Family member with mental health problems
Discussion
Sorry this is a bit of a rant/agony aunt style post but I don't really know what else to do. I've been to the doctors today to ask if there is any support available but they were useless.
I find with a member of my family im really struggling to have my own life, and over the last week, even get time to eat or go to work due to them suffering mental health issues. My relationship is suffering after one ending in no small part due to this family member, and if I don't help them when they're having a bad few days/weeks and leave them to it they just get worse and nastier towards me.
I am somehow expected to work 11 hour night shifts to pay my own bills, squeeze in my own cleaning, washing etc and try and find some spare time to see my GF, and also walk my mums dog for her, take her to appointments for illnesses she's made up for attention, sleep round there in the spare room even though I struggle sleeping during the day anyway (nights), do loads of other running around, barely have time to eat etc. Even though I'm
Convinced she's okay, has her own money and a car to look after herself.
Then the worst bit, nothing is ever enough. I'm being spoken to so appallingly and having so much demanded of me, when I retaliate im the worst person in the world even though I've been saying nothing for days and keeping quiet, just trying to help out however much I can. I don't have the time and energy any more. I want a normal life, I want to dedicate more time to work, I want to spend more time with my girlfriend in my own house, have time for cleaning and cooking like normal people. Socialise without worrying. Just live life not waiting for the next big disaster or demanding phone call, none of which I've brought on myself. I'm only 25 and I've had this for years now, I just feel like it should be my time, and I don't want to feel selfish for thinking that.
I even moved closer to try and make it easier on myself, less driving... But it's just meant im being put upon more and more, and she doesn't have any other family really besides me.
I suspect the mental health issues aren't even that bad, most people assume she's just selfish and horrible, and there's nothing wrong with her, The psychiatrist is struggling to help because she won't take anything he prescibes to help. There is of course days & sometimes weeks where she can be totally normal and nice, but when it's during a bad day/week, this seems very very distant to me.
Without knowing more detail and background, I know it's hard for anyone to give decent advice. I suppose I just wanted to get it off my chest. I just want to completely ignore her, turn off my phone, live each day for myself but I know I can't, Im never free of it. How much should someone be expected to do for a family member in a situation such as this? Aside from giving up my job and losing everything I have to look after this person, who really doesn't actualy need or deserve it, what can I do?
My ex girlfriend tried getting me to shut her out when she gets demanding, it turns to abuse, and then she will literally force herself to have a mental breakdown. It's like its all for attention and I can't do anything other than pander to it. Or emigrate.
Does anyone know of anywhere I can get some support or advice on mental health issues at all please?
I find with a member of my family im really struggling to have my own life, and over the last week, even get time to eat or go to work due to them suffering mental health issues. My relationship is suffering after one ending in no small part due to this family member, and if I don't help them when they're having a bad few days/weeks and leave them to it they just get worse and nastier towards me.
I am somehow expected to work 11 hour night shifts to pay my own bills, squeeze in my own cleaning, washing etc and try and find some spare time to see my GF, and also walk my mums dog for her, take her to appointments for illnesses she's made up for attention, sleep round there in the spare room even though I struggle sleeping during the day anyway (nights), do loads of other running around, barely have time to eat etc. Even though I'm
Convinced she's okay, has her own money and a car to look after herself.
Then the worst bit, nothing is ever enough. I'm being spoken to so appallingly and having so much demanded of me, when I retaliate im the worst person in the world even though I've been saying nothing for days and keeping quiet, just trying to help out however much I can. I don't have the time and energy any more. I want a normal life, I want to dedicate more time to work, I want to spend more time with my girlfriend in my own house, have time for cleaning and cooking like normal people. Socialise without worrying. Just live life not waiting for the next big disaster or demanding phone call, none of which I've brought on myself. I'm only 25 and I've had this for years now, I just feel like it should be my time, and I don't want to feel selfish for thinking that.
I even moved closer to try and make it easier on myself, less driving... But it's just meant im being put upon more and more, and she doesn't have any other family really besides me.
I suspect the mental health issues aren't even that bad, most people assume she's just selfish and horrible, and there's nothing wrong with her, The psychiatrist is struggling to help because she won't take anything he prescibes to help. There is of course days & sometimes weeks where she can be totally normal and nice, but when it's during a bad day/week, this seems very very distant to me.
Without knowing more detail and background, I know it's hard for anyone to give decent advice. I suppose I just wanted to get it off my chest. I just want to completely ignore her, turn off my phone, live each day for myself but I know I can't, Im never free of it. How much should someone be expected to do for a family member in a situation such as this? Aside from giving up my job and losing everything I have to look after this person, who really doesn't actualy need or deserve it, what can I do?
My ex girlfriend tried getting me to shut her out when she gets demanding, it turns to abuse, and then she will literally force herself to have a mental breakdown. It's like its all for attention and I can't do anything other than pander to it. Or emigrate.
Does anyone know of anywhere I can get some support or advice on mental health issues at all please?
You can't give in to constant emotional blackmail.
If it's making you ill, then take a step back. You can only do what you can do. If the consequences of that aren't nice for your family member, it's not your fault, you're not superman (speaking from experience here). Help when you can, don't put up with too much abuse and grief, and don't feel bad for making time for yourself. I know it's easier said than done.
If it's making you ill, then take a step back. You can only do what you can do. If the consequences of that aren't nice for your family member, it's not your fault, you're not superman (speaking from experience here). Help when you can, don't put up with too much abuse and grief, and don't feel bad for making time for yourself. I know it's easier said than done.
Hi , these are worth contacting . Also Google up your local mental health services . Your own wellbeing is what's most important in this situation . This is very draining to cope with on your own . Hopefully you will find good support and advice from these . Look after yourself.
Home | Mind, the mental health charity - help for mental health problems
http://www.mind.org.uk/
Help & support for people affected by mental illness. - Rethink Mental Illness, the mental health charity
https://www.rethink.org/
Home | Mind, the mental health charity - help for mental health problems
http://www.mind.org.uk/
Help & support for people affected by mental illness. - Rethink Mental Illness, the mental health charity
https://www.rethink.org/
Look after yourself above everything. If you're not around, then no-one gets your support!
Your priorities (as you've wrote them down) seem spot on and you need to stand by them:
(1) Your own peace of mind and stabilty
(2) Immediate relationship ie girlfriend
(3) Extended family
Seek support and strategies that you need to stand by. Mental health issues are never easy, but things can be put in place to help everyone. Carrying on 'as is' is NOT an option. I've heard the 'we should wait and see' and then act on the next catastophe!
People can be controlling at times, but the cycle CAN be broken.
At 25, you should be enjoying life...
Your priorities (as you've wrote them down) seem spot on and you need to stand by them:
(1) Your own peace of mind and stabilty
(2) Immediate relationship ie girlfriend
(3) Extended family
Seek support and strategies that you need to stand by. Mental health issues are never easy, but things can be put in place to help everyone. Carrying on 'as is' is NOT an option. I've heard the 'we should wait and see' and then act on the next catastophe!
People can be controlling at times, but the cycle CAN be broken.
At 25, you should be enjoying life...
Thanks for the replies. I am going to look in to mind and re think tomorrow.
It's hard to know what to do and what is and isn't normal in a situation like this. Hard to know how much I should be doing and when to say no and put myself first. The more information I can get the better.
Apologies for not replying to individual comments, it's been a difficult day and my brain is fried!
It's hard to know what to do and what is and isn't normal in a situation like this. Hard to know how much I should be doing and when to say no and put myself first. The more information I can get the better.
Apologies for not replying to individual comments, it's been a difficult day and my brain is fried!
is this your mother?, not totally clear from you original post as your mention of mum segways into further info about your relative which could be interpreted as being your mum.
if you like, message me with some more details - demographics, aetiology, specific manifestations of her mental health problems and i'll offer my thoughts (which will be very general as the patient isn't in front of me)
initial question would be - what was the pre-morbid presentation (has it always been this way or has it changed)?. deviations from baseline behaviours are always worthy of investigation but what investigation? the nature of the onset would determine what needs looking at - acute onset with rapid change always suggests something organic but if this is chronic then probably more personality driven.
your mention of appointments for medical reviews which don't seem warranted is also reasonably suggestive of personality/characterlogical problems. care seeking behaviour ? (which might also explain the unreasonable demands that you are being subjected to).
paul
if you like, message me with some more details - demographics, aetiology, specific manifestations of her mental health problems and i'll offer my thoughts (which will be very general as the patient isn't in front of me)
initial question would be - what was the pre-morbid presentation (has it always been this way or has it changed)?. deviations from baseline behaviours are always worthy of investigation but what investigation? the nature of the onset would determine what needs looking at - acute onset with rapid change always suggests something organic but if this is chronic then probably more personality driven.
your mention of appointments for medical reviews which don't seem warranted is also reasonably suggestive of personality/characterlogical problems. care seeking behaviour ? (which might also explain the unreasonable demands that you are being subjected to).
paul
You need to look out for yourself first, anyone else second.
http://www.sane.org.uk/what_we_do/support/
http://www.sane.org.uk/what_we_do/support/
I feel for you OP.
I have been in a similar situation with my brother though he did have other people he could slag me off to.
It got to the point where I was to blame for his chronic depression(apparently). He had somehow convinced our parents that I was at fault so in the end, I told them all to go f
k themselves(that was not easy to do but at the time I meant it, I had truely had enough). Funnily enough, that did the trick.
He would cut himself etc which in turn was "my fault" according to everyone else but it got to the point where I didn't care anymore. Well, I guess I did, I obviously didn't want any harm to come to him but if he was so intent on blaming everything on me when I had done nothing wrong, what could I do?
He has never apologised as such but he did back down and we started talking again. I told him he needed professional help. Once he broke down and agreed I got him to get in touch with mind(mentioned above). They were superb, I genuinely can't recommend them enough.
He had someone come to see him on a weekly basis, take him for lunch, give him a ring in the evenings etc. It was just like him having a really good friend that knew how to handle the issues he had.
That was about 2 years ago. He is pretty much back to normal now even to the point he will ring me just for a chat from time to time.
I guess what I am saying is there is very little YOU can do without professional intervention. Mind know exactly what they are doing. They are nice people so just give them a call and even if your mother won't go along with it, they may well be able to give you some advice.
I hope it all works out for you.
I have been in a similar situation with my brother though he did have other people he could slag me off to.
It got to the point where I was to blame for his chronic depression(apparently). He had somehow convinced our parents that I was at fault so in the end, I told them all to go f
k themselves(that was not easy to do but at the time I meant it, I had truely had enough). Funnily enough, that did the trick.He would cut himself etc which in turn was "my fault" according to everyone else but it got to the point where I didn't care anymore. Well, I guess I did, I obviously didn't want any harm to come to him but if he was so intent on blaming everything on me when I had done nothing wrong, what could I do?
He has never apologised as such but he did back down and we started talking again. I told him he needed professional help. Once he broke down and agreed I got him to get in touch with mind(mentioned above). They were superb, I genuinely can't recommend them enough.
He had someone come to see him on a weekly basis, take him for lunch, give him a ring in the evenings etc. It was just like him having a really good friend that knew how to handle the issues he had.
That was about 2 years ago. He is pretty much back to normal now even to the point he will ring me just for a chat from time to time.
I guess what I am saying is there is very little YOU can do without professional intervention. Mind know exactly what they are doing. They are nice people so just give them a call and even if your mother won't go along with it, they may well be able to give you some advice.
I hope it all works out for you.
Read this: https://www.amazon.co.uk/d/cka/Hate-You-Dont-Leave...
Set boundaries with your Mum. You need to have a chat about what you will do for her and what you won't do for her. Then stick to them
You also need to find a support group for her and for you
Set boundaries with your Mum. You need to have a chat about what you will do for her and what you won't do for her. Then stick to them
You also need to find a support group for her and for you
It's a very difficult situation to be in.
I had been the focus of a family member's anger for many years, and it was a no-win situation. Trying to solve the problem only made things worse, as they believed my attempts to sort things out had a sinister motive. Eventually I gave up and did my best to remove that person from my life. Things have improved a lot since, probably due to them moving onto someone else to take their frustrations out on.
Mental heath problems of this kind are near impossible to fix, as you will always be seen as the 'bad guy'.
Sorry I don't have anything positive to say, and I hope things work out for you eventually.
I had been the focus of a family member's anger for many years, and it was a no-win situation. Trying to solve the problem only made things worse, as they believed my attempts to sort things out had a sinister motive. Eventually I gave up and did my best to remove that person from my life. Things have improved a lot since, probably due to them moving onto someone else to take their frustrations out on.
Mental heath problems of this kind are near impossible to fix, as you will always be seen as the 'bad guy'.
Sorry I don't have anything positive to say, and I hope things work out for you eventually.
Emotional blackmail is hard to deal with, but you can step back from this. In fact it sounds like you need to.
If you need support in doing so, it's worth looking at resources for children of borderline or narcissistic parents. e.g. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intellige...https://www.amazon.co.uk/Understanding-Borderline-...
If you need support in doing so, it's worth looking at resources for children of borderline or narcissistic parents. e.g. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intellige...https://www.amazon.co.uk/Understanding-Borderline-...
I really appreciate the replies and the people who have taken time to post links.
After calling in sick to work last night and locking myself away for some peace and quiet, and after a lot of sleep, I'm feeling a lot better.
It's probably worth mentioning that my mother has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and has been through pretty much all of the treatments and help the NHS has to offer (so more or less nothing). She has suffered from acute mental health problems in the past, typically a year or so after a death in the family, which triggers a breakdown/some sort of psychotic episode. The last one was around 5 years ago now and she's pretty much completely fine now, besides this BPD.
If anyone else were to treat me this way, there is no doubt Id have nothing to do with them ever again, but the fact it's my mum, who 80% of the time is fantastic, helpful and caring, and that its a MH problem as opposed to just her being horrible, means I keep on doing what im doing.
Perhaps it requires a shift in my mindset, that when I can't do something or have other priorities, I just have to take whatever destructive consequences she throws at me, and switch off to it. I know if I let it continue to control my life, I will ultimately ruin other things that are important to me, my relationship for example.
I just don't want to be made to feel guilty any more for trying to live my own life and putting things other than my 47 year old mother first. She is after all an adult... BPD or not.
I'm going to look in to ways of coping and support for myself, and if anyone can recommend any private therapies for BPD sufferers then I'm all ears, I'd definitely pay for some decent help for her seeig as the NHS have been pretty rubbish with this.
Again, sorry I haven't replied to each post individually. I've been rushed off my feet just lately and forcing myself to have some time out. Thanks again all.
After calling in sick to work last night and locking myself away for some peace and quiet, and after a lot of sleep, I'm feeling a lot better.
It's probably worth mentioning that my mother has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and has been through pretty much all of the treatments and help the NHS has to offer (so more or less nothing). She has suffered from acute mental health problems in the past, typically a year or so after a death in the family, which triggers a breakdown/some sort of psychotic episode. The last one was around 5 years ago now and she's pretty much completely fine now, besides this BPD.
If anyone else were to treat me this way, there is no doubt Id have nothing to do with them ever again, but the fact it's my mum, who 80% of the time is fantastic, helpful and caring, and that its a MH problem as opposed to just her being horrible, means I keep on doing what im doing.
Perhaps it requires a shift in my mindset, that when I can't do something or have other priorities, I just have to take whatever destructive consequences she throws at me, and switch off to it. I know if I let it continue to control my life, I will ultimately ruin other things that are important to me, my relationship for example.
I just don't want to be made to feel guilty any more for trying to live my own life and putting things other than my 47 year old mother first. She is after all an adult... BPD or not.
I'm going to look in to ways of coping and support for myself, and if anyone can recommend any private therapies for BPD sufferers then I'm all ears, I'd definitely pay for some decent help for her seeig as the NHS have been pretty rubbish with this.
Again, sorry I haven't replied to each post individually. I've been rushed off my feet just lately and forcing myself to have some time out. Thanks again all.
V12biTurbo said:
It's probably worth mentioning that my mother has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder
That was fairly plain to see within the first few lines of your OP. There are support groups set up by many local charities and councils, some are better than others. I mean for you, rather than your Mum. Having been in a relationship with someone who has BPD I found it really really important to not be their carer. There's more qualified people available for them, however hard you might have to fight to find them
I mentioned one book earlier, here's another; https://www.amazon.co.uk/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Bo...
I found books a great source of information and if you're anything like me sometimes you can put others needs before your own, and that's not good for you.
PS - I also saw a psychotherapist for a variety of reasons, this being one of them
Edited by andy-xr on Wednesday 18th January 15:07
V12biTurbo said:
I'm going to look in to ways of coping and support for myself, and if anyone can recommend any private therapies for BPD sufferers then I'm all ears, I'd definitely pay for some decent help for her seeig as the NHS have been pretty rubbish with this.
CAT therapy claims to be fairly successful with BPD. No idea if that's true thoughhttp://www.acat.me.uk/page/cat+and+borderline+pers...
BPD suffers tend to get better with age, according to the literature. However she won't be able to grow if she's being maintained in her current behaviour patterns and currently tiny and not very comfortable comfort zone by desperately well-meaning relatives. Hard as it might sound, giving her a little space and stopping propping her up might also benefit her, as well as you.
Dialectical therapies were specifically formulated for treating BPD.
until quite recently, even psychiatry didn't want to have anything to do with the personality disorders (which misses the point that keeping them at bay merely reinforces their underlying psychopathology).
assuming consent and cooperation, start point would be your local secondary MH services. the personality disorders usually have a diagnosis specific service - it'll be called "Complex Needs" or similar. the fact that they have their "own" services might suggest to you that this is not something you'll deal with unilaterally.
if you have access to funding for private healthcare, DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy) is what you should be looking for
paul
until quite recently, even psychiatry didn't want to have anything to do with the personality disorders (which misses the point that keeping them at bay merely reinforces their underlying psychopathology).
assuming consent and cooperation, start point would be your local secondary MH services. the personality disorders usually have a diagnosis specific service - it'll be called "Complex Needs" or similar. the fact that they have their "own" services might suggest to you that this is not something you'll deal with unilaterally.
if you have access to funding for private healthcare, DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy) is what you should be looking for
paul
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