Emotional eating and being unlucky in life?
Discussion
I'm not planning on running off to New York straight away but the idea of someday moving there definitely appeals. There's nothing in France to keep me here in the long term. In the short term i'm focusing on my children and making sure i'm there for them, but in the back of my mind i know one day that both will be grown up and leave the nest. The thought of being stuck in the same town where my ex now has the family home, where all our joint friends have all turned their backs on me, and where i've got absolutely zero chance of having a better job fills me with a sense of dread.
I kept telling myself that i've got to find a way out. Changing careers at 50 is more feasible in the UK/USA than here in France where you train for a job for life.
I know that i need to break out of my confort zone but to do that scares me to death. Little voices keep telling me that i haven't achieved anything in life, which is why i'm stuck in a dead end job ( one that i love doing) having to accept a crap salary just so that i can keep on seeing my daughter.
The key word is CONFIDENCE.
I have this urge to change my life and physically move away from my past. Everytime i panic and end up finding excusses not to do anything.
I just don't know where to start. Probably the best option is to continue in the educational field, since i've been working in that area for the past 25 years. I'm passionate about history, i love meeting new people, feel at ease in public, i adore telling stories, although i'm essentially a loner rather than a team player ( i'm happy working in a team but like to be given freedom to do things my way, and i especially detest receiving orders from authoritarian but incompetent individuals).
France is perfect if you're after a quiet family life, where everything is provided, but where you're expected to train and get qualified for one career and do that in the same company for the rest of your life.
France is messed up economically because more and more of the French are on the scrapheap at 45/50 and haven't got a chance in hell of doing anything else. The American attitude that you keep failling until you finally succeed, that anythings possible with hard graft and a bit of luck is the complete opposite of the French way of doing things.
The whole system here is designed to keep the workers happy in their confort zones. Any desire to break out from the mould, to try something different is stiffled and suffocated with red tape, working practices and people's total indifference!
The digital age is going to change many people's working lives in the next 10-20 years, and i feel that i don't have any skills to make me employable to other prospective employers.
I feel like there's a whole world out there to explore which loads of people are out there taking advantage of, except me.
Ok i'm moaning again so i'll stop that right away.
Any ideas on where i start?
I kept telling myself that i've got to find a way out. Changing careers at 50 is more feasible in the UK/USA than here in France where you train for a job for life.
I know that i need to break out of my confort zone but to do that scares me to death. Little voices keep telling me that i haven't achieved anything in life, which is why i'm stuck in a dead end job ( one that i love doing) having to accept a crap salary just so that i can keep on seeing my daughter.
The key word is CONFIDENCE.
I have this urge to change my life and physically move away from my past. Everytime i panic and end up finding excusses not to do anything.
I just don't know where to start. Probably the best option is to continue in the educational field, since i've been working in that area for the past 25 years. I'm passionate about history, i love meeting new people, feel at ease in public, i adore telling stories, although i'm essentially a loner rather than a team player ( i'm happy working in a team but like to be given freedom to do things my way, and i especially detest receiving orders from authoritarian but incompetent individuals).
France is perfect if you're after a quiet family life, where everything is provided, but where you're expected to train and get qualified for one career and do that in the same company for the rest of your life.
France is messed up economically because more and more of the French are on the scrapheap at 45/50 and haven't got a chance in hell of doing anything else. The American attitude that you keep failling until you finally succeed, that anythings possible with hard graft and a bit of luck is the complete opposite of the French way of doing things.
The whole system here is designed to keep the workers happy in their confort zones. Any desire to break out from the mould, to try something different is stiffled and suffocated with red tape, working practices and people's total indifference!
The digital age is going to change many people's working lives in the next 10-20 years, and i feel that i don't have any skills to make me employable to other prospective employers.
I feel like there's a whole world out there to explore which loads of people are out there taking advantage of, except me.
Ok i'm moaning again so i'll stop that right away.
Any ideas on where i start?
Edited by rosbif77 on Friday 21st October 15:05
Absolutely bloody depressed today. I feel like i'm on one of those huge roller coasters!!
Yesterday i was bursting with positive vibes and now i feel like chucking everything in !
The reason?
I took the advice of ELUSIVEJIM and sent my dad a letter la couple of weeks ago, laying out all my thoughts, feelings, emotions about my life, my relationship with him and basically to get everything off my chest.
He phoned me this morning. I told me that i've completely wasted my life, my education ( which he spent a fortune on!!!), that i chose to move to France, get married here, have kids here, and all that despite him telling me not to do any of those because he knew it would all go wrong eventually. I ignored his advice, chose to leave my country of birth, and therefore he 'washed his hands of me' ( his own words).
My sister, on the other hand, according to him, chose to settle down in her home town and has worked her guts of to achieve a fantastic life with no outside help. This conveniently ignores the fact that my sister was allowed to leave school at 16 with minimum 'O' levels, dropped out of 6th form, moved in with her boyfriend at 18, dad financed her 'shopping' till she was 21, then gave her several cash lump sums to buy her first house, buy 2 other properties, and advised her on how to maximise her rental properties. She's never had a stable job in her life, lives of her rental income, and spends her days watching US TV series and Premier League match re-runs!!! My dad just blew his top when i mentioned all this and told me that my university education had cost him a bloody fortune ( i got a small grant so my dad had to legally make up the difference, and i worked my socks off every Summer to earn extra money), and that my degree was useless for a stable career!!
The conversation got more heated and finally the real reason for his attitude towards me came out:
' i never wanted kids but your mum came off the pill and you turned up. She never told me till it was too late. We couldn't afford you then so we had to really cut back on things after you were born. Off course once we had one boy your mum wanted a second so i had to go along with it!!! That really changed our lives'!!!!!
He continued, ' your grandparents( on my mum's side) never did anything constructive with their lives. You take after your grand dad who wasted his money on cars, holidays and living for today. You're just the same. You never planned for your future. I told you not to move to France, i told you i couldn't trust your new MIL, but no, you ignored me, so from that day on you were on your own!!!'
He continued' ' What do you think it was like to cycle home for lunch and find your dad with his head blown off lying on the cycle path in front of you? I had to call the police and wait by him till they arrived. I had to identify him at the morgue because my mum was distraught. No one looked after me then. Back then you just got on with your life. What about all those burnt and dismembered bomber crews i saw through the wire of the US air force base? ( during WW2)You've never had to cut a mans throat, or blow someone's head off , or kill someone with a rock ( his military service in Suez/Aden), just to get out alive'
He then brought up the subject of his age ( 86) and will. He stated that in his will my sister and i won't be getting 90% ( his share of the combined capital) but the step mother decided it was better that overtime one of her nieces has a baby that child will inherit a share. On my stepmother's side of the family all her nieces received cash from their well off parents to get on the property ladder, their kids have always treated 'auntie' ( the step mum) as a mobile bank account and regularly get holidays paid for, designer clothes bought, new cars paid for in cash. My dad won't even stand up for sister and me.
Before my dad got married to my future step mum he sold up fthe large family home in the New Forest for a sizable sum, cashed in numerous life insurance policies, sold up his shares, sold his cars,and all the savings accounts he had set up for my sister and i when we were young were closed. All that added up to an estimated £1.3 million back in the mid 1990's. A huge sum back then. My step mum did the same but she only had her own small cottage. ( worth about £100000 in 1995)
Together they bought a nice bungalow and since then have enjoyed their retirement together. I was happy for my dad to have found someone else after my mum died, and i was contented that they've travelled a lot and enjoyed life.
My bone of contention is that the step mum's nieces and their children have had their confortable, extravagant lifestyles funded from the joint investments of my dad and step mum. My dad told me he put in 90% of the joint invested capital, he bought half a dozen flats to rent out, and even financed one of the step mum's friend's web business.
That means he's indirectly buying new cars, designer clothes, paying for housing deposits for the step mum's nieces, all the time telling me to get off my backside, stop moaning and stop wasting my life. Oh i forgot. Each of my step mum's nieces ( 4) have all got married to the 'wrong type', got divorced, all dropped out of higher education, and all were protected from the harsh realities of life by frequent generous cash handouts from my dad and step mum.
When i got divorced back in Feb 2015 my dad sent me a £20 Marks and Spencers gift voucher which he told me to spend on 'something nice'. At the same time he paid for a luxury trip to California for the step mum's 'favourite' niece and then bought her a new Mini Cooper when she got back. Last year they gave the said niece £50000 as deposit on a new build!
My dad angrily told me that this niece deserved every penny she received because she had been through a hellish divorce, was a lovely person, whereas i left my country of birth therefore deserved nothing.
He finally told me that there were 10 people listed on the will to inherit when he eventually passes away ( me, my sister, the aforementioned 4 step mum's nieces, and 4 of their children). He has now changed the will. My share will go to my sister!
The reason? This is what i was told:
' You've always had it good. I looked after you when you were young. I sent you to a good school. You got bullied because you allowed yourself to be bullied. You were weak. You studied for a rubbish degree at university ( history/English). You never held down a stable job. You could've had a career in England but you chose to get married to a Frenchwoman and emigrate. You then chose to have two children born in France, who aren't English. Finally, you obviously did something wrong otherwise your wife wouldn't have gone off with another man. Finally, you're just like your mum, who frankly never did anything with her life. Don't expect me to fund your future life!'
I don't know how a parent can have this attitude towards their own child. I keep wondering what went wrong, what did i do to deserve these words, why i've always been treated differently compared to my sister, and why my dad has never once recognized what i went through at school, how despite all the ups and downs in my life so far, he's never congratulated me once on how well i've brought up my own children, or why he's never once been able to say that he loved me!!!!
Thanks for reading to the end. This was a very tough post to write. I've got no idea how i'm going to get over what my dad said to me!
Yesterday i was bursting with positive vibes and now i feel like chucking everything in !
The reason?
I took the advice of ELUSIVEJIM and sent my dad a letter la couple of weeks ago, laying out all my thoughts, feelings, emotions about my life, my relationship with him and basically to get everything off my chest.
He phoned me this morning. I told me that i've completely wasted my life, my education ( which he spent a fortune on!!!), that i chose to move to France, get married here, have kids here, and all that despite him telling me not to do any of those because he knew it would all go wrong eventually. I ignored his advice, chose to leave my country of birth, and therefore he 'washed his hands of me' ( his own words).
My sister, on the other hand, according to him, chose to settle down in her home town and has worked her guts of to achieve a fantastic life with no outside help. This conveniently ignores the fact that my sister was allowed to leave school at 16 with minimum 'O' levels, dropped out of 6th form, moved in with her boyfriend at 18, dad financed her 'shopping' till she was 21, then gave her several cash lump sums to buy her first house, buy 2 other properties, and advised her on how to maximise her rental properties. She's never had a stable job in her life, lives of her rental income, and spends her days watching US TV series and Premier League match re-runs!!! My dad just blew his top when i mentioned all this and told me that my university education had cost him a bloody fortune ( i got a small grant so my dad had to legally make up the difference, and i worked my socks off every Summer to earn extra money), and that my degree was useless for a stable career!!
The conversation got more heated and finally the real reason for his attitude towards me came out:
' i never wanted kids but your mum came off the pill and you turned up. She never told me till it was too late. We couldn't afford you then so we had to really cut back on things after you were born. Off course once we had one boy your mum wanted a second so i had to go along with it!!! That really changed our lives'!!!!!
He continued, ' your grandparents( on my mum's side) never did anything constructive with their lives. You take after your grand dad who wasted his money on cars, holidays and living for today. You're just the same. You never planned for your future. I told you not to move to France, i told you i couldn't trust your new MIL, but no, you ignored me, so from that day on you were on your own!!!'
He continued' ' What do you think it was like to cycle home for lunch and find your dad with his head blown off lying on the cycle path in front of you? I had to call the police and wait by him till they arrived. I had to identify him at the morgue because my mum was distraught. No one looked after me then. Back then you just got on with your life. What about all those burnt and dismembered bomber crews i saw through the wire of the US air force base? ( during WW2)You've never had to cut a mans throat, or blow someone's head off , or kill someone with a rock ( his military service in Suez/Aden), just to get out alive'
He then brought up the subject of his age ( 86) and will. He stated that in his will my sister and i won't be getting 90% ( his share of the combined capital) but the step mother decided it was better that overtime one of her nieces has a baby that child will inherit a share. On my stepmother's side of the family all her nieces received cash from their well off parents to get on the property ladder, their kids have always treated 'auntie' ( the step mum) as a mobile bank account and regularly get holidays paid for, designer clothes bought, new cars paid for in cash. My dad won't even stand up for sister and me.
Before my dad got married to my future step mum he sold up fthe large family home in the New Forest for a sizable sum, cashed in numerous life insurance policies, sold up his shares, sold his cars,and all the savings accounts he had set up for my sister and i when we were young were closed. All that added up to an estimated £1.3 million back in the mid 1990's. A huge sum back then. My step mum did the same but she only had her own small cottage. ( worth about £100000 in 1995)
Together they bought a nice bungalow and since then have enjoyed their retirement together. I was happy for my dad to have found someone else after my mum died, and i was contented that they've travelled a lot and enjoyed life.
My bone of contention is that the step mum's nieces and their children have had their confortable, extravagant lifestyles funded from the joint investments of my dad and step mum. My dad told me he put in 90% of the joint invested capital, he bought half a dozen flats to rent out, and even financed one of the step mum's friend's web business.
That means he's indirectly buying new cars, designer clothes, paying for housing deposits for the step mum's nieces, all the time telling me to get off my backside, stop moaning and stop wasting my life. Oh i forgot. Each of my step mum's nieces ( 4) have all got married to the 'wrong type', got divorced, all dropped out of higher education, and all were protected from the harsh realities of life by frequent generous cash handouts from my dad and step mum.
When i got divorced back in Feb 2015 my dad sent me a £20 Marks and Spencers gift voucher which he told me to spend on 'something nice'. At the same time he paid for a luxury trip to California for the step mum's 'favourite' niece and then bought her a new Mini Cooper when she got back. Last year they gave the said niece £50000 as deposit on a new build!
My dad angrily told me that this niece deserved every penny she received because she had been through a hellish divorce, was a lovely person, whereas i left my country of birth therefore deserved nothing.
He finally told me that there were 10 people listed on the will to inherit when he eventually passes away ( me, my sister, the aforementioned 4 step mum's nieces, and 4 of their children). He has now changed the will. My share will go to my sister!
The reason? This is what i was told:
' You've always had it good. I looked after you when you were young. I sent you to a good school. You got bullied because you allowed yourself to be bullied. You were weak. You studied for a rubbish degree at university ( history/English). You never held down a stable job. You could've had a career in England but you chose to get married to a Frenchwoman and emigrate. You then chose to have two children born in France, who aren't English. Finally, you obviously did something wrong otherwise your wife wouldn't have gone off with another man. Finally, you're just like your mum, who frankly never did anything with her life. Don't expect me to fund your future life!'
I don't know how a parent can have this attitude towards their own child. I keep wondering what went wrong, what did i do to deserve these words, why i've always been treated differently compared to my sister, and why my dad has never once recognized what i went through at school, how despite all the ups and downs in my life so far, he's never congratulated me once on how well i've brought up my own children, or why he's never once been able to say that he loved me!!!!
Thanks for reading to the end. This was a very tough post to write. I've got no idea how i'm going to get over what my dad said to me!
Edited by rosbif77 on Saturday 22 October 15:06
Hi mate.
Well at least you got the answers about why he is the way he is due to what he has seen during the War. This is why he is so messed up.
Now if he is as messed up as he seems do you really want to take advice from someone who is suffering from mental health issues?
It was not your fault you were born. If he was worried he would have covered his own gun to prevent any chance of a baby.
Your father has a massive chip on his shoulder. Yes what he experienced was terrible but taking it out on you is worse.
He should want to protect you now take you down.
I have said before you do not need this man in your life but that is up to you. I am sure you feel you have a duty to stay in contact.
Vile man.
As it was mentioned above don't think about his will. Think about getting nothing so you will not be disappointed when it comes to that day. Him being out of your life will be enough reason to celebrate.
Your trip to NY sounds like the best happy pill you could have taken. Continue to think of this positive nature rather than looking at the negative of your father/ex etc.
They want to tell you that you have failed and listening to them will only make you fail.
Regarding what you could do job wise why be so worried? Just get out of the situation and work it out after that. The longer you stay in your current situation the worse you will feel. You are 50 years old. Don't get to 65 and think what if.
If a NY fireman can recover from 9/11 and start a successful business then you can do this too. Money means nothing. Be happy and do something you would enjoy.
You could teach kids privately. Many parents will spend a small fortune to help their kids get better results.
If not open a small cafe. Anything.
Hold on to the positives from NY. This shows you how good life can be if you take the steps to change things.
Think of YOU now.
Well at least you got the answers about why he is the way he is due to what he has seen during the War. This is why he is so messed up.
Now if he is as messed up as he seems do you really want to take advice from someone who is suffering from mental health issues?
It was not your fault you were born. If he was worried he would have covered his own gun to prevent any chance of a baby.
Your father has a massive chip on his shoulder. Yes what he experienced was terrible but taking it out on you is worse.
He should want to protect you now take you down.
I have said before you do not need this man in your life but that is up to you. I am sure you feel you have a duty to stay in contact.
Vile man.
As it was mentioned above don't think about his will. Think about getting nothing so you will not be disappointed when it comes to that day. Him being out of your life will be enough reason to celebrate.
Your trip to NY sounds like the best happy pill you could have taken. Continue to think of this positive nature rather than looking at the negative of your father/ex etc.
They want to tell you that you have failed and listening to them will only make you fail.
Regarding what you could do job wise why be so worried? Just get out of the situation and work it out after that. The longer you stay in your current situation the worse you will feel. You are 50 years old. Don't get to 65 and think what if.
If a NY fireman can recover from 9/11 and start a successful business then you can do this too. Money means nothing. Be happy and do something you would enjoy.
You could teach kids privately. Many parents will spend a small fortune to help their kids get better results.
If not open a small cafe. Anything.
Hold on to the positives from NY. This shows you how good life can be if you take the steps to change things.
Think of YOU now.
That is an astonishing conversation to have with your dad.
At 86, having experienced all he has, to NOT feel more for you, that will hurt, no point denying that reaction.
Have you read your post back to yourself though? Can you be objective?
Can you see the massive chip that others have mentioned, the illogical and irrational message.
He's damaged, probably by war and the decisions he has made/not made.
It's going to take a huge effort, but again if you read back what you have written, you KNOW there is positivity to be had.
You don't get the good stuff without knowing what bad is though, so life I'm pretty sure will continue to be a mix of both, it's hugely rich coming from as I'm in a similarly depressed boat, but you have to change the game and see more pluses than minuses...
Also I'm in no way religious, but it also seems to me you have to 'forgive' your dad, tell him that, then do what you can to keep the relationship going unless it's further damaging but primarily focus on you.
That day sucked.
Doesn't mean the next few have to.
At 86, having experienced all he has, to NOT feel more for you, that will hurt, no point denying that reaction.
Have you read your post back to yourself though? Can you be objective?
Can you see the massive chip that others have mentioned, the illogical and irrational message.
He's damaged, probably by war and the decisions he has made/not made.
It's going to take a huge effort, but again if you read back what you have written, you KNOW there is positivity to be had.
You don't get the good stuff without knowing what bad is though, so life I'm pretty sure will continue to be a mix of both, it's hugely rich coming from as I'm in a similarly depressed boat, but you have to change the game and see more pluses than minuses...
Also I'm in no way religious, but it also seems to me you have to 'forgive' your dad, tell him that, then do what you can to keep the relationship going unless it's further damaging but primarily focus on you.
That day sucked.
Doesn't mean the next few have to.
I went for a medical checkup this afternoon.
My blood pressure is 160/120 !!!!
GP told me to cut out all sugar/salt/fat.
Weight :88kg down from 94 in August!
Discovered the ex had been seeing her 'friend' back in 2011 even though she claimed her relationship with him only began end 2013!!!
The MIL knew all about it, so did most of the in laws.
I feel like a complete mug and totally blind for having complete trust in my OH.
I took my kids to the cinema yesterday, then treated them to a lovely meal and some pre Winter clothes shopping.
Fantastic therapy. Much better than some pills!
My blood pressure is 160/120 !!!!
GP told me to cut out all sugar/salt/fat.
Weight :88kg down from 94 in August!
Discovered the ex had been seeing her 'friend' back in 2011 even though she claimed her relationship with him only began end 2013!!!
The MIL knew all about it, so did most of the in laws.
I feel like a complete mug and totally blind for having complete trust in my OH.
I took my kids to the cinema yesterday, then treated them to a lovely meal and some pre Winter clothes shopping.
Fantastic therapy. Much better than some pills!
Edited by rosbif77 on Friday 28th October 20:15
[quote=rosbif77]I went for a medical checkup this afternoon.
My blood pressure is 160/120 !!!!
GP told me to cut out all sugar/salt/fat.
Weight :88kg down from 94 in August!
Discovered the ex had been seeing her 'friend' back in 2011 even though she claimed her relationship with him only began end 2013!!!
The MIL knew all about it, so did most of the in laws.
I feel like a complete mug and totally blind for having complete trust in my OH.
I took my kids to the cinema yesterday, then treated them to a lovely meal and some pre Winter clothes shopping.
Fantastic therapy. Much better than some pills!
Stress is bad for the blood pressure as well. More likely that but also what the doctor has stated. I bet when you were in NY it was low
Your ex is out of your life now. Try and not go over the past with her. It will only bring you down.
Spending that quality time with your kids is what it is all about. Still I would say you need to think very hard about your future. High blood pressure will be due to the daily stresses of work and the area you live.
As I said before you do not want to drop down dead of a heart attack. You have to start thinking about you.
My blood pressure is 160/120 !!!!
GP told me to cut out all sugar/salt/fat.
Weight :88kg down from 94 in August!
Discovered the ex had been seeing her 'friend' back in 2011 even though she claimed her relationship with him only began end 2013!!!
The MIL knew all about it, so did most of the in laws.
I feel like a complete mug and totally blind for having complete trust in my OH.
I took my kids to the cinema yesterday, then treated them to a lovely meal and some pre Winter clothes shopping.
Fantastic therapy. Much better than some pills!
Stress is bad for the blood pressure as well. More likely that but also what the doctor has stated. I bet when you were in NY it was low
Your ex is out of your life now. Try and not go over the past with her. It will only bring you down.
Spending that quality time with your kids is what it is all about. Still I would say you need to think very hard about your future. High blood pressure will be due to the daily stresses of work and the area you live.
As I said before you do not want to drop down dead of a heart attack. You have to start thinking about you.
Get yourself a home tester, mine goes up at the doctors but is fine at home, typically 130 ish over 70 odd, doctors will aim for 120 over 70, but readings when under duress shouldn't be used to base medication on, have seen what happens and it involves people barely able to function, 24 hour monitor and a good range of readings, I think doctors are a lot warier of prescribing bp melds these days.
[quote=rosbif77]I'm not planning on running off to New York straight away but the idea of someday moving there definitely appeals. There's nothing in France to keep me here in the long term. In the short term i'm focusing on my children and making sure i'm there for them, but in the back of my mind i know one day that both will be grown up and leave the nest. The thought of being stuck in the same town where my ex now has the family home, where all our joint friends have all turned their backs on me, and where i've got absolutely zero chance of having a better job fills me with a sense of dread.
I kept telling myself that i've got to find a way out. Changing careers at 50 is more feasible in the UK/USA than here in France where you train for a job for life.
I know that i need to break out of my confort zone but to do that scares me to death. Little voices keep telling me that i haven't achieved anything in life, which is why i'm stuck in a dead end job ( one that i love doing) having to accept a crap salary just so that i can keep on seeing my daughter.
The key word is CONFIDENCE.
I have this urge to change my life and physically move away from my past. Everytime i panic and end up finding excusses not to do anything.
I just don't know where to start. Probably the best option is to continue in the educational field, since i've been working in that area for the past 25 years. I'm passionate about history, i love meeting new people, feel at ease in public, i adore telling stories, although i'm essentially a loner rather than a team player ( i'm happy working in a team but like to be given freedom to do things my way, and i especially detest receiving orders from authoritarian but incompetent individuals).
France is perfect if you're after a quiet family life, where everything is provided, but where you're expected to train and get qualified for one career and do that in the same company for the rest of your life.
France is messed up economically because more and more of the French are on the scrapheap at 45/50 and haven't got a chance in hell of doing anything else. The American attitude that you keep failling until you finally succeed, that anythings possible with hard graft and a bit of luck is the complete opposite of the French way of doing things.
The whole system here is designed to keep the workers happy in their confort zones. Any desire to break out from the mould, to try something different is stiffled and suffocated with red tape, working practices and people's total indifference!
The digital age is going to change many people's working lives in the next 10-20 years, and i feel that i don't have any skills to make me employable to other prospective employers.
I feel like there's a whole world out there to explore which loads of people are out there taking advantage of, except me.
Ok i'm moaning again so i'll stop that right away.
Any ideas on where i start?
Any ideas where to start?
I kept telling myself that i've got to find a way out. Changing careers at 50 is more feasible in the UK/USA than here in France where you train for a job for life.
I know that i need to break out of my confort zone but to do that scares me to death. Little voices keep telling me that i haven't achieved anything in life, which is why i'm stuck in a dead end job ( one that i love doing) having to accept a crap salary just so that i can keep on seeing my daughter.
The key word is CONFIDENCE.
I have this urge to change my life and physically move away from my past. Everytime i panic and end up finding excusses not to do anything.
I just don't know where to start. Probably the best option is to continue in the educational field, since i've been working in that area for the past 25 years. I'm passionate about history, i love meeting new people, feel at ease in public, i adore telling stories, although i'm essentially a loner rather than a team player ( i'm happy working in a team but like to be given freedom to do things my way, and i especially detest receiving orders from authoritarian but incompetent individuals).
France is perfect if you're after a quiet family life, where everything is provided, but where you're expected to train and get qualified for one career and do that in the same company for the rest of your life.
France is messed up economically because more and more of the French are on the scrapheap at 45/50 and haven't got a chance in hell of doing anything else. The American attitude that you keep failling until you finally succeed, that anythings possible with hard graft and a bit of luck is the complete opposite of the French way of doing things.
The whole system here is designed to keep the workers happy in their confort zones. Any desire to break out from the mould, to try something different is stiffled and suffocated with red tape, working practices and people's total indifference!
The digital age is going to change many people's working lives in the next 10-20 years, and i feel that i don't have any skills to make me employable to other prospective employers.
I feel like there's a whole world out there to explore which loads of people are out there taking advantage of, except me.
Ok i'm moaning again so i'll stop that right away.
Any ideas on where i start?
Edited by rosbif77 on Friday 21st October 15:05
[/quotAny ideas where to start?
I've said this before - you need to look after #1 and do whatever you need to regain your self esteem career-wise. This might mean moving away from your kids and seeing them a bit less for a while.
In the long run, the results will be better than staying in a position that is no good for just so you can see your daughter regularly.
It is pretty clear the job/finance situation there is not good for your confidence.
Good luck.
In the long run, the results will be better than staying in a position that is no good for just so you can see your daughter regularly.
It is pretty clear the job/finance situation there is not good for your confidence.
Good luck.
Yesterday was another disastrous day!
I went to CDD airport to pick up my son ( he'd been to Berlin for 24h research trip), and as we were leaving the terminal. and heading back to my car i was knocked down by a couple running with a baggage trolley. Fell on my arm: hurt like hell!!!
Not one person stopped to help me. Several motorists even honked at me as i was lying on the ground in the car park!! Another family even walked right by when my son asked them to call the security!!!! Two French people also pushed past and swore at me for blocking the way!!!
The security team claimed they never saw anything. The couple who rammed into me didn't even stop. I still have the wheel marks where they ran over my arm after i was knocked over!!!!
I asked security guy to look on CCTV to identify couple. He ignored this, said he was on his own and i had to wait till his supervisor came back!!!!!
I managed, with a lot of difficulty, and steering with one hand, to drive myself to my local ER!!!
Had x-ray: 3 hairline fractures in elbow. Arm is in cast with a sling. No work for 2 weeks. No sport for min 2 months!!! Just when i was getting used to going to the gym!
Totally depressed and wondering why i keep having s
t happen to me!!
I went to CDD airport to pick up my son ( he'd been to Berlin for 24h research trip), and as we were leaving the terminal. and heading back to my car i was knocked down by a couple running with a baggage trolley. Fell on my arm: hurt like hell!!!
Not one person stopped to help me. Several motorists even honked at me as i was lying on the ground in the car park!! Another family even walked right by when my son asked them to call the security!!!! Two French people also pushed past and swore at me for blocking the way!!!
The security team claimed they never saw anything. The couple who rammed into me didn't even stop. I still have the wheel marks where they ran over my arm after i was knocked over!!!!
I asked security guy to look on CCTV to identify couple. He ignored this, said he was on his own and i had to wait till his supervisor came back!!!!!
I managed, with a lot of difficulty, and steering with one hand, to drive myself to my local ER!!!
Had x-ray: 3 hairline fractures in elbow. Arm is in cast with a sling. No work for 2 weeks. No sport for min 2 months!!! Just when i was getting used to going to the gym!
Totally depressed and wondering why i keep having s
t happen to me!!Edited by rosbif77 on Sunday 30th October 10:12
Edited by rosbif77 on Sunday 30th October 10:20
rosbif77 said:
Yesterday was another disastrous day!
I went to CDD airport last night to pick up my son ( he'd been to Berlin for day ), and as we were leaving the terminal. and heading back to my car i was knocked down by a couple running with a baggage trolley. Fell on my arm: hurt like hell!!!
Not one person stopped to help me. Several motorists even honked at me as i was lying on the ground in the car park!! Another family even walked right by when my son asked them to call the security!!!! Two French people also pushed past and swore at me for blocking the way!!!
The couple who rammed into me didn't even stop. I still have the wheel marks where they ran over my arm after i was knocked over!!!!
I asked a security guy to look on CCTV to identify couple. He ignored this, said he was on his own and i had to wait till his supervisor came back, in the morning!!!!!!!
I managed, with a lot of difficulty, and steering with one hand, to drive myself to my local ER!!!
Had to wait nearly 5h!!!!!
Had x-ray: 3 hairline fractures in elbow. Arm is in a sling. No work for 2 weeks. No sport for min 2 months!!! Just when i was getting used to going to the gym!
Totally depressed and wondering why i keep having st happen to me!!
I went to CDD airport last night to pick up my son ( he'd been to Berlin for day ), and as we were leaving the terminal. and heading back to my car i was knocked down by a couple running with a baggage trolley. Fell on my arm: hurt like hell!!!
Not one person stopped to help me. Several motorists even honked at me as i was lying on the ground in the car park!! Another family even walked right by when my son asked them to call the security!!!! Two French people also pushed past and swore at me for blocking the way!!!
The couple who rammed into me didn't even stop. I still have the wheel marks where they ran over my arm after i was knocked over!!!!
I asked a security guy to look on CCTV to identify couple. He ignored this, said he was on his own and i had to wait till his supervisor came back, in the morning!!!!!!!
I managed, with a lot of difficulty, and steering with one hand, to drive myself to my local ER!!!
Had to wait nearly 5h!!!!!
Had x-ray: 3 hairline fractures in elbow. Arm is in a sling. No work for 2 weeks. No sport for min 2 months!!! Just when i was getting used to going to the gym!
Totally depressed and wondering why i keep having s
t happen to me!!Edited by rosbif77 on Sunday 30th October 10:12
Edited by rosbif77 on Sunday 30th October 10:20
Well, without sounding callous, this is something that you can't blame on your family!
It was an accident, just put it down to bad luck and move forward. Enjoy 2 weeks off work. Use this as an opportunity to take some action into moving forward.
Good luck and be positive. Treat the sabbatical as an opportunity.
It was an accident, just put it down to bad luck and move forward. Enjoy 2 weeks off work. Use this as an opportunity to take some action into moving forward.
Good luck and be positive. Treat the sabbatical as an opportunity.
[quote=rosbif77] Yesterday was another disastrous day!
I went to CDD airport to pick up my son ( he'd been to Berlin for 24h research trip), and as we were leaving the terminal. and heading back to my car i was knocked down by a couple running with a baggage trolley. Fell on my arm: hurt like hell!!!
Not one person stopped to help me. Several motorists even honked at me as i was lying on the ground in the car park!! Another family even walked right by when my son asked them to call the security!!!! Two French people also pushed past and swore at me for blocking the way!!!
The security team claimed they never saw anything. The couple who rammed into me didn't even stop. I still have the wheel marks where they ran over my arm after i was knocked over!!!!
I asked security guy to look on CCTV to identify couple. He ignored this, said he was on his own and i had to wait till his supervisor came back!!!!!
I managed, with a lot of difficulty, and steering with one hand, to drive myself to my local ER!!!
Had x-ray: 3 hairline fractures in elbow. Arm is in cast with a sling. No work for 2 weeks. No sport for min 2 months!!! Just when i was getting used to going to the gym!
Totally depressed and wondering why i keep having st happen to me!!
Unfortunately when you feel negative about life and yourself things do just seem to keep happening like this. It is an hard cycle to get out of but you know yourself you can't carry on with the life you have at this present time. You need to bite the bullet and take a fresh step forward.
Will you get paid for the time you are off work? If so this will be a good time to sit yourself down and think about what you can do moving forward. I am sure even though you are in pain the rest will do you a lot of good.
The way the school has treated you I would personally go to the doctor and get signed off again for another two weeks stating your arm is still very sore. Either that or come up with another excuse to take more time off. Why rush back to that hell if you are indeed getting paid.
Regarding your future do just go for the easy option. Look at the ex fireman you mentioned. He totally changed his outlook and he is a success. Don't allow the words of other make you curl up in a ball and accept defeat. You will succeed if you just take a step forward. I am sure there are thousands of children out there struggling with their school work and would require extra tuition. Parents will pay anything to have their children succeed.
I am not saying you need to move to NY. You could move back to the UK or another country. Just get away from everything going on in that town. The trip to NY has shown you that once away your life will be totally different. Try and hold onto that feeling
I went to CDD airport to pick up my son ( he'd been to Berlin for 24h research trip), and as we were leaving the terminal. and heading back to my car i was knocked down by a couple running with a baggage trolley. Fell on my arm: hurt like hell!!!
Not one person stopped to help me. Several motorists even honked at me as i was lying on the ground in the car park!! Another family even walked right by when my son asked them to call the security!!!! Two French people also pushed past and swore at me for blocking the way!!!
The security team claimed they never saw anything. The couple who rammed into me didn't even stop. I still have the wheel marks where they ran over my arm after i was knocked over!!!!
I asked security guy to look on CCTV to identify couple. He ignored this, said he was on his own and i had to wait till his supervisor came back!!!!!
I managed, with a lot of difficulty, and steering with one hand, to drive myself to my local ER!!!
Had x-ray: 3 hairline fractures in elbow. Arm is in cast with a sling. No work for 2 weeks. No sport for min 2 months!!! Just when i was getting used to going to the gym!
Totally depressed and wondering why i keep having s
t happen to me!!Unfortunately when you feel negative about life and yourself things do just seem to keep happening like this. It is an hard cycle to get out of but you know yourself you can't carry on with the life you have at this present time. You need to bite the bullet and take a fresh step forward.
Will you get paid for the time you are off work? If so this will be a good time to sit yourself down and think about what you can do moving forward. I am sure even though you are in pain the rest will do you a lot of good.
The way the school has treated you I would personally go to the doctor and get signed off again for another two weeks stating your arm is still very sore. Either that or come up with another excuse to take more time off. Why rush back to that hell if you are indeed getting paid.
Regarding your future do just go for the easy option. Look at the ex fireman you mentioned. He totally changed his outlook and he is a success. Don't allow the words of other make you curl up in a ball and accept defeat. You will succeed if you just take a step forward. I am sure there are thousands of children out there struggling with their school work and would require extra tuition. Parents will pay anything to have their children succeed.
I am not saying you need to move to NY. You could move back to the UK or another country. Just get away from everything going on in that town. The trip to NY has shown you that once away your life will be totally different. Try and hold onto that feeling
One step at a time. Unless you have a US born parent or you were born there, it would be quite a challenge to get a visa.
Make a plan and start to execute it.
If that plan involves getting a better job that pays X in place Y, start looking for those roles, contact recruiters, employers, get on LinkedIn etc. It isn't going to drop into your lap, so make a plan and just try - at least then it is within your sphere of control.
Don't dwell too much (or at all) on things that are outside your control or have already happened. You cannot change them, so while they certainly may contribute to your anxiety and self-esteem, you need to put them in the 'can't change them' box.
I appreciate what you're experiencing to a certain degree. Start making plans to influence, change and improve the things within your control.
Good luck.
Make a plan and start to execute it.
If that plan involves getting a better job that pays X in place Y, start looking for those roles, contact recruiters, employers, get on LinkedIn etc. It isn't going to drop into your lap, so make a plan and just try - at least then it is within your sphere of control.
Don't dwell too much (or at all) on things that are outside your control or have already happened. You cannot change them, so while they certainly may contribute to your anxiety and self-esteem, you need to put them in the 'can't change them' box.
I appreciate what you're experiencing to a certain degree. Start making plans to influence, change and improve the things within your control.
Good luck.
Thanks johnfm for the advice. I'm currently reading the for dummies series of books about Mindfulness, and boosting self-esteem..
It's helping me to see things in a different perspective.
When i see myself at 49 divorced, losing motivation to teach, struggling to save for my future, lonely with zero friends or family ( except my 2 children), and with every day and every week the same boring routine, i wonder where i went wrong.
I look back through my whole life up to now and i see a lack of motivation, ambition and drive.
All the problems/obstacles that were placed in my path i managed to overcome, although i never thought of it as a success at the time.
I guess that's what happens when you're surrounded by people who treat you like rubbish, and every comment they make is designed to put you down.
I passed 5 GCSE'S without trying, wrote dozens of short stories every night, got a BA in history/English with just the minimum amount of revision, found jobs and lost jobs, had to endure personal loss and suffering without anyone's help or compassion, survived being knocked down and resuscitated, learnt to walk again, moved to France to start a new life and then 17 years later had to fight my corner against everyone when i got divorced.
I never gave 100% to get through the above. In fact the only times i really had to use my deepest reserves was when i had to literally fight to breathe and live during my school bullying!
I've never forgotten those horrific days and i doubt i ever will.
The point i'm making is that i've never used my full potential or really had to work hard, because i guess i never had the drive or ambition. Nothing really inspired me except writing stories and enjoyng photography. Unfortunately, everyone close to me did their upmost to rid me of those silly desires to follow my passions.
I just buried them and ended up believing i'd never succeed in them anyway since i was obviously lacking in talent!
I feel like i've got a split personality. One half of me is desperate to start a new life, the other constantly finding reasons why that's impossible.
It's helping me to see things in a different perspective.
When i see myself at 49 divorced, losing motivation to teach, struggling to save for my future, lonely with zero friends or family ( except my 2 children), and with every day and every week the same boring routine, i wonder where i went wrong.
I look back through my whole life up to now and i see a lack of motivation, ambition and drive.
All the problems/obstacles that were placed in my path i managed to overcome, although i never thought of it as a success at the time.
I guess that's what happens when you're surrounded by people who treat you like rubbish, and every comment they make is designed to put you down.
I passed 5 GCSE'S without trying, wrote dozens of short stories every night, got a BA in history/English with just the minimum amount of revision, found jobs and lost jobs, had to endure personal loss and suffering without anyone's help or compassion, survived being knocked down and resuscitated, learnt to walk again, moved to France to start a new life and then 17 years later had to fight my corner against everyone when i got divorced.
I never gave 100% to get through the above. In fact the only times i really had to use my deepest reserves was when i had to literally fight to breathe and live during my school bullying!
I've never forgotten those horrific days and i doubt i ever will.
The point i'm making is that i've never used my full potential or really had to work hard, because i guess i never had the drive or ambition. Nothing really inspired me except writing stories and enjoyng photography. Unfortunately, everyone close to me did their upmost to rid me of those silly desires to follow my passions.
I just buried them and ended up believing i'd never succeed in them anyway since i was obviously lacking in talent!
I feel like i've got a split personality. One half of me is desperate to start a new life, the other constantly finding reasons why that's impossible.
Edited by rosbif77 on Sunday 30th October 21:03
Stop looking for reasons.
Stop reliving the past.
Make a plan and just do the things you need to do to execute it.
It won't be easy. Change never is. But the satisfaction you will get by effecting the improvement by making a strategy, deciding where best to go to improve your self worth as making the choices to make that all happen will be worth it.
Stop reliving the past.
Make a plan and just do the things you need to do to execute it.
It won't be easy. Change never is. But the satisfaction you will get by effecting the improvement by making a strategy, deciding where best to go to improve your self worth as making the choices to make that all happen will be worth it.
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