Concerned about OH's drinking
Discussion
As per the title really.
I found 2 bottles of Bacardi in her wardrobe recently - 1 empty, 1 half full - and asked her about them. She admitted she sometimes needs a drink to relax. But hiding it concerns me massively. Fast forward a few weeks and I smelt alcohol on her breath and found 2 bottles of wine (half empty) in her drawers.
But it carries on. She regular gets up in the middle of the night to get a water (which she does bring up) but in the morning it's clear that the wine that was in the fridge has been drunk.
I've confronted her a couple of times (above) but I'm not sure where to go from here as it's clear it's still going on. I'd rather not snoop and keep looking through her belongings but if I don't what will happen? Nothing I suspect which is my concern.
She does work and sometimes has to go into work early and I have told her that drinking half a bottle of wine through the tonight could put her over the limit when driving to work but it seems to make no difference.
Any help/thoughts would be really appreciated.
I found 2 bottles of Bacardi in her wardrobe recently - 1 empty, 1 half full - and asked her about them. She admitted she sometimes needs a drink to relax. But hiding it concerns me massively. Fast forward a few weeks and I smelt alcohol on her breath and found 2 bottles of wine (half empty) in her drawers.
But it carries on. She regular gets up in the middle of the night to get a water (which she does bring up) but in the morning it's clear that the wine that was in the fridge has been drunk.
I've confronted her a couple of times (above) but I'm not sure where to go from here as it's clear it's still going on. I'd rather not snoop and keep looking through her belongings but if I don't what will happen? Nothing I suspect which is my concern.
She does work and sometimes has to go into work early and I have told her that drinking half a bottle of wine through the tonight could put her over the limit when driving to work but it seems to make no difference.
Any help/thoughts would be really appreciated.
Confrontation may not be the best approach. (Also you may not have meant it as aggressively as it could be construed, so We'll leave it there. No need for semantics as a distraction)
She needs to face up to what she's doing, which certainly sounds like problem drinking. It's rarely if ever the solution to the underlying problem, should there be one, so it'll only do her harm in the long run.
Does your employer have any kind of wellness/employee assistance programme? I work in the public sector and we have a facility called Care First which offers confidential, impartial advice. I'd go there first were I in your position.
Failing that, try Al-Anon's helpline 02074030888
She needs to face up to what she's doing, which certainly sounds like problem drinking. It's rarely if ever the solution to the underlying problem, should there be one, so it'll only do her harm in the long run.
Does your employer have any kind of wellness/employee assistance programme? I work in the public sector and we have a facility called Care First which offers confidential, impartial advice. I'd go there first were I in your position.
Failing that, try Al-Anon's helpline 02074030888
Does she have history of mental health problems ever in her life? even from a long time ago?
I would simply ask her how she is. don't mention the Alcohol at all, just ask her how thing are, if she is worried about anything, if you can help her with anything. Just re-assure her that you are there to help.
I would simply ask her how she is. don't mention the Alcohol at all, just ask her how thing are, if she is worried about anything, if you can help her with anything. Just re-assure her that you are there to help.
Firstly thank you so much for responding.
Yes, I am aware that confrontation may not have been the best way but I was angry and concerned with what I'd found. And as I said, if I hadn't had said anything I fear it would have gone unchecked. But I also fear now that my actions could push her actions deeper.
Regarding mental issues, yes she has had these in the past. She was in a bad marriage (not to me!!) some 20 years ago and had to give up a job a few years ago due to 'bullying' issues at work. Her dad also passed away a few years ago at this time of the year so this is an especially difficult time for her.
My employer does have a confidential helpline and I may ring them as I am struggling to cope with this and/or know how to cope.
Yes, I am aware that confrontation may not have been the best way but I was angry and concerned with what I'd found. And as I said, if I hadn't had said anything I fear it would have gone unchecked. But I also fear now that my actions could push her actions deeper.
Regarding mental issues, yes she has had these in the past. She was in a bad marriage (not to me!!) some 20 years ago and had to give up a job a few years ago due to 'bullying' issues at work. Her dad also passed away a few years ago at this time of the year so this is an especially difficult time for her.
My employer does have a confidential helpline and I may ring them as I am struggling to cope with this and/or know how to cope.
carew said:
Firstly thank you so much for responding.
My employer does have a confidential helpline and I may ring them as I am struggling to cope with this and/or know how to cope.
You're so welcome, mate. Definitely do ring them. They'll be non-judgemental and will have all sorts of suggestions, I'm sure, as this is not an uncommon scenario. While your wish to look after your loved one is laudable you need to look after you, too, or you could end up being no use to them at all.My employer does have a confidential helpline and I may ring them as I am struggling to cope with this and/or know how to cope.
Best of luck, sincerely.
I'd really like to hear from anyone who has been through something similar especially whether it worked to confront the other person and basically be on their case or whether there is a danger of sending the problem more 'underground'. Or whether a more softly softly approach is preferable.
Confrontation is invariably counter-productive.
Until the consequences of your OH'S actions become too much for her to deal with, there's not much you can do. By hiding her alcohol consumption from you, she's admitting that she has a problem. It seems that she believes that she can handle it.
Potholes Al-anon suggestion is an excellent one. You will get all the support that you need from them.
We tell attendees at our hospital's family group to remember the 'three Cs'. As a family member you didnt cause the addiction, you cant cantrol it and you can't cure it. Good luck and take care of yourself.
Until the consequences of your OH'S actions become too much for her to deal with, there's not much you can do. By hiding her alcohol consumption from you, she's admitting that she has a problem. It seems that she believes that she can handle it.
Potholes Al-anon suggestion is an excellent one. You will get all the support that you need from them.
We tell attendees at our hospital's family group to remember the 'three Cs'. As a family member you didnt cause the addiction, you cant cantrol it and you can't cure it. Good luck and take care of yourself.
Edited by Blib on Wednesday 18th January 20:13
Being "on their case" and confronting them is not the best approach. Think about it from her perspective. How would you react if she was confronting you on your drink problem. Definitely call the AA number above. Not the other AA number although typically a man will be round in 45 minutes.
You can also phone Alcoholics Anonymous. They will have literature for you. They WON'T speak to your OH unless and until she phones them herself. You should be able to get through to someone until about 10:30pm. Tell them you're a concerned family member. They will be able to advise you.
carew said:
One question, what happened to make you realise something needed to change?
In all honesty, it was in a sober moment thinking about how much I can drink and still function - I have a responsible job, nice cars, wife etc. I'd gotten away with it for so long too. My trouble is I can't stop once I start.OP is right to worry - hiding bottles and secret drinking is something that should be regarded as NOTHING like the "drinking" we all do normally. There is a HUGE difference between normal social drinking and what the OP's partner is up to. It's like saying you use a bank and you rob a bank! One, very different to the other!
How far down the path she goes before turning back is unknown, but its a path that ends in death and goes via hell. Wish I could help more.
How far down the path she goes before turning back is unknown, but its a path that ends in death and goes via hell. Wish I could help more.
I know that confronting her could be counter-productive but it's damn hard.
One problem is that she is never obviously drunk so it's difficult to say to her "why are you drunk at this time of the day".
I really hoping that she realises that her behaviour can't carry on like this and decides to do something about it.
One problem is that she is never obviously drunk so it's difficult to say to her "why are you drunk at this time of the day".
I really hoping that she realises that her behaviour can't carry on like this and decides to do something about it.
carew said:
I found 2 bottles of wine (half empty) in her drawers.
Sorry but this made me 
It obviously looks like she may be a functioning alcoholic but as stated above unless she admits this and wants to do something about it there is probably little you can do. Ask her to go and see her GP for referral for some proper help?
I've also been like your wife, hidden drinking and not wanting to discuss why/amount I was drinking.
Sticking to why I didn't want to talk about the drinking, as I don't to derail the thread into why I used to drink too much.
Retrospectively looking back as to why I didn't want to talk about the amount I was drinking, and thus secret drinking. The main reason, I suppose, was being embarrassed about not being able to control the drinking. My wife is not a big drinker and I used to feel jealous of the fact that she could control it.
As to can you change, yes you can. Last year I had 6 months completely sober and I now drink once a week, if that, and only a couple of pints when I do. No secret drinking.
Why did I change, no particular reason but possibly,
grew out it, I'm 42.
Got young kids so didn't want to be a loser dad??
I wouldn't confront your wife as that will make things worse, it would have with me. As far as your are aware, does she drink a lot anyway?
Sticking to why I didn't want to talk about the drinking, as I don't to derail the thread into why I used to drink too much.
Retrospectively looking back as to why I didn't want to talk about the amount I was drinking, and thus secret drinking. The main reason, I suppose, was being embarrassed about not being able to control the drinking. My wife is not a big drinker and I used to feel jealous of the fact that she could control it.
As to can you change, yes you can. Last year I had 6 months completely sober and I now drink once a week, if that, and only a couple of pints when I do. No secret drinking.
Why did I change, no particular reason but possibly,
grew out it, I'm 42.
Got young kids so didn't want to be a loser dad??
I wouldn't confront your wife as that will make things worse, it would have with me. As far as your are aware, does she drink a lot anyway?
Edited by jbswagger on Thursday 19th January 12:32
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