Emotional eating and being unlucky in life?
Discussion
rosbif77 said:
Hi ELUSIVEJIM. Yes, on one side i'm feeling better because i've just spent the week down in Clermont-Ferrand staying with my (ex) brother/sister in law. They happen to be the only in laws who've regularly kept in touch with me, offered me lots of excellent advice, and showed me lots of compassion.
I took my 2 children so they could also spend some time with their cousins. It's v.difficult emotionally for me to travel down to the Auvergne region as there are so many wonderful memories ( 23 years worth), but off course it's the ex's home area so that makes the journeys very hard.
The brother in law has just set up his own business and times are hard financially for his family so he can understand perfectly what i'm going through. I have a great relationship with him and his wife ( the ex's sister) and from a purely religious point of view were highly critical of the divorce ( very devout traditional French countryside family).
I need to make the break from my past physically as well as emotionally but i'm commited to my children and they both want me to stay as close as possible so that rules out any move for the time being.
I need to set myself some longer term financial and professional objectives. However, that is causing me endless sleepless nights as each possible path to them involves giving up on my children.
Great you had a break away. Just getting away from home can give you a huge boost and also a fresh look at the situation.I took my 2 children so they could also spend some time with their cousins. It's v.difficult emotionally for me to travel down to the Auvergne region as there are so many wonderful memories ( 23 years worth), but off course it's the ex's home area so that makes the journeys very hard.
The brother in law has just set up his own business and times are hard financially for his family so he can understand perfectly what i'm going through. I have a great relationship with him and his wife ( the ex's sister) and from a purely religious point of view were highly critical of the divorce ( very devout traditional French countryside family).
I need to make the break from my past physically as well as emotionally but i'm commited to my children and they both want me to stay as close as possible so that rules out any move for the time being.
I need to set myself some longer term financial and professional objectives. However, that is causing me endless sleepless nights as each possible path to them involves giving up on my children.
Your ex's sister and husband sound very nice people. I am sure the advice they gave you will help moving forward.
I have to say when you hear your ex's sister is keeping in contact with you this proves what a great person you really are. I am sure the teachers and your ex the friend would be surprised to hear that the sister had you down to visit.
Regarding your last point don't rush into anything regarding your financial and professional objectives. Don't sit and worry and have sleepless nights. This will only make you very stressed and ill. The most important part in the connection you have with your children. This is priceless and has to be maintained whatever else happens.
I know this might sound stupid but if you are into positive thinking just state what you want to happen and let it go. Fully concentrate on your children and your social interactions. I will guarantee if you allow what you want to come to you instead of trying to sort it out yourself it will happen. Just relax and enjoy the time with your children.
As mentioned this sounds a bit off the wall but I have seen it work so many times.
Again just message if you want to chat :-)
I'm lucky to have such a solid friendship with my ex's sister and husband. In fact i have become closer to them during the past 3 years than in the 23 years i've known.
One thing that is constantly preying on my mind is regret. Unfortunately a lot of people who divorce end up mulling over things wondering what might have happened if such and such a thing had occured etc.
I miss England and to be really honest have missed it for most of my time over here in France. Yes, i've built a new life for myself and overcome numerous hurdles and bad moments but everytime i get back onto the ferry or plane to return here my heart sinks and the adrenaline i had whilst on holiday in England disappears.
During the Olympic Games in 2008/2012 and Rio i had the feeling that i was somehow absent and missing out on the fervour back in Britain. I love the British weather, i miss simple things like popping out to the local newsgents to buy a daily paper, i miss the simple British politeness when in a public place, i miss the community spirit which is sorely lacking in France, and i miss being able to strike up a conversation with a stranger at a bus stop/ in a shop etc.
Why did i move to France then? Well, because i loved my wife and because i wanted a new family. I 'd spent every school holiday during 3 years in France. I'd got used to the French lifestyle and i'd met and got to know my ex's huge, close family. What i didn't know about at this time, and what i only found about after several years living in France was the true nature of the French mother in law, her family's darkest secrets and the terrible suffering my ex and her sister endured when they were growing up.
The mother in law was so generous, so warm, so loving towards me during the 3 years i spent holidaying in Clermont-Ferrand before emigrating. Once i'd given up my job/career in England, settled down near Paris and my son was born did she start to reveal her true personality. She's intensly religious, but a real 'manhater'. Her mother had endured terrible suffering during WW2, had suffered from being denounced by neighbours to the Vichy milice and had developped an intense hatred of men. AThe grandmother had passed down to her own daughter this hatred for men and had taught her that for a woman to survive she must be more cunning than a man! According to the grandmother,who passed this onto my t stepmother a man can never be trusted. He should be crushed and humiliated and blackmailled into submission before he can hurt a woman.
The stepmother is like a spider, drawing her prey into the web whereupon it can be captured and consumed. My ex sister in law 'escaped' many years ago from her mother's clutches but the ex was always under her influence. This obviously put a terrible strain on the marriage.
I had a terrible relationship with the mother in law after the initial honeymoon period. Eventually it caused too many problems in the couple and the mother in law could then say, 'look i told you so my son in law is no good for my daughter'. She would constantly denigrate me in public, mock me, and try to manipulate my wife to follow the mum and not me. I would defend myself and it would end up with the wife and her mother on one side and me on the other. Every time i suffered from bad luck or misfortune the mother in law would seize on it to show how poor a husband/father i was (just like my own father). Not only was i not good enough in my own father's eyes i was also a failure for my mother in law. In the in laws only my sister/brother in law defended my side as all the others were too afraid to cross the mother. She has a wealthy brother who employed many of them in family run businesses or would give generous handouts to those in the family who toed the line.
All of this has left me with a terrible feeling of regret. Why did i end up swapping one emotionally destructive situation for another one? Why is it that i couldn't have the family i always wanted in England and neither in France?
Finally i'm very protective of my own 2 children because i don't want them to end up in the same destructive spiral. The mother in law has repeatedly said that if i move back to England she'd be able to educate them properly!!!!!
One thing that is constantly preying on my mind is regret. Unfortunately a lot of people who divorce end up mulling over things wondering what might have happened if such and such a thing had occured etc.
I miss England and to be really honest have missed it for most of my time over here in France. Yes, i've built a new life for myself and overcome numerous hurdles and bad moments but everytime i get back onto the ferry or plane to return here my heart sinks and the adrenaline i had whilst on holiday in England disappears.
During the Olympic Games in 2008/2012 and Rio i had the feeling that i was somehow absent and missing out on the fervour back in Britain. I love the British weather, i miss simple things like popping out to the local newsgents to buy a daily paper, i miss the simple British politeness when in a public place, i miss the community spirit which is sorely lacking in France, and i miss being able to strike up a conversation with a stranger at a bus stop/ in a shop etc.
Why did i move to France then? Well, because i loved my wife and because i wanted a new family. I 'd spent every school holiday during 3 years in France. I'd got used to the French lifestyle and i'd met and got to know my ex's huge, close family. What i didn't know about at this time, and what i only found about after several years living in France was the true nature of the French mother in law, her family's darkest secrets and the terrible suffering my ex and her sister endured when they were growing up.
The mother in law was so generous, so warm, so loving towards me during the 3 years i spent holidaying in Clermont-Ferrand before emigrating. Once i'd given up my job/career in England, settled down near Paris and my son was born did she start to reveal her true personality. She's intensly religious, but a real 'manhater'. Her mother had endured terrible suffering during WW2, had suffered from being denounced by neighbours to the Vichy milice and had developped an intense hatred of men. AThe grandmother had passed down to her own daughter this hatred for men and had taught her that for a woman to survive she must be more cunning than a man! According to the grandmother,who passed this onto my t stepmother a man can never be trusted. He should be crushed and humiliated and blackmailled into submission before he can hurt a woman.
The stepmother is like a spider, drawing her prey into the web whereupon it can be captured and consumed. My ex sister in law 'escaped' many years ago from her mother's clutches but the ex was always under her influence. This obviously put a terrible strain on the marriage.
I had a terrible relationship with the mother in law after the initial honeymoon period. Eventually it caused too many problems in the couple and the mother in law could then say, 'look i told you so my son in law is no good for my daughter'. She would constantly denigrate me in public, mock me, and try to manipulate my wife to follow the mum and not me. I would defend myself and it would end up with the wife and her mother on one side and me on the other. Every time i suffered from bad luck or misfortune the mother in law would seize on it to show how poor a husband/father i was (just like my own father). Not only was i not good enough in my own father's eyes i was also a failure for my mother in law. In the in laws only my sister/brother in law defended my side as all the others were too afraid to cross the mother. She has a wealthy brother who employed many of them in family run businesses or would give generous handouts to those in the family who toed the line.
All of this has left me with a terrible feeling of regret. Why did i end up swapping one emotionally destructive situation for another one? Why is it that i couldn't have the family i always wanted in England and neither in France?
Finally i'm very protective of my own 2 children because i don't want them to end up in the same destructive spiral. The mother in law has repeatedly said that if i move back to England she'd be able to educate them properly!!!!!
Edited by rosbif77 on Monday 22 August 09:09
Edited by rosbif77 on Monday 22 August 09:21
Wow.
You sure do attract them. Do you feel you seem to meet more and more people like your father during your life? Unfortunately it sounds like your ex has had a life a bit like your own and this is the reason you were attracted to her. We attract how we feel. Obviously away from your mother in law your marriage would have worked out. It sounds like you have had a lucky escape but it still hurts.
England is where your heart is. Sounds like for you getting away and moving would make a huge difference to your life. Unfortunately due to the children you can't at this moment in time. As your children would then be under the control of your ex if you moved the mother in law would then control their lives and ruin another generation.
For the well being of your children unfortunately moving back to England sounds not possible just now.
Is your ex's relationship with her children good?
Obviously once your children get to the age of 16 years they can decide for themselves where they want to reside. Anything set out in Court means nothing unless it has been stipulated until a certain age. Would your children like to live with you full time? If so would they like to move to England?
These are things you can look into yourself. Just don't ask the kids as you don't want them telling their mother.
Just a thought.
Again as hard as it is for your thinking your relationship failed it sounds very much that you were in a no win situation. I feel for your ex's future partners.
Hope you are doing well today mate.
You sure do attract them. Do you feel you seem to meet more and more people like your father during your life? Unfortunately it sounds like your ex has had a life a bit like your own and this is the reason you were attracted to her. We attract how we feel. Obviously away from your mother in law your marriage would have worked out. It sounds like you have had a lucky escape but it still hurts.
England is where your heart is. Sounds like for you getting away and moving would make a huge difference to your life. Unfortunately due to the children you can't at this moment in time. As your children would then be under the control of your ex if you moved the mother in law would then control their lives and ruin another generation.
For the well being of your children unfortunately moving back to England sounds not possible just now.
Is your ex's relationship with her children good?
Obviously once your children get to the age of 16 years they can decide for themselves where they want to reside. Anything set out in Court means nothing unless it has been stipulated until a certain age. Would your children like to live with you full time? If so would they like to move to England?
These are things you can look into yourself. Just don't ask the kids as you don't want them telling their mother.
Just a thought.
Again as hard as it is for your thinking your relationship failed it sounds very much that you were in a no win situation. I feel for your ex's future partners.
Hope you are doing well today mate.
I had several long chats with the brother/sister in law (BIL/SIL) last week and they both agreed that my marriage would probably have survived if i'd remained in England. The SIL in particulier feels v.guilty that she didn't tell the reality concerning the MIL before i moved to France, but then again at that moment she was still a young teenager heavily dependant on her mum and under her emotional influence. She admitted she married her husband because his family were well off and the MIL had no hold over them!
My SIL confided in me that her sister wanted to get married in England and live there but that her mother had basically told her that if she did that i would 'be in control and a man destroys a woman's life when he's in control!'.
I can only imagine the what caused the grandmother to brainwash her own daughter ( the MIL) into such anti male hatred, but at the same time my ex also had the opportunity to escape from her but didn't take it!
All my ex's cousins knew the family secrets dating back to WW2 concerning resistance activities ( Clermont-Ferrand was under French Vichy control) but not all the in laws were aware of the French vs French betrayals/denunciations and extreme violence inflicted on certain members of my ex's family. Even my ex father in law had scars from his military service in Algeria during the terrible colonial war there. In fact he was a French paratrooper whose unit was involved in 'cleaning up' villages in the Algerian mountains suspected of helping the anti-French forces. He bears the physical scars, he was constantly under the MIL's thumb and they both hid their pain in alcohol.
My ex and her sister certainly had a tough upbringing.
It's strange that my problems with my own father and with the French MIL are the result of their own wartime experiences. However, a lot of people who suffered during the wars have also used their own personal suffering to make others lives better.
My SIL confided in me that her sister wanted to get married in England and live there but that her mother had basically told her that if she did that i would 'be in control and a man destroys a woman's life when he's in control!'.
I can only imagine the what caused the grandmother to brainwash her own daughter ( the MIL) into such anti male hatred, but at the same time my ex also had the opportunity to escape from her but didn't take it!
All my ex's cousins knew the family secrets dating back to WW2 concerning resistance activities ( Clermont-Ferrand was under French Vichy control) but not all the in laws were aware of the French vs French betrayals/denunciations and extreme violence inflicted on certain members of my ex's family. Even my ex father in law had scars from his military service in Algeria during the terrible colonial war there. In fact he was a French paratrooper whose unit was involved in 'cleaning up' villages in the Algerian mountains suspected of helping the anti-French forces. He bears the physical scars, he was constantly under the MIL's thumb and they both hid their pain in alcohol.
My ex and her sister certainly had a tough upbringing.
It's strange that my problems with my own father and with the French MIL are the result of their own wartime experiences. However, a lot of people who suffered during the wars have also used their own personal suffering to make others lives better.
rosbif77 said:
I had several long chats with the brother/sister in law (BIL/SIL) last week and they both agreed that my marriage would probably have survived if i'd remained in England. The SIL in particulier feels v.guilty that she didn't tell the reality concerning the MIL before i moved to France, but then again at that moment she was still a young teenager heavily dependant on her mum and under her emotional influence. She admitted she married her husband because his family were well off and the MIL had no hold over them!
My SIL confided in me that her sister wanted to get married in England and live there but that her mother had basically told her that if she did that i would 'be in control and a man destroys a woman's life when he's in control!'.
I can only imagine the what caused the grandmother to brainwash her own daughter ( the MIL) into such anti male hatred, but at the same time my ex also had the opportunity to escape from her but didn't take it!
All my ex's cousins knew the family secrets dating back to WW2 concerning resistance activities ( Clermont-Ferrand was under French Vichy control) but not all the in laws were aware of the French vs French betrayals/denunciations and extreme violence inflicted on certain members of my ex's family. Even my ex father in law had scars from his military service in Algeria during the terrible colonial war there. In fact he was a French paratrooper whose unit was involved in 'cleaning up' villages in the Algerian mountains suspected of helping the anti-French forces. He bears the physical scars, he was constantly under the MIL's thumb and they both hid their pain in alcohol.
My ex and her sister certainly had a tough upbringing.
It's strange that my problems with my own father and with the French MIL are the result of their own wartime experiences. However, a lot of people who suffered during the wars have also used their own personal suffering to make others lives better.
You can't help but feel sorry for your marriage as it sounds totally like it would have worked without MIL.My SIL confided in me that her sister wanted to get married in England and live there but that her mother had basically told her that if she did that i would 'be in control and a man destroys a woman's life when he's in control!'.
I can only imagine the what caused the grandmother to brainwash her own daughter ( the MIL) into such anti male hatred, but at the same time my ex also had the opportunity to escape from her but didn't take it!
All my ex's cousins knew the family secrets dating back to WW2 concerning resistance activities ( Clermont-Ferrand was under French Vichy control) but not all the in laws were aware of the French vs French betrayals/denunciations and extreme violence inflicted on certain members of my ex's family. Even my ex father in law had scars from his military service in Algeria during the terrible colonial war there. In fact he was a French paratrooper whose unit was involved in 'cleaning up' villages in the Algerian mountains suspected of helping the anti-French forces. He bears the physical scars, he was constantly under the MIL's thumb and they both hid their pain in alcohol.
My ex and her sister certainly had a tough upbringing.
It's strange that my problems with my own father and with the French MIL are the result of their own wartime experiences. However, a lot of people who suffered during the wars have also used their own personal suffering to make others lives better.
Unfortunately the upbringing is the exact reasons for your marriage not working and it is pretty obvious who was to blame. Yes your ex's could have taken the opportunity to walk away but it sounds like the hold the MIL has on her is extremely strong. She has lost one daughter to a man so she was not going to give up on your partner.
Very sad situation as it is only going to continue for our ex. As mentioned as hard as it is you have had a lucky escape. Hope your ex also gets to escape in the future.
As hard as it is moving forward, knowing that the reason for your marriage breaking was more to do with outside interference should give you more confident knowing it was nothing to do with your personality.
The War took as terrible a toll on peoples mental state as well as physical. Even not in 2016 not many understand the effects of mental illness so you can imagine back at that time there would have been no help at all.
Soldiers even now receive limited help but when your trained to kill you should be trained also to be decommissioned to be able to fit back into everyday life. This unfortunately is not a priority for the MOD.
A soldier coming back with a physical injury at least gets treatment but again the mental side is left to fester.
Obviously people deal with this differently but many would have been a ticking bomb which would come out in so many different ways.
As you have stated a good number used these terrible situations to make sure their family had a loving homes to grow up in but others were too consumed by grief or past experiences.
Tragic for everyone involved.
The huge positive is that the treatment you received while growing up has not been carried on by yourself to your children. This is a huge point which you have to take credit for as this is amazing.
Just make sure you keep your head up high as you have an amazing relationship with your children.
Late to the party on this one but this is something that I am looking into at the moment as I struggle constantly with my weight
Does this sound familiar http://eating-disorders.org.uk/information/compuls...
I have tried diets, exercise regularly (bike, run, rugby) but my mindset just never seems to be right when it comes to losing weight. GPs point of view is a simple eat less, exercise more.
I know what I should/shouldn't eat to look after myself but find that I have constant thoughts of food - such as planning stops at the shop to buy items when I am out in the car so that I can eat them secretly. I've said to my OH before that I don't think that I am wired right
I have just started investigating in a bit more detail and found the above link - certainly sounds like me and may have some useful info for you
The main issue that I have is that I simply can't work out where the issue stems from. I had a good childhood with great parents (both still with us and still together), went to a private school, had hobbies outside school, wasn't bullied. The main traumatic times in my life have come later on, but well after my issues with food began - I can recall secret eating as a teenager but have no idea why
Does this sound familiar http://eating-disorders.org.uk/information/compuls...
I have tried diets, exercise regularly (bike, run, rugby) but my mindset just never seems to be right when it comes to losing weight. GPs point of view is a simple eat less, exercise more.
I know what I should/shouldn't eat to look after myself but find that I have constant thoughts of food - such as planning stops at the shop to buy items when I am out in the car so that I can eat them secretly. I've said to my OH before that I don't think that I am wired right
I have just started investigating in a bit more detail and found the above link - certainly sounds like me and may have some useful info for you
The main issue that I have is that I simply can't work out where the issue stems from. I had a good childhood with great parents (both still with us and still together), went to a private school, had hobbies outside school, wasn't bullied. The main traumatic times in my life have come later on, but well after my issues with food began - I can recall secret eating as a teenager but have no idea why
Does anyone have any ideas/links to useful websites about overcoming a chronic lack of self confidence and setting goals.
I keep having frequent panic attacks where i have nightmares about trying to achieve something, it all goes horribly wrong ( due to bad luck) and i end up failling in what i want to do. Consequently i wake up several times during the night soaked in sweat and find it difficult to to get a full night's sleep.
My GP advised various breathing and relaxation techniques and writing down lists of daily things to do( as well as prescibing sleeping pills which just made things worse!)
I realise how incredibly lucky i am to have such a fantastic relationship with my two children but i can't stop worrying about the future. I'm suffering financially and emotionally by having to live near the ex, but at the same time i don't want to leave my kids. That makes me want to overeat, and to counter this i head to the gym!
How do people build the confidence to work towards an objective?
What techniques can be used to ignore/overcome the negative thoughts every time i try to sit down and write?
The only goal i had when i moved to France was to have the family i never really enjoyed when i was growing up.
Now that my circumstances have changed my goals are to be the best possible father for my children, be financially independent, buy my own house and travel. Pretty much the same lifetime financial goals for most people but they appear unachievable on my current salary!
I always think that i'm a failure and no good( a hard habbit to break which comes from my childhood and my dad).
My self esteem has plummeted over the past 18 months and that's led to compulsive overeating/confort eating. I've definitely built muscle but i still can't shift the belly fat!
I keep having frequent panic attacks where i have nightmares about trying to achieve something, it all goes horribly wrong ( due to bad luck) and i end up failling in what i want to do. Consequently i wake up several times during the night soaked in sweat and find it difficult to to get a full night's sleep.
My GP advised various breathing and relaxation techniques and writing down lists of daily things to do( as well as prescibing sleeping pills which just made things worse!)
I realise how incredibly lucky i am to have such a fantastic relationship with my two children but i can't stop worrying about the future. I'm suffering financially and emotionally by having to live near the ex, but at the same time i don't want to leave my kids. That makes me want to overeat, and to counter this i head to the gym!
How do people build the confidence to work towards an objective?
What techniques can be used to ignore/overcome the negative thoughts every time i try to sit down and write?
The only goal i had when i moved to France was to have the family i never really enjoyed when i was growing up.
Now that my circumstances have changed my goals are to be the best possible father for my children, be financially independent, buy my own house and travel. Pretty much the same lifetime financial goals for most people but they appear unachievable on my current salary!
I always think that i'm a failure and no good( a hard habbit to break which comes from my childhood and my dad).
My self esteem has plummeted over the past 18 months and that's led to compulsive overeating/confort eating. I've definitely built muscle but i still can't shift the belly fat!
Edited by rosbif77 on Tuesday 23 August 16:40
Pieman68 said:
Late to the party on this one but this is something that I am looking into at the moment as I struggle constantly with my weight
Does this sound familiar http://eating-disorders.org.uk/information/compuls...
I have tried diets, exercise regularly (bike, run, rugby) but my mindset just never seems to be right when it comes to losing weight. GPs point of view is a simple eat less, exercise more.
I know what I should/shouldn't eat to look after myself but find that I have constant thoughts of food - such as planning stops at the shop to buy items when I am out in the car so that I can eat them secretly. I've said to my OH before that I don't think that I am wired right
I have just started investigating in a bit more detail and found the above link - certainly sounds like me and may have some useful info for you
The main issue that I have is that I simply can't work out where the issue stems from. I had a good childhood with great parents (both still with us and still together), went to a private school, had hobbies outside school, wasn't bullied. The main traumatic times in my life have come later on, but well after my issues with food began - I can recall secret eating as a teenager but have no idea why
Hi mate,Does this sound familiar http://eating-disorders.org.uk/information/compuls...
I have tried diets, exercise regularly (bike, run, rugby) but my mindset just never seems to be right when it comes to losing weight. GPs point of view is a simple eat less, exercise more.
I know what I should/shouldn't eat to look after myself but find that I have constant thoughts of food - such as planning stops at the shop to buy items when I am out in the car so that I can eat them secretly. I've said to my OH before that I don't think that I am wired right
I have just started investigating in a bit more detail and found the above link - certainly sounds like me and may have some useful info for you
The main issue that I have is that I simply can't work out where the issue stems from. I had a good childhood with great parents (both still with us and still together), went to a private school, had hobbies outside school, wasn't bullied. The main traumatic times in my life have come later on, but well after my issues with food began - I can recall secret eating as a teenager but have no idea why
Most people who are having issues with something in their lives have had a past trigger which will start this process off but this unfortunately can be hidden from the memory and stuck in your subconscious.
This is extremely frustrating as you perhaps feel there is something but you have no idea what. Do you feel yourself that something has happened to make you feel this way?
If you think about it rationally you are not born with an issue like this. You have had an experience which has triggered this issue.
Unfortunately the brain has to have an outlet and for many people it is food related.
The food becomes a comfort and when you feel down the brain automatically wants more of that comfort feeling so you go looking for it. When you eat you feel wonderful but then you get the huge guilt trip and feel depressed. Before you know it you are doing this again and again and the brain make this a ongoing issue.
Unfortunately again this can lead to serious health issues as people after eating too much to feel better then start making themselves sick and anorexia can appear.
You attended private school. Was this a boarding school or did you go home each night to your parents?
Did any family members or friends die when you were younger?
Before you remember secretly eating as a teenager this at least gives you an idea that the issue started before this time.
The one thing you must start with is to stop thinking you are not wired right. There will be a very good reason why you are doing this but you need to
What you need to do is look back over your life and write down different experiences around the times you think this started. You mentioned your teenager years so was this a starting point? If not write down anything you feel in your childhood which looking back might be a trigger. This can be something very simple which you just do not realize can cause issues in later life.
Before you were secretly eating someone was making you feel guilty about eating.
Hope this helps. If you want to chat again just drop a message.
Hi mate,
Panic Attacks are horrible. I feel for you having these. It is a terrible feeling of being out of control and the body reacts.
Just to firstly give you an idea of panic attacks this is the body getting rid of stress. The body is in flight or fight mode when a panic attacks happens but in simple terms it is releasing stress.
The best way to help a panic attack and to calm down is to allow it to happen. Don't try and control it as doing this gives it more power. By allowing it to happen you are telling the body that you are not scared and it will pass quicker.
Regarding help with self esteem and confidence it is hard to be able to have any when you do not love yourself. You would not believe the amount of models and people who we would state have everything in the World when it comes to looks but they are totally miserable.
Many feel being very pretty or handsome is actually worse than being so called normal. Many are bullied for their looks and made to feel worthless. They will turn to drink or drugs to just escape. Honestly if you knew what was happening in peoples minds you would be shocked. I have been shocked by some people who look amazing and have Millions in the bank but are lost inside.
You can check out YouTube for meditation video's which help your sleeping pattern as you will listen to these with headphones and it relaxes the mind and body.
This for example
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6PZqX1mA74
The better the sleep the more the body will relax and so will the mind. If we go to sleep thinking negative thoughts we will dream negative thoughts and then our day will be negative.
What you need to work on is your mind. It is the mind that is making you gain weight. Stress will make you gain weight and also can make you very ill.
The body when it feels stressed closes down and hold onto energy to fight the issue. This then calms down with a panic attack.
If the body is closing down it means it will not use the food source and hold it to make sure it can cope. Unfortunately this then means your body slows down and your weight can increase.
Doctors will give you tablets to slow the mind down. This makes your mind calmer but the tablets also slow everything down. Again this ends with someone gaining weight which was the issue in the first place.
Regarding exercise the doctor is right about eating less and exercising more but this is just a simple way of looking at it. You maybe thinking you are eating healthy but you really have to watch with products.
Fruit is a nightmare. Full of sugar
White bread is full of sugar
Many diet products which you may pick up in a supermarket has no fat but a ton of sugar.
Next time you pick up a cereal box or a diet yogurt have a look at the sugar amounts. You are better off with a full fat product as the body will deal with this better.
Obviously I don't know what you are eating but if you are not aware of the above it can make a huge difference. Sugar will give people stomach fat as that is where it sits so this could be the answer. Food manufactures should be shot for these tactics as the diet products are very bad for you.
Finally exercise wise if you are going to the gym try and concentrate on squats.
This will give your body a much better full work out than running or a bike.
As mentioned before your father is a massive issue. He and your MIL sound like the perfect match for each other. Unfortunately when growing up with peers we listen to their words which are THEIR VIEWS and not what is reality.
You are not the useless person your father has stated you are. We just need to find ways to make your brain believe this fact.
Again please do not hesitate to message back.
There are other ways of relaxing like Yoga, Reading books like the secret and other ways. Many go down the spiritual route to find piece of mind.
We will get you on track.
Panic Attacks are horrible. I feel for you having these. It is a terrible feeling of being out of control and the body reacts.
Just to firstly give you an idea of panic attacks this is the body getting rid of stress. The body is in flight or fight mode when a panic attacks happens but in simple terms it is releasing stress.
The best way to help a panic attack and to calm down is to allow it to happen. Don't try and control it as doing this gives it more power. By allowing it to happen you are telling the body that you are not scared and it will pass quicker.
Regarding help with self esteem and confidence it is hard to be able to have any when you do not love yourself. You would not believe the amount of models and people who we would state have everything in the World when it comes to looks but they are totally miserable.
Many feel being very pretty or handsome is actually worse than being so called normal. Many are bullied for their looks and made to feel worthless. They will turn to drink or drugs to just escape. Honestly if you knew what was happening in peoples minds you would be shocked. I have been shocked by some people who look amazing and have Millions in the bank but are lost inside.
You can check out YouTube for meditation video's which help your sleeping pattern as you will listen to these with headphones and it relaxes the mind and body.
This for example
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6PZqX1mA74
The better the sleep the more the body will relax and so will the mind. If we go to sleep thinking negative thoughts we will dream negative thoughts and then our day will be negative.
What you need to work on is your mind. It is the mind that is making you gain weight. Stress will make you gain weight and also can make you very ill.
The body when it feels stressed closes down and hold onto energy to fight the issue. This then calms down with a panic attack.
If the body is closing down it means it will not use the food source and hold it to make sure it can cope. Unfortunately this then means your body slows down and your weight can increase.
Doctors will give you tablets to slow the mind down. This makes your mind calmer but the tablets also slow everything down. Again this ends with someone gaining weight which was the issue in the first place.
Regarding exercise the doctor is right about eating less and exercising more but this is just a simple way of looking at it. You maybe thinking you are eating healthy but you really have to watch with products.
Fruit is a nightmare. Full of sugar
White bread is full of sugar
Many diet products which you may pick up in a supermarket has no fat but a ton of sugar.
Next time you pick up a cereal box or a diet yogurt have a look at the sugar amounts. You are better off with a full fat product as the body will deal with this better.
Obviously I don't know what you are eating but if you are not aware of the above it can make a huge difference. Sugar will give people stomach fat as that is where it sits so this could be the answer. Food manufactures should be shot for these tactics as the diet products are very bad for you.
Finally exercise wise if you are going to the gym try and concentrate on squats.
This will give your body a much better full work out than running or a bike.
As mentioned before your father is a massive issue. He and your MIL sound like the perfect match for each other. Unfortunately when growing up with peers we listen to their words which are THEIR VIEWS and not what is reality.
You are not the useless person your father has stated you are. We just need to find ways to make your brain believe this fact.
Again please do not hesitate to message back.
There are other ways of relaxing like Yoga, Reading books like the secret and other ways. Many go down the spiritual route to find piece of mind.
We will get you on track.
ELUSIVEJIM said:
Hi mate,
Most people who are having issues with something in their lives have had a past trigger which will start this process off but this unfortunately can be hidden from the memory and stuck in your subconscious.
This is extremely frustrating as you perhaps feel there is something but you have no idea what. Do you feel yourself that something has happened to make you feel this way?
If you think about it rationally you are not born with an issue like this. You have had an experience which has triggered this issue.
Unfortunately the brain has to have an outlet and for many people it is food related.
The food becomes a comfort and when you feel down the brain automatically wants more of that comfort feeling so you go looking for it. When you eat you feel wonderful but then you get the huge guilt trip and feel depressed. Before you know it you are doing this again and again and the brain make this a ongoing issue.
Unfortunately again this can lead to serious health issues as people after eating too much to feel better then start making themselves sick and anorexia can appear.
You attended private school. Was this a boarding school or did you go home each night to your parents?
Did any family members or friends die when you were younger?
Before you remember secretly eating as a teenager this at least gives you an idea that the issue started before this time.
The one thing you must start with is to stop thinking you are not wired right. There will be a very good reason why you are doing this but you need to
What you need to do is look back over your life and write down different experiences around the times you think this started. You mentioned your teenager years so was this a starting point? If not write down anything you feel in your childhood which looking back might be a trigger. This can be something very simple which you just do not realize can cause issues in later life.
Before you were secretly eating someone was making you feel guilty about eating.
Hope this helps. If you want to chat again just drop a message.
Some interesting questionsMost people who are having issues with something in their lives have had a past trigger which will start this process off but this unfortunately can be hidden from the memory and stuck in your subconscious.
This is extremely frustrating as you perhaps feel there is something but you have no idea what. Do you feel yourself that something has happened to make you feel this way?
If you think about it rationally you are not born with an issue like this. You have had an experience which has triggered this issue.
Unfortunately the brain has to have an outlet and for many people it is food related.
The food becomes a comfort and when you feel down the brain automatically wants more of that comfort feeling so you go looking for it. When you eat you feel wonderful but then you get the huge guilt trip and feel depressed. Before you know it you are doing this again and again and the brain make this a ongoing issue.
Unfortunately again this can lead to serious health issues as people after eating too much to feel better then start making themselves sick and anorexia can appear.
You attended private school. Was this a boarding school or did you go home each night to your parents?
Did any family members or friends die when you were younger?
Before you remember secretly eating as a teenager this at least gives you an idea that the issue started before this time.
The one thing you must start with is to stop thinking you are not wired right. There will be a very good reason why you are doing this but you need to
What you need to do is look back over your life and write down different experiences around the times you think this started. You mentioned your teenager years so was this a starting point? If not write down anything you feel in your childhood which looking back might be a trigger. This can be something very simple which you just do not realize can cause issues in later life.
Before you were secretly eating someone was making you feel guilty about eating.
Hope this helps. If you want to chat again just drop a message.
With regards to school - was a day school so went home to parents every night. On an assisted place. Thoroughly supportive working class parents that actively encouraged outside interests (brass band, cricket, cubs/scouts, CCF. We weren't well off but they did everything that they could for us
I honestly cannot think of anything specific. Certainly wasn't bullied.
Am the middle one of 3. Sister 3 years older, little brother 7 years younger. All treated equally and fairly. Parents are still supportive to us all and, although not massively close there are no issues in our sibling relationships
I can recall sneaking into the kitchen and sticking salad cream between two slices of bread and sneaking upstairs with it - in my teens. Was always liable to overeating to the point of making myself feel ill in my younger years.
Family losses - never knew grandparents on Mum's side. Grandma on Dad's side died just before my 13th birthday, followed 2 weeks later by my Godfather (aged about 42)
No abuse, neglect or anything like that
I was always pretty big but my weight ballooned when I gained my independence. 1st year at uni I gained about 6 stone eating nothing but rubbish and drinking large amounts.
I am lighter than I was then but still overweight and fluctuate between 19 and 21 stone - I will lose 2 stone and then reward myself for doing well by eating crap and put it all back on
Pieman68 said:
Some interesting questions
With regards to school - was a day school so went home to parents every night. On an assisted place. Thoroughly supportive working class parents that actively encouraged outside interests (brass band, cricket, cubs/scouts, CCF. We weren't well off but they did everything that they could for us
I honestly cannot think of anything specific. Certainly wasn't bullied.
Am the middle one of 3. Sister 3 years older, little brother 7 years younger. All treated equally and fairly. Parents are still supportive to us all and, although not massively close there are no issues in our sibling relationships
I can recall sneaking into the kitchen and sticking salad cream between two slices of bread and sneaking upstairs with it - in my teens. Was always liable to overeating to the point of making myself feel ill in my younger years.
Family losses - never knew grandparents on Mum's side. Grandma on Dad's side died just before my 13th birthday, followed 2 weeks later by my Godfather (aged about 42)
No abuse, neglect or anything like that
I was always pretty big but my weight ballooned when I gained my independence. 1st year at uni I gained about 6 stone eating nothing but rubbish and drinking large amounts.
I am lighter than I was then but still overweight and fluctuate between 19 and 21 stone - I will lose 2 stone and then reward myself for doing well by eating crap and put it all back on
Some great information there which helps a lot.With regards to school - was a day school so went home to parents every night. On an assisted place. Thoroughly supportive working class parents that actively encouraged outside interests (brass band, cricket, cubs/scouts, CCF. We weren't well off but they did everything that they could for us
I honestly cannot think of anything specific. Certainly wasn't bullied.
Am the middle one of 3. Sister 3 years older, little brother 7 years younger. All treated equally and fairly. Parents are still supportive to us all and, although not massively close there are no issues in our sibling relationships
I can recall sneaking into the kitchen and sticking salad cream between two slices of bread and sneaking upstairs with it - in my teens. Was always liable to overeating to the point of making myself feel ill in my younger years.
Family losses - never knew grandparents on Mum's side. Grandma on Dad's side died just before my 13th birthday, followed 2 weeks later by my Godfather (aged about 42)
No abuse, neglect or anything like that
I was always pretty big but my weight ballooned when I gained my independence. 1st year at uni I gained about 6 stone eating nothing but rubbish and drinking large amounts.
I am lighter than I was then but still overweight and fluctuate between 19 and 21 stone - I will lose 2 stone and then reward myself for doing well by eating crap and put it all back on
Sounds like your childhood was pretty special so it is nothing regarding your parents and upbringing.
As private school was only a day affair, again this do not flag up any issues regarding missing home.
Has anyone every said to you in the past that you eat too much? Or has it been pointed this out to you?
Are your parents slightly overweight and what about your siblings?
Before you use to hide the fact you were making a salad cream sandwich was getting food a problem? Like did your parents hold a tight budget in the house?
There seems to be a sign of you being ashamed to eat and scared at the fact you were overeating.
The signs are something has happened but you just do not know what this is yet. For someone to overeat to the extent of making themselves sick is a sure sign something has happened.
I know you can't think of something but have you spoken to your siblings about your worries over food? Especially your older sister who might just remember something which you were too young to remember.
In the first years of our lives the experience we have can shape our life. Something might have happened in these early stages which you can remember but it has been stored causing you this issue.
One of the main issues regarding trying to lose weight is people will totally stop eating crap. This will never work. You body is use to eating this stuff so after a time of improvement you fall back into the cycle.
If the brain thinks it is not going to get that craving it will just fester in your head until you give up. Best to not totally cut the crap out but to just slowly cut back in stages.
This way the body can adjust the sugar levels without the terrible side effects.
This way has helped two woman I have been assisting. One has lost five stone in 6 Months and the other two Stone in 3 Months.
They said not feeling guilty about eating some of the food they like makes a huge difference. It is not the devil sitting in the cupboard.
Finally another tip is to eat from smaller plates. This trick will also help not eating as much :-)
Just message if you want to chat
One particularly vivid memory i have of school is aged 12 being caught by the bullies in my class snacking on some cake my mum had given me that morning behind the bike sheds. They grabbed me , forced me to the ground, despite me knocking one of them out cold and inflicting a fair few black eyes ( there were 8 or 9 if i remember!), and then stuffing the cake mixed with bird droppings and stones down my throat till i was choking. I ended up blacking out and the next thing i remember was waking up to find the nurse had made me throw up!! A crowd of other kids were peering down at me mostly laughing at my appearance!
The local housing estate was slowly going up during this period and every weekend i loved riding my bike down to the water logged/muddy building site and get absolutely filthy!! I still remember the time i got attacked by more bullies who left me for dead. They'd decided to teach me a lesson after i'd thumped back one of their mates in the school toilet. They planned an ambush, threw bricks at me to knock me off my bike, then dragged me kicking and punching to the marshy bit where they tried to push my head under the mud!!! One got a broken jaw for his efforts but his older brother whacked me on the head with a plank of wood 'to quieten me down a bit!' I certainly gave as good as i got but there were always 8-10 of them so my size/force was no good! A local girl found me in the mud later with a bleeding head, black eye and covered from head to toe in mud. One bully took a photo of me with my face down in the mud, bubbles in the mud and one guy peeing on me! That photo got passed round at school to much general amusement! .It was taken on a Kodak instant camera which were popular back then!!!Similar to selfies nowadays i suppose!!!!
The boys who did it never got punished. In fact the same week they jumped me in the boys toilet and attempted to brutally flush my head down the loo. One threw some horrible chemical in my face to catch me off guard (an elder brother had nicked it from the chemistry lab) then they rushed me. Fortunately, they got caught in the act by a prefect and got lines. I got burnt and stitches which left scars , broken glasses, and the week off school injured! That week i remember my mum made an exquisite French gateau which i munched my way through! My dad complained to the school governors who hushed it up!
By year 9 the violence had taken another turn with a couple of huge year 11 lads who tried several times to throttle me with a school tie or once a girl's skipping rope during lessons in the toilets ( i couldn't go during breaks due to gangs of bullies so made excuses during lesson time). I mostly managed to evade their attempts to ambush me but occasionally that didn't work! The fights were violent, bloody and we all ended up in detention. I had marks on my throat but every time the school ignored it/made light of it. My dad threatened to inform the police ( but never did) and just told me to fight better like a man next time!
I still have a mark on my neck from the stanley knife they threatened me with!!!!
To get revenge the 2 guys enlisted the help of their mates in another school to jump me on the way home. They ambushed me on my bike, threw a metal bar through the front wheel, and then as i lay bleeding on the ground rammed a bottle of rum into my mouth and emptied the contents into me!!! When i staggered home i didn't bother to tell my dad the real reason ( why bother anyway since i 'fell off' my bike virtually every week coming home from school), so i took my medicine ( cold bath, no tea followed by straight to bed) and forgot about it!
The physical violence i suffered daily at school was pretty mild compared to the occasions i've listed above. It was sly kicks in the groin in the boys changing room, a punch in the ribs while queueing for lunch, being spat at in the corridor, being pushed down a flight of stairs ( 'oh sorry miss he just kind of stumbled!)', part of a frog dumped down my back during biology, being deliberately peed on in urinals, food spat onto my plate in the cantine,pencils thrown at my face whilst the teacher's back was turned etc etc. I mostly didn't bother to fight back because i was always outnumbered, when i did the bulling just got worse and my dad shouted at me that i stupid, useless and should've hit them harder!
When every single day you lose count of the numbers of times you're hit, spat at, insulted, pushed, had stuff thrown at you just don't bother to react anymore, since you know the result if you do.
The times i fought back was when i was being half strangled in the toilets, having a year 11 prefect try to force my trousers down and stick an aptly named screwdriver up my arse, nearly being drowned in mud, having 3/4 bigger guys wrapping heavy duty tape round my mouth/nose while others kicked me in the ribs,or having food/stones/crap from the toilet forced down my throat till i could hardly breathe!
I probably endured more than 20 serious attempts to suffocate/strangle/drown me and not once did ever get any help with the resulting nightmares, fear of the dark and over eating.
Even now i have a fear of getting locked in a dark room due to once being bundled into a store cupboard, a fire extinguisher let off in my face and to finish the cupboard taped up!!!
The lab technicien got me out after i'd already lost consciousnous!
The comprehensive school had below average results, a headmaster who believed teenage kids were all angels and anyway ' boys will be boys!'.
My mum knew what was really happening and always made sure there was a lovely cake waiting for every evening i got home!!! The smell of freshly baked cake wafting through the house was wonderful!
The local housing estate was slowly going up during this period and every weekend i loved riding my bike down to the water logged/muddy building site and get absolutely filthy!! I still remember the time i got attacked by more bullies who left me for dead. They'd decided to teach me a lesson after i'd thumped back one of their mates in the school toilet. They planned an ambush, threw bricks at me to knock me off my bike, then dragged me kicking and punching to the marshy bit where they tried to push my head under the mud!!! One got a broken jaw for his efforts but his older brother whacked me on the head with a plank of wood 'to quieten me down a bit!' I certainly gave as good as i got but there were always 8-10 of them so my size/force was no good! A local girl found me in the mud later with a bleeding head, black eye and covered from head to toe in mud. One bully took a photo of me with my face down in the mud, bubbles in the mud and one guy peeing on me! That photo got passed round at school to much general amusement! .It was taken on a Kodak instant camera which were popular back then!!!Similar to selfies nowadays i suppose!!!!
The boys who did it never got punished. In fact the same week they jumped me in the boys toilet and attempted to brutally flush my head down the loo. One threw some horrible chemical in my face to catch me off guard (an elder brother had nicked it from the chemistry lab) then they rushed me. Fortunately, they got caught in the act by a prefect and got lines. I got burnt and stitches which left scars , broken glasses, and the week off school injured! That week i remember my mum made an exquisite French gateau which i munched my way through! My dad complained to the school governors who hushed it up!
By year 9 the violence had taken another turn with a couple of huge year 11 lads who tried several times to throttle me with a school tie or once a girl's skipping rope during lessons in the toilets ( i couldn't go during breaks due to gangs of bullies so made excuses during lesson time). I mostly managed to evade their attempts to ambush me but occasionally that didn't work! The fights were violent, bloody and we all ended up in detention. I had marks on my throat but every time the school ignored it/made light of it. My dad threatened to inform the police ( but never did) and just told me to fight better like a man next time!
I still have a mark on my neck from the stanley knife they threatened me with!!!!
To get revenge the 2 guys enlisted the help of their mates in another school to jump me on the way home. They ambushed me on my bike, threw a metal bar through the front wheel, and then as i lay bleeding on the ground rammed a bottle of rum into my mouth and emptied the contents into me!!! When i staggered home i didn't bother to tell my dad the real reason ( why bother anyway since i 'fell off' my bike virtually every week coming home from school), so i took my medicine ( cold bath, no tea followed by straight to bed) and forgot about it!
The physical violence i suffered daily at school was pretty mild compared to the occasions i've listed above. It was sly kicks in the groin in the boys changing room, a punch in the ribs while queueing for lunch, being spat at in the corridor, being pushed down a flight of stairs ( 'oh sorry miss he just kind of stumbled!)', part of a frog dumped down my back during biology, being deliberately peed on in urinals, food spat onto my plate in the cantine,pencils thrown at my face whilst the teacher's back was turned etc etc. I mostly didn't bother to fight back because i was always outnumbered, when i did the bulling just got worse and my dad shouted at me that i stupid, useless and should've hit them harder!
When every single day you lose count of the numbers of times you're hit, spat at, insulted, pushed, had stuff thrown at you just don't bother to react anymore, since you know the result if you do.
The times i fought back was when i was being half strangled in the toilets, having a year 11 prefect try to force my trousers down and stick an aptly named screwdriver up my arse, nearly being drowned in mud, having 3/4 bigger guys wrapping heavy duty tape round my mouth/nose while others kicked me in the ribs,or having food/stones/crap from the toilet forced down my throat till i could hardly breathe!
I probably endured more than 20 serious attempts to suffocate/strangle/drown me and not once did ever get any help with the resulting nightmares, fear of the dark and over eating.
Even now i have a fear of getting locked in a dark room due to once being bundled into a store cupboard, a fire extinguisher let off in my face and to finish the cupboard taped up!!!
The lab technicien got me out after i'd already lost consciousnous!
The comprehensive school had below average results, a headmaster who believed teenage kids were all angels and anyway ' boys will be boys!'.
My mum knew what was really happening and always made sure there was a lovely cake waiting for every evening i got home!!! The smell of freshly baked cake wafting through the house was wonderful!
Edited by rosbif77 on Wednesday 24th August 17:34
Edited by rosbif77 on Wednesday 24th August 17:42
Edited by rosbif77 on Wednesday 24th August 18:56
I doubt I would be able to put into words what you have endured without swearing. Unbelievable. This is not bullying but torture. In fact attempted murder.
No wonder your safety and comfort is food related. Your mum was your rock and I would not be surprised if the passing of your mother which was extremely tragic in itself made things worse as you ate more to be close to her memories. This is the reason you eat to feel happy.
You still have issues with other things as well which is just as a result of what was going on.
Honestly believe me when I say this it really is a miracle you have been able to live a life at all. Many would have given up but you were strong enough to continue.
Normally when you start fighting back the bullies start to get the message you are not to be messed with but this lot were more gang related. Impossible to avoid and impossible to fight.
Considering what you have gone through you are doing extremely well. Most people who have endured this type of violence can land up in jail or a path with drink and drugs.
I doubt many people could have been through what you have had to go through and not have many issues.
One quote which I always listen too is the following - Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Unfortunately we can't change the past but you can change your future.
When things have been so extreme it is extremely difficult to understand how it is possible to change.
The problem is if we do not start living in this exact moment in time and keep looking back it will destroy any future of happiness we want.
You do not want the pain and hurt of your childhood to continue making this present day another living nightmare.
This only allows the bullies to win which I am sure would not be your intentions.
Obviously it is hard given you advice via a message but I hope you know what I am trying to explain.
Trauma was your past. Your future depends on whether you allow your memories of these terrible situations to continue.
Your brain is like a computer. Whatever is punched in "sorry for using punched" it will continue to use until you teach or show it something better.
I am sure like many you would like a way of being able to suck these memories out of your head so that you can live life to the full.
Again to change your thinking pattern you need to be able to focus on the positive things in your life.
Write down what things you are proud of for example
1. Having a wonderful mother
2. Having two wonderful children.
3. Having a roof over my head
Etc. Etc.
Appreciate what you have at this moment in time and write it all down. Then write down your goals which you want to achieve.
Pin the paper in a place where you will see it everyday and read it before starting your day off.
When you are going to sleep read it through again.
Start to allow your brain to listen to positive parts of your life. The good things that have happened.
I know this might sound a bit wacky but for a test think of something you want to have or see.
Make it simple.
Like I want to see a red balloon or I want to see a certain car.
State this to yourself and then just "in your head" ask the universe to provide you with this thing.
Then forget about it.
I will guarantee that in a few days you will either receive the thing you asked for or you will see it.
I know this sounds like I have been smoking something strong but give it a go.
Once you start to see things working it will give you faith in the World you are living.
We are all energy and energy can come to us.
Honestly I am not on medication but please try it.
You have nothing to lose :-)
Just message if you want to chat again.
No wonder your safety and comfort is food related. Your mum was your rock and I would not be surprised if the passing of your mother which was extremely tragic in itself made things worse as you ate more to be close to her memories. This is the reason you eat to feel happy.
You still have issues with other things as well which is just as a result of what was going on.
Honestly believe me when I say this it really is a miracle you have been able to live a life at all. Many would have given up but you were strong enough to continue.
Normally when you start fighting back the bullies start to get the message you are not to be messed with but this lot were more gang related. Impossible to avoid and impossible to fight.
Considering what you have gone through you are doing extremely well. Most people who have endured this type of violence can land up in jail or a path with drink and drugs.
I doubt many people could have been through what you have had to go through and not have many issues.
One quote which I always listen too is the following - Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Unfortunately we can't change the past but you can change your future.
When things have been so extreme it is extremely difficult to understand how it is possible to change.
The problem is if we do not start living in this exact moment in time and keep looking back it will destroy any future of happiness we want.
You do not want the pain and hurt of your childhood to continue making this present day another living nightmare.
This only allows the bullies to win which I am sure would not be your intentions.
Obviously it is hard given you advice via a message but I hope you know what I am trying to explain.
Trauma was your past. Your future depends on whether you allow your memories of these terrible situations to continue.
Your brain is like a computer. Whatever is punched in "sorry for using punched" it will continue to use until you teach or show it something better.
I am sure like many you would like a way of being able to suck these memories out of your head so that you can live life to the full.
Again to change your thinking pattern you need to be able to focus on the positive things in your life.
Write down what things you are proud of for example
1. Having a wonderful mother
2. Having two wonderful children.
3. Having a roof over my head
Etc. Etc.
Appreciate what you have at this moment in time and write it all down. Then write down your goals which you want to achieve.
Pin the paper in a place where you will see it everyday and read it before starting your day off.
When you are going to sleep read it through again.
Start to allow your brain to listen to positive parts of your life. The good things that have happened.
I know this might sound a bit wacky but for a test think of something you want to have or see.
Make it simple.
Like I want to see a red balloon or I want to see a certain car.
State this to yourself and then just "in your head" ask the universe to provide you with this thing.
Then forget about it.
I will guarantee that in a few days you will either receive the thing you asked for or you will see it.
I know this sounds like I have been smoking something strong but give it a go.
Once you start to see things working it will give you faith in the World you are living.
We are all energy and energy can come to us.
Honestly I am not on medication but please try it.
You have nothing to lose :-)
Just message if you want to chat again.
Edited by anonymous-user on Wednesday 24th August 22:59
I suppose that i just did what was necessary to get through each day. No matter what emotional, physical or possible sexual abuse i endured i never received the help and support to stop it happening. Consequently, it was the 'fight or flight' mechanism that took over.
There were days when i just took the punches, kicks, blows and other days when as i was literally drowning in a toilet, in a pool of stinking mud, or feeling my ribs being crushed under the weight of several guys jumping on my chest, or seeing the world go dark as a year 11 pulled the tie round my thoat that the animal instinct of survival took over and i lashed out as violently as possible to stay alive.
Every night i would wake up soaked in sweat fighting the sheets like i was fighting to get out of the mud etc. No one really believed me, or wanted to believe me, when i told them how it felt to be strangled, suffocated, drowned since no boys in the school were capable of such brutality.
I never realised at the time how terrible the violence was i had to put up with. As a result i just buried it as deep as possible inside me.
When i was 28 i met by chance one of the guys who'd tried numerous times to drown me in the toilet/mud when i was at school.
He was an absolutely evil son of a b
h. I bumped into him in a Portsmouth pub by chance . I recognized him but he didn't remember me!!!!
He 'd made a fortune buying up failling small businesses, wrecking them and selling them off piece by pièce. He loved firing people. He bought his stepfather's business, ran it down then fired him!!! He eventually bought a huge manor house and retired 5 years ago a millionaire! The same year a local paper ran a story about how this wealthy local businessman had been convicted of animal cruelty by killing his daughter's dog by throwing it alive into a brick crushing machine( while he made her watch!!!) He found it amusing! His daughter wanted to be a vet which he didn't agree with so in a fit of rage killed the dog!!!!
There were days when i just took the punches, kicks, blows and other days when as i was literally drowning in a toilet, in a pool of stinking mud, or feeling my ribs being crushed under the weight of several guys jumping on my chest, or seeing the world go dark as a year 11 pulled the tie round my thoat that the animal instinct of survival took over and i lashed out as violently as possible to stay alive.
Every night i would wake up soaked in sweat fighting the sheets like i was fighting to get out of the mud etc. No one really believed me, or wanted to believe me, when i told them how it felt to be strangled, suffocated, drowned since no boys in the school were capable of such brutality.
I never realised at the time how terrible the violence was i had to put up with. As a result i just buried it as deep as possible inside me.
When i was 28 i met by chance one of the guys who'd tried numerous times to drown me in the toilet/mud when i was at school.
He was an absolutely evil son of a b
h. I bumped into him in a Portsmouth pub by chance . I recognized him but he didn't remember me!!!!He 'd made a fortune buying up failling small businesses, wrecking them and selling them off piece by pièce. He loved firing people. He bought his stepfather's business, ran it down then fired him!!! He eventually bought a huge manor house and retired 5 years ago a millionaire! The same year a local paper ran a story about how this wealthy local businessman had been convicted of animal cruelty by killing his daughter's dog by throwing it alive into a brick crushing machine( while he made her watch!!!) He found it amusing! His daughter wanted to be a vet which he didn't agree with so in a fit of rage killed the dog!!!!
Edited by rosbif77 on Thursday 25th August 14:13
Thanks for the comment. It's been liberating to reveal what i suffered in my youth but at the same time a bit scary. You never quite know what kind of response you going to get by talking about things which affected your whole life.
I've spent a large part of my life trying to hide my feelings of bitterness and anger about what happened to me in my relationship with food.
As EXCLUSIVEJIM correctly stated that explains a lot my weight problems since childhood.
I've spent a large part of my life trying to hide my feelings of bitterness and anger about what happened to me in my relationship with food.
As EXCLUSIVEJIM correctly stated that explains a lot my weight problems since childhood.
[quote=rosbif77]I suppose that i just did what was necessary to get through each day. No matter what emotional, physical or possible sexual abuse i endured i never received the help and support to stop it happening. Consequently, it was the 'fight or flight' mechanism that took over.
There were days when i just took the punches, kicks, blows and other days when as i was literally drowning in a toilet, in a pool of stinking mud, or feeling my ribs being crushed under the weight of several guys jumping on my chest, or seeing the world go dark as a year 11 pulled the tie round my thoat that the animal instinct of survival took over and i lashed out as violently as possible to stay alive.
Every night i would wake up soaked in sweat fighting the sheets like i was fighting to get out of the mud etc. No one really believed me, or wanted to believe me, when i told them how it felt to be strangled, suffocated, drowned since no boys in the school were capable of such brutality.
I never realised at the time how terrible the violence was i had to put up with. As a result i just buried it as deep as possible inside me.
When i was 28 i met by chance one of the guys who'd tried numerous times to drown me in the toilet/mud when i was at school.
He was an absolutely evil son of a bh. I bumped into him in a Portsmouth pub by chance . I recognized him but he didn't remember me!!!!
He 'd made a fortune buying up failling small businesses, wrecking them and selling them off piece by pièce. He loved firing people. He bought his stepfather's business, ran it down then fired him!!! He eventually bought a huge manor house and retired 5 years ago a millionaire! The same year a local paper ran a story about how this wealthy local businessman had been convicted of animal cruelty by killing his daughter's dog by throwing it alive into a brick crushing machine( while he made her watch!!!) He found it amusing! His daughter wanted to be a vet which he didn't agree with so in a fit of rage killed the dog!!!!
No wonder you have been struggling. As mentioned this was attempted murder in many cases.
Shocking a pupil had to go through this on a daily basis and nothing was done.
Again why was your father not sorting this out? Yes he states fighting back but if someone was doing this to my son I would not just be ignoring the situation.
Well his daughter is not going to land up a complete mess is she. Poor girl. And this is her father. So the bullying nature is still there.
Bullies boil my blood.
You wonder how it is possible someone like that has not been sorted out.
I am sure many people he has crossed would like to see him get Karma.
You must have been extremely tempted to take him out when you bumped into him at the pub especially when he did not remember you.
Perhaps he did but was worried about mentioning it?
Evil scum.
I have a feeling he will land up a very sad old man as who in their right minds will want to go anywhere near him.
I am sure he will have lost his daughter after doing that to her dog.
You must be glad that even after all this horrendous moments you were put through you were able to be normal and have a wonderful relationship with your children.
Yes the past affects you but this is not impacting on your kids.
No one can be or feel a failure when they have the love of their kids.
Just remember to concentrate on this positive aspect considering your circumstances :-)
There were days when i just took the punches, kicks, blows and other days when as i was literally drowning in a toilet, in a pool of stinking mud, or feeling my ribs being crushed under the weight of several guys jumping on my chest, or seeing the world go dark as a year 11 pulled the tie round my thoat that the animal instinct of survival took over and i lashed out as violently as possible to stay alive.
Every night i would wake up soaked in sweat fighting the sheets like i was fighting to get out of the mud etc. No one really believed me, or wanted to believe me, when i told them how it felt to be strangled, suffocated, drowned since no boys in the school were capable of such brutality.
I never realised at the time how terrible the violence was i had to put up with. As a result i just buried it as deep as possible inside me.
When i was 28 i met by chance one of the guys who'd tried numerous times to drown me in the toilet/mud when i was at school.
He was an absolutely evil son of a b
h. I bumped into him in a Portsmouth pub by chance . I recognized him but he didn't remember me!!!!He 'd made a fortune buying up failling small businesses, wrecking them and selling them off piece by pièce. He loved firing people. He bought his stepfather's business, ran it down then fired him!!! He eventually bought a huge manor house and retired 5 years ago a millionaire! The same year a local paper ran a story about how this wealthy local businessman had been convicted of animal cruelty by killing his daughter's dog by throwing it alive into a brick crushing machine( while he made her watch!!!) He found it amusing! His daughter wanted to be a vet which he didn't agree with so in a fit of rage killed the dog!!!!
No wonder you have been struggling. As mentioned this was attempted murder in many cases.
Shocking a pupil had to go through this on a daily basis and nothing was done.
Again why was your father not sorting this out? Yes he states fighting back but if someone was doing this to my son I would not just be ignoring the situation.
Well his daughter is not going to land up a complete mess is she. Poor girl. And this is her father. So the bullying nature is still there.
Bullies boil my blood.
You wonder how it is possible someone like that has not been sorted out.
I am sure many people he has crossed would like to see him get Karma.
You must have been extremely tempted to take him out when you bumped into him at the pub especially when he did not remember you.
Perhaps he did but was worried about mentioning it?
Evil scum.
I have a feeling he will land up a very sad old man as who in their right minds will want to go anywhere near him.
I am sure he will have lost his daughter after doing that to her dog.
You must be glad that even after all this horrendous moments you were put through you were able to be normal and have a wonderful relationship with your children.
Yes the past affects you but this is not impacting on your kids.
No one can be or feel a failure when they have the love of their kids.
Just remember to concentrate on this positive aspect considering your circumstances :-)
My experiences at school added to what was happening at home had a terrible effect on my self esteem and self confidence. Everyone around me viewed me as a human punching ball ( quite literally at school) and no matter how hard i tried to stick up for myself i couldn't defend myself against all the waves of criticism, insults, slaps, punches etc that i endured literally every day for 5 years at secondary school.
When i moved to the sixth form the insults, mocking, spitting took a more cunning turn with students spitting in my hair/back whilst i walked by and there was always a minimum of 5/6 guys ready to dish out violence if i fought back. I was top in my A level classes at history, English and commerce and that just made the bullies i'd known since secondary school even angrier!
They'd still try to push me down a flight of stairs but this time i'd learnt some self defense so would use their momentum to push them down!! They learnt quickly to always be a group of 8-10 hanging out on the stairs waiting for me. The teachers were even more useless concerning bullying, however the bullies in the 6th form never tried to have a go at me in the toilets because i'd 'acquired' a pretty useful punch!!!
I was also the first in my year to pass their driving test, although my dad's response was muted ( no champagne or special meal just 'it's normal'). I was the first in my year to also buy their first car and drive it to the 6th form.The bullies reacted badly to this and slashed my tyres, wrote graffiti on the car and even dumped a bag of horse manure on it ( one had a rich farmer as dad). Back then there was video cameras so nothing was ever proven!!!
All this didn't stop me driving my car every day and i always left after the coach taking the students back so i could overtake it on the road home!!!! The bullies hated that!
Despite having achieved the above i didn't improve my self esteem. I just thought 'it was normal' ( like my dad repeated ) and since i still had to put up with bullying at the 6th form and had no friends, i though passing my test and getting excellent school results was nothing to be proud of.
As the years passed a lot of the bullies from my childhood went on to achieve things professionally. Apart from the year 11 who became a wealthy businessman ( see earlier post), his year 11 mate inherited the family garage and with cash from the grandparents bought up 3 garages. He had the self confidence to run them and received every possible support from his family to go on and expand the business. He probably worked hard but at the same time inflicting mental and physical abuse on a fellow pupil for 5 years didn't effect his attitude towards life. He never lacked the self confidence like i did.
Other bullies from school enjoyed their parents encouraging them during sports day, constantly talking up their school achievements, having parents who paid for the annual school skiing trip or who were always there to encourage them. They got pocket money and cinema tickets from their parents which i never had.
I could never go to the cinema so i invented my own plots and wrote them down at night under the bed covers.
I never understood what motivated the kids from well off families who enjoyed a very comfortable school life, or kids from poorer families with very supportive parents , to inflict such brutal treatment on a fellow classmate. They all behaved like sheep at school and followed 2 guys who were in my year group. These 2 had parents who were GP's and accountants and wanted for nothing. However, at the time they relished in their role of gang leaders dishing out violence on a daily basis.
One became an architect and now owns his own agency in Dubai whilst the other became a stock broker and now lives in London.
It's true that money doesn't buy happiness but at the same time it makes life a lot more easier.
To finish this post i'll quote my dad who's told me several times over the years
' the reason why you've never got on life is because you lack character. You don't have what it takes to stick things out and get through the tough times.You've only got yourself to blame for what happens to you in life.'
Edited by rosbif77 on Saturday 27th August 16:15
Edited by rosbif77 on Saturday 27th August 16:49
Edited by rosbif77 on Saturday 27th August 17:14
[quote=rosbif77]
My experiences at school added to what was happening at home had a terrible effect on my self esteem and self confidence. Everyone around me viewed me as a human punching ball ( quite literally at school) and no matter how hard i tried to stick up for myself i couldn't defend myself against all the waves of criticism, insults, slaps, punches etc that i endured literally every day for 5 years at secondary school.
When i moved to the sixth form the insults, mocking, spitting took a more cunning turn with students spitting in my hair/back whilst i walked by and there was always a minimum of 5/6 guys ready to dish out violence if i fought back. I was top in my A level classes at history, English and commerce and that just made the bullies i'd known since secondary school even angrier!
They'd still try to push me down a flight of stairs but this time i'd learnt some self defense so would use their momentum to push them down!! They learnt quickly to always be a group of 8-10 hanging out on the stairs waiting for me. The teachers were even more useless concerning bullying, however the bullies in the 6th form never tried to have a go at me in the toilets because i'd 'acquired' a pretty useful punch!!!
I was also the first in my year to pass their driving test, although my dad's response was muted ( no champagne or special meal just 'it's normal'). I was the first in my year to also buy their first car and drive it to the 6th form.The bullies reacted badly to this and slashed my tyres, wrote graffiti on the car and even dumped a bag of horse manure on it ( one had a rich farmer as dad). Back then there was video cameras so nothing was ever proven!!!
All this didn't stop me driving my car every day and i always left after the coach taking the students back so i could overtake it on the road home!!!! The bullies hated that!
Despite having achieved the above i didn't improve my self esteem. I just thought 'it was normal' ( like my dad repeated ) and since i still had to put up with bullying at the 6th form and had no friends, i though passing my test and getting excellent school results was nothing to be proud of.
As the years passed a lot of the bullies from my childhood went on to achieve things professionally. Apart from the year 11 who became a wealthy businessman ( see earlier post), his year 11 mate inherited the family garage and with cash from the grandparents bought up 3 garages. He had the self confidence to run them and received every possible support from his family to go on and expand the business. He probably worked hard but at the same time inflicting mental and physical abuse on a fellow pupil for 5 years didn't effect his attitude towards life. He never lacked the self confidence like i did.
Other bullies from school enjoyed their parents encouraging them during sports day, constantly talking up their school achievements, having parents who paid for the annual school skiing trip or who were always there to encourage them. They got pocket money and cinema tickets from their parents which i never had.
I could never go to the cinema so i invented my own plots and wrote them down at night under the bed covers.
I never understood what motivated the kids from well off families who enjoyed a very comfortable school life, or kids from poorer families with very supportive parents , to inflict such brutal treatment on a fellow classmate. They all behaved like sheep at school and followed 2 guys who were in my year group. These 2 had parents who were GP's and accountants and wanted for nothing. However, at the time they relished in their role of gang leaders dishing out violence on a daily basis.
One became an architect and now owns his own agency in Dubai whilst the other became a stock broker and now lives in London.
It's true that money doesn't buy happiness but at the same time it makes life a lot more easier.
To finish this post i'll quote my dad who's told me several times over the years
' the reason why you've never got on life is because you lack character. You don't have what it takes to stick things out and get through the tough times.You've only got yourself to blame for what happens to you in life.'
Considering your upbringing why do you even try to have a relationship with your father?
What benefit or help has he given you in the past or present?
I stopped speaking to my father 6 years ago and have had no contact with him. I did not need someone abusive or negative in my life. Since he has not been in my life the difference has been great. I will not have any contact with him again.
The bullies in your childhood are now not in your life but the first bully "your father" is still there causing you nothing but pain. If your father had supported you the bullies would not have had a grip on your life. He made you feel worthless and this put you at the mercy of the bullies.
They knew you would be a easy target emotionally. When you fought back they would just increase the numbers. Your father again did nothing but blamed you. The only person who did care for you passed away.
Personally I would stop all contact with your father. But this is your decision.
As hard as it is you need to forgive the bullies and the past terrible events. If you can forgive the past and put a line under it you will be able to start your life again from today.
I remember someone told me this quote which really helped my with my past
"Holding onto anger is like drinking poison expecting the other person to die"
I was angry and it only me who was making myself ill. The people I wanted revenge on carried on with their lives not giving a s***.
I know what I am saying is easier said than done but the sooner you can give up the past the sooner you can move forward.
Again your father is still a horrible person who loves to make you feel worthless. Perhaps it is time to cut the cord.
Again if you need to talk just message :-)
My experiences at school added to what was happening at home had a terrible effect on my self esteem and self confidence. Everyone around me viewed me as a human punching ball ( quite literally at school) and no matter how hard i tried to stick up for myself i couldn't defend myself against all the waves of criticism, insults, slaps, punches etc that i endured literally every day for 5 years at secondary school.
When i moved to the sixth form the insults, mocking, spitting took a more cunning turn with students spitting in my hair/back whilst i walked by and there was always a minimum of 5/6 guys ready to dish out violence if i fought back. I was top in my A level classes at history, English and commerce and that just made the bullies i'd known since secondary school even angrier!
They'd still try to push me down a flight of stairs but this time i'd learnt some self defense so would use their momentum to push them down!! They learnt quickly to always be a group of 8-10 hanging out on the stairs waiting for me. The teachers were even more useless concerning bullying, however the bullies in the 6th form never tried to have a go at me in the toilets because i'd 'acquired' a pretty useful punch!!!
I was also the first in my year to pass their driving test, although my dad's response was muted ( no champagne or special meal just 'it's normal'). I was the first in my year to also buy their first car and drive it to the 6th form.The bullies reacted badly to this and slashed my tyres, wrote graffiti on the car and even dumped a bag of horse manure on it ( one had a rich farmer as dad). Back then there was video cameras so nothing was ever proven!!!
All this didn't stop me driving my car every day and i always left after the coach taking the students back so i could overtake it on the road home!!!! The bullies hated that!
Despite having achieved the above i didn't improve my self esteem. I just thought 'it was normal' ( like my dad repeated ) and since i still had to put up with bullying at the 6th form and had no friends, i though passing my test and getting excellent school results was nothing to be proud of.
As the years passed a lot of the bullies from my childhood went on to achieve things professionally. Apart from the year 11 who became a wealthy businessman ( see earlier post), his year 11 mate inherited the family garage and with cash from the grandparents bought up 3 garages. He had the self confidence to run them and received every possible support from his family to go on and expand the business. He probably worked hard but at the same time inflicting mental and physical abuse on a fellow pupil for 5 years didn't effect his attitude towards life. He never lacked the self confidence like i did.
Other bullies from school enjoyed their parents encouraging them during sports day, constantly talking up their school achievements, having parents who paid for the annual school skiing trip or who were always there to encourage them. They got pocket money and cinema tickets from their parents which i never had.
I could never go to the cinema so i invented my own plots and wrote them down at night under the bed covers.
I never understood what motivated the kids from well off families who enjoyed a very comfortable school life, or kids from poorer families with very supportive parents , to inflict such brutal treatment on a fellow classmate. They all behaved like sheep at school and followed 2 guys who were in my year group. These 2 had parents who were GP's and accountants and wanted for nothing. However, at the time they relished in their role of gang leaders dishing out violence on a daily basis.
One became an architect and now owns his own agency in Dubai whilst the other became a stock broker and now lives in London.
It's true that money doesn't buy happiness but at the same time it makes life a lot more easier.
To finish this post i'll quote my dad who's told me several times over the years
' the reason why you've never got on life is because you lack character. You don't have what it takes to stick things out and get through the tough times.You've only got yourself to blame for what happens to you in life.'
Considering your upbringing why do you even try to have a relationship with your father?
What benefit or help has he given you in the past or present?
I stopped speaking to my father 6 years ago and have had no contact with him. I did not need someone abusive or negative in my life. Since he has not been in my life the difference has been great. I will not have any contact with him again.
The bullies in your childhood are now not in your life but the first bully "your father" is still there causing you nothing but pain. If your father had supported you the bullies would not have had a grip on your life. He made you feel worthless and this put you at the mercy of the bullies.
They knew you would be a easy target emotionally. When you fought back they would just increase the numbers. Your father again did nothing but blamed you. The only person who did care for you passed away.
Personally I would stop all contact with your father. But this is your decision.
As hard as it is you need to forgive the bullies and the past terrible events. If you can forgive the past and put a line under it you will be able to start your life again from today.
I remember someone told me this quote which really helped my with my past
"Holding onto anger is like drinking poison expecting the other person to die"
I was angry and it only me who was making myself ill. The people I wanted revenge on carried on with their lives not giving a s***.
I know what I am saying is easier said than done but the sooner you can give up the past the sooner you can move forward.
Again your father is still a horrible person who loves to make you feel worthless. Perhaps it is time to cut the cord.
Again if you need to talk just message :-)
Edited by anonymous-user on Sunday 28th August 13:37
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