Concerned about OH's drinking
Discussion
jbswagger said:
As far as your are aware, does she drink a lot anyway?
I don't think we are talking a lot; maybe a bottle of wine a day. But it's the secrecy that is worrying and also the time i.e. in the middle of the night. If she was downing a bottle every evening after work whilst we watch TV then I could cope with that as it's visible. Edited by jbswagger on Thursday 19th January 12:32
carew said:
I don't think we are talking a lot; maybe a bottle of wine a day. But it's the secrecy that is worrying and also the time i.e. in the middle of the night. If she was downing a bottle every evening after work whilst we watch TV then I could cope with that as it's visible.
Does she have trouble sleeping, caused by stress perhaps? My reason for asking was I went through a period of not being able to sleep, so used to get completely s
tfaced to just sort of collapse in bed. There would be no way I would get up during the night.carew said:
jbswagger said:
As far as your are aware, does she drink a lot anyway?
I don't think we are talking a lot; maybe a bottle of wine a day. But it's the secrecy that is worrying and also the time i.e. in the middle of the night. If she was downing a bottle every evening after work whilst we watch TV then I could cope with that as it's visible. Edited by jbswagger on Thursday 19th January 12:32
A bottle of red is around 10 units. The recommended weekly intake fro women is 14 units so she is drinking around 2/3rds of her weekly allocation each night.
jbswagger said:
Does she have trouble sleeping, caused by stress perhaps?
My reason for asking was I went through a period of not being able to sleep, so used to get completely stfaced to just sort of collapse in bed. There would be no way I would get up during the night.
Yes she does. Or rather she gets off ok but then wakes at 2am (say), starts to think (she's a worrier) and can't get back to sleep so goes for a wine to help her relax and sleep. My reason for asking was I went through a period of not being able to sleep, so used to get completely s
tfaced to just sort of collapse in bed. There would be no way I would get up during the night.carew said:
Yes she does. Or rather she gets off ok but then wakes at 2am (say), starts to think (she's a worrier) and can't get back to sleep so goes for a wine to help her relax and sleep.
Sounds familiar as I mentioned went though a period of not being able to sleep, and if I did I would always wake up during the night and not go back to sleep. If she's a worrier, what is she worrying about? As from experience it will feel a whole lot worse at 2am. Do you think she is drinking to send herself back to sleep?
She worries about everything, literally! An unfortunate trait passed down from her Mum.
Money is a big worry for her even though we have no money worries (and I have told her that many, many times).
But how mad is it that she worries about money but probably spends £30 a week on wine????
Money is a big worry for her even though we have no money worries (and I have told her that many, many times).
But how mad is it that she worries about money but probably spends £30 a week on wine????
I also worried about not being able to sleep, so I'd typically (and most of the time, secretly) drink a half bottle (350ml) of Brandy along with wine at dinner. Mrs Novak is a Doctor (a Psychiatrist, just my luck 
) so after a few 'big talks' I am able to think through the potential consequences a little more rationally.
I found it helped to swap one addiction for another, as long as I go to the gym at lunch and cross train when I get home then I'm so knackered I have no problem sleeping. I had a good many years of drink, drugs and cigarettes without any obvious ill effects - but I need to remember that I am not Keith Richards.
Also, when you do the sums for how much alcohol a normally functioning liver can process (c. 1 unit per hour) vs. how much you've drunk you realise that you've been driving 30 miles to work each day over the legal limit. Not cool.
36 years old, btw.
) so after a few 'big talks' I am able to think through the potential consequences a little more rationally.I found it helped to swap one addiction for another, as long as I go to the gym at lunch and cross train when I get home then I'm so knackered I have no problem sleeping. I had a good many years of drink, drugs and cigarettes without any obvious ill effects - but I need to remember that I am not Keith Richards.
Also, when you do the sums for how much alcohol a normally functioning liver can process (c. 1 unit per hour) vs. how much you've drunk you realise that you've been driving 30 miles to work each day over the legal limit. Not cool.
36 years old, btw.
Davey S2 said:
carew said:
jbswagger said:
As far as your are aware, does she drink a lot anyway?
I don't think we are talking a lot; maybe a bottle of wine a day. But it's the secrecy that is worrying and also the time i.e. in the middle of the night. If she was downing a bottle every evening after work whilst we watch TV then I could cope with that as it's visible. Edited by jbswagger on Thursday 19th January 12:32
A bottle of red is around 10 units. The recommended weekly intake fro women is 14 units so she is drinking around 2/3rds of her weekly allocation each night.
Like you've (OP) already said the hiding/secrecy is the most immediately worrying aspect. If it were my OH I'd want her to be honest and open as the first thing to address, even if the meant compromising a little on what my reaction to her drinking would be.
And thats coming from a pretty big drinker, but the only person I lie to is the gp and thats only to avoid them distracting other issues with their warped agenda.
I'm afraid I confronted my OH this morning after finding that 1 bottle of wine have been consumed overnight. I know it wasn't the right thing to do (probably) but I can't stand by and wait until something happens to make her realise what she is doing is wrong as it may be too late then.
She admits that she is suffering from a lack of confidence and would like to speak to me about it but in the middle of the night when she has these episodes I am asleep so she turns to the wine.
Part of me is pleased that she is opening out more about the reason but over the last few days when coming home from work I have made a point of asking her is she is ok, does she want to talk about anything, etc, etc and she says "No, everything is fine". So let's hope we have turned a corner.
She admits that she is suffering from a lack of confidence and would like to speak to me about it but in the middle of the night when she has these episodes I am asleep so she turns to the wine.
Part of me is pleased that she is opening out more about the reason but over the last few days when coming home from work I have made a point of asking her is she is ok, does she want to talk about anything, etc, etc and she says "No, everything is fine". So let's hope we have turned a corner.
carew said:
I'm afraid I confronted my OH this morning after finding that 1 bottle of wine have been consumed overnight. I know it wasn't the right thing to do (probably) but I can't stand by and wait until something happens to make her realise what she is doing is wrong as it may be too late then.
She admits that she is suffering from a lack of confidence and would like to speak to me about it but in the middle of the night when she has these episodes I am asleep so she turns to the wine.
Part of me is pleased that she is opening out more about the reason but over the last few days when coming home from work I have made a point of asking her is she is ok, does she want to talk about anything, etc, etc and she says "No, everything is fine". So let's hope we have turned a corner.
How did take being confronted?She admits that she is suffering from a lack of confidence and would like to speak to me about it but in the middle of the night when she has these episodes I am asleep so she turns to the wine.
Part of me is pleased that she is opening out more about the reason but over the last few days when coming home from work I have made a point of asking her is she is ok, does she want to talk about anything, etc, etc and she says "No, everything is fine". So let's hope we have turned a corner.
I can see where she is coming from, as one of the reasons I used to drink far too much was to help cope with extremely low self confidence and self esteem.
She was upset at first but I suspect that was a combination of being confronted and being embarrassed about being found out! But she calmed down and told me the reasons for it.
I told her that she needs to talk to me whenever she needs to even if that is in the middle of the night. Hopefully she will.
I told her that she needs to talk to me whenever she needs to even if that is in the middle of the night. Hopefully she will.
As someone who had come across this in business my experience is that there is not necessarily some deep underlying cause but that sadly some people ate just susceptible. There are binge drinkers who have one kind of problem and others who hide it very well. I was asked by a friend to speak with his wife who had the same behaviour the OP described , not to give her personal analysis of any kind but to talk to her about employment consequences as she was in a safety sensitive job and had been caught impaired on the job. As she travelled a lot it was not clear how long this had been going on.
Eventually we coached her to deal with the employer by admitting the problem and going to rehab. She did relapse and lost her job but we managed to save her pension and benefits. The good news is that the second rehab plus AA worked. She now works a few days a week at an animal shelter and the monster is off her back.
I knew her for decades and never had a clue she had a problem. It was very hard on her husband and I recall how bewildered and helpless he felt. He was a very moderate social drinker and had no problem giving it up but the worry was always there that she would have another episode.
The story ended well and I have two observations. :
- it is essential she acknowledges the problem and gets into help now. Get rid of all alcohol in the house
- do not blame yourself as this kind of addiction seems to affect some people because of their personalities.
People can and do beat this affliction. I wish you both the very best with it.
Eventually we coached her to deal with the employer by admitting the problem and going to rehab. She did relapse and lost her job but we managed to save her pension and benefits. The good news is that the second rehab plus AA worked. She now works a few days a week at an animal shelter and the monster is off her back.
I knew her for decades and never had a clue she had a problem. It was very hard on her husband and I recall how bewildered and helpless he felt. He was a very moderate social drinker and had no problem giving it up but the worry was always there that she would have another episode.
The story ended well and I have two observations. :
- it is essential she acknowledges the problem and gets into help now. Get rid of all alcohol in the house
- do not blame yourself as this kind of addiction seems to affect some people because of their personalities.
People can and do beat this affliction. I wish you both the very best with it.
Hi all just wanted to give you an update.
Unfortunately nothing has changed apart from the fact that she is more aware now I.e. no drink in wardrobes and cupboard anymore as I have checked. Yes I know I probably shouldn't but I do. Her hiding place of choice now is her handbag. She has been protective of it and when I did manage to touch it (without her knowing) it was very heavy and that was clearly a bottle in there. And she now has got into the habit of going to her bedroom every morning at 6.30 and taking a swig (presumably).
This is bad enough but of course thisis the handbag she takes to work and if they find it
....
I did ring Al-Anon but unfortunately found them of very little help. All the woman said was "go to a meeting". Not sure how to explain that to the OH: "Just popping to a meeting dear as I think you have an alcohol problem."
I'm tempted to confront her again about the bottle in her handbag but again I'm concerned whar the outcome would be.
Unfortunately nothing has changed apart from the fact that she is more aware now I.e. no drink in wardrobes and cupboard anymore as I have checked. Yes I know I probably shouldn't but I do. Her hiding place of choice now is her handbag. She has been protective of it and when I did manage to touch it (without her knowing) it was very heavy and that was clearly a bottle in there. And she now has got into the habit of going to her bedroom every morning at 6.30 and taking a swig (presumably).
This is bad enough but of course thisis the handbag she takes to work and if they find it
....
I did ring Al-Anon but unfortunately found them of very little help. All the woman said was "go to a meeting". Not sure how to explain that to the OH: "Just popping to a meeting dear as I think you have an alcohol problem."
I'm tempted to confront her again about the bottle in her handbag but again I'm concerned whar the outcome would be.
The Genie is out of the bottle now ( so to speak). Open the handbag take the bottle out of the bag and explain she is going to seek help RIGHT NOW! you are enabling her actions by not facing her. If she wont seek immediate help, your wisest course of action is to run away very very quickly and very far away, because her life will continue to spiral out of control and she will destroy you and your sanity on the way. I went through this myself( as the drinker) and it took fifteen years to get back on track. Go to an NA meeting it will help you greatly, if she asks you where your going. Tell her honestly. You by your actions cannot make things worse than they are for her. It's her life and her choices as an adult. I might sound harsh on this but my comments are based on both my own experience and listening to hundreds of fellow alcoholics. You have a st storm heading your way.
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