Discussion
blueg33 said:
Considered all that. Its my daughter who wants to do the a levels. We have given her options of other subjects or not doing them at all.
We haven't given the option of staying at home doing nothing, as that makes her worse.
Well, unfortunately bg33, there comes a point, and you sound like you are pretty much there, when a normal domestic situation becomes untenable.We haven't given the option of staying at home doing nothing, as that makes her worse.
That entails a residential arrangement away from the home. Initially that is tough to get your head around but it is the only way to get proper rest and for you and your wife to recover and live something like a normal life.
My son hasn`t lived full time at home for a decade or more. It simply doesn`t work.
Sorry if that sounds harsh.
blue33, is all home study off the cards due to the potential for confrontation/assaults toward your OH? (was about to suggest something like Open University or similar) - is there any way of showing your daughter how this could be an option if she could adapt, like try to sell the idea to her with the promise of a new desk, office chair or something?
blueg33 said:
Thanks, its amazing how few people actually understand, that's why I thought I would post here.
Daughter was pulled out of college last year, but she goes down hill sitting at home, college actually helps with the depression and that's why she needs to be there.
I am generally able to compartmentalise, but my wife dwells on it all 24/7. We managed to get away together without my daughter for a week in the summer, but the benefit from that was lost within a few days of being back home. If my daughter is kicked out of college I don't think my wife will cope with having her around, she is really abusive to my wife. We have raised this with camhs, and they just said if she gets violent call the police, and by the way make sure all knives in the house are locked up!
blueg33 I read your earlier post and wondered - why aren't there more support services in place? It astounds me really. Perhaps we need a PH parents of autistic children club Daughter was pulled out of college last year, but she goes down hill sitting at home, college actually helps with the depression and that's why she needs to be there.
I am generally able to compartmentalise, but my wife dwells on it all 24/7. We managed to get away together without my daughter for a week in the summer, but the benefit from that was lost within a few days of being back home. If my daughter is kicked out of college I don't think my wife will cope with having her around, she is really abusive to my wife. We have raised this with camhs, and they just said if she gets violent call the police, and by the way make sure all knives in the house are locked up!
I understand where your wife is coming from - for some reason it can often be the mum who is the focus of any aggression
Have you ever heard of NVR (Non violent resistance)? There's quite a good book at https://www.amazon.co.uk/Non-Violent-Resistance-Ap... and I know that various courses are run around the country. I recently saw the National Association of Therapeutic Parents (an organisation for children with developmental trauma/delay) advertising NVR workshops for the public (with discounts for members) and could PM you details of the organisers. My kids are still hard to parent, but learning therapeutic parenting techniques has helped reduce the worst behaviours for the most part.
blueg33 - I just spotted this and wondered if it might be useful
http://www.autism.org.uk/educationrights
Education Rights Service - Call 0808 800 4102
Leave a message on our answering service and we will call you back (free from landlines and most mobiles).
Our Education Rights Service provides impartial, confidential information, advice and support on education rights and entitlements for parents and carers of pre-school and school-age children with autism to help them get the educational support their child needs.
There's also an online form and email address on the link
http://www.autism.org.uk/educationrights
Education Rights Service - Call 0808 800 4102
Leave a message on our answering service and we will call you back (free from landlines and most mobiles).
Our Education Rights Service provides impartial, confidential information, advice and support on education rights and entitlements for parents and carers of pre-school and school-age children with autism to help them get the educational support their child needs.
There's also an online form and email address on the link
blueg33 said:
oldbanger said:
Thanks, from the write up, he sounds similar to my eldest - I wonder if she might be coaxed into watching it...
Good luck with that! With our daughter, if its our suggestion it will never happen!
My youngest's school is now referring her for the autism assessment and have had various specialists in for observations. The latest one had a questionnaire for me. The SENCO gave the letter and questionnaire to my 10 year old daughter to pass on to me, and didn't alert me that anything was coming. So she read it and chucked it away. They did then phone me the night before the visit was due to take place as I hadn't given them the consent form and said I would attend, so everything did go ahead. But, my poor daughter was absolutely hysterical the night before and again that morning, in a panic about the whole thing.
What also doesn't help is that the school has a new behaviour policy which her class have been working on - parental involvement is listed as a sanction for poor behaviour, and one of the worst sanctions to boot. Which then doesn't help us at all, as I am required to attend school regularly for her IEP etc. and my daughter is now extremely upset about people thinking she's a bad kid.
It’s great that the school are getting things moving but very poor thinking on their part. She was totally beside herself, screaming on the floor that morning, and I was lucky to get her to school at all that day.
What also doesn't help is that the school has a new behaviour policy which her class have been working on - parental involvement is listed as a sanction for poor behaviour, and one of the worst sanctions to boot. Which then doesn't help us at all, as I am required to attend school regularly for her IEP etc. and my daughter is now extremely upset about people thinking she's a bad kid.
It’s great that the school are getting things moving but very poor thinking on their part. She was totally beside herself, screaming on the floor that morning, and I was lucky to get her to school at all that day.
Edited by oldbanger on Thursday 9th November 21:31
Just caught up with this thread - we've had it easy!
Our youngest (15 next Feb) had his diagnosis (high functioning Aspergers) nearly two years ago, which we (well my wife) organised privately.
Whilst the report is interesting it, of course, makes no difference - we still have to live together. As you would expect there are many areas of varying difficulty and some really bright occasions that help redress the balance...but it's a struggle. He is unbelievably rude to his poor Mum, who is only trying to get him to complete his homework or practise his piano (he has a music scholarship dependent on continuing performance...) or any other routine task, which, if he's not in the mood, will be met with an outpouring of vitriol.
He doesn't do it to me so much as I tend to be firmer, but also I'm not on hand when the problem starts (usually). What I find curious is he can and will voice unpleasant thoughts during his outburst, but always avoids profanity.
The plus side - as others here have mentioned - is the ability in music, the information recall, enthusiasm for tech subjects, and when he's nice he's very good company (although very probing with the questions - always more questions) if you keep off politics. Not a fan of Corbyn. His main interest is alarm systems, sirens, older PC components, and washing machines!
Added to that we get the hormonal interference just to make it all more complicated.
We're hoping we've 'peaked' on the challenging behaviour (although anything is possible) and his course is now set for GCSEs in summer 2019, so he's getting to grips with the homework (gradually) and just needs to accept the morning routine better (has stopped rising in good time but normally gets away on time).
Our two older children (25 and nearly 28) had some similar traits in their day, but not as developed as the youngest. However, my Dad did display some very similar behaviour - as an adult - which reminds me (ruefully) of my youth. So it's all my fault...
As I said at top, compared to some on here we've had it easy, but it's always nice to get it off your chest.
Our youngest (15 next Feb) had his diagnosis (high functioning Aspergers) nearly two years ago, which we (well my wife) organised privately.
Whilst the report is interesting it, of course, makes no difference - we still have to live together. As you would expect there are many areas of varying difficulty and some really bright occasions that help redress the balance...but it's a struggle. He is unbelievably rude to his poor Mum, who is only trying to get him to complete his homework or practise his piano (he has a music scholarship dependent on continuing performance...) or any other routine task, which, if he's not in the mood, will be met with an outpouring of vitriol.
He doesn't do it to me so much as I tend to be firmer, but also I'm not on hand when the problem starts (usually). What I find curious is he can and will voice unpleasant thoughts during his outburst, but always avoids profanity.
The plus side - as others here have mentioned - is the ability in music, the information recall, enthusiasm for tech subjects, and when he's nice he's very good company (although very probing with the questions - always more questions) if you keep off politics. Not a fan of Corbyn. His main interest is alarm systems, sirens, older PC components, and washing machines!
Added to that we get the hormonal interference just to make it all more complicated.
We're hoping we've 'peaked' on the challenging behaviour (although anything is possible) and his course is now set for GCSEs in summer 2019, so he's getting to grips with the homework (gradually) and just needs to accept the morning routine better (has stopped rising in good time but normally gets away on time).
Our two older children (25 and nearly 28) had some similar traits in their day, but not as developed as the youngest. However, my Dad did display some very similar behaviour - as an adult - which reminds me (ruefully) of my youth. So it's all my fault...
As I said at top, compared to some on here we've had it easy, but it's always nice to get it off your chest.
Hope everyone is ok.
We’ve had a bit of progress - my youngest is on the waiting list for an assessment following a referral by the school. We have about a 30 week wait, but that will mean that the process should be starting as she moves to secondary school, which will help get things in place following the transition.
She’s at a very aspirational primary so SATs prep is already tough, they are sitting a couple of SATs papers every week, which they then have to vying home for parents to sign. To say her anxieties were already at full tilt would be putting it mildly. She has developed an intense interest in Roblocks, is starting to refuse school again and now is also lashing out at me physically.
I really don’t cate what she gets- the school she will go to doesn’t use the SATs results anyway. This is all for the school’s benefit not the child’s
We’ve had a bit of progress - my youngest is on the waiting list for an assessment following a referral by the school. We have about a 30 week wait, but that will mean that the process should be starting as she moves to secondary school, which will help get things in place following the transition.
She’s at a very aspirational primary so SATs prep is already tough, they are sitting a couple of SATs papers every week, which they then have to vying home for parents to sign. To say her anxieties were already at full tilt would be putting it mildly. She has developed an intense interest in Roblocks, is starting to refuse school again and now is also lashing out at me physically.
I really don’t cate what she gets- the school she will go to doesn’t use the SATs results anyway. This is all for the school’s benefit not the child’s
The Don of Croy said:
Just caught up with this thread - we've had it easy!
Our youngest (15 next Feb) had his diagnosis (high functioning Aspergers) nearly two years ago, which we (well my wife) organised privately.
Whilst the report is interesting it, of course, makes no difference - we still have to live together. As you would expect there are many areas of varying difficulty and some really bright occasions that help redress the balance...but it's a struggle. He is unbelievably rude to his poor Mum, who is only trying to get him to complete his homework or practise his piano (he has a music scholarship dependent on continuing performance...) or any other routine task, which, if he's not in the mood, will be met with an outpouring of vitriol.
He doesn't do it to me so much as I tend to be firmer, but also I'm not on hand when the problem starts (usually). What I find curious is he can and will voice unpleasant thoughts during his outburst, but always avoids profanity.
The plus side - as others here have mentioned - is the ability in music, the information recall, enthusiasm for tech subjects, and when he's nice he's very good company (although very probing with the questions - always more questions) if you keep off politics. Not a fan of Corbyn. His main interest is alarm systems, sirens, older PC components, and washing machines!
Added to that we get the hormonal interference just to make it all more complicated.
We're hoping we've 'peaked' on the challenging behaviour (although anything is possible) and his course is now set for GCSEs in summer 2019, so he's getting to grips with the homework (gradually) and just needs to accept the morning routine better (has stopped rising in good time but normally gets away on time).
Our two older children (25 and nearly 28) had some similar traits in their day, but not as developed as the youngest. However, my Dad did display some very similar behaviour - as an adult - which reminds me (ruefully) of my youth. So it's all my fault...
As I said at top, compared to some on here we've had it easy, but it's always nice to get it off your chest.
Homework is a bugger. I joined the National Association of Therapeutic Parents, following a rather upsetting brush with the local Mash team over the kids screaming. They advocate no homework unless the child is able to at least start it without being pushed. One thing our kids and others with developmental delays/traumas struggle with us emotional regulation - they won’t learn it at home if they are constantly clashing with their parents. Our youngest (15 next Feb) had his diagnosis (high functioning Aspergers) nearly two years ago, which we (well my wife) organised privately.
Whilst the report is interesting it, of course, makes no difference - we still have to live together. As you would expect there are many areas of varying difficulty and some really bright occasions that help redress the balance...but it's a struggle. He is unbelievably rude to his poor Mum, who is only trying to get him to complete his homework or practise his piano (he has a music scholarship dependent on continuing performance...) or any other routine task, which, if he's not in the mood, will be met with an outpouring of vitriol.
He doesn't do it to me so much as I tend to be firmer, but also I'm not on hand when the problem starts (usually). What I find curious is he can and will voice unpleasant thoughts during his outburst, but always avoids profanity.
The plus side - as others here have mentioned - is the ability in music, the information recall, enthusiasm for tech subjects, and when he's nice he's very good company (although very probing with the questions - always more questions) if you keep off politics. Not a fan of Corbyn. His main interest is alarm systems, sirens, older PC components, and washing machines!
Added to that we get the hormonal interference just to make it all more complicated.
We're hoping we've 'peaked' on the challenging behaviour (although anything is possible) and his course is now set for GCSEs in summer 2019, so he's getting to grips with the homework (gradually) and just needs to accept the morning routine better (has stopped rising in good time but normally gets away on time).
Our two older children (25 and nearly 28) had some similar traits in their day, but not as developed as the youngest. However, my Dad did display some very similar behaviour - as an adult - which reminds me (ruefully) of my youth. So it's all my fault...
As I said at top, compared to some on here we've had it easy, but it's always nice to get it off your chest.
I’ve genuinely found therapeutic parenting techniques really helpful. Life is still tough but things are no where near how they were s couple of years ago.
I wondered how everyone is getting on.
My eldest has taken a bit of a backward leap and has started school refusing again. We still get her there but she’s full on screeching, crying, and at points she’s getting quite physical. I then have to drive her as she won’t get on the bus. I work full time and this is having a massive impact on my ability to get to work on time.
The trigger seems to have been an inability to adjust back to school after the Easter break, added to the previous loss of a classmate last term, not a particularly good friend but her usual class partner. The friend has moved away. She says she doesn’t even know where the classrooms are any more.
My youngest had another 3 weeks to go until SATs and her anxiety is pretty bad too.
As a consequence I am feeling rather defeated and worn down right now. I do wonder whether medication and maybe even a special school might be the right idea.
My eldest has taken a bit of a backward leap and has started school refusing again. We still get her there but she’s full on screeching, crying, and at points she’s getting quite physical. I then have to drive her as she won’t get on the bus. I work full time and this is having a massive impact on my ability to get to work on time.
The trigger seems to have been an inability to adjust back to school after the Easter break, added to the previous loss of a classmate last term, not a particularly good friend but her usual class partner. The friend has moved away. She says she doesn’t even know where the classrooms are any more.
My youngest had another 3 weeks to go until SATs and her anxiety is pretty bad too.
As a consequence I am feeling rather defeated and worn down right now. I do wonder whether medication and maybe even a special school might be the right idea.
Edited by oldbanger on Wednesday 25th April 12:23
^^ That sounds really tough - hope you're coping OK.
We're settling into a sort of routine - he ignores any reminder that 'bedtime' might be approaching, gets lippy when we call him out on it at 22:00 then fiddles around until we're also retiring around 22:30. Come the morning no prizes for guessing who is last up and complaining they need more time in bed. Could be worse.
On a major plus side he's investigating modern apprenticeships - specifically EDF Energy - as a way to enter the adult world a little eariler and continue with tech education. It's a bit of a gamble (exchanging A levels for HNC or equivalent) but could be doable.
There's still a marked change once every few weeks - maybe a hormone rush? - and he gets totally uncompromising, but it seems to pass within a day or two. And he's growing like a weed - bigger feet than me already and only 100mm shorter.
We're settling into a sort of routine - he ignores any reminder that 'bedtime' might be approaching, gets lippy when we call him out on it at 22:00 then fiddles around until we're also retiring around 22:30. Come the morning no prizes for guessing who is last up and complaining they need more time in bed. Could be worse.
On a major plus side he's investigating modern apprenticeships - specifically EDF Energy - as a way to enter the adult world a little eariler and continue with tech education. It's a bit of a gamble (exchanging A levels for HNC or equivalent) but could be doable.
There's still a marked change once every few weeks - maybe a hormone rush? - and he gets totally uncompromising, but it seems to pass within a day or two. And he's growing like a weed - bigger feet than me already and only 100mm shorter.
Update on my daughter who is now 18.
College is a huge problem, she should be going in 2 mornings and one afternoon a week for one A level, but she misses almost every one. The collge is supposed to have sorted distance learning for her other two A level's but have reneged on that deal. This is now in the hands of OFSTED, the ESFA and the LA. The fact that college have reneged on the agreement has hit her hard in terms of depression and anxiety and we now have to keep all knives and drugs locked up again.
An EHCP has been applied for and we are awaiting the outcome.
Now she is 18, CAMHS no longer see her and she is on the waiting list for Adult mental health services, been on the list for 6 months. This break in her mental health treatment has exacerbated the problems we have at home, she is now extremely difficult, will not help around the house at all, and as above her suicidal thoughts are more frequent.
She is very difficult to live with. There are no options for alternate accommodation, pretty much no help whatsoever
College is a huge problem, she should be going in 2 mornings and one afternoon a week for one A level, but she misses almost every one. The collge is supposed to have sorted distance learning for her other two A level's but have reneged on that deal. This is now in the hands of OFSTED, the ESFA and the LA. The fact that college have reneged on the agreement has hit her hard in terms of depression and anxiety and we now have to keep all knives and drugs locked up again.
An EHCP has been applied for and we are awaiting the outcome.
Now she is 18, CAMHS no longer see her and she is on the waiting list for Adult mental health services, been on the list for 6 months. This break in her mental health treatment has exacerbated the problems we have at home, she is now extremely difficult, will not help around the house at all, and as above her suicidal thoughts are more frequent.
She is very difficult to live with. There are no options for alternate accommodation, pretty much no help whatsoever
oldbanger said:
I wondered how everyone is getting on.
My eldest has taken a bit of a backward leap and has started school refusing again. We still get her there but she’s full on screeching, crying, and at points she’s getting quite physical. I then have to drive her as she won’t get on the bus. I work full time and this is having a massive impact on my ability to get to work on time.
The trigger seems to have been an inability to adjust back to school after the Easter break, added to the previous loss of a classmate last term, not a particularly good friend but her usual class partner. The friend has moved away. She says she doesn’t even know where the classrooms are any more.
My youngest had another 3 weeks to go until SATs and her anxiety is pretty bad too.
As a consequence I am feeling rather defeated and worn down right now. I do wonder whether medication and maybe even a special school might be the right idea.
I can empathise, it can be totally draining, the problems with my daughter are having an enormous effect on my work, to the extent that I think my job is at risk. I am too tired to focus and am making mistakes that I would never normally make.My eldest has taken a bit of a backward leap and has started school refusing again. We still get her there but she’s full on screeching, crying, and at points she’s getting quite physical. I then have to drive her as she won’t get on the bus. I work full time and this is having a massive impact on my ability to get to work on time.
The trigger seems to have been an inability to adjust back to school after the Easter break, added to the previous loss of a classmate last term, not a particularly good friend but her usual class partner. The friend has moved away. She says she doesn’t even know where the classrooms are any more.
My youngest had another 3 weeks to go until SATs and her anxiety is pretty bad too.
As a consequence I am feeling rather defeated and worn down right now. I do wonder whether medication and maybe even a special school might be the right idea.
Edited by oldbanger on Wednesday 25th April 12:23
In our experience with aspergers, medication doesn't seem to help. We had a meeting with a clinical psychologist yesterday and he confirmed as much.
its a very difficult position for you, the best way for family peace is not to force the child to go to school etc, but, in th elong term is that best for the child? The less they go in, the harder it will be for them to re-start.
The Don of Croy said:
^^ That sounds really tough - hope you're coping OK.
Today things went well - maybe the worst has passed, until next time?I have backup at the moment, in the form of a very switched on au pair. I thank my lucky stars that the kids were good for the first month or so, so she knows this is a temporary blip. Plus I deal with the worst of the behaviour and leave her to deal with whatever kid is behaving ok. She is at college nearby 3 days a week, so I have her until the course finishes, at least. I was very open about the kids when we found her so she came to us with her eyes open.
I've just got myself a project car to keep myself amused. My youngest loves it, my eldest won't go anywhere near it, as it's too noisy.
The Don of Croy said:
We're settling into a sort of routine - he ignores any reminder that 'bedtime' might be approaching, gets lippy when we call him out on it at 22:00 then fiddles around until we're also retiring around 22:30. Come the morning no prizes for guessing who is last up and complaining they need more time in bed. Could be worse.
On a major plus side he's investigating modern apprenticeships - specifically EDF Energy - as a way to enter the adult world a little eariler and continue with tech education. It's a bit of a gamble (exchanging A levels for HNC or equivalent) but could be doable.
There's still a marked change once every few weeks - maybe a hormone rush? - and he gets totally uncompromising, but it seems to pass within a day or two. And he's growing like a weed - bigger feet than me already and only 100mm shorter.
I do worry as my eldest is now 14. I don't think she'd cope with A-level exams (she has a low working memory and really struggles in exam situations) so that rules out the local 6th form as they only offer A-levels. College will involve her either getting the train into a nearby city, or learning to drive (she is getting her first lesson for her birthday, thought I'd start her now to stop any build up anxieties). An apprenticeship is probably a good idea! Thanks.On a major plus side he's investigating modern apprenticeships - specifically EDF Energy - as a way to enter the adult world a little eariler and continue with tech education. It's a bit of a gamble (exchanging A levels for HNC or equivalent) but could be doable.
There's still a marked change once every few weeks - maybe a hormone rush? - and he gets totally uncompromising, but it seems to pass within a day or two. And he's growing like a weed - bigger feet than me already and only 100mm shorter.
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