Discussion
h0b0 said:
Here is my update....
I made it over to the UK to see him in October '21. It was a mixed bag of emotions as he is really struggling. He tried to get in my car the wrong way around for example. I managed to bring the family together though and he has not stopped talking about it since.
And to the subject of Whales, I started a thread on pistonheads to ask for ideas on how to see them in the UK. I was even considering chartering a helicopter. Another idea was to set up an assisted holiday to Hawaii. That was until my mother turned up and said "You silly old fool. We saw Whales in.....". Years, bloody years I have had this on my mind and in that moment he just said "Oh, OK then I do not need to see them again".
Hi H0b0 - little consolation I know - but made me chuckle the fact he had seen whales, and accepted as such without any sign of an argument …. I made it over to the UK to see him in October '21. It was a mixed bag of emotions as he is really struggling. He tried to get in my car the wrong way around for example. I managed to bring the family together though and he has not stopped talking about it since.
And to the subject of Whales, I started a thread on pistonheads to ask for ideas on how to see them in the UK. I was even considering chartering a helicopter. Another idea was to set up an assisted holiday to Hawaii. That was until my mother turned up and said "You silly old fool. We saw Whales in.....". Years, bloody years I have had this on my mind and in that moment he just said "Oh, OK then I do not need to see them again".
My mum had good/bad days - good days were no arguments/not accusing the help of stealing food etc. Bad days were all of that and would argue till blue in the face that Black was White etc. Isolation and dementia lead to a lot of paranoia (accusing neighbours of spying on her etc) Every so often we would have a Super day - where she was like her self, sharp as a tac and could have a laugh.
I hope you’ll look back one day and chuckle at how your dad, even though adamant he had not seen whales, to be told he had, just accepted it.
take-good-care-of-the-forest-dewey said:
Lost my father to it last year... f
king awful disease, that strips away a loving parent and partner to leave an aggressive shadow of their former self.
But here's a funny story from our experiences of it - too much sadness in this thread.
My mother called me to moan about how bad, dad was getting.
"So I was stood in the kitchen, and I hear your father shuffle into the kitchen and I look round. He's stood there, trousers around his ankles, sporting a massive errection. Proudly he proclaims... Fancy a bit of this darling?".
Me... Laughing... "So did you?"
Mum "I did not... thank you very much"
RIP Dad.
Been reading through this thread and seeing hobo's posts above, plus my own experiences of FiL and my own Father who had it making sad reading, so I just wanted to thank you for this moment of humour amongst this more serious stuff.king awful disease, that strips away a loving parent and partner to leave an aggressive shadow of their former self. But here's a funny story from our experiences of it - too much sadness in this thread.
My mother called me to moan about how bad, dad was getting.
"So I was stood in the kitchen, and I hear your father shuffle into the kitchen and I look round. He's stood there, trousers around his ankles, sporting a massive errection. Proudly he proclaims... Fancy a bit of this darling?".
Me... Laughing... "So did you?"
Mum "I did not... thank you very much"
RIP Dad.
Knowing that my Grandad (Father's side) and now my Dad suffered with dementia in later life depresses me: I turned 56 over Christmas, but still have very few grey hairs and it occurred to me that while that could be considered fortunate my Dad was similar and didn't go properly grey until well into his 70s. Makes me think I've inherited those genes rather than my Mum's who probably was grey at 40 (not that you could tell due to hair dye). Perhaps an over simplistic marker, but some other traits too that make me more like Dad than Mum.
I remember my grumpy FiL and that we didn't really notice he was becoming more grumpy, but in hindsight it was the illness. It seems to exaggerate certain traits, making it harder to spot at the time. My Dad kept it more hidden and he was looking after my Step Mum who has Alzheimer's (yet she has survived him, despite being 5 years older as well!).
On the day she was put into a Nursing home and I took him back to his house, he was going from room to room looking for something. Then he said that he couldn't find his wife anywhere...that was a pivotal moment in my life as it dawned horribly on me that he wasn't with it himself; we'd been too focused on my Step Mum's illness. Amazingly he 'snapped back' into sense when I reminded him where she was and then we had a very normal sort of conversation as if it had never happened. Wasn't long after that he moved in with her and I had the hard job of clearing the house for them both as it had to be sold to pay for their care.
Within a very short space of time he faded into a 'fog' of dementia and it became pointless trying to ring him him up at the home as he couldn't hear properly and made less and less sense. I managed to visit in person on occasions as I'd sometimes be working in that area, but could see him slowly going downhill. Sadly, due to Covid I didn't get to visit him for a long time (my Aunt lived nearby so was the designated visitor when we were only allowed one person). By the time I was able to get down to visit him again he had been diagnosed with terminal cancer, so I managed one last visit with him reasonably alert, but obviously confused/very forgetful and a couple after that before he went, but was sedated and asleep.
The last conversation I had with him was sprinkled with memories from years ago as if they had only just happened as is fairly typical in these cases, so I can look back on that visit with fondness at hearing those same old stories for the 100th time, though still wishing there could be a 101th time now. Strangely though, despite him asking where his own Dad was, who obviously died a long time before, we had another conversation about my (now 22 YO) son and how he remembered lifting him up to put the fairy on top of the Christmas tree. He also remembered that he went on to Oxford Uni which was obviously relatively recent, so I found it comforting that he must have been so proud of my son to remember this detail out of everything else he'd forgotten.
The hard part was having him say to me that he hadn't seen <my name> for a long time and that I must be busy with work, so who knows who he thought I was, let alone my wife.
Sorry for the rather long post; I only popped in to thank Take good care for his funny post and got a bit carried away...
HustleRussell said:
It all seems to have progressed very fast, and one can never really be 'happy' about a loved one going into a care home, but I am looking forward to Mum having that relief and John having the care that he needs. Sadly if outside carers and very often Mum are unable to get him to at least eat, drink and take his medications, there was really only one thing for it. It seems crazy that he was driving into Spring 2021. The DVLA were literally speaking no help at all in that aspect. We were trying to get something done officially since the early part of the year but without the help of the DVLA he retained his licence until the end of July. Still no response to our letters nearly a year later.
It makes a huge difference. My when my mother finally accepted that she couldn't look after dad at home any more (even with a carer), and that putting him in a care home wasn't a failure, the difference in her was huge. Partly because she wasn't knackered any more, but it made a huge difference emotionally as she could go and see him and spend some quality time with him and not get annoyed when he did something silly or was difficult, which would then mean she felt bad about feeling annoyed. I honestly hadn't realised how much of a toll it was taking on her until after he moved in to the home.Unfortunately, dementia and Alzheimer's are not treated in any way. Therefore you need to buy at least some drugs that will slow down the development of these diseases. Still, you already need to understand that you can lose this person within a few years. I am already 50 years old, and my grandfather died of Alzheimer's. Therefore I do a dementia test every week to check my memory because if you notice that you have memory lapses, then these signals may already be developing either dementia or Alzheimer's disease.
Edited by StraightOut1 on Wednesday 21st September 11:31
Just chiming in on the thread because it is as clear as day to anyone that knows him that my 82yo Dad has dementia, just waiting on a formal diagnosis.
He was diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment when he did the same test two years ago, but has gone downhill rather quickly since.
I took a day off and went and sat in (from a distance) at my parents home when he was being tested. It's a good job I did, because for the first five minutes my Mum just kept on diving in and answering all the questions on his behalf. It was like being in an elderly version of the 'I said to Roy' sketch by Caroline Ahearne in The Fast Show.
Fortunately I was able to diplomatically remove my Mum from he situation by suggesting that she go make everyone a cuppa, that helped the assessor actually get down to seeing my Dad fail to answer lots of questions.
Did he know the current US President? Nope. He still reads three newspapers a day, so gawd knows what he is taking in.
Did he know the US President famously assassinated in 1963? Nope. This was a tough one to take, because I was fascinated about the case as a teenager, my Dad and I used to discuss all the different conspiracy theories for hours when I was younger, and he went and got a photo of him standing in Dealy Plaza on a business trip to Dallas in the 90s. Now, he doesn't recall a scooby about it.
We're awaiting the test results, due next week. Even if we do get a diagnosis of dementia I'm not sure what will then change, other than for it to be 'official' whilst we sit by and witness a slow decline.
The worry is that his sister, my aunt, was 10yrs older than him and had a four year decline. She turned from a lovely, friendly old lady into a spiteful, miserable old witch without a good word for anyone, even her own children who loved and cared for her to the end. I don't really want to think about it, but I very much suspect this is what will happen with my Dad.
The fact that my parents live a 2hr/100 mile drive from me makes things tricky, as the closest child to be on hand to deal with any problems.
He was diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment when he did the same test two years ago, but has gone downhill rather quickly since.
I took a day off and went and sat in (from a distance) at my parents home when he was being tested. It's a good job I did, because for the first five minutes my Mum just kept on diving in and answering all the questions on his behalf. It was like being in an elderly version of the 'I said to Roy' sketch by Caroline Ahearne in The Fast Show.
Fortunately I was able to diplomatically remove my Mum from he situation by suggesting that she go make everyone a cuppa, that helped the assessor actually get down to seeing my Dad fail to answer lots of questions.
Did he know the current US President? Nope. He still reads three newspapers a day, so gawd knows what he is taking in.
Did he know the US President famously assassinated in 1963? Nope. This was a tough one to take, because I was fascinated about the case as a teenager, my Dad and I used to discuss all the different conspiracy theories for hours when I was younger, and he went and got a photo of him standing in Dealy Plaza on a business trip to Dallas in the 90s. Now, he doesn't recall a scooby about it.
We're awaiting the test results, due next week. Even if we do get a diagnosis of dementia I'm not sure what will then change, other than for it to be 'official' whilst we sit by and witness a slow decline.
The worry is that his sister, my aunt, was 10yrs older than him and had a four year decline. She turned from a lovely, friendly old lady into a spiteful, miserable old witch without a good word for anyone, even her own children who loved and cared for her to the end. I don't really want to think about it, but I very much suspect this is what will happen with my Dad.
The fact that my parents live a 2hr/100 mile drive from me makes things tricky, as the closest child to be on hand to deal with any problems.
Edited by PurpleTurtle on Tuesday 20th September 12:23
worsy said:
phumy said:
Grandad Gaz said:
phumy said:
My wife has had it for 6 years now, she was 59 when diagnosed, its been a terrible road to travel, she is in a care home and as one poster said above moving her from home to the care home was the hardest thing ive ever done, even typing about it brings it all back and brings tears to my eyes right now.
That is so sad. My wife is the same age (65). Makes me realise how lucky I am.Having a parent with it is bad enough, you kind of expect it but, I can’t imagine what it’s like for a partner to suffer.
I can only wish you well.
t place to be. I wouldnt wish it on anyone. My three boys have all suffered too, even though they are grown up and have their own children, they miss sharing their own family experiences with her, she doesnt recognise any of us now, its really difficult when i/we go to visit ( although we have not had any physical contact for a year now, CV19) we just get a "through the window" visit and i can see that she is confused as fk when she sees us. She doesnt want to cuddle the grandkids, nothing, it breaks their hearts because they know that if she didnt have this disease she would be all over the grandkids, just like any other grand parent. I realise i have a life to live and i try my very best to do that but its f
king difficult, very difficult.We gave her a fantastic send off, the only thing that really pissed me off was that i asked my son to call the local Catholic priest on day 4 of her last days and he didnt turn up, he eventually came to the care home (where she passed) and asked if he could give the last rites, i told him she died 18 hours earlier. He apologised and said he had an important meeting with someone, I gave him a f
king hard time as there would be no one more important to meet with than my wife in her last hours of life. fk i was annoyed at him, however i now feel that she is in a better place than she was for the last 8 years, in total confusion, pain and not knowing what was happening. I feel for anyone who has a wife or husband who has it and you have to go through what i have, its a terrible disease and no one deserves it.
Edited by phumy on Tuesday 20th September 16:03
Another update from Old Man h0b0...
The place we had him in was ideal as it was an independent flat attached to a nursing home. Unfortunately, the owner decided she "wanted to house her relative in the flat". After some careful thinking we realised this was BS and she just wanted to sell the place. She had committed to allowing my dad to live there as long as he needed but at the height of property values decided she needed an excuse to cash out.
We accepted my dad's fate but the timing meant we could not get in the attached nursing home. Things went quiet from the land lady so we deprioritised the move. That is when we found out the land lady had died! The executors wanted to sell the flat and gave us 6 months notice. We thought that reasonable. They offered it to us but I think they are asking double what it is worth.
We moved him into a home 4 miles down the road for a 3 week test. He has been there 4 weeks and counting. He says he misses England as he convinced he has moved country and not just down the road. We still have a team visiting him to provide consistency but have cut back from the 6 visits a day. His core nurse that has stuck by him has retired. She visits him as a friend now.
While this message may sound like a list of moaning it wasn't meant to be. The key here is that everything came together not apart. We knew my dad needed to get in a home but we all stalled because he was surviving in his flat and we held on to the belief that it was the best thing for him., I spoke to my mother (divorced) about it. She has a wicked sense of humour that can only be gained from working in the NHS for 40+ years. She said my dad always said if he had dementia, stick him in a home!
One final detail that has amused me. If you ask my dad the one person that he would use the word "hate" for he would answer instantly "your Grand mother". (mum's side). I just found out this is the same home she died in.
The place we had him in was ideal as it was an independent flat attached to a nursing home. Unfortunately, the owner decided she "wanted to house her relative in the flat". After some careful thinking we realised this was BS and she just wanted to sell the place. She had committed to allowing my dad to live there as long as he needed but at the height of property values decided she needed an excuse to cash out.
We accepted my dad's fate but the timing meant we could not get in the attached nursing home. Things went quiet from the land lady so we deprioritised the move. That is when we found out the land lady had died! The executors wanted to sell the flat and gave us 6 months notice. We thought that reasonable. They offered it to us but I think they are asking double what it is worth.
We moved him into a home 4 miles down the road for a 3 week test. He has been there 4 weeks and counting. He says he misses England as he convinced he has moved country and not just down the road. We still have a team visiting him to provide consistency but have cut back from the 6 visits a day. His core nurse that has stuck by him has retired. She visits him as a friend now.
While this message may sound like a list of moaning it wasn't meant to be. The key here is that everything came together not apart. We knew my dad needed to get in a home but we all stalled because he was surviving in his flat and we held on to the belief that it was the best thing for him., I spoke to my mother (divorced) about it. She has a wicked sense of humour that can only be gained from working in the NHS for 40+ years. She said my dad always said if he had dementia, stick him in a home!
One final detail that has amused me. If you ask my dad the one person that he would use the word "hate" for he would answer instantly "your Grand mother". (mum's side). I just found out this is the same home she died in.
Edited by h0b0 on Monday 22 April 13:56
Was going to start a thread to talk of my experiences of my father and step mother both suffering from this cruel disease but found this thread.
My dad is very chilled out and chipper, a lovely, lovely man and has always been an amazing dad. We noticed a while ago he'd sometimes repeat himself and often talk about old times (sometimes good when talking about his career and funny occasions, other times bad things like when he was married to my awful mother - she put him through hell).
Not he is at the stage where he can go out shopping etc and goes out at least once a day and can be surprisingly sharp at tasks or remembering things. Other times he has forgotten where he was going to of where from.
He'll fixate on things like the other day telling me about some really good kitchen roll he found. In a waiting room for 12 mins he told me 7 times about it, absolutely no clue he'd told me before. In the kitchen he offered my wife a sweet and after she took one he went to put them on the side and promptly offered her one again.
My stepmum has always been absent minded and terrible with directions. She is becoming a bit difficult and despite being part of the family for 35 years plus doesn't really trust me or my siblings. She gets confused to the point I think she's now making things up. We've only fallen out twice in the 35 years and both times have been in the last 6 months.
I went round there yesterday and heard the same stories and it ruined my day, was so het up and miserable afterwards. I think I need a break from seeing them for a week or two. I hate admitting this but it's so hard seeing them Like it.
It's awful so I thought perhaps this will help me by typing it all out or help others.
My dad is very chilled out and chipper, a lovely, lovely man and has always been an amazing dad. We noticed a while ago he'd sometimes repeat himself and often talk about old times (sometimes good when talking about his career and funny occasions, other times bad things like when he was married to my awful mother - she put him through hell).
Not he is at the stage where he can go out shopping etc and goes out at least once a day and can be surprisingly sharp at tasks or remembering things. Other times he has forgotten where he was going to of where from.
He'll fixate on things like the other day telling me about some really good kitchen roll he found. In a waiting room for 12 mins he told me 7 times about it, absolutely no clue he'd told me before. In the kitchen he offered my wife a sweet and after she took one he went to put them on the side and promptly offered her one again.
My stepmum has always been absent minded and terrible with directions. She is becoming a bit difficult and despite being part of the family for 35 years plus doesn't really trust me or my siblings. She gets confused to the point I think she's now making things up. We've only fallen out twice in the 35 years and both times have been in the last 6 months.
I went round there yesterday and heard the same stories and it ruined my day, was so het up and miserable afterwards. I think I need a break from seeing them for a week or two. I hate admitting this but it's so hard seeing them Like it.
It's awful so I thought perhaps this will help me by typing it all out or help others.
heisthegaffer said:
My stepmum has always been absent minded and terrible with directions. She is becoming a bit difficult and despite being part of the family for 35 years plus doesn't really trust me or my siblings. She gets confused to the point I think she's now making things up. We've only fallen out twice in the 35 years and both times have been in the last 6 months.
I went round there yesterday and heard the same stories and it ruined my day, was so het up and miserable afterwards. I think I need a break from seeing them for a week or two. I hate admitting this but it's so hard seeing them Like it.
Something a mate said to me years ago: when they're saying something that's clearly rubbish or being difficult, just go with it and don't bother arguing. Afterwards they won't remember who was wrong and who was right, but you'll both remember the argument and be upset about that.I went round there yesterday and heard the same stories and it ruined my day, was so het up and miserable afterwards. I think I need a break from seeing them for a week or two. I hate admitting this but it's so hard seeing them Like it.
How often do you see them and for how long? for a long time my father could hold it together pretty well for a while, but after a couple of hours he'd get tired and a lot worse. So much so that my sister and I thought mum was exaggerating a bit, until my sister stayed with them one weekend, as we were only seeing him for an hour or two at a time.
Also don't forget that sooner or later you won't be able to go and see them, so make the most of it while you can.
Edited by RizzoTheRat on Monday 22 April 22:20
heisthegaffer said:
Was going to start a thread to talk of my experiences of my father and step mother both suffering from this cruel disease but found this thread.
My dad is very chilled out and chipper, a lovely, lovely man and has always been an amazing dad. We noticed a while ago he'd sometimes repeat himself and often talk about old times (sometimes good when talking about his career and funny occasions, other times bad things like when he was married to my awful mother - she put him through hell).
Not he is at the stage where he can go out shopping etc and goes out at least once a day and can be surprisingly sharp at tasks or remembering things. Other times he has forgotten where he was going to of where from.
He'll fixate on things like the other day telling me about some really good kitchen roll he found. In a waiting room for 12 mins he told me 7 times about it, absolutely no clue he'd told me before. In the kitchen he offered my wife a sweet and after she took one he went to put them on the side and promptly offered her one again.
My stepmum has always been absent minded and terrible with directions. She is becoming a bit difficult and despite being part of the family for 35 years plus doesn't really trust me or my siblings. She gets confused to the point I think she's now making things up. We've only fallen out twice in the 35 years and both times have been in the last 6 months.
I went round there yesterday and heard the same stories and it ruined my day, was so het up and miserable afterwards. I think I need a break from seeing them for a week or two. I hate admitting this but it's so hard seeing them Like it.
It's awful so I thought perhaps this will help me by typing it all out or help others.
Sorry to hear this, anyone who has been through it will sympathise. I had exactly the same with my Dad.My dad is very chilled out and chipper, a lovely, lovely man and has always been an amazing dad. We noticed a while ago he'd sometimes repeat himself and often talk about old times (sometimes good when talking about his career and funny occasions, other times bad things like when he was married to my awful mother - she put him through hell).
Not he is at the stage where he can go out shopping etc and goes out at least once a day and can be surprisingly sharp at tasks or remembering things. Other times he has forgotten where he was going to of where from.
He'll fixate on things like the other day telling me about some really good kitchen roll he found. In a waiting room for 12 mins he told me 7 times about it, absolutely no clue he'd told me before. In the kitchen he offered my wife a sweet and after she took one he went to put them on the side and promptly offered her one again.
My stepmum has always been absent minded and terrible with directions. She is becoming a bit difficult and despite being part of the family for 35 years plus doesn't really trust me or my siblings. She gets confused to the point I think she's now making things up. We've only fallen out twice in the 35 years and both times have been in the last 6 months.
I went round there yesterday and heard the same stories and it ruined my day, was so het up and miserable afterwards. I think I need a break from seeing them for a week or two. I hate admitting this but it's so hard seeing them Like it.
It's awful so I thought perhaps this will help me by typing it all out or help others.
One thing I would advise, whilst they are of sound mind etc, is to get an LPA in place for both health and finance.
The Alzheimer's UK website is a great resource: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/legal-fi...
RizzoTheRat said:
heisthegaffer said:
My stepmum has always been absent minded and terrible with directions. She is becoming a bit difficult and despite being part of the family for 35 years plus doesn't really trust me or my siblings. She gets confused to the point I think she's now making things up. We've only fallen out twice in the 35 years and both times have been in the last 6 months.
I went round there yesterday and heard the same stories and it ruined my day, was so het up and miserable afterwards. I think I need a break from seeing them for a week or two. I hate admitting this but it's so hard seeing them Like it.
Something a mate said to me years ago: when they're saying something that's clearly rubbish or being difficult, just go with it and don't bother arguing. Afterwards they won't remember who was wrong and who was right, but you'll both remember the argument and be upset about that.I went round there yesterday and heard the same stories and it ruined my day, was so het up and miserable afterwards. I think I need a break from seeing them for a week or two. I hate admitting this but it's so hard seeing them Like it.
How often do you see them and for how long? for a long time my father could hold it together pretty well for a while, but after a could of hours he'd get tired and a lot worse. So much so that my sister and I thought mum was exaggerating a bit, until my sister stayed with them one weekend, as we were only seeing him for an hour or two at a time.
Also don't forget that sooner ot later you won't be able to go and see them, so make the most of it while you can.
In terms of visits, I see them virtually every weekend. I take my dog who they love and she loves going there cos of the ridiculous amount of treats they give her... Q win win.
I need your point about one day then not being around and believe me, this is at the forefront of my mind all the time. My dad has been amazing, particularly when my biological mum was being such a nasty disgusting piece of s
t and we are very close Dad and I. I take him out a fair bit but he does struggle a bit more now. I dread the day we lose them. I think yesterday was just so tough for reasons unknown. It just drove me bananas hearing the same thing as the last time so I just needed to get it off my chest really.
Thanks again mate
I have posted on this thread over the years about my dad. My experience was the period of frustration ended when he was diagnosed. We then understood it was dementia and not dad.
My last update here was that we got him into a home that specialised in dementia. We thought that was the start of his final chapter. Unfortunately, his condition deteriorated quickly and he became violent within a couple of weeks. We do not know if the change of accommodation triggered him or it was just the next step and bad timing. Either way, it was not the home's fault. However, their response was shocking. They locked him away from other residents and charged him an additional £500/day. (money is not the issue, being taken advantage of due to their failing is) They then served him an eviction notice. We know the safety of other residents is a priority. It was the fact they had no facility to accommodate him even though they promised they did. We would have gone with other facilities if they had been honest with us..
We felt strongly that we had been miss-sold the home. They knew his diagnosis (vascular dementia) so would know the next stages he would go through. The home had committed to providing full service until the end. Unfortunately, social services agreed with us. The ambulance service also agreed with us and refused to move him. As did everyone else. We quickly found out this was a major problem. No one would take responsibility for my dad and there was an eviction notice over his head. Every devious attempt for the home to get my dad off premises so they could refuse him re-entry failed.
Eventually, we did get him to a hospital where he still resides weeks later.
The warning I will give is this. My brother and I are fully signed up to the "coke and hookers" retirement plan for my dad. There is no "inheritance saving plan" as we think he should pay his way and can. You would think as a privately funded person he would have the selection of accommodation. But, due to his condition he has to go through the same process as everyone else.
My flights are booked and I will be in the UK in 2 weeks. I know he will not initially recognise me. That has been the case for 3-4 years. I do an introduction and then he is good. That worked the last time I saw him in October last year. I am not convinced it will work this time.
To the poster above, if you got this far into my post. Old age is cruel and dementia is the even worse. I had a moment of clarity when my frustration turned off like a light switch. . I know it is difficult, but try and sit and listen. It doesn't matter if it is the same story for the 8th time. I miss those times. My dad was my hero. He gave me my passion for cars and gave me freedom by teaching me how to drive and giving my his car whenever I wanted it. He gave me my head start in life and my personality that never gives up, That person is no longer with us. The first major milestone in his decline was when I took his car and license away from him. Shakespeare said that old age is reverse childhood. I read that at school but I now understand it.
My last update here was that we got him into a home that specialised in dementia. We thought that was the start of his final chapter. Unfortunately, his condition deteriorated quickly and he became violent within a couple of weeks. We do not know if the change of accommodation triggered him or it was just the next step and bad timing. Either way, it was not the home's fault. However, their response was shocking. They locked him away from other residents and charged him an additional £500/day. (money is not the issue, being taken advantage of due to their failing is) They then served him an eviction notice. We know the safety of other residents is a priority. It was the fact they had no facility to accommodate him even though they promised they did. We would have gone with other facilities if they had been honest with us..
We felt strongly that we had been miss-sold the home. They knew his diagnosis (vascular dementia) so would know the next stages he would go through. The home had committed to providing full service until the end. Unfortunately, social services agreed with us. The ambulance service also agreed with us and refused to move him. As did everyone else. We quickly found out this was a major problem. No one would take responsibility for my dad and there was an eviction notice over his head. Every devious attempt for the home to get my dad off premises so they could refuse him re-entry failed.
Eventually, we did get him to a hospital where he still resides weeks later.
The warning I will give is this. My brother and I are fully signed up to the "coke and hookers" retirement plan for my dad. There is no "inheritance saving plan" as we think he should pay his way and can. You would think as a privately funded person he would have the selection of accommodation. But, due to his condition he has to go through the same process as everyone else.
My flights are booked and I will be in the UK in 2 weeks. I know he will not initially recognise me. That has been the case for 3-4 years. I do an introduction and then he is good. That worked the last time I saw him in October last year. I am not convinced it will work this time.
To the poster above, if you got this far into my post. Old age is cruel and dementia is the even worse. I had a moment of clarity when my frustration turned off like a light switch. . I know it is difficult, but try and sit and listen. It doesn't matter if it is the same story for the 8th time. I miss those times. My dad was my hero. He gave me my passion for cars and gave me freedom by teaching me how to drive and giving my his car whenever I wanted it. He gave me my head start in life and my personality that never gives up, That person is no longer with us. The first major milestone in his decline was when I took his car and license away from him. Shakespeare said that old age is reverse childhood. I read that at school but I now understand it.
Edited by h0b0 on Monday 22 April 14:39
heisthegaffer said:
Thanks mate. The problem is I take my Stepmum to the doctor and help her go through the issues. Then a couple of weeks later out of the blue she'll phone me to accuse me of telling the doctor things that are untrue (but are actually true), that is what we've fallen out over. What we have agreed is next time after the doctor we will have a debrief over a cup of tea to run through anything she's unhappy about.
In terms of visits, I see them virtually every weekend. I take my dog who they love and she loves going there cos of the ridiculous amount of treats they give her... Q win win.
I need your point about one day then not being around and believe me, this is at the forefront of my mind all the time. My dad has been amazing, particularly when my biological mum was being such a nasty disgusting piece of st and we are very close Dad and I. I take him out a fair bit but he does struggle a bit more now.
I dread the day we lose them. I think yesterday was just so tough for reasons unknown. It just drove me bananas hearing the same thing as the last time so I just needed to get it off my chest really.
Thanks again mate
The friend who gave me that advice has similar issues with his mother. She basically lies to the doctor and then accuses him of lying to the doctor. It's a difficult one. In a way we were quite "lucky" with my father in that he was fairly passive about it and accepted my mother dealing with everything. A tricky situation and possible not a lot you can do besides get it off your chest. In terms of visits, I see them virtually every weekend. I take my dog who they love and she loves going there cos of the ridiculous amount of treats they give her... Q win win.
I need your point about one day then not being around and believe me, this is at the forefront of my mind all the time. My dad has been amazing, particularly when my biological mum was being such a nasty disgusting piece of s
t and we are very close Dad and I. I take him out a fair bit but he does struggle a bit more now. I dread the day we lose them. I think yesterday was just so tough for reasons unknown. It just drove me bananas hearing the same thing as the last time so I just needed to get it off my chest really.
Thanks again mate
I bet the dog helps a lot by having something to focus on. My dad would often hallucinate his dogs, and in the home apparently the staff got used to stepping out of the doorway when he whistled to let his imaginary dog though
. We found digging out photo albums worked well too, he remembered a lot of stuff from decades earlier a lot better than he knew what was going on around him. My wife's grandmother was similar and could talk for ages about life in the land army during the war.RizzoTheRat said:
Something a mate said to me years ago: when they're saying something that's clearly rubbish or being difficult, just go with it and don't bother arguing. Afterwards they won't remember who was wrong and who was right, but you'll both remember the argument and be upset about that.
How often do you see them and for how long? for a long time my father could hold it together pretty well for a while, but after a could of hours he'd get tired and a lot worse. So much so that my sister and I thought mum was exaggerating a bit, until my sister stayed with them one weekend, as we were only seeing him for an hour or two at a time.
Also don't forget that sooner ot later you won't be able to go and see them, so make the most of it while you can.
Excellent post-spot on!How often do you see them and for how long? for a long time my father could hold it together pretty well for a while, but after a could of hours he'd get tired and a lot worse. So much so that my sister and I thought mum was exaggerating a bit, until my sister stayed with them one weekend, as we were only seeing him for an hour or two at a time.
Also don't forget that sooner ot later you won't be able to go and see them, so make the most of it while you can.
h0b0 said:
I have posted on this thread over the years about my dad. My experience was the period of frustration ended when he was diagnosed. We then understood it was dementia and not dad.
My last update here was that we got him into a home that specialised in dementia. We thought that was the start of his final chapter. Unfortunately, his condition deteriorated quickly and he became violent within a couple of weeks. We do not know if the change of accommodation triggered him or it was just the next step and bad timing. Either way, it was not the home's fault. However, their response was shocking. They locked him away from other residents and charged him an additional £500/day. (money is not the issue, being taken advantage of due to their failing is) They then served him an eviction notice. We know the safety of other residents is a priority. It was the fact they had no facility to accommodate him even though they promised they did. We would have gone with other facilities if they had been honest with us..
We felt strongly that we had been miss-sold the home. They knew his diagnosis (vascular dementia) so would know the next stages he would go through. The home had committed to providing full service until the end. Unfortunately, social services agreed with us. The ambulance service also agreed with us and refused to move him. As did everyone else. We quickly found out this was a major problem. No one would take responsibility for my dad and there was an eviction notice over his head. Every devious attempt for the home to get my dad off premises so they could refuse him re-entry failed.
Eventually, we did get him to a hospital where he still resides weeks later.
The warning I will give is this. My brother and I are fully signed up to the "coke and hookers" retirement plan for my dad. There is no "inheritance saving plan" as we think he should pay his way and can. You would think as a privately funded person he would have the selection of accommodation. But, due to his condition he has to go through the same process as everyone else.
My flights are booked and I will be in the UK in 2 weeks. I know he will not initially recognise me. That has been the case for 3-4 years. I do an introduction and then he is good. That worked the last time I saw him in October last year. I am not convinced it will work this time.
To the poster above, if you got this far into my post. Old age is cruel and dementia is the even worse. I had a moment of clarity when my frustration turned off like a light switch. . I know it is difficult, but try and sit and listen. It doesn't matter if it is the same story for the 8th time. I miss those times. My dad was my hero. He gave me my passion for cars and gave me freedom by teaching me how to drive and giving my his car whenever I wanted it. He gave me my head start in life and my personality that never gives up, That person is no longer with us. The first major milestone in his decline was when I took his car and license away from him. Shakespeare said that old age is reverse childhood. I read that at school but I now understand it.
Another excellent post.My last update here was that we got him into a home that specialised in dementia. We thought that was the start of his final chapter. Unfortunately, his condition deteriorated quickly and he became violent within a couple of weeks. We do not know if the change of accommodation triggered him or it was just the next step and bad timing. Either way, it was not the home's fault. However, their response was shocking. They locked him away from other residents and charged him an additional £500/day. (money is not the issue, being taken advantage of due to their failing is) They then served him an eviction notice. We know the safety of other residents is a priority. It was the fact they had no facility to accommodate him even though they promised they did. We would have gone with other facilities if they had been honest with us..
We felt strongly that we had been miss-sold the home. They knew his diagnosis (vascular dementia) so would know the next stages he would go through. The home had committed to providing full service until the end. Unfortunately, social services agreed with us. The ambulance service also agreed with us and refused to move him. As did everyone else. We quickly found out this was a major problem. No one would take responsibility for my dad and there was an eviction notice over his head. Every devious attempt for the home to get my dad off premises so they could refuse him re-entry failed.
Eventually, we did get him to a hospital where he still resides weeks later.
The warning I will give is this. My brother and I are fully signed up to the "coke and hookers" retirement plan for my dad. There is no "inheritance saving plan" as we think he should pay his way and can. You would think as a privately funded person he would have the selection of accommodation. But, due to his condition he has to go through the same process as everyone else.
My flights are booked and I will be in the UK in 2 weeks. I know he will not initially recognise me. That has been the case for 3-4 years. I do an introduction and then he is good. That worked the last time I saw him in October last year. I am not convinced it will work this time.
To the poster above, if you got this far into my post. Old age is cruel and dementia is the even worse. I had a moment of clarity when my frustration turned off like a light switch. . I know it is difficult, but try and sit and listen. It doesn't matter if it is the same story for the 8th time. I miss those times. My dad was my hero. He gave me my passion for cars and gave me freedom by teaching me how to drive and giving my his car whenever I wanted it. He gave me my head start in life and my personality that never gives up, That person is no longer with us. The first major milestone in his decline was when I took his car and license away from him. Shakespeare said that old age is reverse childhood. I read that at school but I now understand it.
Edited by h0b0 on Monday 22 April 14:39
Thanks all, really appreciate the comments.
I have such mixed emotions about it all. I never ever correct them, or rarely at least when it slips out before I can stop myself and I do listen. I guess Sunday I was just in a bad mood and the stories were getting to me.
My dad seems to be deteriorating quickly and then I notice my stepmum has as well. I think I see the relationships differently as she is so private, we can't even go in her bedroom as she has 'confidential papers' out that she's been tidying for about 18 months.
My dad is Mr chilled... Anything goes bless him.
I have such mixed emotions about it all. I never ever correct them, or rarely at least when it slips out before I can stop myself and I do listen. I guess Sunday I was just in a bad mood and the stories were getting to me.
My dad seems to be deteriorating quickly and then I notice my stepmum has as well. I think I see the relationships differently as she is so private, we can't even go in her bedroom as she has 'confidential papers' out that she's been tidying for about 18 months.
My dad is Mr chilled... Anything goes bless him.
PurpleTurtle said:
One thing I would advise, whilst they are of sound mind etc, is to get an LPA in place for both health and finance.
This is a very good point. My parents sorted this out for father before he got too bad, and it did make things a lot easier. They also changed their bank accounts to joint ones. Then my mother sorted out my sister and I getting it for her, even though she's still mentally pretty sharp years after we lot my dad. She still tells me things she told me the last time I phoned though Dementia is a b
d.Edited by RizzoTheRat on Monday 22 April 22:27
RizzoTheRat said:
PurpleTurtle said:
One thing I would advise, whilst they are of sound mind etc, is to get an LPA in place for both health and finance.
This is a very good point. My parents sorted this out for father before he got too bad, and it did make things a lot easier. They also changed their bank accounts to joint ones. Then my mother sorted out my sister and I getting it for her, even though she's still mentally pretty sharp years after we lot my dad. She still tells me things she told me the last time I phoned though Dementia is a b
d.Edited by RizzoTheRat on Monday 22 April 22:27
We have access to my dad's bank accounts.. We see he draws about a few hundred quid out 2 or 3 times a week... No idea where it goes. Worryingly.
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