Relationship Breakdown

[theguvernor]

Can i ask for others perspective on my sitation (OP i am sorry if this is a thread hijack).

I recently split up with my gf at the end of Jan.
We were living together for 2 years pretty much, we've had a lot going on since then, family court for kids, mental health stuff etc.
I basically became a moody bd for the last 6 months of our relationship, not showing emotions etc. When she needed me the most which really upset her.
I obviously pushed her away during this time by being like i was, when she ended it, it came out of the blue, she asked me to move home for a bit so she could get herself together & gather her thoughts, as she had family court ending, plus a lot of other stuff.
We have had things go on in our relationship which not many couples would experience throughout a lifetime, she told me on more than one occasion that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, i felt the same back. (But would always joke about it).
She doesn't really have any family & my mum & dad became her mum & dad & treated her like a daughter, her best friend is also my brothers partner. It's all very closesly linked.

Now admittedly, she asked for space, which i didn't give her as i'm so lost throughout all of it, i began seeing a counsillor for my mood/emotion & anger stuff, which i'm finding really helpful, although i find it so hard not to try & contact her, i know by doing so angers her & pushes her away but i find it so hard not too as i feel like i'm losing the closest person in my life, she was honestly my best friend as well as a gf.
I know i hurt her in the past by being like i was, i didn't like the person i've become which was why i took steps to change the bad parts of myself.

There was NEVER any trust issues & i don't 100% believe for a second there is anybody else, however i don't know what 'space' means, for me, space is horrible, i want to sit down & talk things through, hell, it would be easier if there was somebody else because there would be closure.
She's also not the sort of person who plays games/hard to get etc.
It's just not in her make-up, she also hasn't deleted me on Facebook/Phone etc.
I know she's finding this hard as i am, but also in going through this i realised i really don't have any close friends, they aren't interested in talking about anything like this! That has been a real eye opener for me.
I can't even begin to think about another person, or meeting people & if i'm honest, having fun feels like i'm cheating on her!

I literally just feel like i'm in a rut, i'm trying to occupy myself with gym/exercise/work etc, but it really doesn't help, when i split up with my boys mum, my GP told me i was having a breakdown (although this was due to stress my then ex was causing, stalking me, making my life hell, lies, stopping me frome seeing my son), he prescribed me the pills for it, but i didn't take them as i didn't want to become reliant on them, i certainly don't want to go down this route again.

Can anyone give an insight into understanding 'space'?

[Granville]

Space, at times is lovely, and other times is a horrible great big void.

I think your gf(exGf) is asking for no contact, leave her alone, no texts, phone calls. Have you asked her? How much space does she want and for how long?

And yes, friends who you thought were friends suddenly don't want to know - oh I don't know what to say or what to advice, I'm useless in these situations. When sometimes all you want is a cuppa with someone and an ear to rant, moan, get things off your chest to.

Its very true you find out who your real friends are when the crap hits the fan. And I have none, and its a lonely place to be.

[theguvernor]

Granville said:

Space, at times is lovely, and other times is a horrible great big void.

I think your gf(exGf) is asking for no contact, leave her alone, no texts, phone calls. Have you asked her? How much space does she want and for how long?

And yes, friends who you thought were friends suddenly don't want to know - oh I don't know what to say or what to advice, I'm useless in these situations. When sometimes all you want is a cuppa with someone and an ear to rant, moan, get things off your chest to.

Its very true you find out who your real friends are when the crap hits the fan. And I have none, and its a lonely place to be.

At first she just asked me to move home for a bit, i continued to contact her (my bad i know)!
She has said no contact, i asked for how long and she said she didn't know she just needed space, it's horrible, i just cant get my head around anything as i don't understand space, when i asked her what she wanted all she said was she didn't know, she just needs space. She says she still loves/cares for me & is really missing, i know this for a fact, which is why i find it hard she wants no contact!
It's hard giving someone space as i know what she is going through apart from us & i just want to protect her & care for her.
as for my 'friends', yep i found out who the real ones were for sure.

[Walford]

If you get really low, write a song about it, Phil Colin's made millions out of being dumped every 3 months

[Granville]

sclayto2 said:

Granville said:

You OK Sclayto2?

I'm struggling today, think I'm going to need to give notice to my clients as it's effecting my work and it's only going to get a lot worse.

Hey Granville,

I was the same. I thought I could deal with it. And I think the hardest part was admitting that I couldn't. Once I got over that, Me Man, Me Do Anything, bullst I've been ingrained with. It helped. Even clients have had their heart broken.

The offer is still there if you want to talk.

Check your 'others' folder on FB. Anyone else want to buddy up via the internet for moral support?

[CountZero23]

theguvernor said:

At first she just asked me to move home for a bit, i continued to contact her (my bad i know)!
She has said no contact, i asked for how long and she said she didn't know she just needed space, it's horrible, i just cant get my head around anything as i don't understand space, when i asked her what she wanted all she said was she didn't know, she just needs space. She says she still loves/cares for me & is really missing, i know this for a fact, which is why i find it hard she wants no contact!
It's hard giving someone space as i know what she is going through apart from us & i just want to protect her & care for her.
as for my 'friends', yep i found out who the real ones were for sure.

Gutted to hear that mate but it's not over. Sounds like you are well aware of the issues and the need to tackle them. Do your best to work on the things that were causing problems in the relationship.

The only thing which will make her come back is if she feels things will be different.

Give her the space she asks for and get help from a doctor / therapist. I know it's the last thing you 'want' to do but try and get out there and enjoy yourself as much as you can - the more positive you can be and the better head space you can get into the more likely you are to get her back.

Find meditation and gym really good when I'm down. Booked a sky diving course after breaking up with an ex before Christmas to give me something positive to look forward too.

Feeling much better about the breakup now but stting it about now having to throw myself out of a perfectly serviceable at 12,000 feet. Typical.

[theguvernor]

CountZero23 said:

Gutted to hear that mate but it's not over. Sounds like you are well aware of the issues and the need to tackle them. Do your best to work on the things that were causing problems in the relationship.

The only thing which will make her come back is if she feels things will be different.

Give her the space she asks for and get help from a doctor / therapist. I know it's the last thing you 'want' to do but try and get out there and enjoy yourself as much as you can - the more positive you can be and the better head space you can get into the more likely you are to get her back.

Find meditation and gym really good when I'm down. Booked a sky diving course after breaking up with an ex before Christmas to give me something positive to look forward too.

Feeling much better about the breakup now but stting it about now having to throw myself out of a perfectly serviceable at 12,000 feet. Typical.

I'm seeing a therapist currently, it does help me to understand stuff like emotions/feelings etc which i've always suppressed due to something from childhood. My temper was a problem & that has changed dramatically, just counting to 10 helps so much, i'm a much calmer person for it.
My therapist says though that i think into stuff too much, i try to think of every possible outcome for every possible situation & in doing so i'm giving myself anxiety! Started back at the gym this week too so we'll see how that goes, it was losing my best friend, home & partner all in the space of a few hours that really hit me, i initially blamed her for it, but essentially if i'd not been like i had for months we would never be in this situation, i've tried everything so giving her the space she's asked for is literally my only option now!

[sclayto2]

theguvernor said:

My therapist says though that i think into stuff too much, i try to think of every possible outcome for every possible situation & in doing so i'm giving myself anxiety! Started back at the gym this week too so we'll see how that goes, it was losing my best friend, home & partner all in the space of a few hours that really hit me, i initially blamed her for it, but essentially if i'd not been like i had for months we would never be in this situation, i've tried everything so giving her the space she's asked for is literally my only option now!

Sounds quite similar to my own situation, TBH. If you've been bottling up and not reacting (for fear of over reacting) then she'll start to think you're an "emotional void" (which is what I got told).

From what I've read:
- Blokes want to sit down and talk it through.
- Ladies work on a much more emotional and intuitive level.

So whilst you want to sit down and work out the problem, you might as well be talking a different language. Because you're not talking her language.

So I think that the term Space, is time for her to find that emotional equilibrium and for you to deal with your issues. In essence, for the relationship, it is rock bottom and hopefully you'll get that 'moment of clarity' in the realisation of what you want and where there are issues

If you want to keep the relationship, then you need to work on establishing that emotional link back to her AS WELL as working on the issues that you're having, that is affecting your behaviour and ultimately the relationship.

I understand that I will be a better person at the end of it. But I suppose if you think of it as addiction you need to be cured of. The behaviour you've been displaying has become habitual almost addictive and you need to change that.

'She' has taken that first step for us and made us realise that there is an issue. And that is a really HARD lesson. We now need to work through our "12 Steps" and that is not going to be easy or pleasant.

[theguvernor]

sclayto2 said:

Sounds quite similar to my own situation, TBH. If you've been bottling up and not reacting (for fear of over reacting) then she'll start to think you're an "emotional void" (which is what I got told).

From what I've read:
- Blokes want to sit down and talk it through.
- Ladies work on a much more emotional and intuitive level.

So whilst you want to sit down and work out the problem, you might as well be talking a different language. Because you're not talking her language.

So I think that the term Space, is time for her to find that emotional equilibrium and for you to deal with your issues. In essence, for the relationship, it is rock bottom and hopefully you'll get that 'moment of clarity' in the realisation of what you want and where there are issues

If you want to keep the relationship, then you need to work on establishing that emotional link back to her AS WELL as working on the issues that you're having, that is affecting your behaviour and ultimately the relationship.

I understand that I will be a better person at the end of it. But I suppose if you think of it as addiction you need to be cured of. The behaviour you've been displaying has become habitual almost addictive and you need to change that.

'She' has taken that first step for us and made us realise that there is an issue. And that is a really HARD lesson. We now need to work through our "12 Steps" and that is not going to be easy or pleasant.

I basically just would bottle things up & be like 'it's fine', then the smallest thing i would explode, the therapist i see has explained that it's like taking something & putting it in a container to deal with later, if you don't deal with it, eventually the container will be full & will spill/explode, which was obviously what i was doing, i must admit & friends/family have said that i am a lot calmer now, i just take a moment & think, is it worth getting angry over, or counting to 10 helps. I don't feel so highly strung anymore or on a knife edge like i did before.
However once i had exploded previously i would immetiately feel remorse & know it was wrong.

She is going through a difficult time currently & has asked for the space, which to start with i didn't respect as i felt so lost, so i've got to go with what she says now as everything i have tried is seemingly pushing her away as i'm not giving her the space she's asked for, essentially in my own mind i would guess she's thinking, if he's not listened to me before, by him still contacting me now just proves he doesn't listen to me, so i've taken every step not to contact her now, it's literally been 3/4 days and i find it so hard.
She says she still loves me & is missing me, but i feel incredibly unloved currently!
It doesn't help i have all her birthday presents sat in my room too!
She has said she needs time & space to think about what she wants, i really hope what she wants is me

[jshell]

blindswelledrat said:

Feel terrible for you OP. You described that well and it must be a terrible situation.
I hate it when these threads come up on PH and within 2 seconds all the aholes come out of the woodwork telling you how your wife has been seeing someone else and that it is pure fact.
However, there have been so many similar threads and unfortunately in every single case they have been correct that I have seen and unfortunately your story reads exactly like that.
The out of the blueness, he having no answers as to why, and telling you that she is going to start dating. That just reads that there is already someone who she wants to make public but wants to make it appear as though she wasn't already doing it.

There is, however, light at the end of the tunnel.
In every single similar thread you fast-forwards 6 months and the wronged men are happier than they have ever been. No exceptions. However rubbish you feel now, the bottom line is despite loving her your other half is a , and youll come to realise it and get someone better.

Unusually serious for me!

A good post!

I'd only add that in many cases I've observed, or been involved in, the woman ends up in a st state and has 'real regrets' - I use inverted commas there as the only real regret is fecking it up, and knowing it!

[Granville]

Estate Agents coming tomorrow. I can't deal with this, it all seems so wrong and not only breaking my heart but it's going to break our sons heart. He's already asking questions and getting upset.

I was the same age as him when my parents split. I always vowed I'd never let him go through the same thing but I guess some things you just cannot control no matter how hard you try

[Haggleburyfinius]

Female hypergamy in action.

They are what they are. It is what it is.

[anonymous-user]

Haggleburyfinius said:

Female hypergamy in action.

They are what they are. It is what it is.

This is the reason 80% of divorces are instigated by women. I find it interesting that the men who put these women on a pedestal and did everything for them start blaming themselves for the split and start thinking about all the things they did wrong. Usually the only thing they did wrong was put the woman on a pedestal and do everything for her!

I know a lot of people have a problem with the whole Red Pill/Blue Pill Manosphere theory but having been in the same position myself I think a lot of the theory is spot on.

Anyway, 18 months ago I got the whole "I love you, but I am not in love with you" line and we split up a few weeks later. This followed a six month period where she joined a gym, lost loads of weight, bought some new clothes, started going out more, joined Facebook, everyone started telling her how great she looked and most telling of all put a lock on her phone and never let it out of her sight.

I soon found out afterwards that "I love you but I am not in love with you" actually means I am sleeping with someone else but I don't want everyone to think it is my fault.

I went through exactly what the OP is going through and could not believe there would be a time when I would ever feel normal again. Everyone told me the same things you are currently being told and I can confirm you will get over this and things will get much, much better. One day you will look back and think I am much happier and better off without her.

In situations like this, women have been planning the split for a long time and it isn't quite so out of the blue as the man seems to think. They are excited about their new life and are not thinking rationaly about what real life is like as they have probably not had to deal with it for a long time. All they can think about is all the handsome, exciting men they are going to meet, with all their friends telling them "You go girl!!". She probably read "Eat, Live, Love" before the split and thought it would happen to her. Once the novelty has worn off, the reality is a line of men who are purely interested in pump and dump and who have no real interest in her at all. Once this realisation has hit home, the options are to become bitter and single or to settle for someone who is probably more boring and Beta than the man she has actually left.

On the other hand, once the man has got back on his feet again and starts dating his confidence increases and he realises that there are a hell of a lot of women and options open to him.

Six months after our split, my ex announces her new boyfriend. Is he handsome, young, rich and good looking? No... he is way more Beta than me, older and has two children. She is finding it hard to cope with all the added things she has to worry about now (I used to do everything and pay for everything) and has started to put the weight back on.

She has also interestingly enough started messaging me saying how much she misses us and how she hopes we will be together again some day. I am not gullible enough to think she misses me, she just misses the comfortable life she had and the fact she had someone doing everything for her. As you can imagine, the thought of giving up my new life to be her option B,C or D is not really that appealing anymore.

If I were you, I would start investigating the Manosphere, if only to make you realise this was not your fault and to hopefully stop it from happening to you again.

[CharlieGee]

Well put Joey - if that doesn't cheer you up nothing will.

[firemunki]

sclayto2 said:

she'll start to think you're an "emotional void" (which is what I got told).

I believe the term I was called was an emotional midget.