Death and bereavement
Discussion
smifffymoto said:
Today is s
t.
Every time I go in the kitchen and prepare lunch I turn around and see her sat at the table waiting for me to take her her sandwich. Then it happens,I hear her complain about the pain in her head,then I see her slump and fall off the chair,never to return home.
From that moment she didn't regain consiousness and that was it,6 days later they took her off life support.
I didn't get to say good bye,I didn't get to give her one last kiss and tell her I loved her.From then on she didn't hear my words or feel my touch.I smell her pyjamas to remember what she smelt like but now they just smell of washing powder,or is that her smell. I just don't know.
This is somehow a release,blatherring on to random blokes on an internet forum.
Thanks for listening so far.
Keep talking, we're listening and hope that in some way this helps you.t.Every time I go in the kitchen and prepare lunch I turn around and see her sat at the table waiting for me to take her her sandwich. Then it happens,I hear her complain about the pain in her head,then I see her slump and fall off the chair,never to return home.
From that moment she didn't regain consiousness and that was it,6 days later they took her off life support.
I didn't get to say good bye,I didn't get to give her one last kiss and tell her I loved her.From then on she didn't hear my words or feel my touch.I smell her pyjamas to remember what she smelt like but now they just smell of washing powder,or is that her smell. I just don't know.
This is somehow a release,blatherring on to random blokes on an internet forum.
Thanks for listening so far.
Rushjob said:
smifffymoto said:
Today is st.
Every time I go in the kitchen and prepare lunch I turn around and see her sat at the table waiting for me to take her her sandwich. Then it happens,I hear her complain about the pain in her head,then I see her slump and fall off the chair,never to return home.
From that moment she didn't regain consiousness and that was it,6 days later they took her off life support.
I didn't get to say good bye,I didn't get to give her one last kiss and tell her I loved her.From then on she didn't hear my words or feel my touch.I smell her pyjamas to remember what she smelt like but now they just smell of washing powder,or is that her smell. I just don't know.
This is somehow a release,blatherring on to random blokes on an internet forum.
Thanks for listening so far.
Keep talking, we're listening and hope that in some way this helps you.t.Every time I go in the kitchen and prepare lunch I turn around and see her sat at the table waiting for me to take her her sandwich. Then it happens,I hear her complain about the pain in her head,then I see her slump and fall off the chair,never to return home.
From that moment she didn't regain consiousness and that was it,6 days later they took her off life support.
I didn't get to say good bye,I didn't get to give her one last kiss and tell her I loved her.From then on she didn't hear my words or feel my touch.I smell her pyjamas to remember what she smelt like but now they just smell of washing powder,or is that her smell. I just don't know.
This is somehow a release,blatherring on to random blokes on an internet forum.
Thanks for listening so far.
Edited by Kerniki on Wednesday 4th October 15:35
Very sorry for your loss OP - the all-consuming feeling of pain will ease, it's ok to be angry and upset and laugh and everything in-between. But you can look forward to good times again, yes - it wont be the same, but it's also important that two lives didn't get lost that day.
You mention children and a wider family, there is much to look forward to - no matter how dark out it seems now.
I'm SW London, so depending on where you're moving back to - happy to chat over a beer or coffee. Take care of yourself.
You mention children and a wider family, there is much to look forward to - no matter how dark out it seems now.
I'm SW London, so depending on where you're moving back to - happy to chat over a beer or coffee. Take care of yourself.
Sorry for your loss.
One thing to note is that everyone processes the loss of a loved one differently.
It is a process, a journey. The acknowledgement and acceptance of the situation are the hardest steps on that journey for some to deal with.
I lost both parents by the time i was 35 , still get upset about it almost 20 years later, but in an emotionally manageable way. All i can advise is to seek the help of a grief or bereavement counsellor. Helped me enormously.
One thing to note is that everyone processes the loss of a loved one differently.
It is a process, a journey. The acknowledgement and acceptance of the situation are the hardest steps on that journey for some to deal with.
I lost both parents by the time i was 35 , still get upset about it almost 20 years later, but in an emotionally manageable way. All i can advise is to seek the help of a grief or bereavement counsellor. Helped me enormously.
I didn't want to read and not reply. A truly difficult period to go through and not one I have any experience of. Your shared experience has given me three thoughts
1) it is good to talk and it's great you have posted here as an outlet to help lift the burden of grief
2) I need to cherish the close ones in my life more as this is around one of the corners of our lives for all of us in some shape or form
3) although perhaps close relatives or friends might not respond (or know how to) in the way you'd expect, leaving you perhaps feeling even more alone, there is a sea of people out there who do care and are interested in your well being (the people in this thread!)
Good luck with the big move, a stressful event in itself. Is there anything you can look forward to with the move and is there anyone you can farm out logistical work of packing etc to lift stresses from you and the kids.
For what it is worth your view on the FiL is correct in my eyes and you most definitely should not take on the burden of that problem when your own plate is full itself.
1) it is good to talk and it's great you have posted here as an outlet to help lift the burden of grief
2) I need to cherish the close ones in my life more as this is around one of the corners of our lives for all of us in some shape or form
3) although perhaps close relatives or friends might not respond (or know how to) in the way you'd expect, leaving you perhaps feeling even more alone, there is a sea of people out there who do care and are interested in your well being (the people in this thread!)
Good luck with the big move, a stressful event in itself. Is there anything you can look forward to with the move and is there anyone you can farm out logistical work of packing etc to lift stresses from you and the kids.
For what it is worth your view on the FiL is correct in my eyes and you most definitely should not take on the burden of that problem when your own plate is full itself.
Kerniki said:
What was she like? if its not too hard..
Kind,compassionate,loving,generous,everything you would want in a wife and partner.We met when we were 18,she was my first girlfriend,I was her first proper boyfriend.
Our first “date” was watching 9 1/2 weeks at one of her friends houses,we met the following morning and we have been together since then.
smifffymoto said:
Our first “date” was watching 9 1/2 weeks at one of her friends houses,we met the following morning and we have been together since then.
fking hell that's one first date movie-if nothing else you've got to be in a minority for that alone! Sorry for the attempt at humour, sometimes all you need is a bit of crack. oldaudi you need to talk to someone, I'm loathed to buy into the "just talk" movement but sometimes people really do need to and it sounds like you haven't much of a support network.
For all that video I posted helped me when I fist lost my mate I did go and speak to my local vicar-luckily he's a mate so I didn't need to go all church etc. To be fair he didn't have much to offer as I remember it but just spouting s
te while blubbing like a child did help when I needed it most.We're all different, another mate's wife died and he just went out and found another within a year-different ways of coping I suppose-no right or wrong. Just find out whatever works for you (all).
smifffymoto said:
Kerniki said:
What was she like? if its not too hard..
Kind,compassionate,loving,generous,everything you would want in a wife and partner.We met when we were 18,she was my first girlfriend,I was her first proper boyfriend.
Our first “date” was watching 9 1/2 weeks at one of her friends houses,we met the following morning and we have been together since then.
we’re the same age by the sounds of it, had same journey and around the same time judging by your film, we were teens, she has the same rare qualities, the better half of us two thats for sure! and the one that made me see the light..How lucky you were to find her then Smiffy… that just makes this part harder though eh
harder than few will understand, relationships like that are made of something different, women like them are different, we spend our time trying to prove ourselves to them, in our eyes nothing we do is ever enough to prove how much they mean to us but they see it, they see things in us that others dont.You’ve lost who made you complete, feeling like she was stolen from you, it would make me angry to, i hope you deal with anger better than me!
My wife and her father share some characteristics but i’m not sure i’d want those around me were she not around, dont know, maybe seeing some of her traits would be comforting, then again..
Can you get some time to yourself or is he in need of constant care? mindless exercise can help with anger, could be cathartic if you can get some time to yourself.
Edited by Kerniki on Wednesday 4th October 22:17
smifffymoto said:
Today is st.
Every time I go in the kitchen and prepare lunch I turn around and see her sat at the table waiting for me to take her her sandwich. Then it happens,I hear her complain about the pain in her head,then I see her slump and fall off the chair,never to return home.
From that moment she didn't regain consiousness and that was it,6 days later they took her off life support.
I didn't get to say good bye,I didn't get to give her one last kiss and tell her I loved her.From then on she didn't hear my words or feel my touch.I smell her pyjamas to remember what she smelt like but now they just smell of washing powder,or is that her smell. I just don't know.
This is somehow a release,blatherring on to random blokes on an internet forum.
Thanks for listening so far.
Keep blathering away all you want smiffy , I cannot imagine how devastating it must be . You'll get a lot of support from PHers t.Every time I go in the kitchen and prepare lunch I turn around and see her sat at the table waiting for me to take her her sandwich. Then it happens,I hear her complain about the pain in her head,then I see her slump and fall off the chair,never to return home.
From that moment she didn't regain consiousness and that was it,6 days later they took her off life support.
I didn't get to say good bye,I didn't get to give her one last kiss and tell her I loved her.From then on she didn't hear my words or feel my touch.I smell her pyjamas to remember what she smelt like but now they just smell of washing powder,or is that her smell. I just don't know.
This is somehow a release,blatherring on to random blokes on an internet forum.
Thanks for listening so far.
dundarach said:
My dad died 32 years ago, mum 4. Only yesterday I jumped in the car and thought, 'Oh passing mums I'll nip in'.
A friend of mine was with her mum when she died in hospital, and when she got home, she tried to phone her mum to tell her the news!!! Like "you'll never guess who's died". She actually laughed about it, and knew her mum would have found it funny.That's probably the best way when stuff like that happens. If you're mum was still around, and you told her you thought about popping in to see someone else who died 4 years ago, she probably would have said "you silly sod".
I went in the wardrobe this morning for a clean t-shirt,my shelves 1 side ,her hanging space the other.
A quick look through and there were some clothes we bought for her birthday,still with the shop tags on from Koh Tao in Thailand.She hadn't found the right occasion to wear them,now they won't be. I haven't moved a thing of hers,her dirty washing still sits in the laundry basket in the corner of our bedroom,my laundry gets dumped on the floor next to it.
We have decided when the time comes,to get all her clothes made into quilts.That way the clothes aren't just binned and we get to keep her favourite items,plus quilting was one of her hobbies.
Like many have said ,this is going to be a long process. A process I'm finding very lonely and very emotional.
Today is market day so I took the dog out and had a coffee at our regular spot,I teared up as it brings back so many memories,the lady in the shop opposite gave me a knowing nod and the "you poor thing " look.
At least when I take the dog,people ask about her rather than me.
A quick look through and there were some clothes we bought for her birthday,still with the shop tags on from Koh Tao in Thailand.She hadn't found the right occasion to wear them,now they won't be. I haven't moved a thing of hers,her dirty washing still sits in the laundry basket in the corner of our bedroom,my laundry gets dumped on the floor next to it.
We have decided when the time comes,to get all her clothes made into quilts.That way the clothes aren't just binned and we get to keep her favourite items,plus quilting was one of her hobbies.
Like many have said ,this is going to be a long process. A process I'm finding very lonely and very emotional.
Today is market day so I took the dog out and had a coffee at our regular spot,I teared up as it brings back so many memories,the lady in the shop opposite gave me a knowing nod and the "you poor thing " look.
At least when I take the dog,people ask about her rather than me.
Sniffy,
So sorry to hear your news.
Unfortunately I’m in a similar position, my wife died of cancer in early August, aged 54.
As others gave said, it’s like losing a limb. She was part of of me and vice-Versa.
Like you, I’m now responsible for everything as well as trying to keep my two adult children “on track” (24 & 18).
My youngest has just gone to Uni and my eldest has his own house, so I’m kinda home-alone.
Recent weeks have been full of work and dealing with her estate.
I thought I was making progress, but last night after spin class I just started crying, for what felt no reason.
I have her ashes at home, so gave them a hug.
I’m the same this morning, no clue what has triggered me?
So sorry to hear your news.
Unfortunately I’m in a similar position, my wife died of cancer in early August, aged 54.
As others gave said, it’s like losing a limb. She was part of of me and vice-Versa.
Like you, I’m now responsible for everything as well as trying to keep my two adult children “on track” (24 & 18).
My youngest has just gone to Uni and my eldest has his own house, so I’m kinda home-alone.
Recent weeks have been full of work and dealing with her estate.
I thought I was making progress, but last night after spin class I just started crying, for what felt no reason.
I have her ashes at home, so gave them a hug.
I’m the same this morning, no clue what has triggered me?
Hi Smiffy - Very sorry for your loss. I know you have heard those words time and time again in the past few weeks. Sad to say I am in the same situation, my wife passed due to multiple organ failure as a result of leukaemia back in July. She was having treatment and went to the hospital on the Monday morning, only to be kept in. 2 weeks later they switched off the life support.
I find the loneliness the hardest - and the need to warn to share. I am probably the second worst golfer you could imagine, but the other week I hit nearest the pin - about 8 inches after a 135 yd shot. My first thought was "Oh wow, I can't wait to tell (Mrs Fer)"... then remembered that she's gone. My round fell apart and I sat in the car and cried on the way home.
I find that it's the little things that trigger me. Not having someone to tell "Guess what I saw today" when I get in... I have a son who has just bought his 1st house and the wife would have been so excited. Now I just have the stream of firsts without her - first anniversary coming up, then christmas and her birthday... Each one so very painful to consider.
From your film reference you're a little younger than me - but it doesn't make it any easier - the loss stings every day. I am hoping that things will get easier with time, and keep trying to convince myself that millions of people deal with the loss of a partner and go one every day, but that doesn't help, at least not so far! I still find myself getting angry about things, and am desperately trying to keep myself occupied to stop the trauma of an empty house from getting to me. I have found myself leaving lights and radios on, so that I don't feel so lost and alone.
Good luck with the move - and there are a lot of wise people on PH who have experience and advice that can help. Not saying I am one of them, but if you never need to chat - just shout.
I find the loneliness the hardest - and the need to warn to share. I am probably the second worst golfer you could imagine, but the other week I hit nearest the pin - about 8 inches after a 135 yd shot. My first thought was "Oh wow, I can't wait to tell (Mrs Fer)"... then remembered that she's gone. My round fell apart and I sat in the car and cried on the way home.
I find that it's the little things that trigger me. Not having someone to tell "Guess what I saw today" when I get in... I have a son who has just bought his 1st house and the wife would have been so excited. Now I just have the stream of firsts without her - first anniversary coming up, then christmas and her birthday... Each one so very painful to consider.
From your film reference you're a little younger than me - but it doesn't make it any easier - the loss stings every day. I am hoping that things will get easier with time, and keep trying to convince myself that millions of people deal with the loss of a partner and go one every day, but that doesn't help, at least not so far! I still find myself getting angry about things, and am desperately trying to keep myself occupied to stop the trauma of an empty house from getting to me. I have found myself leaving lights and radios on, so that I don't feel so lost and alone.
Good luck with the move - and there are a lot of wise people on PH who have experience and advice that can help. Not saying I am one of them, but if you never need to chat - just shout.
You’re right,it will get better.
I feel sorry for our daughter,she entered Uni during lockdown,second year a house mate tried to commit suicide and third year had a house mate from hell.
Mrs S had planned a girly weekend away and she would have her graduation ceremony on the Monday. We were very proud parents,neither Mrs S or I went to Uni.
Mrs S went into hospital the Thursday before. Our daughter never got to her graduation and her certificate languishes in the filing cabinet. She had planned to go travelling in September but that’s now a distant dream on the tide of emotion.She will go,we just don’t know when.
Stay strong my fellow widowers,we will get through it.
I feel sorry for our daughter,she entered Uni during lockdown,second year a house mate tried to commit suicide and third year had a house mate from hell.
Mrs S had planned a girly weekend away and she would have her graduation ceremony on the Monday. We were very proud parents,neither Mrs S or I went to Uni.
Mrs S went into hospital the Thursday before. Our daughter never got to her graduation and her certificate languishes in the filing cabinet. She had planned to go travelling in September but that’s now a distant dream on the tide of emotion.She will go,we just don’t know when.
Stay strong my fellow widowers,we will get through it.
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