 9 days. Rough time of year for me, I always struggle a bit, I still struggle with the loss 7 years on.
M is doing very well, he's a bit more alert and responsive, he reaches out and holds my hand and has started using switches at school to interact; hitting it at the right time in a song to say a word for example.
Sadly that's about the only improvement at home; OH broke up with me. I won't go into details about that in public lol.
Hope you're doing OK, well as OK as can be expected.
Reaching out for you is fabulous - switching too, that's fantastic developmentally! S didn't get anywhere near that far - too stiff to move much - but she had built up some pretty good choice making skills using eye pointing. It's not like I didn't know when she wanted to be cuddled (she always wanted to be cuddled) but she was never able to reach out effectively - somehow managed a fistful of cat fur a few times though. M is doing very well, he's a bit more alert and responsive, he reaches out and holds my hand and has started using switches at school to interact; hitting it at the right time in a song to say a word for example.
Sadly that's about the only improvement at home; OH broke up with me. I won't go into details about that in public lol.
Hope you're doing OK, well as OK as can be expected.
I'm really sorry things went pearshaped for you and Mrs SBDJ - it's a tough old world.
I've been appalled by the lack of support for bereaved parents round here but eventually got pointed towards the Compassionate Friends - they've got a few specialised forums for parents who lost one of twins, parents who lost their only child etc. Worth a look (for everyone bereaved of a child in the family, it's not just for parents) if you think any more input might help. I keep getting hammered by anniversaries too, it's the less obvious ones that I've struggled most with - her birthday I've been expecting to be hard and bracing myself for but the last time I got to put her to bed, the first time I saw her picture and knew her name, the first day I saw colour photographs of her have all knocked me sideways.
You'll all be in my thoughts. I thought I'd had difficult farewells before this but there's no comparison, not even close, to this.
Yup, he's getting preemptive with his switching too which is amazing. His school have been really good for him. Which is why this breakup is a nightmare; I'm to have custody of M and I have no friends and no family here. At all. But I don't want to uproot him!
Believe it or not we've never actually had any support for our bereavement, although the OH is now just starting to see someone about it.
Believe it or not we've never actually had any support for our bereavement, although the OH is now just starting to see someone about it.
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