Help with my mother's excessive drinking...

Help with my mother's excessive drinking...

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Landlord

Original Poster:

12,689 posts

256 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
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Hi,

I'm after canvassing opinions about what, if anything, I can do about my mum’s drinking.

As a bit of background, she’s always been partial to a drink but when still working she kept it to weekends. Once she retired she started drinking up to 5 nights per week. Red wine being the drink of choice. I thought it was too much then but it has now become worse. She now drinks 7 nights per week. Very, very rarely might she have one night off but I’d say this averages less than once a month. The upturn in her drinking coincided with my father’s death… no great surprise there in itself.

So, quantity. She drinks at least a bottle per night every night. To put this in context, she’s 67, 5’ tall and weighs, I’d guess, about 7 or 8 stone.

I have spoken to her about it and it is met with – depending on her mood – a curt dismissal a la teenage “I never asked to be born” or a plaintive “just give me a bit of time after your father”. She sees nothing wrong with the amount she drinks and plays lip service to the fact she should cut down. She also shakes, but puts this down to her age.

So – given she’s unbelievably stubborn and creatively evasive when she doesn't want to do something and that she's completely unreceptive to the idea of cutting down let alone stopping drinking, what can my sister and I do? I thought of perhaps telling her doctor, with the idea that the next time she see my mum she might gently slip it in to the conversation.

I'm aware of the school of thought that the drinker needs to want to stop/cut down/whatever but I can’t watch my mum destroy herself like this. She is still very much grieving since my father’s death in December ’14 but, despite our best efforts, resolutely refuses to get any help with it. She did contact CRUSE but because of the way they’re run, she had to wait for a volunteer to contact her. They played voicemail-tennis for a while until my mum gave up (I am in NO WAY blaming CRUSE here).

Any advice or suggestions gratefully received!

PS: She lives with us at the pub but doesn't drink “downstairs”. All her wine is bought by herself, for herself and drunk alone.

Kermit power

28,634 posts

212 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
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In what way is it ruining her life? I couldn't see that in your post?

I don't think you'll have much joy trying to get her to consider the abstract concept that she shouldn't be drinking so much just because she shouldn't be drinking so much. I reckon you'd have a far greater chance of success if you can link it to something specifically causing her issues.

Landlord

Original Poster:

12,689 posts

256 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
quotequote all
Kermit power said:
In what way is it ruining her life? I couldn't see that in your post?

I don't think you'll have much joy trying to get her to consider the abstract concept that she shouldn't be drinking so much just because she shouldn't be drinking so much. I reckon you'd have a far greater chance of success if you can link it to something specifically causing her issues.
Good question and good point! I'm not sure I have the answer. Aside from physically shaking there's no real outwardly obvious signs.

I guess I'm just going on the "that much booze can't be good for you" route. I mean, I'm by no means well versed in this stuff but doesn't the liver have an amazing capacity to keep going until pretty much the last minute? I don't really want it to get to that point. I think, at 6' 3" and "a shade over <mumbled> stone", I'd not be able to cope with that much booze every night let alone someone of her build.

The more intangible consequence, admittedly only IMHO, is that she is still very much struggling with losing my dad - of course, 6 months is no time at all given a 50 year relationship - however, I honestly believe she'd have more (any!) "better days" if she were not nursing a hangover and filling her evenings with something more than a bottle of red and repeats of "The Chase".

Kermit power

28,634 posts

212 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
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Is there anything you can distract her with? Hobbies she maybe used to be into which could be rekindled? Does she have friends who could be recruited to help by taking her out for evenings to places which don't serve booze?

deckster

9,630 posts

254 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
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Kermit power said:
Is there anything you can distract her with? Hobbies she maybe used to be into which could be rekindled? Does she have friends who could be recruited to help by taking her out for evenings to places which don't serve booze?
This is the nub of the issue. She has a hole in her life where your dad used to be and currently she's filling it with booze.

She needs to find something else to fill it with, although that's very much easier said than done. However, from what you've said then just saying 'stop drinking, it isn't good for you' won't work as she probably already knows that and currently, at a guess, doesn't very much care.

Muzzer79

9,806 posts

186 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
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Does she drink to get hammered? Or is it literally a bottle or so every night "to take the edge off"

If it's the latter, I would venture to say that's not entirely uncommon, especially after the death of a loved one.

If it's not impeding her life in any way, then I would say you have to give her a chance to get through it.

Would you say she couldn't go a day without a drink or wouldn't?

The two are very different....

JQ

5,691 posts

178 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
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Kermit power said:
Is there anything you can distract her with? Hobbies she maybe used to be into which could be rekindled? Does she have friends who could be recruited to help by taking her out for evenings to places which don't serve booze?
Since my mother died 6 years ago my 75 yr old father has taken up bowls, table tennis (a member of 2 clubs), cycling (no longer uses his car for journeys of less than 10 miles), completed about 50 of the Wainwright Walks (my mother had arthritis so was not able to do big walks) and has rekindled a number of male friendships. One chap he goes on cruises with and another he goes cycling with. He's had a couple of girlfriends but nothing has stuck.

We really pushed him into joining clubs, I paid for his membership of the Ramblers Association, and whilst at first he wasn't that keen he's really taken to them and made lots of friends. He has put a large amount of time and effort into filling his life and it's really paid off. My mother and him were joined at the hip and did absolutely everything together with no individual hobbies, hence she left a rather large hole.

Perhaps rather than directly addressing the drinking you address the hole than has not doubt been left and fill it with activities, which leads to friendships, which hopefully leads to happiness and reducing the need to drink.

Good luck.

anonymous-user

53 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
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Tell her about my mum who has just spent 12 months in and out of hospital and now has to live in in the grounds of a nursing home she is so unwell. She was 67 yesterday.

I dont envy you - various people tried it with my mum and got met with a barbed tongue. So in the end we stopped and just ignored it, spending less and less time with her.

In the end she collapsed and when she was in hospital my father died after a short and violent battle with cancer.

However if your mum is like mine she won't listen.

I like a drink, probably more than most and certainly more than is good for me but it's a bit of a lesson not to take it too far as she is fked now and has burnt a lot of bridges.

jonah35

3,940 posts

156 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
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This isn't a flippant comment but please bear with me.

People born in the 1940s often went to the pub at lunch time, had drinking sessions and were brought up before drink driving. They do not see having a drink as a big deal.

She is retired and probably enjoys this and gives her something to do. Why is it a problem?

More people than you think have a bottle of wine a night. If she enjoys it why do you want to stop it?

Also, frank as it may be, older people often think that they're closer to death anyway so why not have a drink or a smoke?

Finally, if many 30 year olds were retired they would drink more if they didn't have to get up for work etc.

I don't drink myself but why are you so bothered? Is it causing other issues?

Also, what's the point in working hard to retire if you can't do what you want, within reason? What about all the ex pats in Spain that drink every day?

jonah35

3,940 posts

156 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
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You mention your weight as an issue in that you say 'mumbled stone' . This is causing you health issues and is bad for you and you're younger than her. Why don't you set the example, become teetotal, avoid anything unhealthy and get in shape? That way you could be a role model for her. Alternatively, you may just be happy the way you are wink

thatsprettyshady

1,820 posts

164 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
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Unfortunately what has been previously said about her WANTING to give up is true from my first hand experience.

You will have to wait until she drinks herself into a problem or lands in the hospital one day for anything to change, but when that time time comes AA is an amazing resource and they will help her and never ever give up.

Don't forget there is also Al-Anon which is the helpline/group for people dealing with alcoholics and they are excellent, give them a call and they will give you far better advice than anyone here can.

http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk

020 7403 0888

Good luck.

Landlord

Original Poster:

12,689 posts

256 months

Wednesday 1st July 2015
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Thanks for the posts everyone.

The suggestion of hobbies is a valid one. Indeed, after Dad died she spoke about learning to swim (she never did as a child), going to night school and a plethora of other ideas. We gently remind her of these plans and she brushes them away with excuses and delaying tactics. She is incredibly adept at avoiding things she doesn't want to do. I know this is the answer but short of marching her to a class or whatever, there's little more we can do. Someone said they paid for their grandfather to join a club - this may be an option. A kind of obligation by stealth. It may break the deadlock and open her up to other clubs and the like.

As for the chap who suggested I become tee-total and lose weight to set an example, whilst I realise (assume) it was somewhat tongue in cheek, seriously, I'm not suggesting my mum becomes tee-total. I'd rather she drank in a moderation commensurate with her size/age/etc.

The questions as to how it's affecting her life; It's hard to describe because they are subtle and can only really be seen by those who know her very well and know her moods. Be, most pertinently, it's not the affects now, it's the affects in the future. It seems a bit short-sighted to me to say if it's not demonstrably affecting her now then it's OK. Why wait until the point of no return to say "you really should stop now"?

I think, on reflection, suggesting and supporting her taking up things to fill her evenings is the most sensible route.

Thanks again everyone for your contributions. Chin chin.

happychap

530 posts

147 months

Wednesday 1st July 2015
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I notice you mentioned that your mother has lost her partner, but you don't mention what its like to have lost your father. Without knowing how you are managing this loss, you might want to talk with your mother about how its affecting both of you. This might be a means of support for both of you and a means of your mother taking back some control of her alcohol consumption.

Landlord

Original Poster:

12,689 posts

256 months

Wednesday 1st July 2015
quotequote all
happychap said:
I notice you mentioned that your mother has lost her partner, but you don't mention what its like to have lost your father. Without knowing how you are managing this loss, you might want to talk with your mother about how its affecting both of you. This might be a means of support for both of you and a means of your mother taking back some control of her alcohol consumption.
Interesting point. We do talk to each other about it but mostly in the "I'm having a bad day today" or "Today was OK" etc. She does talk about him more and more as the drink takes hold and sometimes I just don't want to talk about it. It's really hard being a shoulder to lean on when the listener is just as affected as the talker. This is why we've encouraged her to talk to CRUSE.

I also firmly believe that her drinking and therefore hangovers are impeding her ability to "deal" with the loss of her husband which in turn makes her more likely to drink to escape. A vicious cycle.

happychap

530 posts

147 months

Wednesday 1st July 2015
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Landlord said:
Interesting point. We do talk to each other about it but mostly in the "I'm having a bad day today" or "Today was OK" etc. She does talk about him more and more as the drink takes hold and sometimes I just don't want to talk about it. It's really hard being a shoulder to lean on when the listener is just as affected as the talker. This is why we've encouraged her to talk to CRUSE.

I also firmly believe that her drinking and therefore hangovers are impeding her ability to "deal" with the loss of her husband which in turn makes her more likely to drink to escape. A vicious cycle.
I take your point about it being difficult to be supportive when maybe you need her to support you. Might be worth letting your mother know that you need her support but without the influence of the alcohol. Your mother, as well as you are in a process of coming to terms with your joint, and individual losses. Your local alcohol service usually offers support to family members of anyone who is misusing alcohol.

BoRED S2upid

19,641 posts

239 months

Wednesday 1st July 2015
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I think the start would be to try and get her to cut down a bottle a night is quite a bit for anyone but the thing is two glasses and it's only a third big glass to finish the bottle. Distraction is good as said previously. Good luck.

uber

855 posts

169 months

Friday 3rd July 2015
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The UK medical profession is not very good at dealing with this kind of stuff and due to a lack of resources its often pot luck if you have access to decent treatment options on the nhs

If there is one bit of advice I can give is please do not call any of these helpline services who claim to offer free advice from trained councillors on-line. I had the unfortunate experience of advising in this industry and its plagued by cretins who pray on the most vulnerable and try to push people into overpriced in house or residential treatment programs.

These councillors promise everything will be fine and the second question is always do you have any money, do you have credit cards, can you get a loan, refinance your house etc .... your loved one will thank you for it etc. No money and they lose interest but 95% of the calls I have heard are when people are at the last straw, begging for help and would do anything to fix the situation.