I'm mentally broken

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funkyrobot

Original Poster:

18,789 posts

227 months

Monday 29th February 2016
quotequote all
Just had to call the docs and make an appointment. I'm seriously concerned about my mental health in relation to work.

My current job is wrecking me and is making me deeply, deeply unhappy. I'm constantly tired through odd sleeping patterns, constantly in a state of worry and have had multiple instances of wanting to turn around and just go home whilst driving to work. Dare I say it, the front end of a lorry has seemed inviting on a few occasions.

I have a wonderful home life, thankfully. Without that, I would be in serious trouble.

I've seeing a doctor this afternoon as I know the symptoms of anxiety attacks. I had a period a few years ago where I was really, really low. Anxiety had dragged me down and I was becoming a terrible person to live with. I wasn't angry or violent, I have never been so. I would just lock myself away and my fiancée was getting really concerned about where I was heading.

I was put on a course of class sessions to talk about anxiety, what it does to you and how you can attempt to combat it. However, everything I learned on that course doesn't seem to help when it comes to my current job setup. I broke down last week before work and cried and cried.

I have called in sick today as I simply couldn't face work. So, rather than waste the time I'm going to use it to see a professional and see if I can get some help.

Apparently, I am ok at my job. I'm getting work done and I have made a difference in the last year and a half I have been there. However, it's making me terribly worried, making me doubt myself every day and is hitting me hard emotionally.

Along with the normal working day, I'm also expected to be on call from around 6am until I get into the office, and from when I leave until 10pm at night. I'm pretty much running the job on my own (apart from when trying to use unreliable external contractors).

Some may question my post and state that this is part of working life and stress is normal. However, I have worked for a long time now and I have never had this level of anxiety before.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

Thanks all.

Edited by funkyrobot on Monday 29th February 09:45

227bhp

10,203 posts

127 months

Monday 29th February 2016
quotequote all
Post back with what the doc says, not before.
Oh and go take a look at the depression thread while you're waiting.
Good luck.

944fan

4,962 posts

184 months

Monday 29th February 2016
quotequote all
There is also an anxiety thread running alongside the depression one.

I have been feeling very similar to you recently. I have not been signed off by the Drs but have had the odd day off when I just can't face it. I have also had that thought about sticking the car in the ditch. Not to end it, but enough to get me out of having to face work for a bit.

I have also been through the breaking down and crying uncontrollably.

GP is a good place to start. There are lots of options. Anti depressants, counselling, lots of self help. It will take time to sort this but it is something that you can sort.

Self help is worth looking at. For me for example, drink booze makes my symptoms a lot, lot worse. No drinking and plenty of exercise for me helps a lot. Although it doesn't solve it.

Plenty of people on here in the two threads mentioned that have had and have similar so lots of things to read and people to talk to here.


AndStilliRise

2,295 posts

115 months

Monday 29th February 2016
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Can't help a great deal but i do hope you get it sorted.

FredClogs

14,041 posts

160 months

Monday 29th February 2016
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I've been there many years ago, it's the reason I started contracting and gave up salaried permie work. Stress isn't, as many people think, about being overly busy, it's about a loss of control - which is what leads to the anxiety. You should know yourself better than anyone, you sound self aware enough to be able to sort this but you have to take action - now. You can get out or you can find a way to cope, it's entirely dependent on what you want or are able to do, first thing you need to do is be honest with your employers, boss and honest with yourself, even if you can afford to push the trapdoor on this job and get out it may not be the best thing to do, but there's no real advice I or anyone can give, like I said this kind of stress and anxiety is about loosing control and you'll over come it by taking back control.

DSLiverpool

14,670 posts

201 months

Monday 29th February 2016
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I have not been in this situation BUT you have 18 months service, can you hold it together for another 6 to get to the magic 2 years when you can have more leverage over your workload and position?
Apologies if thats a stupid idea but I have not been experienced this, one job I had that did my head in I left as soon as possible.

funkyrobot

Original Poster:

18,789 posts

227 months

Monday 29th February 2016
quotequote all
Thanks everyone for the helpful comments.

I shall post back here after I have been to the docs.

I see I'm not alone with this.

R8Steve

4,150 posts

174 months

Monday 29th February 2016
quotequote all
I experienced exactly this many years ago and what you are feeling, especially the travelling to work part, is exactly how i felt then.

I went through this for about a year and a half and although the advice to go to the doctors, etc is good advice it is a lot easier to change job, trust me on this.

I had started to think, like you, that there was a bigger issue and that it was me that was broken. I wasn't, it was just a work atmosphere like yours appears to be dragging me down and with the amount of time you spend there it's easy for this to start affecting you 24 hours a day...and it sucks, big time!

In the end i went for an interview and the second i heard that i had got that position the doom lifted, instantly, and has never returned since.

You're fighting a losing battle trying to fight how you feel if you remain in the environment you're in in my opinion. Get looking for a new job asap, i wish i'd done it a lot earlier than i did!

Hope it all works out for you whatever you decide.

Hammer67

5,706 posts

183 months

Monday 29th February 2016
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I was where you are 3 years ago, and what FredClogs posted about loss of control is spot on. Fortunately, for me, I never got to the stage of seeing a Dr but I probably should have.

I got out, started up my own business. I'm skint, no longer drive around in new cars, have had to make some deep financial cuts but I'm in control, no pressure from anyone except myself. Within reason I can do whatever I want, whenever I want.

No more commuting, no more WTF phone calls from the MD, no more Monday morning feelings, no more work emails 24/7, no more staff fkwittery, no more missed holidays, no more working over Xmas or weekends etc etc etc.

Sadly, it took me nearly 30 working years to get here, should have jumped years ago.

Good luck OP, I know what I'd do in your shoes. See above.

Northbloke

643 posts

218 months

Monday 29th February 2016
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Yes had similar years ago and agree with much of the above.

I decided no point staying in an environment doing my head in so made my mind up to leave whatever. Once you do that then much of the stress drops away (being back in control?) whilst you plan your next steps.

Depending on your financial situation you may have to stay for a while whilst you find alternative employment. But get yourself in order (eat well, exercise), reassess what you want in life and move on even if it means dropping down financially for a while.

If you can get past the US TV evangelist nature of Tony Robbins then his book "Awaken the Giant Within" is a good read for this situation. A mate lent me a copy when I was going through this and I found it helpful to get yourself out of the rut. As he says these negative emotions are a wake up call to move on and do something different and better. In 6 months you'll wonder why you put up with it for so long.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r03L0NsFmiM


richard_86

8 posts

97 months

Monday 29th February 2016
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You're not broken and you're far from alone. I'm going through something similar. I don't have a particularly stressful job, but I do have a very dull one and I get anxious about other things, particularly social or relationship stuff. To be honest, I think most of it is in my head rather than actual problems. I, similarly, have called in sick, turned up late a lot and really struggled to concentrate for a while.

A number of things have helped me:

exercise definitely cheers me up for the next few days, a long bike ride particularly!

Mindfulness meditation - I use the headspace app. I'm not sure I believe all the hype, but there are packs on anxiety and depression, and I feel lovely and calm after a session.

Antidepressants - I was never keen on taking them before December last year, but things got a bit worse and I think they really have helped.

Counselling - I've been seeing a counselor for the last couple of months, and it has helped me put a few things in perspective and think things through. I think a lot of us lack the language to talk about these problems.

Also, talking to my friends, it's amazing that so many people have actually had these problems and found themselves going through a course of therapy or taken antidepressants. I think the key is to accept that sometimes you feel a bit crap and look to what you can do to improve things and move forward, rather than beating yourself up about it. It does get better.

Good luck!

vanordinaire

3,701 posts

161 months

Monday 29th February 2016
quotequote all
Me too!
I fought it for over 2 years, but eventually gave up and walked out of my job six months ago. I thought like some of the other posters here that I'd be fine as soon as I got away from the cause of my anxiety/depression, but I was too far gone and I'm only now starting to get back to 'normal'.
I now think of it as being like a sprained ankle . The longer you keep going , the harder it will be to heal. There are tools to help you keep going, just like a crutch would help you carry on walking with a sprained ankle, but if you don't stop or change what you are doing, in the long term it will get worse.


Ali Chappussy

876 posts

144 months

Monday 29th February 2016
quotequote all
funkyrobot said:
I have a wonderful home life, thankfully. Without that, I would be in serious trouble.
Sounds like you are in serious trouble as you quoted the front end of a lorry.

Trust me, this is not the answer. I have first hand experience of what happens when someone decides to do this and it aint pleasant. Get professional medical help and with the love of your family (and it sounds like you have a great home life) you will get through this but please DO NOT think about hurling yourself under a lorry.....end of the preach!

Good luck.

R8Steve

4,150 posts

174 months

Monday 29th February 2016
quotequote all
Ali Chappussy said:
funkyrobot said:
I have a wonderful home life, thankfully. Without that, I would be in serious trouble.
Sounds like you are in serious trouble as you quoted the front end of a lorry.

Trust me, this is not the answer. I have first hand experience of what happens when someone decides to do this and it aint pleasant. Get professional medical help and with the love of your family (and it sounds like you have a great home life) you will get through this but please DO NOT think about hurling yourself under a lorry.....end of the preach!

Good luck.
I don't think the OP means this in a way in which he wants to hurt himself, more in a way of if that happened he wouldn't have had to go to work!

At the height of my situation the same as the OP's i would have welcomed any natural disaster/accident/etc that meant i didn't have to go to work that day. I certainly never wanted any of these things to hurt me though. The mind works in strange ways sometimes, i can laugh thinking back on it now but it definitely wasn't funny at the time.

PurpleTurtle

6,938 posts

143 months

Monday 29th February 2016
quotequote all
OP, this leaps out of your post to me:

My current job is wrecking me and is making me deeply, deeply unhappy. I'm constantly tired through odd sleeping patterns, constantly in a state of worry and have had multiple instances of wanting to turn around and just go home whilst driving to work.

Clearly you feel trapped in your job. Could it be changed? Either your role within your current employer, or leaving altogether. Is that an option at all?

I've known many people over the years with varying degress of the work-related issues you describe, you are most definitely not alone. Some employers bend over backwards to make positive changes, others do nothing. Which one is yours? I am guessing, due to the nature of your post, they are tending more towards the latter?

Ask yourself if things could realistically change there? If not are you able to go elsewhere, other commitments (salary, location etc) permitting?

Please don't do anything drastic. I had a friend of 35yrs kill himself in November, none of the 200+ people who turned up at his funeral had any idea he was similarly troubled, we are all still asking ourselves why he did it, missing him greatly. You've had the strength to recognise it as a problem, and to seek professional help, two massive steps. Your family and friends need you, and I expect none of them would want you to carry on being miserable in a job you don't like.

CubanPete

3,630 posts

187 months

Monday 29th February 2016
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I suffered from this, anxiety rather than depression, all caused through a change of boss at work (same role). Happy home life, but bullying boss really screwed me up. An internal transfer at work, new (decent) manager, similar role, some CBT lessons, and all became well again. It did take a while though before everything settled.

227bhp

10,203 posts

127 months

Monday 29th February 2016
quotequote all
PurpleTurtle said:
OP, this leaps out of your post to me:

My current job is wrecking me and is making me deeply, deeply unhappy. I'm constantly tired through odd sleeping patterns, constantly in a state of worry and have had multiple instances of wanting to turn around and just go home whilst driving to work.

Clearly you feel trapped in your job. Could it be changed? Either your role within your current employer, or leaving altogether. Is that an option at all?

I've known many people over the years with varying degress of the work-related issues you describe, you are most definitely not alone. Some employers bend over backwards to make positive changes, others do nothing. Which one is yours? I am guessing, due to the nature of your post, they are tending more towards the latter?

Ask yourself if things could realistically change there? If not are you able to go elsewhere, other commitments (salary, location etc) permitting?

Please don't do anything drastic. I had a friend of 35yrs kill himself in November, none of the 200+ people who turned up at his funeral had any idea he was similarly troubled, we are all still asking ourselves why he did it, missing him greatly. You've had the strength to recognise it as a problem, and to seek professional help, two massive steps. Your family and friends need you, and I expect none of them would want you to carry on being miserable in a job you don't like.
OPs job thread here: http://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&a...

PurpleTurtle

6,938 posts

143 months

Monday 29th February 2016
quotequote all
227bhp said:
PurpleTurtle said:
OP, this leaps out of your post to me:

My current job is wrecking me and is making me deeply, deeply unhappy. I'm constantly tired through odd sleeping patterns, constantly in a state of worry and have had multiple instances of wanting to turn around and just go home whilst driving to work.

Clearly you feel trapped in your job. Could it be changed? Either your role within your current employer, or leaving altogether. Is that an option at all?

I've known many people over the years with varying degress of the work-related issues you describe, you are most definitely not alone. Some employers bend over backwards to make positive changes, others do nothing. Which one is yours? I am guessing, due to the nature of your post, they are tending more towards the latter?

Ask yourself if things could realistically change there? If not are you able to go elsewhere, other commitments (salary, location etc) permitting?

Please don't do anything drastic. I had a friend of 35yrs kill himself in November, none of the 200+ people who turned up at his funeral had any idea he was similarly troubled, we are all still asking ourselves why he did it, missing him greatly. You've had the strength to recognise it as a problem, and to seek professional help, two massive steps. Your family and friends need you, and I expect none of them would want you to carry on being miserable in a job you don't like.
OPs job thread here: http://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&a...
OP, why not look for a job as an IT Manager somewhere else?

Sorry to sound blunt, but your job thread sounds as if either the company you work for is badly run, or you just aren't cut out to be an IT Manager? If you give IT Management a go elsewhere, and face the same isssues, perhaps it's not for you?

I've done 20yrs in IT as a Contractor (techie) and recognise many of the things you describe on that thread, but fortunately don't have to deal with them myself, because many years ago I made the conscious decision that anything with 'Manager' in the title involved a putting up with other people's st to a certain extent(from above or below). Really not for me.

You sound to me like a classic case of a techie that has followed a career path into management but doesn't actually enjoy management. Easy solution to that: get technical again.


funkyrobot

Original Poster:

18,789 posts

227 months

Monday 29th February 2016
quotequote all
PurpleTurtle said:
OP, why not look for a job as an IT Manager somewhere else?

Sorry to sound blunt, but your job thread sounds as if either the company you work for is badly run, or you just aren't cut out to be an IT Manager? If you give IT Management a go elsewhere, and face the same isssues, perhaps it's not for you?

I've done 20yrs in IT as a Contractor (techie) and recognise many of the things you describe on that thread, but fortunately don't have to deal with them myself, because many years ago I made the conscious decision that anything with 'Manager' in the title involved a putting up with other people's st to a certain extent(from above or below). Really not for me.

You sound to me like a classic case of a techie that has followed a career path into management but doesn't actually enjoy management. Easy solution to that: get technical again.

smile

It could well be me. It's the first time I've had any job title with the word 'management' in. I was originally hired to work on a new system implementation, with looking after the IT on the side. My job title shouldn't even be manager related as my boss didn't know what else to label it as. It should really be coordinator, analyst or something like that.

It could also be the way the company is run. It's an absolute shambles really. The company turns over a lot of work, but makes hardly any profit. There are people who milk the system, people who take the pee and people who literally pee money out of the door. The place reminds me of a badly run public sector organisation that has the dinosaurs and upper tier of management creaming everything off, whilst the rest run around trying to make do with pittance.

I also have a very odd setup with my boss. He a financial based, was apparently one of the highest scoring in the country with his exams, has his finger in a lot of pies and thinks that he knows everything. Despite hiring me as a manager, he refers to me as his 'boy' (so I have been reliably informed), pretty much interferes in everything I do, overrides everything I do to the point where people just try to argue with me and go around me because he panders to their needs, and kicks off when I plan to take holiday as he may need some time off at a similar point. Most of all though, he is very weak and if I have to be assertive, he overrules me. He panders to our external support companies (so they treat us like crap), he won't let me seek alternatives or even try to make things more efficient in terms of suppliers etc, and he won't back me up.

He gave me a bking a few weeks ago because one of his 'mates' (another manager) smashed his phone. I ordered a new one, provided assistance with backing up private pictures off the work device (yes), and left he chap to it as he wanted to try it himself and then pass on the old work device to his son, free of charge. When I told my manager about the situation, he said bks to him as we had enough work to do.

The chap gave it a few days and then, out of the blue, kicked off about the phone. He basically said I hadn't helped and if I didn't do anything now, he would keep the old phone and take it on a business trip. If it broke, then I would be in trouble. Rather than support me and re-iterate what I had done, my manager bked me and questioned why I hadn't fixed the phone sooner. This was less than 24 hours after he said bks about the situation. Odd indeed.

So, it could be me or it could well be the place. We'll see. Off to docs now. smile

xjay1337

15,966 posts

117 months

Monday 29th February 2016
quotequote all
Sorry to hear about your hardships mr robot.
Let us know what happens after speaking to the professional you are going to see.

I would suggest leaving your company and doing something else.
Work is a huge part of life and how you feel in work can make you feel positive (or negative) outside of work too.