Concerned about OH's drinking

[carew]

Firstly many, many thanks for the responses. Reading them has made me realise that others have gone through similar and can give useful help.

At about 4.45 this morning my OH went downstairs and I heard the familiar sound of a wine bottle opening so I confronted her. Of course she denied it but I persevered. She said that it was a confidence issue and needs a drink to face the day. We had a good talk and I think (hope) I was supportive. But I was also pretty blunt telling her that if it carries on she could lose everything; her job, her driving licence and me. Let's hope it works.

[smileymikey]

I hope this is the start of things getting better for you both. Getting up at a quarter to five and drinking a bottle of wine is a fairly sturdy indication that your partner is a card carrying alcoholic.You need outside help on this one. I would hazard a guess that every small shop that sells alcohol in a five mile radius will know her,her colleagues will have twigged from her breath and it is odds on that someone will be tipping the Police the wink with her registration,make and model of car and when she will be getting into it (picking her up from the police station and her name being all over the local newspaper wont be fun). If she calls AA on 0800 9177 650 she can speak confidentially to another woman, that has been in the same boat and understands. They will give her some guidance and support. As things stand she will tell you what you want to hear, so that she can carry on drinking behind your back.Its just how it is.

Edited by smileymikey on Saturday 11th February 19:57

[grumbledoak]

carew said:

We had a good talk and I think (hope) I was supportive. But I was also pretty blunt telling her that if it carries on she could lose everything; her job, her driving licence and me. Let's hope it works.

I'm sorry to say, but I don't think that kind of talk will help. She basically cannot face the day sober. Whatever it is, it's not gone anywhere.

Get help or get out.

[Cerbhd]

smileymikey said:

I hope this is the start of things getting better for you both. Getting up at a quarter to five and drinking a bottle of wine is a fairly sturdy indication that your partner is a card carrying alcoholic.You need outside help on this one. I would hazard a guess that every small shop that sells alcohol in a five mile radius will know her,her colleagues will have twigged from her breath and it is odds on that someone will be tipping the Police the wink with her registration,make and model of car and when she will be getting into it (picking her up from the police station and her name being all over the local newspaper wont be fun). If she calls the AA on 0800 9177 650 she can speak confidentially to another woman, that has been in the same boat and understands. They will give her some guidance and support. As things stand she will tell you what you want to hear, so that she can carry on drinking behind your back.Its just how it is.

This is good advice although I'm no expert and have no experience of this but as an outsider can I ask a few questions and give a couple of opinions?
Is it definitely a bottle of wine in her handbag or has she moved to something stronger and easier to hide? Just playing devils advocate but if it is only wine surely this could be a good thing in a weird way?
You've caught her again last night so although she is trying to hide it she is not trying very hard, is this a cry for help?
What is your everyday life like? Do you have a drink together in the evenings and she finds it hard to stop?
Is it time for a blazing row and you buggering off for the weekend to a friend or hotel so that she sees what she is losing?
As I said I'm no expert so feel free to tell me this is all crap advise but I think you're doing well for a woman that you clearly love and I wish you all the best

[Riley Blue]

grumbledoak said:

carew said:

We had a good talk and I think (hope) I was supportive. But I was also pretty blunt telling her that if it carries on she could lose everything; her job, her driving licence and me. Let's hope it works.

I'm sorry to say, but I don't think that kind of talk will help. She basically cannot face the day sober. Whatever it is, it's not gone anywhere.

Get help or get out.

I can tell you that it does help or rather it did with a member of my family. The OP's story of secret 'middle of the night' drinking and hiding bottles was exactly what he'd been doing. He'd also claimed it was a 'confidence thing' to cope with work stress. It wasn't until after he'd been confronted about it and had it explained that he was risking losing so much that he faced up to it and was able to stop.

On the other hand, the wife of a very good friend was also a secret drinker, hid bottles of gin around the house, was sometimes found on the floor when her husband returned from work. He never mentioned it to her in the five years or so I knew about it; just picked her up and left her to sober up as if it was a normal part of life. I've lost touch with them but it wouldn't surprise me if she's still the same.

Just two examples.

[Mrs Muttleysnoop]

OP please, just please ask her how will feel when she kills someone whilst driving over the drink drive limit. I wish you both the best of luck during this difficult time and really hope your OH can get the help she needs.

[carew]

Morning.

My OH had a bad night last night. Not alcohol related but with her anxiety. She couldn't put her finger on anything specific but it was clear she was in quite a bad way. Finally got back off to sleep but she again anxious when we woke up. And then it happened. I was in the kitchen and heard her go into the other bedroom where she keeps her handbag. I heard the bottle open and I came up the stairs. She managed to get the bottle back in her handbag but she knew she'd been rumbled. I told her she needs to get help at least with her anxiety as I'm sure that is the main cause of all of this.

I'm feeling strangely positive about all of this as I'm 99.9% certain everything is in open now.

Maybe I'm just being optimistic but here's hoping.

[hairyben]

carew said:

Morning.

My OH had a bad night last night. Not alcohol related but with her anxiety. She couldn't put her finger on anything specific but it was clear she was in quite a bad way. Finally got back off to sleep but she again anxious when we woke up. And then it happened. I was in the kitchen and heard her go into the other bedroom where she keeps her handbag. I heard the bottle open and I came up the stairs. She managed to get the bottle back in her handbag but she knew she'd been rumbled. I told her she needs to get help at least with her anxiety as I'm sure that is the main cause of all of this.

I'm feeling strangely positive about all of this as I'm 99.9% certain everything is in open now.

Maybe I'm just being optimistic but here's hoping.

I'd certainly have her in front of a shrink/counsellor, maybe someone skilled in CBT, hypnotherapy etc, but ideally she has to want to do it and think she's doing it on her terms.

Is there anything else she can do to generally relax, maybe get away for a couple of days, cheap flight to somewhere where theres a lot more sunshine? You mentioned this being a bad time of year for her, the lack of sunshine factors in with a lot of people.

[Robb F]

carew said:

I did ring Al-Anon but unfortunately found them of very little help. All the woman said was "go to a meeting". Not sure how to explain that to the OH: "Just popping to a meeting dear as I think you have an alcohol problem."

My experience of Al-Anon:

Very nice, understanding people, willing to share their own experiences.

They are very much for the support of the non-drinking partner, that is to say, there will be no discussion on ways to stop the drinking, it is about helping the non drinking partner deal with their own emotions etc. They say there is nothing you can do and you cannot control the drinker.

I only attended one meeting as their mantra of being powerless is not something I personally subscribe to in life (also the fact it's vaguely religious, although you can easily just say the prayer without believing).

For sure it's worth trying out, seeing if its for you, but in terms of helping to stop the actual problem they do very little.

[Robb F]

carew said:

Morning.

My OH had a bad night last night. Not alcohol related but with her anxiety. She couldn't put her finger on anything specific but it was clear she was in quite a bad way. Finally got back off to sleep but she again anxious when we woke up. And then it happened. I was in the kitchen and heard her go into the other bedroom where she keeps her handbag. I heard the bottle open and I came up the stairs. She managed to get the bottle back in her handbag but she knew she'd been rumbled. I told her she needs to get help at least with her anxiety as I'm sure that is the main cause of all of this.

I'm feeling strangely positive about all of this as I'm 99.9% certain everything is in open now.

Maybe I'm just being optimistic but here's hoping.

Also,

I'm sorry to say but in my experience every time you feel like you're getting through to them, they say whatever it takes, and cry and apologize and all the rest, but then they'll go straight back to doing it anyway.

If I could have my time again, and what I would recommend you do, it to attack this issue all guns blazing from the outset. Do not wait for things to get worse, do not hold back. Get professional help now. If you do this and things do not change, the only other option is to leave, with your conscience clear you did all you could to help, but there is no benefit in tying yourself to a sinking ship.

[carew]

Leaving is definitely something I have considered, some times more seriously than others. But I love my OH and want to try everything I can to make her realise that the road she is on is potentially incredibly destructive.

I have told her I think she needs professional help starting with her GP but I have also told her that there is only 1 person who knows the complete truth and reasons behind all of this and therefore it's ultimately down to her to do something about it.

[Robb F]

carew said:

Leaving is definitely something I have considered, some times more seriously than others. But I love my OH and want to try everything I can to make her realise that the road she is on is potentially incredibly destructive.

I have told her I think she needs professional help starting with her GP but I have also told her that there is only 1 person who knows the complete truth and reasons behind all of this and therefore it's ultimately down to her to do something about it.

Of course it is the last resort after trying all else

[Digger]

This might seem a bit left field but how about persuading her that it's ok for her to drink openly in the house, actively encourage it rather than her continually trying to hide it. Obviously she will still need to get some help, and that's still up for discussion.

It's possible that the above might help alleviate some of her anxiety, as well as the potential that she might consume less alcohol in the home?

Probably a terrible suggestion but just thought I'd throw it out there.

[Marvtec]

She is self-medicating. The alcohol is to blank out/take the edge off her anxiety. She needs to treat the root cause, just making her to stop drinking is taking away her coping mechanism and will end badly, possible breakdown etc.

In the first instance I'd suggest a trip to the GP and have a talk about some anxiety suppressing/sleep meds, for the short term. Medium term could be some counselling to deal with the underlying issues & how she deals with stuff.

Take away her car keys though.

[oceanview]

Marvtec said:

She is self-medicating. The alcohol is to blank out/take the edge off her anxiety. She needs to treat the root cause, just making her to stop drinking is taking away her coping mechanism and will end badly, possible breakdown etc.

In the first instance I'd suggest a trip to the GP and have a talk about some anxiety suppressing/sleep meds, for the short term. Medium term could be some counselling to deal with the underlying issues & how she deals with stuff.

Take away her car keys though.

This pretty much.

I've always suffered with anxiety- bad episodes at time. The worse one was two and a half years ago when I was going through a full-on breakdown, which I tried self-medicating with alcohol but of course its just adding fuel to the fire- its a vicious circle.
After one evenings heavy drinking, I woke up the next day in sheer panic/terror which was no doubt made worse by the drink.
Not thinking straight (wanted to die, really) I just got in my vehicle and drove up on the hills hoping to somehow clear my head by walking and walking. I didnt get that far as I crashed into a tree ( only slowly- 20ish).
Thank god no one else was involved. Licence gone, demoted at work, big salary drop and I didn't want to go on-but- ive come out the other side stronger than ever, into health and fitness, don't drink at all most of the year (maybe a couple in summer or at Christmas (but NEVER if I am even just a little anxious)
I do take a low dose anti-depressant that works more on the anxiety side of things but it was the alcohol that made my anxiety 100 times worse.

I hope you can get your partner the help she needs- once she's stopped drinking and maybe been prescribed some meds, she will start to feel calmer and stronger and see light at the end of the tunnel.
I know it is very tough on you as well (as it was on my family) but this can be overcome.
I never thought I would come through it all but once the alcohol was out of my system and I started to look after myself again, things got better each day.

I'll always be prone to anxiety (some people are just wired that way) but I deal with it much better these days and WITHOUT alcohol.

Best wishes to you and your partner.

Edited by oceanview on Monday 13th February 18:53

[carew]

My OH is currently at her GPs. After she spoke to a number of friends today they all said that she needs to address the anxiety issues urgently.

Let's hope she takes heed of the advice given.

[plumby2]

Maybe I can help a little from more her side of things having gone from drinking over a litre of vodka and half a crate everyday for 6/7years to not having drunk in almost a year and a half. Obviously her situations/reasons etc are different from mine. I think you have done the right thing in letting her know that you know otherwise she will just keep doing it thinking you haven't got a clue...or rather trying to convince herself that no one knows every time she takes a sip.

On the flip side you have made her aware, DO NOT PUSH, in my experience and many others I spoke to the "there mad anyway I may aswell get wasted and forget" attitude will kick in.

If she comes to you for help do what you can but no matter what you do, how much you care it's 100% on her to give it up and do the right thing.

In a short round up of all my help and councilling the ultimate thing is she needs to find a good coping mechanism and distraction from the temptation. I took up doing stupid amounts of exercise and that is now my addiction, unfortunately a lot don't make it through but there is hope. It will be a hell of a rocky road and there will be points she may fall off but if you love her try for as long as you can just be careful you don't drag yourself down. Your no good if your not happy it will make her even more unhappy and it could get worse.

sorry to ramble on if you have any questions I will answer anything,

[hidetheelephants]

carew said:

Firstly many, many thanks for the responses. Reading them has made me realise that others have gone through similar and can give useful help.

At about 4.45 this morning my OH went downstairs and I heard the familiar sound of a wine bottle opening so I confronted her. Of course she denied it but I persevered. She said that it was a confidence issue and needs a drink to face the day. We had a good talk and I think (hope) I was supportive. But I was also pretty blunt telling her that if it carries on she could lose everything; her job, her driving licence and me. Let's hope it works.

That's a pretty good textbook case of alcoholism; unable to function without a drink, not able to sleep through the night without a snifter and most of her waking hours are spent a bottle to the good.

Anxiety may well have been the starting point but all she's done is make herself an alcoholic as well as an anxiety sufferer; booze is depressive, however st you feel before happy hour you'll feel even more st the morning after. Her GP, if they're any good, will be able to help with drugs to help in the short term and(NHS budget lottery permitting) counselling in the longterm. Do you have any private health cover?

[carew]

OH told me she was very honest with her GP. Told him she was getting very anxious especially at night and this often resulted in her reaching for the bottle. She said that he wasn't unduly worried about this at the moment although I suspect the fact that he has asked her to go for blood tests (including liver profile) he wants to see if there is a reason to worry.

She suffered with quite a bad episode of anxiety/depression some years ago and managed to pull herself out of that without the need for medication or counselling and I expect the GP is hoping this will pan out the same. She has a follow up in about 3 weeks.

[SpydieNut]

carew said:

OH told me she was very honest with her GP. Told him she was getting very anxious especially at night and this often resulted in her reaching for the bottle. She said that he wasn't unduly worried about this at the moment although I suspect the fact that he has asked her to go for blood tests (including liver profile) he wants to see if there is a reason to worry.

She suffered with quite a bad episode of anxiety/depression some years ago and managed to pull herself out of that without the need for medication or counselling and I expect the GP is hoping this will pan out the same. She has a follow up in about 3 weeks.

I'm sorry, but I don't think she's being honest - with you, or the G.P. If the G.P wasn't worried about the fact that she starts drinking before 5am, to 'face the day', then I'd worry about the G.P. Did she not want you to go with her (rings some alarm bells) today and if not, why not?

I've seen someone, glass of wine in hand before noon, living on their sofa (including using it as a toilet then lying in it), wasting away through not eating, yet flatly denying they had a problem.

ETA - bottom line is she's an alcoholic and needs help, but needs to accept she needs help before anything will change.

Edited by SpydieNut on Tuesday 14th February 16:04