Death and bereavement

[heisthegaffer]

Bill said:

Bloody hell it's suddenly got dusty here.

Smiffy, oldaudi, Polly, wobert, fer: you have my heartfelt condolences. Don't be afraid to let off steam here, it's a cliche and we've never met but we're all (anonymous) friends here.

Hear, hear

[Bobtherallyfan]

Bit late to this thread but I have a lot of experience with this sort of grief. I lost my wife in an unexplained car accident 30 years ago….she was the absolute love of my life and always will be, even though I have since met and married another lovely lady. Grief can hit you at any time in the day…silly little things can trigger memories that were buried in your subconscious. All I can say to the OP is that you will get though it, honestly…..it’s long and it’s hard but concentrate on the good things if you can…try to honour your wife’s life by being the best person you can be. Don’t ever be afraid to talk to someone….hopefully you have some good friends who will help you.

Best of luck.

[Fer]

Polly Grigora said:

The hurting hits time and time again until one day it eases and becomes bearable

I really hope so. Not seeing it at the moment - too many "the last time we were here..." moments, or wanting to tell her something, forgetting that she's not here to hear anymore.

Polly Grigora said:

Everyone going through this hell appreciates your thoughts

Thank you

Yes, I agree 100%. The support from people here has helped me immeasurably - even if it's just to know that I am not alone in my feelings.

[wobert]

9 weeks today for me.

During the week, I look forward to the weekend.

When I get to the weekend, I’m reminded of the “anniversary” of her loss and I’m saddened.

Tonight I was with the in-laws for a brief visit / check on how they are.

At 1915 my mind wandered, that is the time she passed in my arms.

I’m not upset tonight, just reflective on what went before and how much it meant to me.

Now I have to move forward, not to forget (that will never happen), but to come to terms with my loss and how she shaped me as a person.

In that respect she lives on….

[Fer]

Polly Grigora said:

Go steady Fer and all others, time is everything.....In my thoughts

Hi PG - Tried to email you but wasn't allowed. Just wanted to say a tearful thank you for your time taken to reply. It helps to know I am not alone, even if I feel that I am sometimes.

[itcaptainslow]

Like others, I didn’t want to read this and not reply, even though I’ve nothing really to add other than my best wishes to everyone, and that my thoughts are with you.

This thread has brought out the best side to PH. No horribleness or unpleasantries, just people being decent and supportive to each other. The world needs more of this than ever before.

[paulguitar]

I also send my best wishes and support to everyone here. Please know that you are not alone. And it's an old cliche, but things WILL get easier. Thinks will not be 'okay', things will be different. But, the rawness does subside.

[crankedup5]

I would like to add my condolences to smiffy and all others suffering bereavement.
In my own situation a colleague said to me ‘ that you will never get over your loss but you will learn to live with it’ The following forty years I found those words true, wise and comforting, as individuals we all have our own coping mechanisms, they sometimes take time to find.

[paul.deitch]

My condolences too. I lost my beloved grandfather in 1982 and I still miss that rock in my life.

[Bannock]

I'm so sorry, smifffy. I have nursed my wife through cancer twice, and it's always there at the back of the mind, what if it's back somewhere and she doesn't know? What a heartbreak for you, my condolences just don't seem quite enough. I lost a parent suddenly when I was a child, that was my biggest hit so far in life, but losing a partner is a different matter.

I have a really good mate, been close since we were 13 and that's 40 years now, his wife is living with terminal cancer, and he's just gone off the radar. Can't get him to respond to messages (I know he's read them on WhatsApp), not answering the phone, last I heard form him he was just stuck in the mindset that nobody wants hi around any more. And it just isn't true. and I know he's tried to take his own life once already. I just don't know what to do about him. What do you think would help? Any perspective you can offer might help.

[Smint]

My big loss was my eldest son, some 20 years ago now but it only takes something small to reduce me to an emotional wreck when it all comes flooding back.
Time does heal, but never does the pain go fully away and nor should it, they were part of you.

I think it helps to remember the good and fun side of your loved one's life, the fun you had together, the daft things they said and did, their peculiarities faults and foibles as well as their many good points, thats probably the Irish side of me as a funeral often becomes a wake where we celebrate their life as if they were still there with us, try it.

Remember the good times, be thankful for the precious years you had together.

[Smint]

Bannock said:

I'm so sorry, smifffy. I have nursed my wife through cancer twice, and it's always there at the back of the mind, what if it's back somewhere and she doesn't know? What a heartbreak for you, my condolences just don't seem quite enough. I lost a parent suddenly when I was a child, that was my biggest hit so far in life, but losing a partner is a different matter.

I have a really good mate, been close since we were 13 and that's 40 years now, his wife is living with terminal cancer, and he's just gone off the radar. Can't get him to respond to messages (I know he's read them on WhatsApp), not answering the phone, last I heard form him he was just stuck in the mindset that nobody wants hi around any more. And it just isn't true. and I know he's tried to take his own life once already. I just don't know what to do about him. What do you think would help? Any perspective you can offer might help.

My tuppence.
Go and see him, and his wife if she's still living at the house, take a couple of beers if you enjoyed a beer together.
He probably doesn't want to talk either by message or phone and maybe not in person, knock on the door tell him what he and his wife mean to you and others and then sit with him in companionable silence if needs be, shake his hand comfort him if he needs to cry or vent anger and be the friend he needs but maybe doesn't know it.

[ClaphamGT3]

There is no blue print for this but triangulation experiences and coping strategies can help.

One of my brothers died 39 years ago at the age of 21. I can honestly say that not a single day has passed when I haven't thought of him and missed him.

For me, it doesn't do to dwell on what might have been; to think what his life might have been like, what he might have achieved, the triumphs and disasters that would have defined him.

Making friends with the memory - the spirit if you will - of his personality is helpful and reassuring - to think of the advice he'd give, the joke he'd crack, the opinion he would have on a particular topic. This makes him seem more alive than dwelling on the memories of his life.

As time goes by and the friends and family who peopled his life move on it seems increasingly important that he is not forgotten. My mother is dead, my father is 92, all our grandparents, uncles and aunts are gone. Soon enough my three remaining brothers and I will be the only people who will remember that he ever lived. Perversely this makes it more important to keep the connection with his spirit alive and vivid.

A bit of a ramble I'm afraid but, who knows, there may be something in there that's useful...

[Countdown]

And Think of her as living
In the hearts of those she touched
For nothing loved is ever lost
And she was loved so much

[Slyjoe]

Countdown said:

And Think of her as living
In the hearts of those she touched
For nothing loved is ever lost
And she was loved so much

This touched me, so much.
I lost my wife and my dad in the space of a month, two years ago.
I'm living life vicariously, each day, but it still hurts every day.
A little less every day, but music is the big thing that gets me, every time, every day.

[smifffymoto]

When you said music,I immediately thought of Simon Bates ‘Our tunes’.

It made me chuckle and smile bringing back memories,good memories of Mrs S. Taking solace someboby else was deeper in the st than us at that time and we would soldier on with the ignorance of youth.

Today,someone is having a tougher time than Me and I haven’t got much to winge about. Pull up my socks and get on with it. In between the weeps,little bouts of tears and happy memories.

Edited by smifffymoto on Wednesday 11th October 06:41

[Rushjob]

I have a mental video of my Dad.

Blackpool beach, I'd be 10 or 11 at the time.

Dad might have had a couple of cheeky beers

Dad was a gymnast in the Army

He decided to show me how he could walk on his hands

The sand was soft

Two "paces" and he face planted

Makes me smile every time I think of him, that's my default memory "video" of him

Works for me.

[Smint]

I use lots of expressions in fond jest that my dad was known for, still miss the stubborn but infinitely kind and honourable bugger every day and he's been gone some 35 years.
They never die in your heart.

[Bannock]

Smint said:

Bannock said:

I'm so sorry, smifffy. I have nursed my wife through cancer twice, and it's always there at the back of the mind, what if it's back somewhere and she doesn't know? What a heartbreak for you, my condolences just don't seem quite enough. I lost a parent suddenly when I was a child, that was my biggest hit so far in life, but losing a partner is a different matter.

I have a really good mate, been close since we were 13 and that's 40 years now, his wife is living with terminal cancer, and he's just gone off the radar. Can't get him to respond to messages (I know he's read them on WhatsApp), not answering the phone, last I heard form him he was just stuck in the mindset that nobody wants hi around any more. And it just isn't true. and I know he's tried to take his own life once already. I just don't know what to do about him. What do you think would help? Any perspective you can offer might help.

My tuppence.
Go and see him, and his wife if she's still living at the house, take a couple of beers if you enjoyed a beer together.
He probably doesn't want to talk either by message or phone and maybe not in person, knock on the door tell him what he and his wife mean to you and others and then sit with him in companionable silence if needs be, shake his hand comfort him if he needs to cry or vent anger and be the friend he needs but maybe doesn't know it.

Thanks. I'll consider that.

[Fer]

Hi OP,

Just checking in to see how you're doing. Hopefully you're like me and find such intrusions a positive reinforcement that people care, even if it's only some fat bloke off the internet.

It's easy to feel alone and abandoned... I find this even worse now the weather has turned cold and I am returning to a dark, cold, empty house, but try to keep strong, I am sure that my wife wouldn't want me to wallow in depression - I can almost hear her kicking my arse.