Concerned about OH's drinking

[Mr_Megalomaniac]

carew said:

About a month ago the same scenario but I lost it with her and told her to go to her Mum's which she did. Fast forward a couple of hours and I hear this scraping sound outside, looked out and saw her driving down the road with the offside corner of her car completely wrecked. She'd gone through a width restriction, misjudged it and hit the concrete bollard. Luckily for everyone she drove her car home without further incident. But then she tried to get out of the car and was unable too. Completely drunk, off her head. Fell on the floor and couldn't even get up. Of course this prompted some of the neighbours to come out and see what was going on and they didn't need to be geniuses to realise what had happened. But despite this the drinking carries on. I honestly thought that something like this would have made her realise but no. If she has even been stopped by the police (which was entirely possible as only 1 headlight was working) she would certainly have been looking at a ban if not a prison term. But still it carries on.

Firstly, I've just read this whole thread and my sincere condolences about the struggle you are having. It isn't easy, doubly so when it's someone you love.
You mentioned prison and a ban. Frankly, that's EXACTLY what she needs right now. I guarantee that the prison isn't going to give her any liquids of that form.
Additionally, I mention this because in 2004/2005 one of my closest friend's sister drove down a road and was t-boned by a drunk driver in a green BMW. She was 19. She's been paralytic and mostly brain dead ever since. She lives with a full time carer (and her parents) at the age of 36 and has no opportunity to live. In effect what that driver did was to kill her. She has no life to live. I need you to realise it's not just your partner that you need to be considering here. She may very well kill someone.
Rather her in prison for 6 months leading to sobriety and followed with a driving ban; than someone's dead child.

[Caddyshack]

Sorry to hear this. I was once the booze hider. My Dad died aged 52 as an alcoholic. I am 1 yr and 1 month in to giving up forever.

My best advice is to either harden to the fact that she may well die before too long or it could be a long and miserable existence for you waiting for the next drama to unfold. Personally I would boot her out and sell the house and restart although I do get why you want to hold on to your nice home (as long as it is a home and not just a nice house)

Protect yourself as much as you can and only she can decide to fix this, you can help all you like and it is noble but you will just have it thrown back in your face.

[Johnniem]

carew said:

I do ask myself regularly why I stay and I'm afraid to say that it isn't because I couldn't live without her. I could. I guess it's just a bit too comfortable and splitting up means we would have to sell our nice house and I'd end up in a flat somewhere. Happier probably but also a bit empty.

In the back of your mind you probably think that you can 'save her'. You can't. Get out and do the right thing for yourself. She is an alcoholic so it will last a lifetime, whether she's drinking or not. It's a life sentence for the person who is the alcoholic but also the immediate family/carer, i.e. YOU. Life sentence.

[Pothole]

carew said:

Thanks all for the responses.

I have considered ringing the police; even if she weren't over the limit hopefully it would shock her into changing. But who am I kidding? She nigh on wrote her car off and that had no effect.

I do ask myself regularly why I stay and I'm afraid to say that it isn't because I couldn't live without her. I could. I guess it's just a bit too comfortable and splitting up means we would have to sell our nice house and I'd end up in a flat somewhere. Happier probably but also a bit empty.

Seriously. There actually are plenty more fish in the sea, mate.

[thebraketester]

carew said:

About a month ago the same scenario but I lost it with her and told her to go to her Mum's which she did. Fast forward a couple of hours and I hear this scraping sound outside, looked out and saw her driving down the road with the offside corner of her car completely wrecked. She'd gone through a width restriction, misjudged it and hit the concrete bollard. Luckily for everyone she drove her car home without further incident. But then she tried to get out of the car and was unable too. Completely drunk, off her head. Fell on the floor and couldn't even get up.

At what point do you report her for drink driving? When she does it again having hit another car? When she does it again having hit someone and put them in hospital or worse?

I do not envy you at all and it must be incredibly difficult for you, but you need to take a hold of this situation and change paths.

[okgo]

Separate the need to shop her to ‘shock her’ from doing it because it’s fking out of order knowing the state she’s in and not doing anything about it - there are innocent people at stake who do not deserve to come into contact with someone like that on the roads.

Besides that it sounds very tough but you’re only on this earth once, do you want it to be like this?

[LosingGrip]

carew said:

Thanks all for the responses.

I have considered ringing the police; even if she weren't over the limit hopefully it would shock her into changing. But who am I kidding? She nigh on wrote her car off and that had no effect.

I do ask myself regularly why I stay and I'm afraid to say that it isn't because I couldn't live without her. I could. I guess it's just a bit too comfortable and splitting up means we would have to sell our nice house and I'd end up in a flat somewhere. Happier probably but also a bit empty.

Take the keys off her. She will kill someone (and/or herself). Hide them or give them to a friend that she won’t expect to have them.

[ClaphamGT3]

I'm so sorry to hear your news - but not in the least bit surprised. Endless false dawns are part of life with an alcoholic I'm afraid until, as John Cleese once said of depression, its not the despair that becomes intolerable; its the hope.

Let me re-iterate that this will never get better. There will never be a happy ending. You have done more than enough. For your own sanity, leave now and never look back. The best years of my life have been the last twenty since I cut my alcoholic mother out of it.

[Mastodon2]

carew said:

Thanks all for the responses.

I have considered ringing the police; even if she weren't over the limit hopefully it would shock her into changing. But who am I kidding? She nigh on wrote her car off and that had no effect.

I do ask myself regularly why I stay and I'm afraid to say that it isn't because I couldn't live without her. I could. I guess it's just a bit too comfortable and splitting up means we would have to sell our nice house and I'd end up in a flat somewhere. Happier probably but also a bit empty.

You say you couldn't live with yourself if she killed herself, but you have done nothing to take her off the road. You seem to be perfectly ok with her killing someone else, as long as you don't have to sell your nice house, right? Why upset the apple cart, when the cost of maintaining it is only allowing her to risk the deaths of innocent strangers?

Have your morals been so poisoned by the years of living with this alcoholic? Look back and ask yourself if ten years ago, even five years ago, you'd be happy to let your partner risk the lives of innocent people so you could enjoy a comfortable life.

How many years have been lost to in the mire with this woman? Earlier in the thread you were compared to a frog in boiling water and that was in 2017. It is four years on, she is still drinking and you have normalised her behaviour to a dangerous point. The water hit boiling point a long way back and you never even noticed, because the decline was gradual and every time you tried to do something about it, she told you she had anxiety and kept on drinking.

She will drink and drink until the her premature end of days, that much seems clear. If anyone needs to hit rock bottom before realising the time has come to drag themselves out of the st pile, I think it is you, not her.

[Baldinho]

Mastodon2 said:

You say you couldn't live with yourself if she killed herself, but you have done nothing to take her off the road. You seem to be perfectly ok with her killing someone else, as long as you don't have to sell your nice house, right? Why upset the apple cart, when the cost of maintaining it is only allowing her to risk the deaths of innocent strangers?

Have your morals been so poisoned by the years of living with this alcoholic? Look back and ask yourself if ten years ago, even five years ago, you'd be happy to let your partner risk the lives of innocent people so you could enjoy a comfortable life.

How many years have been lost to in the mire with this woman? Earlier in the thread you were compared to a frog in boiling water and that was in 2017. It is four years on, she is still drinking and you have normalised her behaviour to a dangerous point. The water hit boiling point a long way back and you never even noticed, because the decline was gradual and every time you tried to do something about it, she told you she had anxiety and kept on drinking.

She will drink and drink until the her premature end of days, that much seems clear. If anyone needs to hit rock bottom before realising the time has come to drag themselves out of the st pile, I think it is you, not her.

Probably tough to read the above OP but I think it's spot on unfortunately.

PS she's drinking more than two small bottles of wine if she falls out of a car and can't get up. Get out of this relationship.

[Fermit and Sexy Sarah]

LosingGrip said:

Take the keys off her. She will kill someone (and/or herself). Hide them or give them to a friend that she won’t expect to have them.

This is incredibly good advice.

Many moons ago my mother said to me that when someone has done something bad and escaped being caught, they find it easier to repeat the offence.

Think about the repercussions of this, should she decide to continue drink driving.

[number2]

Carew, what an awful situation.

I'll repeat what others have said, stop her driving. Disable the car or throw the keys away. This is preferable to reporting when she's already on the road. Heck, report her anyway if she goes near the car, anything to get her off the road.

I don't want you to leave her as then who's going to prevent her killing or maiming an innocent party. Alas though, it's the best for you. Do make sure she can't drive again though before you do.

[Fermit and Sexy Sarah]

Remove the remove the fuse for the fuel pump. I'd like to see how she'd drive it away then!

[Ashfordian]

carew said:

Thanks all for the responses.

I have considered ringing the police; even if she weren't over the limit hopefully it would shock her into changing. But who am I kidding? She nigh on wrote her car off and that had no effect.

I do ask myself regularly why I stay and I'm afraid to say that it isn't because I couldn't live without her. I could. I guess it's just a bit too comfortable and splitting up means we would have to sell our nice house and I'd end up in a flat somewhere. Happier probably but also a bit empty.

I don't think you realise the damage these past 4 years have done to you. It sounds like you have become numb to the hugely negative effect it is having on you and your own health by what you have written above.

You have one chance at life and only you can reclaim your life back. Can you really put up with this for another 4 years? As it is not going to change until the grim reaper comes for her and releases you, and by then it may be too late for you!

You need to save yourself.