Sex after having kids

[QJumper]

CraigNewmarket said:

So I should just expect nothing? Put all the work and effort in and be rejected for the one thing I can't get anywhere else. Just plod along and be unhappy until I don't even want sex anymore.

Edited by CraigNewmarket on Tuesday 12th December 11:26

Without going into all the whys and wherefores, you've basically got these choices.

1. Do nothing. Sit it out, without complaining. Occupy your mind with something else, and see if things improve. Don't mention sex.
2. The above, but with the addition of trying to help out with her tiredness.
3. Get sex elsewhere.
4. Leave.
5. Carry on complaining, scheduling sex that doesn't work, and then sulking about it.

Now, think about what you want, both long and short term, and consider which of the above is most likely to lead to that outcome. Clue, it isn't 5.

[BoRED S2upid]

fourstardan said:

BoRED S2upid said:

There you go. Stop it with the constant pressure sex night is a bad idea and is just going to put her under more pressure.

Do you take the kids off her hands? Give her a break? If not do this. Do it this weekend take them both to the Zoo tell her to have a day off.

If I take my son out for about 2 hours for a rest I get jumped on.....women are bizarre species.

2 easy ways to get laid borrow a dog or young child preferably from a relative not go all saville lol.


Be interested to hear the OPs efforts in this department though in all seriousness how much effort is he putting in with the kids?

[Muzzer79]

CraigNewmarket said:

Monkeylegend said:

I would love to hear your partners side to this story.

I expect she would say she's worn out after having the 1 year old all day and sex is still uncomfortable and my partner never stops going on about it.

Edited by CraigNewmarket on Tuesday 12th December 11:39

So you're fully aware of all this and are still sulking about the fact that you're not getting any?

I'm stunned by your selfishness.

I fully subscribe to the view that a sexless relationship is not fair on a party not signing up to it and that affection is important. I am in no way advocating just accepting a lack of intimacy for the rest of your days.

But have some patience man. Support your partner for heaven's sake.

[PinkHouse]

Muzzer79 said:

CraigNewmarket said:

Monkeylegend said:

I would love to hear your partners side to this story.

I expect she would say she's worn out after having the 1 year old all day and sex is still uncomfortable and my partner never stops going on about it.

Edited by CraigNewmarket on Tuesday 12th December 11:39

So you're fully aware of all this and are still sulking about the fact that you're not getting any?

I'm stunned by your selfishness.

I fully subscribe to the view that a sexless relationship is not fair on a party not signing up to it and that affection is important. I am in no way advocating just accepting a lack of intimacy for the rest of your days.

But have some patience man. Support your partner for heaven's sake.

You were making a good point until you got to the point where the issue was because of a lack of support for his partner and calling the OP selfish. The OP is definitely guilty of many things and is handling this in the worst way but selfishness and a lack of support are not the issue. The issue here is down to a lack of attraction and respect

[King David]

PinkHouse said:

Muzzer79 said:

CraigNewmarket said:

Monkeylegend said:

I would love to hear your partners side to this story.

I expect she would say she's worn out after having the 1 year old all day and sex is still uncomfortable and my partner never stops going on about it.

Edited by CraigNewmarket on Tuesday 12th December 11:39

So you're fully aware of all this and are still sulking about the fact that you're not getting any?

I'm stunned by your selfishness.

I fully subscribe to the view that a sexless relationship is not fair on a party not signing up to it and that affection is important. I am in no way advocating just accepting a lack of intimacy for the rest of your days.

But have some patience man. Support your partner for heaven's sake.

You were making a good point until you got to the point where the issue was because of a lack of support for his partner and calling the OP selfish. The OP is definitely guilty of many things and is handling this in the worst way but selfishness and a lack of support are not the issue. The issue here is down to a lack of attraction and respect

What a load of rubbish. The issue is the poor woman is juggling a 4 year old and a 1 year old, is still (by the OP’s admission) uncomfortable down there and is getting asked to just switch it on the schedule.

So many of us have told you the same thing in different ways. Stop making the objective sex. Make the objective reclaiming intimacy.

Once you have that again the sex will follow.

If she’s doesn’t want to get on board with that, then maybe you have a reason to worry.

[lord trumpton]

Some women never regain their sex drive following birthing.

Even if she did regain it, finding the time to relax, enjoy and actually become intimate is grossly slashed with kids whining, running around, coughing, farting or being sick.

Before you know it the kids will be grown up and she'll be entering the menopause.

After that then the grandkids will be over all the time.

Your dreams are just dreams OP

These are the often overlooked factors when deciding its a good idea to have children

[Lincsls1]

lord trumpton said:

Some women never regain their sex drive following birthing.

Even if she did regain it, finding the time to relax, enjoy and actually become intimate is grossly slashed with kids whining, running around, coughing, farting or being sick.

Before you know it the kids will be grown up and she'll be entering the menopause.

After that then the grandkids will be over all the time.

Your dreams are just dreams OP

These are the often overlooked factors when deciding its a good idea to have children

Not really selling the idea of kids to me I'm afraid!

[anonymous-user]

Lincsls1 said:

Not really selling the idea of kids to me I'm afraid!

No, some married men I know have not had sex since the wife got pregnant with the second child. Part of me would say the sex on tap in the early days was to land you, and now she has the house, two children and marriage she doesn't have to bait that hook anymore.

Which then leads on the scary thought that you were never the first option anyway and she only married the man to get the lifestyle she wanted.

[Muzzer79]

PinkHouse said:

Muzzer79 said:

CraigNewmarket said:

Monkeylegend said:

I would love to hear your partners side to this story.

I expect she would say she's worn out after having the 1 year old all day and sex is still uncomfortable and my partner never stops going on about it.

Edited by CraigNewmarket on Tuesday 12th December 11:39

So you're fully aware of all this and are still sulking about the fact that you're not getting any?

I'm stunned by your selfishness.

I fully subscribe to the view that a sexless relationship is not fair on a party not signing up to it and that affection is important. I am in no way advocating just accepting a lack of intimacy for the rest of your days.

But have some patience man. Support your partner for heaven's sake.

You were making a good point until you got to the point where the issue was because of a lack of support for his partner and calling the OP selfish. The OP is definitely guilty of many things and is handling this in the worst way but selfishness and a lack of support are not the issue. The issue here is down to a lack of attraction and respect

It’s not disrespectful to refuse sex with your partner (or anyone else) if you don’t want to do it.

Lying about wanting it, stringing someone along or taunting someone is another matter but I don’t see any of that in the OP’s posts…..

[QJumper]

ZedLeg said:

As was said right at the start of thread, you are never owed sex in any situation.

You are if you paid upfront

Seriously though that's not entirely true, at least in the sense that sex is a reasonable expectation in any relationship, and most people are aware of that when entering one. It's part of the overall deal/package, but it's not a one way street, or something done in isolation. The deal is that one person commits to sex with another as part of the relationship, in exchange for the other commiting to sexual exclusivity. Take the sex part of the deal of away and you negate the exclusivity part of it. Both are unwritten but understood commitments made in any relationship.

Obviously there are also many reasonble exceptions, as it seems in the OP's case, where other factors have impacted either the desire or ability to have sex, and the need for things to be put on hold, which is just as reasonable too. And the OP needs to come at it with that in mind. Even I would be resentful about being nagged to do something I didn't want to, even if I was expected to do it. I'd do it eventually, but begrudgingly. So that approach might work for putting the bins out, but sex is an entirely different matter.

That said, I can see his frustration, and believe he's not unreasonable to want sex, only that he's going about it in both an insensitive way, and one that will likely ensure he never gets it again, if and when her sex drive returns. Consequently I tend to agree with the other posters who say that she's lost attraction for him, or least is well on the way. Her sex drive may have been put on hold due to stress and tiredness, but his way of dealing with it is a surefire way to kill attraction.

[King David]

Joey Deacon said:

Lincsls1 said:

Not really selling the idea of kids to me I'm afraid!

No, some married men I know have not had sex since the wife got pregnant with the second child. Part of me would say the sex on tap in the early days was to land you, and now she has the house, two children and marriage she doesn't have to bait that hook anymore.

Which then leads on the scary thought that you were never the first option anyway and she only married the man to get the lifestyle she wanted.

Or, just possibly, it means that the experience of childbirth has changed then fundamentally. Nothing nefarious or manipulative, just a simple, innocent change.

If someone’s husband had an illness of the nether regions that resulted in 9 months of hormonal imbalance and then major trauma/surgery down there, it’s perfectly possible that he’d struggle to get it up for a long time after that.

Does that mean he never really loved his wife or should be forced to confront the fact that he’s ’failing her’ once a week?

I really think that the OP needs to understand that recovery from childbirth (physically, hormonally, mentally) is a long term process - measured in months and years.

Now is the time he should be laying a foundation for their future happiness. If he continues to force the issue then he is likely to make himself unattractive in her eyes and things will never improve.

I’m not saying there is anything wrong in wanting to have sex with your partner or bringing this desire up in conversation. I just think that right now is a time for empathy.

If in 2-3 years time you’re still having the same issues then it might be time to think about the counselling and consider if perhaps you’re no longer compatible as a couple.

[Bill]

It's just the usual SWT bullst. It takes two to tango, and after a day of dealing with toddlers she's knackered and the last thing she wants is a fumble with a petulant man-child.

[lord trumpton]

Bill said:

It's just the usual SWT bullst. It takes two to tango, and after a day of dealing with toddlers she's knackered and the last thing she wants is a fumble with a petulant man-child.

And to add to this....

That tiredness and wearing feeling from carrying kids for 8 months, thr birth pain and trauma, the hormone imbalance as her body returns to pre pregnancy state, the lack of sleep, the cost etc etc.....All that stems from sex. The very act that our OP wants to start up again.

Not a chance just yet. OP you need to chill on that front as you're not banking any good will.

[andy_s]

That's why the French have a good system of taking a younger mistress once the matriarch no longer has the desire to re-re-procreate. When monogamy becomes celibacy perhaps it's time to have a chat, explain that it doesn't alter the relationship but you want to do some one-on-one physical activity with someone else, like if you wanted to play Squash but your partner doesn't ['you can't force people to like mackerel'], no one minds in that case if you play with someone else for an hour or two... The objection that it's somehow sacred between a couple sort of disappears if one of the partners isn't engaged, doesn't it...

[BoRED S2upid]

andy_s said:

That's why the French have a good system of taking a younger mistress once the matriarch no longer has the desire to re-re-procreate. When monogamy becomes celibacy perhaps it's time to have a chat, explain that it doesn't alter the relationship but you want to do some one-on-one physical activity with someone else, like if you wanted to play Squash but your partner doesn't ['you can't force people to like mackerel'], no one minds in that case if you play with someone else for an hour or two... The objection that it's somehow sacred between a couple sort of disappears if one of the partners isn't engaged, doesn't it...

He should do this using these words and post back how that goes down. Nothing to loose hey.

[audikarma]

Joey Deacon said:

Part of me would say the sex on tap in the early days was to land you, and now she has the house, two children and marriage she doesn't have to bait that hook anymore.

Which then leads on the scary thought that you were never the first option anyway and she only married the man to get the lifestyle she wanted.

You have a very bitter, skewed and unhealthy view of women.

Every single thread that comes up around relationships, marriage, divorce, dating… I see your posts. And they’re always along the same lines, that women are only out to take advantage and screw over men. To obtain something from a man before casting him aside in a calculated manner.

It’s like you don’t see women as individuals with personalities, feelings and complexity. You just see them as walking manipulators whose sole purpose in life is looking to ‘hook’ a man with the intention of material gain, and also the intention to either cheat or divorce them later.

It’s a very sad, basic and quite incel-y view.

[CraigNewmarket]

King David said:

Or, just possibly, it means that the experience of childbirth has changed then fundamentally. Nothing nefarious or manipulative, just a simple, innocent change.

If someone’s husband had an illness of the nether regions that resulted in 9 months of hormonal imbalance and then major trauma/surgery down there, it’s perfectly possible that he’d struggle to get it up for a long time after that.

Does that mean he never really loved his wife or should be forced to confront the fact that he’s ’failing her’ once a week?

I really think that the OP needs to understand that recovery from childbirth (physically, hormonally, mentally) is a long term process - measured in months and years.

Now is the time he should be laying a foundation for their future happiness. If he continues to force the issue then he is likely to make himself unattractive in her eyes and things will never improve.

I’m not saying there is anything wrong in wanting to have sex with your partner or bringing this desire up in conversation. I just think that right now is a time for empathy.

If in 2-3 years time you’re still having the same issues then it might be time to think about the counselling and consider if perhaps you’re no longer compatible as a couple.

It just makes me feel probably wrongly if she isn't putting effort in why should I. If we were dating we would have broken up by now. If my partner felt the same way I do now and I could fix it I would.

She never asks how I am or how I'm feeling.

Any attempts to be flirty or cheeky just gets knocked back or ignored. It wouldn't bother me as much if she said something like I know it crap now but it won't be forever but I get nothing. Just feel like I'm not getting any younger and life's just passing me by and I'm spending it been unhappy and the only option is to cling on and hope things improve.

[Phil.]

CraigNewmarket said:

It just makes me feel probably wrongly if she isn't putting effort in why should I. If we were dating we would have broken up by now. If my partner felt the same way I do now and I could fix it I would.

She never asks how I am or how I'm feeling.

Any attempts to be flirty or cheeky just gets knocked back or ignored. It wouldn't bother me as much if she said something like I know it crap now but it won't be forever but I get nothing. Just feel like I'm not getting any younger and life's just passing me by and I'm spending it been unhappy and the only option is to cling on and hope things improve.

You really don’t get it do you. You’re so bad I’m beginning to think you are trolling.

Your partner is presently fked by the combination of pregnancy, birth, new child and hormones. She needs your support not your criticism or demands, and this support needs to be given unconditionally. You’re doing the opposite and nothing will change until you do.

The other reason she’s ignoring you is because if you get a sniff of interest from her she knows you’ll be all over her begging for sex. That’s your doing not hers.

You’ve received some excellent advice on here but continue to ignore it. Either you’re trolling or need to be single.

[king arthur]

redrabbit29 said:

samdy said:

I cringe every time I open this thread.

OP is just a whiny needy third child, it's no wonder his missus won't sleep with him.

You can't negotiate desire. Either she's attracted to you or she's not. I think you know which way it is at the moment.

Who pissed on your chips and made you want to act like an insensitive prick?

It may have been put insensitively but it's not wrong.

The OP comes across as needy and insecure. He even admits to being insecure in the first post.

It may take a long time for some of us men to learn this but over the years you do learn, that women have a sixth sense. They can smell desperation and insecurity a mile away and it turns them right off.

Try going on a first date with a girl and acting insecure and desperate for sex. You won't get a second one. So why should acting like that get you anywhere just because you're now married to her and had kids with her?

OP, what you have to do is be the man she was attracted to in the first place. There must have been something about you then, that she doesn't see now and it's turning her off. Trust me, if she was turned on she would be wanting sex, kids and hormones notwithstanding.

Stop pleading her for sex or intimacy. Just get on with the rest of your life, do the things a man should do, focus on yourself, your kids, your job, your hobbies, help her out of course but don't expect anything back - don't make it seem as though you're only doing things to get some reward from her.

When she sees the man you're supposed to be instead of a needy man child, the sex will return.

Or if it doesn't, have an affair.

[Mont Blanc]

CraigNewmarket said:

It just makes me feel probably wrongly if she isn't putting effort in why should I. If we were dating we would have broken up by now. If my partner felt the same way I do now and I could fix it I would.

She never asks how I am or how I'm feeling.

Any attempts to be flirty or cheeky just gets knocked back or ignored. It wouldn't bother me as much if she said something like I know it crap now but it won't be forever but I get nothing. Just feel like I'm not getting any younger and life's just passing me by and I'm spending it been unhappy and the only option is to cling on and hope things improve.

I have read this thread and I am exasperated by your views, as are other posters.

You have to understand that right now, when you flirt with her, touch her, or suggest sex, she will see it as yet another thing that someone wants from her, and right now she is inundated with kids and everything else in life wanting something from her, which I am sure you are aware is utterly exhausting.

I don’t know why you can’t accept this or understand it.