Sex after having kids

[ZedLeg]

Joey Deacon said:

CraigNewmarket said:

It just ends in her saying I don't want sex and when I say but you want to have a sex life again don't you she just says I'm just not bothered for it.

I know lots of men who have literally not had sex since the second child was conceived. Part of me thinks you have done your job now and given her the children she wanted so you are not required on that front anymore.

If you attempt to instigate anything you no doubt get the excuses of being too tired/ill/stressed or her going to bed early and pretending to be asleep when you come up. We joke about birthday sex but effectively that is what will happen, it either being a treat or her just giving in when she can't put up with your begging anymore. Some men are just resigned to it eventually and stop even trying, there is a whole thread on Reddit called /deadbedrooms on this subject.

Then you get to the situation where you are basically housemates, either you accept your lot or eventually you will get divorced. In my experience once the youngest is at school full time the woman starts to think about what she wants out of life and a need to "find herself". After that it won't be long before you get the "I love you, i'm just not in love with you speech" and you will effectively be done.

And for all those men who are being told "I'm just not interested in sex", what she is really saying is she isn't interested in sex with you. Once they start going out with friends again and get on the dating apps they are 100% definitely interested in sex.

Once the intimacy is gone, it is very unlikely it is ever going to come back.

I can't imagine why a woman would want to leave after realising her husband doesn't see her as much more than a fkhole.

[AlvinSultana]

Ask her what she would say were the roles reversed.

Ask her what her friends would say if she was telling them how YOU were refusing to have sex with HER.

If a woman found herself in this situation, living with a man in a sexless situation without affection, then she would have zero problem justifying all manner of action / revenge. Leaving you or having an affair would be a perfectly justifiable response if you had the audacity to turn her down.


This is how I would approach it.

[globaltraveller]

After trying hard for the kids, I would view this as grounds for leaving the relationship. For one side to turn off the taps, whether man or woman, is breaking the implicit deal behind a relationship.

The more pragmatic fix of course is to start paying for it.

[deckster]

Brummiebeau said:

OP, taking sex completely out of it.

What do you do together just the 2 of you ?
do you get any ''date nights'' ? Any time away from the kids at all.
Do you get much support from grandparents? Even for just a meal and get away for a few hours to get some time together ?
What do you do on an evening after kids have gone to bed? What is the emotional connection between you both regardless of the no sex?

These are really excellent questions.

Sex is part of your relationship. If she is looking after the kids all day and you are out at work all day, you need to actively make time in the evenings and weekends to have a relationship. I am projecting here, but if you have fallen into a routine where you are eating dinner in front of the TV, then she goes to bed whilst you sort yourself out in front of Pornhub then there is something more fundamental you need to work on than just the sex.

[globaltraveller]

After my comment above I went back and read the thread.

I’m really surprised by the responses. Yes, give her time, talk to her, try to work through it together etc.

But I personally think if a person, male or female, turns off the taps and just shrugs then they are breaking the promise and you are entitled to leave. It is the worst type of bait and switch.

To all of the modern men posting above, what if you try all of that softly-softly stuff and still don’t get anywhere? Would you be having sex once a year in your 40s and 50s?

[Monkeylegend]

globaltraveller said:

The more pragmatic fix of course is to start paying for it.

Since when did having sex ever not involve a financial cost irrespective of whoever you were or are having it with

[deckster]

globaltraveller said:

After my comment above I went back and read the thread.

I’m really surprised by the responses. Yes, give her time, talk to her, try to work through it together etc.

But I personally think if a person, male or female, turns off the taps and just shrugs then they are breaking the promise and you are entitled to leave. It is the worst type of bait and switch.

To all of the modern men posting above, what if you try all of that softly-softly stuff and still don’t get anywhere? Would you be having sex once a year in your 40s and 50s?

"Breaking the promise"? Get over yourself.

Relationships are not a static contract, they are a living environment for two actual people, with evolving needs and desires, and you need to work on them forever.

If you aren't getting what you need from a relationship then you either need to work harder at it, or accept that it's not working and get out. But there is no "promise" or "entitlement to leave".

[Pieman68]

globaltraveller said:

But I personally think if a person, male or female, turns off the taps and just shrugs then they are breaking the promise and you are entitled to leave. It is the worst type of bait and switch.

To all of the modern men posting above, what if you try all of that softly-softly stuff and still don’t get anywhere? Would you be having sex once a year in your 40s and 50s?

I think the main point of relevance there is the term "just shrugs"

From a personal point of view - my OH is going through menopause and finds sex painful and uncomfortable (and no, I'm not boasting here). Her body has gone through significant changes hormonally.

She hates it and is terrified that it is going to cause me to leave her. She's consulted every resource that we can get hold of RE HRT and the like and the NHS have been pretty much useless (unless you get a GP that specialises you are in trouble here)

But we make a point of sharing our lives now that the kids are grown. We talk, we laugh and we make a point of going to bed together and cuddling up to watch a bit of telly before sleep.

It's difficult and frustrating at times, for both of us. But our life has evolved around it.

With my ex-wife our sex life was prodigious (so much so that she was getting it elsewhere as well, hence the ex) but there was very little behind the relationship to support it. The woman I am with now is with me because of who I am - we met when I was potless due to divorce and she helped me to get my life back on track, supported me in my work-life and encouraged my hobbies and friendships, so that both of us can be us rather than just a couple.

If that makes me a beta male, I really don't care. I'd rather be loved and cared for whilst having to crack one off once in a while, than be out there is the dating world where all the crazies lurk

[globaltraveller]

deckster said:

"Breaking the promise"? Get over yourself.

Relationships are not a static contract, they are a living environment for two actual people, with evolving needs and desires, and you need to work on them forever.

If you aren't getting what you need from a relationship then you either need to work harder at it, or accept that it's not working and get out. But there is no "promise" or "entitlement to leave".

You agree to forsake all others at the altar, and implicit in that is that the other person will in turn meet your physical, emotional, spiritual needs.

To decline to do that with a shrug after you are committed in the relationship is wrong, and my conscience would be clear in walking away.

(I can find 100 women giving and getting the same advice on Mumsnet to avoid any tinge of misogyny.)

[GT3Manthey]

One thing OP , what if for some physical reason your wife wasn’t capable of having sex anymore how would you handle that do you think ?

I know you feel rejected now and she is capable of love making but the above situations do happen so I wonder how people deal that that.

All a bit off topic of course

[globaltraveller]

Pieman68 said:

I think the main point of relevance there is the term "just shrugs"

I agree, it is the attitude of the OPs wife that alarmed me more than the situation.

Both I and my wife had periods of low libido, but we apologise, get down the gym, take some supplements, go away for the weekend or whatever and it picks up again.

To just say “I don’t want it” is pretty cold.

[CraigNewmarket]

Joey Deacon said:

I know lots of men who have literally not had sex since the second child was conceived. Part of me thinks you have done your job now and given her the children she wanted so you are not required on that front anymore.

If you attempt to instigate anything you no doubt get the excuses of being too tired/ill/stressed or her going to bed early and pretending to be asleep when you come up. We joke about birthday sex but effectively that is what will happen, it either being a treat or her just giving in when she can't put up with your begging anymore. Some men are just resigned to it eventually and stop even trying, there is a whole thread on Reddit called /deadbedrooms on this subject.

Then you get to the situation where you are basically housemates, either you accept your lot or eventually you will get divorced. In my experience once the youngest is at school full time the woman starts to think about what she wants out of life and a need to "find herself". After that it won't be long before you get the "I love you, i'm just not in love with you speech" and you will effectively be done.

And for all those men who are being told "I'm just not interested in sex", what she is really saying is she isn't interested in sex with you. Once they start going out with friends again and get on the dating apps they are 100% definitely interested in sex.

Once the intimacy is gone, it is very unlikely it is ever going to come back.

This is what im worried about the longer it goes on and makes me want to invest (emotionally and otherwise) in her and the relationship.

The longer it goes on the more insecure and needy for sex I get

[CraigNewmarket]

Brummiebeau said:

OP, taking sex completely out of it.

What do you do together just the 2 of you ?
do you get any ''date nights'' ? Any time away from the kids at all.
Do you get much support from grandparents? Even for just a meal and get away for a few hours to get some time together ?
What do you do on an evening after kids have gone to bed? What is the emotional connection between you both regardless of the no sex?

I've brought this up before saying sex is the only thing we do together, when we have been on date nights which are infrequent shes flirty and smiley and its just like old times but it never progresses into anything.

We have a hour to ourselves on the sofa every night once the kids are in bed this is normally spent watching a episode of something and then we go to bed.

She very really instigates a cuddle or kiss I'm talking months it's all from my side.

[ZedLeg]

globaltraveller said:

To all of the modern men posting above, what if you try all of that softly-softly stuff and still don’t get anywhere? Would you be having sex once a year in your 40s and 50s?

A little insight as it's relevant.

My partner is asexual, this means that a lot of the time they don't have much if any sex drive. We may go for months without having sex as they don't think about it and I'd rather not if they aren't really into it.

We still have a loving and intimate relationship, it's just that one little bit that doesn't happen much.

It's ultimately not that big a deal to me, sex is nice but it's not the be all and end all.

I'm not perfectly enlightened, I had an affair about 4 years ago which was due to my own issues and we worked through it.

Edited by ZedLeg on Tuesday 29th August 12:41

[lizardbrain]

Do you still cuddle and seek out oxy from each other?

If not it does sound like a deeper problem than sex. It's obviously natural for a women to become less horny after kids, we are just animals after all. It's unrealistic to agree to have a family and expect sex life to continue unchanged.

However intimacy is not a binary switch. There is ways for her to maintain intimacy without going all the way. Otherwise it moves the relationship out of the intimate towards the transactional

I know families where the guy accepts this new reality has made arrangements elsewhere. If there is trust and respect I don't see the problem with that personally, as long as there is honesty about the new situation.

[Muzzer79]

globaltraveller said:

After my comment above I went back and read the thread.

I’m really surprised by the responses. Yes, give her time, talk to her, try to work through it together etc.

But I personally think if a person, male or female, turns off the taps and just shrugs then they are breaking the promise and you are entitled to leave. It is the worst type of bait and switch.

To all of the modern men posting above, what if you try all of that softly-softly stuff and still don’t get anywhere? Would you be having sex once a year in your 40s and 50s?

Christ almighty......do people really think like this?

The point with the OP is that this is relatively new and probably temporary. He needs to be patient and put effort in with his partner, not sit in the corner with his arms folded and a frown on because he can't get laid.

If this was years in and the OP had been intimate rarely during that time, that's a different situation and one which requires a different approach.

But to consider justified in leaving your wife because she's gone off sex for a bit after two recent kids is just..........shallow.

[CraigNewmarket]

globaltraveller said:

Pieman68 said:

I think the main point of relevance there is the term "just shrugs"

I agree, it is the attitude of the OPs wife that alarmed me more than the situation.

Both I and my wife had periods of low libido, but we apologise, get down the gym, take some supplements, go away for the weekend or whatever and it picks up again.

To just say “I don’t want it” is pretty cold.

It's come across to me as I don't want it and I'm not bothered about it. I say to her we can't just give up can we which is met with silence.

[bunchofkeys]

OP, I think you said that she was on the pill? Get her of that ASAP, it seriously fks about with her hormones.

[CraigNewmarket]

Muzzer79 said:

globaltraveller said:

After my comment above I went back and read the thread.

I’m really surprised by the responses. Yes, give her time, talk to her, try to work through it together etc.

But I personally think if a person, male or female, turns off the taps and just shrugs then they are breaking the promise and you are entitled to leave. It is the worst type of bait and switch.

To all of the modern men posting above, what if you try all of that softly-softly stuff and still don’t get anywhere? Would you be having sex once a year in your 40s and 50s?

Christ almighty......do people really think like this?

The point with the OP is that this is relatively new and probably temporary. He needs to be patient and put effort in with his partner, not sit in the corner with his arms folded and a frown on because he can't get laid.

If this was years in and the OP had been intimate rarely during that time, that's a different situation and one which requires a different approach.

But to consider justified in leaving your wife because she's gone off sex for a bit after two recent kids is just..........shallow.

I agree with all this, the first milestone was after she'd stopped breastfeeding see if things changed they didn't. Now the milestone is my sons first birthday have things changed no they haven't. I do love her I really do but how long do I give it.

It just makes me really insecure and I have lost all my confidence in everyday circumstances like at work.

If she said to me I know I don't feel like it now but I'm sure i will in the future I'd feel a lot better but she hasn't. All this insecurity makes me look for other signs like does she plan future plans for us does she talk about doing things to the house does she talk about our kids in the future.

I"ve lost so much confidence I even think twice if she says love you or not at the end of a phone call.

[Muzzer79]

CraigNewmarket said:

It's come across to me as I don't want it and I'm not bothered about it. I say to her we can't just give up can we which is met with silence.

She doesn't want it and isn't bothered by it.

What you need to recognise is that it's probably not permanent and will require your support and patience to change.

CraigNewmarket said:

Muzzer79 said:

globaltraveller said:

After my comment above I went back and read the thread.

I’m really surprised by the responses. Yes, give her time, talk to her, try to work through it together etc.

But I personally think if a person, male or female, turns off the taps and just shrugs then they are breaking the promise and you are entitled to leave. It is the worst type of bait and switch.

To all of the modern men posting above, what if you try all of that softly-softly stuff and still don’t get anywhere? Would you be having sex once a year in your 40s and 50s?

Christ almighty......do people really think like this?

The point with the OP is that this is relatively new and probably temporary. He needs to be patient and put effort in with his partner, not sit in the corner with his arms folded and a frown on because he can't get laid.

If this was years in and the OP had been intimate rarely during that time, that's a different situation and one which requires a different approach.

But to consider justified in leaving your wife because she's gone off sex for a bit after two recent kids is just..........shallow.

I agree with all this, the first milestone was after she'd stopped breastfeeding see if things changed they didn't. Now the milestone is my sons first birthday have things changed no they haven't. I do love her I really do but how long do I give it.

It just makes me really insecure and I have lost all my confidence in everyday circumstances like at work.

If she said to me I know I don't feel like it now but I'm sure i will in the future I'd feel a lot better but she hasn't. All this insecurity makes me look for other signs like does she plan future plans for us does she talk about doing things to the house does she talk about our kids in the future.

I"ve lost so much confidence I even think twice if she says love you or not at the end of a phone call.

I mean this as constructively as possible, but it sounds like you have much, much bigger insecurity issues if a lack of intimacy leads you down this lack-of-confidence path.

If your confidence and self-worth is defined by how often your partner wants to have sex with you, seek therapy for yourself. Seriously.