Relationship Breakdown
Discussion
Ok, I've already commented but please rest assured it will get better. It may not seem like it atm, but it will. I've been where you are OP, plus a lot more s
te piled on top (he'd actually got himself a flat and had been seeing a number of women, but of course I was called paranoid when I questioned it).
She doesn't want you, but neither does she know what she wants (evidently) but her saying it's over and she's dating again is rather final and does unfortunately suggest someone is / or will now very soon be, on the scene
I've been to the very depths of a dark place, and like you, just wanted to drop off the face of the earth. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel and a much happier life, unfortunately there's a lot of ste to deal with along the way.
Anyhow, what I'm trying to say is, don't let it destroy your life and drag you down. Are you able to take a few days off work? Speak to your employer and explain what is going on. Get away for a few days or a week away from your wife and the house. Clear your head and set the wheels in motion for your future.
Feel free to rant / vent / clear your head here, whether we're male or female, there's quite a few of us that have been where you are.
te piled on top (he'd actually got himself a flat and had been seeing a number of women, but of course I was called paranoid when I questioned it).She doesn't want you, but neither does she know what she wants (evidently) but her saying it's over and she's dating again is rather final and does unfortunately suggest someone is / or will now very soon be, on the scene
I've been to the very depths of a dark place, and like you, just wanted to drop off the face of the earth. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel and a much happier life, unfortunately there's a lot of s
te to deal with along the way.Anyhow, what I'm trying to say is, don't let it destroy your life and drag you down. Are you able to take a few days off work? Speak to your employer and explain what is going on. Get away for a few days or a week away from your wife and the house. Clear your head and set the wheels in motion for your future.
Feel free to rant / vent / clear your head here, whether we're male or female, there's quite a few of us that have been where you are.
Granville said:
Ok, I've already commented but please rest assured it will get better. It may not seem like it atm, but it will. I've been where you are OP, plus a lot more ste piled on top (he'd actually got himself a flat and had been seeing a number of women, but of course I was called paranoid when I questioned it).
She doesn't want you, but neither does she know what she wants (evidently) but her saying it's over and she's dating again is rather final and does unfortunately suggest someone is / or will now very soon be, on the scene
I've been to the very depths of a dark place, and like you, just wanted to drop off the face of the earth. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel and a much happier life, unfortunately there's a lot of ste to deal with along the way.
Anyhow, what I'm trying to say is, don't let it destroy your life and drag you down. Are you able to take a few days off work? Speak to your employer and explain what is going on. Get away for a few days or a week away from your wife and the house. Clear your head and set the wheels in motion for your future.
Feel free to rant / vent / clear your head here, whether we're male or female, there's quite a few of us that have been where you are.
Well said. For my part I had quit my job 8 weeks before to go self employed as a same day driver. She was a controller in the officete piled on top (he'd actually got himself a flat and had been seeing a number of women, but of course I was called paranoid when I questioned it).She doesn't want you, but neither does she know what she wants (evidently) but her saying it's over and she's dating again is rather final and does unfortunately suggest someone is / or will now very soon be, on the scene
I've been to the very depths of a dark place, and like you, just wanted to drop off the face of the earth. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel and a much happier life, unfortunately there's a lot of s
te to deal with along the way.Anyhow, what I'm trying to say is, don't let it destroy your life and drag you down. Are you able to take a few days off work? Speak to your employer and explain what is going on. Get away for a few days or a week away from your wife and the house. Clear your head and set the wheels in motion for your future.
Feel free to rant / vent / clear your head here, whether we're male or female, there's quite a few of us that have been where you are.
The bloke she ran off with was one of the other drivers
It was difficult to say the least
After about 6 weeks I quit before I did something silly. Have spoken to her two or three time in the four years since!blindswelledrat said:
Feel terrible for you OP. You described that well and it must be a terrible situation.
I hate it when these threads come up on PH and within 2 seconds all the aholes come out of the woodwork telling you how your wife has been seeing someone else and that it is pure fact.
However, there have been so many similar threads and unfortunately in every single case they have been correct that I have seen and unfortunately your story reads exactly like that.
The out of the blueness, he having no answers as to why, and telling you that she is going to start dating. That just reads that there is already someone who she wants to make public but wants to make it appear as though she wasn't already doing it.
There is, however, light at the end of the tunnel.
In every single similar thread you fast-forwards 6 months and the wronged men are happier than they have ever been. No exceptions. However rubbish you feel now, the bottom line is despite loving her your other half is a, and youll come to realise it and get someone better.
Unusually serious for me!
Good post BSR. Hang in there OP.I hate it when these threads come up on PH and within 2 seconds all the a
holes come out of the woodwork telling you how your wife has been seeing someone else and that it is pure fact.However, there have been so many similar threads and unfortunately in every single case they have been correct that I have seen and unfortunately your story reads exactly like that.
The out of the blueness, he having no answers as to why, and telling you that she is going to start dating. That just reads that there is already someone who she wants to make public but wants to make it appear as though she wasn't already doing it.
There is, however, light at the end of the tunnel.
In every single similar thread you fast-forwards 6 months and the wronged men are happier than they have ever been. No exceptions. However rubbish you feel now, the bottom line is despite loving her your other half is a
, and youll come to realise it and get someone better.Unusually serious for me!
Thank you all, for the comments. At the moment I'm having to take it hour by hour.
I wake up with that Red Letter Day feeling, like it is Christmas Day, because there is something important, almost special going to happen today. Then like a bomb, the memory starts to kick in. And that positive mood just vanishes to be replaced with the ache.
There are all the little habits, formed over the years that I'm having struggles with. So if I get a couple of minutes spare, I'd send a text "how's your day? Miss you? etc." that has been a really hard habit to break. But the want to do it, having the mindfulness to catch and deny myself from doing it, is mentally like a sharp prod in the ribs.
Well, Granville, I did as you suggested which was very difficult. I managed to hold it together long enough to blurt out that I wasn't ok and that it might take some time. That seemed to have worked a trick for a while. I felt like I had aired my problems and I now had some options and support around me. The weird thing was that I just seemed to stop coping this afternoon. Started slow, but I felt this rush spilling up and over me and had to excuse myself. After the second trip to the loo, just to sit and sob, I had to get out.
I've reached out to a number of friends and they have all been very supportive. Many have confessed similar issues and experiences that I am experiencing. Which helps me feel less like a dick for being the only resident of Loser-ville. Rather more that it is a place we'll all visit sometime. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but, and most importantly, it shouldn't be for the rest of your life.
I am genuinely humbled by the support that I have received, by them and the PH community. I tend not to reach out to people as I don't like to be a burden. But all the stuff I've read says, Do It. It makes it easier. And it really, really does.
I found that this guy, whilst a bit of a dick to his cat, seems to have much truth to say: https://youtu.be/tic9M4Z44YA
The difficulty, like quite a few have pointed out is, actually implementing and living by these guidelines.
I wake up with that Red Letter Day feeling, like it is Christmas Day, because there is something important, almost special going to happen today. Then like a bomb, the memory starts to kick in. And that positive mood just vanishes to be replaced with the ache.
There are all the little habits, formed over the years that I'm having struggles with. So if I get a couple of minutes spare, I'd send a text "how's your day? Miss you? etc." that has been a really hard habit to break. But the want to do it, having the mindfulness to catch and deny myself from doing it, is mentally like a sharp prod in the ribs.
Well, Granville, I did as you suggested which was very difficult. I managed to hold it together long enough to blurt out that I wasn't ok and that it might take some time. That seemed to have worked a trick for a while. I felt like I had aired my problems and I now had some options and support around me. The weird thing was that I just seemed to stop coping this afternoon. Started slow, but I felt this rush spilling up and over me and had to excuse myself. After the second trip to the loo, just to sit and sob, I had to get out.
I've reached out to a number of friends and they have all been very supportive. Many have confessed similar issues and experiences that I am experiencing. Which helps me feel less like a dick for being the only resident of Loser-ville. Rather more that it is a place we'll all visit sometime. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but, and most importantly, it shouldn't be for the rest of your life.
I am genuinely humbled by the support that I have received, by them and the PH community. I tend not to reach out to people as I don't like to be a burden. But all the stuff I've read says, Do It. It makes it easier. And it really, really does.
I found that this guy, whilst a bit of a dick to his cat, seems to have much truth to say: https://youtu.be/tic9M4Z44YA
The difficulty, like quite a few have pointed out is, actually implementing and living by these guidelines.
First part is the roughest, it's mainly just a case of keeping it together while it all comes into focus. Exercise really helps and if you can get down the gym then great, if not at first I found going for a long walk can help. Do try and get a few days off and get some time with mates.
Lot's of great advice on going forwards but first few weeks are hellish and you just need to put all your energy into getting through them.
Ultimately things will get better, it's happened to most of us and it's a fker. Give it some time and put your energy into something positive, gym, car stuff, hanging out with mates whatever. When you're ready go out and enjoy you're new found freedom
Lot's of great advice on going forwards but first few weeks are hellish and you just need to put all your energy into getting through them.
Ultimately things will get better, it's happened to most of us and it's a f
ker. Give it some time and put your energy into something positive, gym, car stuff, hanging out with mates whatever. When you're ready go out and enjoy you're new found freedom Granville said:
I'm glad you've reached out and spoken to someone, and work. It's the first hurdle crossed.
My own hurdles now need addressing, as it looks like as of last night I'm now single, and a single mum.
Gutted to hear that Granville, know you've been having a rough year of it so far. My own hurdles now need addressing, as it looks like as of last night I'm now single, and a single mum.
CountZero23 said:
Granville said:
I'm glad you've reached out and spoken to someone, and work. It's the first hurdle crossed.
My own hurdles now need addressing, as it looks like as of last night I'm now single, and a single mum.
Gutted to hear that Granville, know you've been having a rough year of it so far. My own hurdles now need addressing, as it looks like as of last night I'm now single, and a single mum.
grumbledoak said:
Did I mention not moving out of the family home?
I don't understand why everyone stresses this so much. I separated, and moved out, and am now divorced. A house in joint names is a house in joint names, live there or not. Being out didn't make any difference. What does make a difference is if there are children in the marriage and one party takes on their care, in which case they will get a substantial maintenance settlement. Very often the only way this can be settled is using equity in the house. Whether you stay or go.
Granville said:
Thanks, need to stay strong for my son. Unfortunately I have no close friends or family for support.
Where do you live?Noi bs - but if you fancy a drink some glib and anwanted advice and some one to talk to I'm more than up for a drink. Been through mill recently and know how bad it hurts.
Honest offer.
CountZero23 said:
Granville said:
Thanks, need to stay strong for my son. Unfortunately I have no close friends or family for support.
Where do you live?Noi bs - but if you fancy a drink some glib and anwanted advice and some one to talk to I'm more than up for a drink. Been through mill recently and know how bad it hurts.
Honest offer.
Lol, and that's exactly what I said to the person I have just spent the last 6 years with
Thanks you for the offer though, it means a lot.
I have no idea what I'm going to do or where to go, I have little desire to stay local and there isn't enough income where I am to support my business & my son so the logical thing to do is to move to somewhere with a better business opportunity.
Thanks you for the offer though, it means a lot.
I have no idea what I'm going to do or where to go, I have little desire to stay local and there isn't enough income where I am to support my business & my son so the logical thing to do is to move to somewhere with a better business opportunity.
Granville said:
You OK Sclayto2?
I'm struggling today, think I'm going to need to give notice to my clients as it's effecting my work and it's only going to get a lot worse.
Hey Granville,I'm struggling today, think I'm going to need to give notice to my clients as it's effecting my work and it's only going to get a lot worse.
I was the same. I thought I could deal with it. And I think the hardest part was admitting that I couldn't. Once I got over that, Me Man, Me Do Anything, bulls
t I've been ingrained with. It helped. Even clients have had their heart broken.The offer is still there if you want to talk.
sclayto2 said:
Since then, I've received a number of messages that started out in tone as we're just being separate for a bit, and the tone has steadily got more and more permanent. Until Tuesday's note, staying that as far as she is concerned this pretty much a permanent thing and she is now classing herself as single and considering dating.
I need to post up a retraction about this section. Basically, what was MEANT was that she wanted to see a Counsellor. What I read was she wanted to start Dating. Why did this happen? Because I was in that dark place. A deep well of rubbishy emotion, and was unable to see out of it. And that Letters do not always say things as clearly as they were meant to.I ended up talking Thursday and Friday off work. I wanted to talk to someone and was recommended a local Therapist. Not sure how long I bent her ear for, but it was in the region of +4 hours, she really opened my eyes on a lot of the emotional baggage & rubbish that I've been carrying around. Which, obviously, has been causing quite a few of the issues. Once it was pointed out that:
- I was just repeating the actions my parents did when they divorced. (Basically, Mother humiliated my father, who just was a sheep)
- I was also acting like my exRAF StepDad. Who believed in a complete absence of emotion. (I just thought I was part Vulcan)
- In essence I keep putting others before me, even though it ends up ticking me off... (I know screwed up right?)
sclayto2 said:
Granville said:
You OK Sclayto2?
I'm struggling today, think I'm going to need to give notice to my clients as it's effecting my work and it's only going to get a lot worse.
Hey Granville,I'm struggling today, think I'm going to need to give notice to my clients as it's effecting my work and it's only going to get a lot worse.
I was the same. I thought I could deal with it. And I think the hardest part was admitting that I couldn't. Once I got over that, Me Man, Me Do Anything, bulls
t I've been ingrained with. It helped. Even clients have had their heart broken.The offer is still there if you want to talk.
I feel for you, I really do!!
I had something similar happen a few years ago after an 8 year relationship, however we were not married but had the house and mortgage together. After constantly trying and trying over a 6 month period to persuade her we could work things out I just had enough and could see the more I tried the I pushed her away, I let it affect everything. So one day I just had enough, I got my financials in order and decided that I needed to get away so I went travelling for 8 months. I travelled India, Asia, Australia and New Zealand.....Had the absolute time of my life, met and made lots of new friends. And along the way I met this woman, who I now live in her native Norway with and are getting married in 8 weeks and I've never been happier!
The time I spent away travelling gave me perspective and time to re-evalutae my life, I figured out some goals and what I wanted to achieve over the next few years, even chose a new career that I'm more passionate about.
It all might seem difficult now, but hang in there, things will definitely get better!
I had something similar happen a few years ago after an 8 year relationship, however we were not married but had the house and mortgage together. After constantly trying and trying over a 6 month period to persuade her we could work things out I just had enough and could see the more I tried the I pushed her away, I let it affect everything. So one day I just had enough, I got my financials in order and decided that I needed to get away so I went travelling for 8 months. I travelled India, Asia, Australia and New Zealand.....Had the absolute time of my life, met and made lots of new friends. And along the way I met this woman, who I now live in her native Norway with and are getting married in 8 weeks and I've never been happier!
The time I spent away travelling gave me perspective and time to re-evalutae my life, I figured out some goals and what I wanted to achieve over the next few years, even chose a new career that I'm more passionate about.
It all might seem difficult now, but hang in there, things will definitely get better!
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