Situation with parents
Discussion
Apologies for the long post but really want some advice. And, I suppose, for somebody to tell me I'm doing the right thing. Long time poster but would prefer not to post under my usual username.
Some background. My fiance and I live in London but are from another part of the UK. I've been here for four years, my fiance for two. Together for over ten years.
Over the last two years in particular, but on and off throughout our relationship, we've had an up and down relationship with my parents. When it's down, it's very, very down - intolerable and, I feel, sure to have long lasting effects on me. The causes of these often long blips are numerous but boil down, I feel, to a belief of some form of imbalance in the relationship we have with my fiance's parents, and with my parents. There are also financial concerns on their part. Additionally, my parents have had a very stressful time with property over the last two years, which worked out well - in the end, and much later than planned - leaving them with a sum to spend on a forever house.
Simultaneously my fiance and I have been planning a move back to where we're from, and to that end have bought a house there. As a result of their property dealings there were a number of comments made as we bought about the general failings of that house and how, essentially, it would never be to their liking. That said, they've been generous with time and money in helping us get it ready - as recently as a couple of weeks ago, when they made two very kind gestures.
They've now put a deposit on a house in the same, new build street as ours. We were, apparently, the last to find out - ostensibly as we were on holiday when the deposit was placed. They'd broached the subject with me a few months previously as they became increasingly concerned about being outbid on older houses and they do have a very tight budget - I said in principle it wouldn't be an issue, but to be honest I was trying to keep the peace over what I saw as a most unlikely outcome. I didn't expect they wouldn't consult us both more officially prior to making the move.
I mentioned last night to my mother that I'm a little concerned that being so close we may not have the space required to maintain the great relationship we have and asked whether they share that concern. This in response to a couple of messages asking whether we were worried about this. The message was politely worded and evinced genuine concern - it wasn't offensive.
Anyway, the response came back from my father instead - brief, terse, and stating simply they'd cancel and lose the deposit if that's how I feel. No engagement or discussion.
I feel like all the ups and downs over the last few years have been for nothing, and that we're now back to square one. That any future issues - and there will be some, particularly as they're renting while looking - will be presented as our fault. This I'm sure of.
I suppose my question to you all is this. If you'd been living 400 miles away for four years, and knew that there were relationship issues that require care and attention to manage, would you be similarly concerned about moving back and living only a few doors away? And would that concern remain even if, financially, their moving to that address probably does obviate their budget issue - albeit at the expense, I feel, of a house they'd truly want. I'm convinced they're doing this out of panic, when from my more dispassionate point of view, they shouldn't be panicking.
I've no idea what to do going forward - I haven't been able to respond to the message from my father, as I don't know what to say.
Mods - please keep in health. I feel heart broken, and my head feels like it's being squeezed. I can't sleep and our relationship, at what should be a happy time for us both - but is indubitably stressful for myriad personal and professional reasons notwithstanding this - is again under intolerable pressure. This isn't a new feeling, but it's horrible. Medication isn't the answer, as when we're not in a 'blip' I'm generally happy, though always making more of an effort than I feel I should need to.
All responses appreciated.
Some background. My fiance and I live in London but are from another part of the UK. I've been here for four years, my fiance for two. Together for over ten years.
Over the last two years in particular, but on and off throughout our relationship, we've had an up and down relationship with my parents. When it's down, it's very, very down - intolerable and, I feel, sure to have long lasting effects on me. The causes of these often long blips are numerous but boil down, I feel, to a belief of some form of imbalance in the relationship we have with my fiance's parents, and with my parents. There are also financial concerns on their part. Additionally, my parents have had a very stressful time with property over the last two years, which worked out well - in the end, and much later than planned - leaving them with a sum to spend on a forever house.
Simultaneously my fiance and I have been planning a move back to where we're from, and to that end have bought a house there. As a result of their property dealings there were a number of comments made as we bought about the general failings of that house and how, essentially, it would never be to their liking. That said, they've been generous with time and money in helping us get it ready - as recently as a couple of weeks ago, when they made two very kind gestures.
They've now put a deposit on a house in the same, new build street as ours. We were, apparently, the last to find out - ostensibly as we were on holiday when the deposit was placed. They'd broached the subject with me a few months previously as they became increasingly concerned about being outbid on older houses and they do have a very tight budget - I said in principle it wouldn't be an issue, but to be honest I was trying to keep the peace over what I saw as a most unlikely outcome. I didn't expect they wouldn't consult us both more officially prior to making the move.
I mentioned last night to my mother that I'm a little concerned that being so close we may not have the space required to maintain the great relationship we have and asked whether they share that concern. This in response to a couple of messages asking whether we were worried about this. The message was politely worded and evinced genuine concern - it wasn't offensive.
Anyway, the response came back from my father instead - brief, terse, and stating simply they'd cancel and lose the deposit if that's how I feel. No engagement or discussion.
I feel like all the ups and downs over the last few years have been for nothing, and that we're now back to square one. That any future issues - and there will be some, particularly as they're renting while looking - will be presented as our fault. This I'm sure of.
I suppose my question to you all is this. If you'd been living 400 miles away for four years, and knew that there were relationship issues that require care and attention to manage, would you be similarly concerned about moving back and living only a few doors away? And would that concern remain even if, financially, their moving to that address probably does obviate their budget issue - albeit at the expense, I feel, of a house they'd truly want. I'm convinced they're doing this out of panic, when from my more dispassionate point of view, they shouldn't be panicking.
I've no idea what to do going forward - I haven't been able to respond to the message from my father, as I don't know what to say.
Mods - please keep in health. I feel heart broken, and my head feels like it's being squeezed. I can't sleep and our relationship, at what should be a happy time for us both - but is indubitably stressful for myriad personal and professional reasons notwithstanding this - is again under intolerable pressure. This isn't a new feeling, but it's horrible. Medication isn't the answer, as when we're not in a 'blip' I'm generally happy, though always making more of an effort than I feel I should need to.
All responses appreciated.
As soon as I could I moved away from my home albeit only a short way but far enough to stop unwanted passing visits from parents say a 90 min drive. Independent young man finding my way in London.
in my 20s my views changed as I got older and my folks got more relaxed about me not being around so much and made their own lives. I married had children, there were issues over them not seeing the children as much as they wanted to.
in my 30s I then moved closer to them say within 20 mins drive.
10 years later they moved within a 10min walk of my house. All the time rebuilding, to a point, the relationship.
12 months later my mother is dead from cancer and my Dad's life has fallen apart.
So much time is wasted bickering, let them move near - if it doesn't work out, then you can move, but at least try.
they may be very useful should you have children and need a babysitter etc. They will be getting older and will want their family near.
I can't remember who said this but there is a quote (along the lines of) "I thought my father was a fool when I was 20, by the time I was 40 I was surprised how much he'd learnt".
in my 20s my views changed as I got older and my folks got more relaxed about me not being around so much and made their own lives. I married had children, there were issues over them not seeing the children as much as they wanted to.
in my 30s I then moved closer to them say within 20 mins drive.
10 years later they moved within a 10min walk of my house. All the time rebuilding, to a point, the relationship.
12 months later my mother is dead from cancer and my Dad's life has fallen apart.
So much time is wasted bickering, let them move near - if it doesn't work out, then you can move, but at least try.
they may be very useful should you have children and need a babysitter etc. They will be getting older and will want their family near.
I can't remember who said this but there is a quote (along the lines of) "I thought my father was a fool when I was 20, by the time I was 40 I was surprised how much he'd learnt".
Edited by southendpier on Thursday 11th February 09:39
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