Sex after having kids
Discussion
Seen this topic a few times on here now. The OP is always “me me me” with no consideration for the other person
- I want sex but partner doesn’t
- I need sex otherwise I won’t continue the relationship
It’s no good asking “why don’t you want sex? I really need it” You need to drop the pressure altogether and ask her what has changed, what could you help with etc. would she be more comfortable with a lower level of intimacy. It’s an issue of communication first then working as a team to work towards sorting it.
- I want sex but partner doesn’t
- I need sex otherwise I won’t continue the relationship
It’s no good asking “why don’t you want sex? I really need it” You need to drop the pressure altogether and ask her what has changed, what could you help with etc. would she be more comfortable with a lower level of intimacy. It’s an issue of communication first then working as a team to work towards sorting it.
CraigNewmarket said:
It just ends in her saying I don't want sex and when I say but you want to have a sex life again don't you she just says I'm just not bothered for it.
At the momentYoung kids
Body issues
Hormones
Fatigue
For the short-medium term, guess where you getting your rocks off fits in on that priority list?
Personal question, is she in the pill? When my wife was on the pill it was a full on drought for any snu snu. When she switched to marina (or whatever its called) after the kids were born it was night and day.
She was much happier in herself and much more positive in her outlook. All her irregular cycles disappeared too.
She was much happier in herself and much more positive in her outlook. All her irregular cycles disappeared too.
Muzzer79 said:
Having an adult toddler pulling at her skirt asking
"can we have sex yet?"
"can we have sex yet?"
"can we have sex yet?"
Will not help. Quite the opposite in fact.
Would you want to have sex with her when she's only doing it for your benefit? I can think of nothing worse.
Park the testosterone for a while - Favourite Pronhub if you need to.
Support your wife.
I do use pronhub daily, it's a emotional connection as much as physical."can we have sex yet?"
"can we have sex yet?"
"can we have sex yet?"
Will not help. Quite the opposite in fact.
Would you want to have sex with her when she's only doing it for your benefit? I can think of nothing worse.
Park the testosterone for a while - Favourite Pronhub if you need to.
Support your wife.
Isnt a fiancé/wife the person you can rely on who cares about you and wants to be with you
ParkerTalbot said:
It's a big thing for blokes and it can have a big impact on us, but it's very common.
Agree with a lot of the posts above. Accept that as a bloke you'll never really understand just how enormous an effect hormones have in women. We get to about 18 and stay the same way virtually our whole lives. They change multiple times, from teens/puberty, then motherhood, then menopause. These are massive life changes, massive internal changes and can effect everything about them, from mood to self esteem, cause effects similar to depression, anxiety, erratic behaviour, loss of sex drive and everything in between.
I've been through similar to you after 2nd child, it then bounced back for many years and now we seem to be facing similar with early perimenopause. I almost cannot describe some of the things I've witnessed/heard from someone so close to me over the past year which then seemingly change with the flip of a coin. Quite scary and it's taken a while to understand it as neither of us had a clue what was going on.
Be supportive, be understanding, don't throw your toys out of the pram. A year or two is nothing in the grand scheme of things when you have two children and a previously solid bond.
I could cope with it if it wasn't making me so insecure about our relationship and our future. She found a Xmas present yesterday and I was thinking if we make it. Facebook memories is full of pics of me and her and when I see pics of 5 years ago it makes me think will I ever be as happy again.Agree with a lot of the posts above. Accept that as a bloke you'll never really understand just how enormous an effect hormones have in women. We get to about 18 and stay the same way virtually our whole lives. They change multiple times, from teens/puberty, then motherhood, then menopause. These are massive life changes, massive internal changes and can effect everything about them, from mood to self esteem, cause effects similar to depression, anxiety, erratic behaviour, loss of sex drive and everything in between.
I've been through similar to you after 2nd child, it then bounced back for many years and now we seem to be facing similar with early perimenopause. I almost cannot describe some of the things I've witnessed/heard from someone so close to me over the past year which then seemingly change with the flip of a coin. Quite scary and it's taken a while to understand it as neither of us had a clue what was going on.
Be supportive, be understanding, don't throw your toys out of the pram. A year or two is nothing in the grand scheme of things when you have two children and a previously solid bond.
CraigNewmarket said:
Isnt a fiancé/wife the person you can rely on who cares about you and wants to be with you
Yes, you're absolutely right.Nothing you have said on this thread indicates that she doesn't care about you or want to be with you.
She's just gone off sex for a bit. So, park your own needs for a bit and support her.
CraigNewmarket said:
Hi All I need some advice.
I'm 42 my fiancee is 40, we have a 4 year old and a 1 year old and simply my fiancee isn't intrested in sex anymore or bothered that I want sex and its making me reconsider the whole relationship.
I just feel like she doesn't care about me at all and it getting to the point I'm thinking if she isn't putting effort into the relationship why should I.
Anytime I bring sex up she rolls her eyes, I feel like I need sex to keep my connection to her and honesty it gets me through the week and she's just pushing me away. I feel she doesn't care about me happy. When I said to her are you not bothered or feel sorry we don't have sex anymore she said no
It also makes me feel incredibly insecure which is not me at all.
What are other people experiences of having sex after kids?
You're not the only one. I'm 42 my fiancee is 40, we have a 4 year old and a 1 year old and simply my fiancee isn't intrested in sex anymore or bothered that I want sex and its making me reconsider the whole relationship.
I just feel like she doesn't care about me at all and it getting to the point I'm thinking if she isn't putting effort into the relationship why should I.
Anytime I bring sex up she rolls her eyes, I feel like I need sex to keep my connection to her and honesty it gets me through the week and she's just pushing me away. I feel she doesn't care about me happy. When I said to her are you not bothered or feel sorry we don't have sex anymore she said no
It also makes me feel incredibly insecure which is not me at all.
What are other people experiences of having sex after kids?
Yet broach the idea of getting sex somewhere else and watch her flip out.
Brainpox said:
Seen this topic a few times on here now. The OP is always “me me me” with no consideration for the other person
- I want sex but partner doesn’t
- I need sex otherwise I won’t continue the relationship
It’s no good asking “why don’t you want sex? I really need it” You need to drop the pressure altogether and ask her what has changed, what could you help with etc. would she be more comfortable with a lower level of intimacy. It’s an issue of communication first then working as a team to work towards sorting it.
She wonr discuss its simply I don't want to have sex. I said to her you like having orgasms don't you she said she's not bothered for it. - I want sex but partner doesn’t
- I need sex otherwise I won’t continue the relationship
It’s no good asking “why don’t you want sex? I really need it” You need to drop the pressure altogether and ask her what has changed, what could you help with etc. would she be more comfortable with a lower level of intimacy. It’s an issue of communication first then working as a team to work towards sorting it.
CraigNewmarket said:
I do use pronhub daily, it's a emotional connection as much as physical.
Isnt a fiancé/wife the person you can rely on who cares about you and wants to be with you
An emotional connection with pornhub sounds a bit bizarre to be honest, you have a partner and two young children, park your sex drive and create some happy photos with your family. Isnt a fiancé/wife the person you can rely on who cares about you and wants to be with you
greygoose said:
CraigNewmarket said:
I do use pronhub daily, it's a emotional connection as much as physical.
Isnt a fiancé/wife the person you can rely on who cares about you and wants to be with you
An emotional connection with pornhub sounds a bit bizarre to be honest, you have a partner and two young children, park your sex drive and create some happy photos with your family. Isnt a fiancé/wife the person you can rely on who cares about you and wants to be with you
sagarich said:
I have 2 boys, 7 & 4. Sex has been pretty much non existent since the birth of our youngest…
It’s not never, it’s just the infrequently. And it always seems like a chore for her. I’m sure I’m not alone, most Dads in my friendship group experience similar.
ETA: We’ve both been through quite a trauma with our 4 year old that’s pretty poorly. Taken its toll on both of us, so definitely doesn’t help the cause.It’s not never, it’s just the infrequently. And it always seems like a chore for her. I’m sure I’m not alone, most Dads in my friendship group experience similar.
I'm with some of the others in the thread - it's time to move on to the next chapter of your relationship. Yes the Sex was there a lot before kids and perhaps during the phase of making the second child but now things have tailed off, your partners energy levels, desires and relationship goals have changed.
You're not going to "get it" at the same levels as before and "asking" for it to return will just push it further away.
My advice, as a father of a 10 & 8 year old, is focus on the bigger picture. Someone else said it - is she a good mum, does she support you, is she affectionate etc etc? If the answer is mostly yes, on balance that she is now dealing with the whirlwind of physical and mental emotions of motherhood... which WILL GET A LOT MORE INTENSE as your kids get a little older, then stick with it. The Sex will return, less frequent, on it's own accord if you hold up your side of the bargain and adapt with you wife/partner.
I too found it hard when my first was born. I was 30 years old, my wife was 35. I was more immature but over the years, now 40, I have worked out I am to go with the flow, accept I am no longer centre of attention and have "hope" that situations that occur in the relationship are on temporary. As for sex we go for not having anything for 4-6 weeks to being more frequent again. My wife works almost full time, my kids are intense sometimes, my eldest is developing into a teenager, clubs, schools, friendship issues, work, finances as kids are expensive --- there is a lot of s
t going and a lot of it is on the wife/ladies shoulders no matter who equal we try to be in this modern world.
One thing to consider is does she need to be stay at home mum? My wife loves working and it gives her a whole different life outside of kids. This helps immensely. I imagine if she was a stay at home mum she would be lacking in confidence, lost perspective and perhaps even more "i am a mum and nothing else".
You're not going to "get it" at the same levels as before and "asking" for it to return will just push it further away.
My advice, as a father of a 10 & 8 year old, is focus on the bigger picture. Someone else said it - is she a good mum, does she support you, is she affectionate etc etc? If the answer is mostly yes, on balance that she is now dealing with the whirlwind of physical and mental emotions of motherhood... which WILL GET A LOT MORE INTENSE as your kids get a little older, then stick with it. The Sex will return, less frequent, on it's own accord if you hold up your side of the bargain and adapt with you wife/partner.
I too found it hard when my first was born. I was 30 years old, my wife was 35. I was more immature but over the years, now 40, I have worked out I am to go with the flow, accept I am no longer centre of attention and have "hope" that situations that occur in the relationship are on temporary. As for sex we go for not having anything for 4-6 weeks to being more frequent again. My wife works almost full time, my kids are intense sometimes, my eldest is developing into a teenager, clubs, schools, friendship issues, work, finances as kids are expensive --- there is a lot of s
t going and a lot of it is on the wife/ladies shoulders no matter who equal we try to be in this modern world.One thing to consider is does she need to be stay at home mum? My wife loves working and it gives her a whole different life outside of kids. This helps immensely. I imagine if she was a stay at home mum she would be lacking in confidence, lost perspective and perhaps even more "i am a mum and nothing else".
As per Mumsnet:
In cases like this, it always seems to boil down to the man not doing housework.. or not helping with the baby, or just expecting the female to be a cum dump when he wants it - ME ME ME ME!.... something like that anyway.. got bored of all the blah blah blah crap they write.
In cases like this, it always seems to boil down to the man not doing housework.. or not helping with the baby, or just expecting the female to be a cum dump when he wants it - ME ME ME ME!.... something like that anyway.. got bored of all the blah blah blah crap they write.
the cueball said:
As per Mumsnet:
In cases like this, it always seems to boil down to the man not doing housework.. or not helping with the baby, or just expecting the female to be a cum dump when he wants it - ME ME ME ME!.... something like that anyway.. got bored of all the blah blah blah crap they write.
You sound delightful and a great catch for any self-respecting lady.In cases like this, it always seems to boil down to the man not doing housework.. or not helping with the baby, or just expecting the female to be a cum dump when he wants it - ME ME ME ME!.... something like that anyway.. got bored of all the blah blah blah crap they write.
CraigNewmarket said:
It just ends in her saying I don't want sex and when I say but you want to have a sex life again don't you she just says I'm just not bothered for it.
I know lots of men who have literally not had sex since the second child was conceived. Part of me thinks you have done your job now and given her the children she wanted so you are not required on that front anymore.If you attempt to instigate anything you no doubt get the excuses of being too tired/ill/stressed or her going to bed early and pretending to be asleep when you come up. We joke about birthday sex but effectively that is what will happen, it either being a treat or her just giving in when she can't put up with your begging anymore. Some men are just resigned to it eventually and stop even trying, there is a whole thread on Reddit called /deadbedrooms on this subject.
Then you get to the situation where you are basically housemates, either you accept your lot or eventually you will get divorced. In my experience once the youngest is at school full time the woman starts to think about what she wants out of life and a need to "find herself". After that it won't be long before you get the "I love you, i'm just not in love with you speech" and you will effectively be done.
And for all those men who are being told "I'm just not interested in sex", what she is really saying is she isn't interested in sex with you. Once they start going out with friends again and get on the dating apps they are 100% definitely interested in sex.
Once the intimacy is gone, it is very unlikely it is ever going to come back.
OP, taking sex completely out of it.
What do you do together just the 2 of you ?
do you get any ''date nights'' ? Any time away from the kids at all.
Do you get much support from grandparents? Even for just a meal and get away for a few hours to get some time together ?
What do you do on an evening after kids have gone to bed? What is the emotional connection between you both regardless of the no sex?
What do you do together just the 2 of you ?
do you get any ''date nights'' ? Any time away from the kids at all.
Do you get much support from grandparents? Even for just a meal and get away for a few hours to get some time together ?
What do you do on an evening after kids have gone to bed? What is the emotional connection between you both regardless of the no sex?
A difficult conversation to have, especially if she feels that you are judging her for not caring about you anymore. You may need to recognise that this is not about you and you may need to be more supportive, in part by letting her know it is ok to talk about this with you, as you will not judge, you will not try to 'fix her', you will try to do what you can to make her life better in every way, because that is how we show love.
Try to understand what is at the heart of the problem. Stop asking for sex, try finding out more about what she used to enjoy about it, and if you can recreate it (and know that you might not be able to).
She is not obliged to have sex with you, it should alway be a privilege for you both that is earned through your commitment to, and care for, each other.
Try to understand what is at the heart of the problem. Stop asking for sex, try finding out more about what she used to enjoy about it, and if you can recreate it (and know that you might not be able to).
She is not obliged to have sex with you, it should alway be a privilege for you both that is earned through your commitment to, and care for, each other.
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