Death and bereavement
Discussion
One thing that always worries me with death and grief is that for every death we experience we tend to move closer to our turn.
My dad was killed in a motorcycle accident in 2005. I’m now older than him when he died.
I had to look after his elderly parents/my grand parents who never recovered. Their final few years were horrendous, both in the same home , separated by a wall and neither knowing where they were or the other one was.
My wife passed away as explained in another thread,
I’m now the oldest in the family with my surname. You spend decades looking up to more senior experienced family members and then before you know it, you’re the head of the family. Im next!
My dad was killed in a motorcycle accident in 2005. I’m now older than him when he died.
I had to look after his elderly parents/my grand parents who never recovered. Their final few years were horrendous, both in the same home , separated by a wall and neither knowing where they were or the other one was.
My wife passed away as explained in another thread,
I’m now the oldest in the family with my surname. You spend decades looking up to more senior experienced family members and then before you know it, you’re the head of the family. Im next!
Sorry, me again.
It's the firsts that hurt, and not the ones I expected. I have survived the first wedding anniversary, first christmas, and her first birthday away from me, but it's the stupid ones that I never expected. The first time having to buy bedding without a "sane mind" to temper my choice, the first time ironing a shirt for myself, or sewing a button on. The past few days have been brutal, as it's been my first illness as a single person. All the times I would have been able to have her drive me to the doctors, or go collect the tablets from the chemist, but sadly life goes on, and I am having to get off my bed to feed the cats and try and continue.
Having hardly slept for the past 5 nights I have had too much time to think about the emptiness that stretches away from me. Thankfully I am on the menc,
Not sure I will ever get used to being a Me, and not a We - I am just not cut out for it after almost 30 years of marriage.
It's the firsts that hurt, and not the ones I expected. I have survived the first wedding anniversary, first christmas, and her first birthday away from me, but it's the stupid ones that I never expected. The first time having to buy bedding without a "sane mind" to temper my choice, the first time ironing a shirt for myself, or sewing a button on. The past few days have been brutal, as it's been my first illness as a single person. All the times I would have been able to have her drive me to the doctors, or go collect the tablets from the chemist, but sadly life goes on, and I am having to get off my bed to feed the cats and try and continue.
Having hardly slept for the past 5 nights I have had too much time to think about the emptiness that stretches away from me. Thankfully I am on the menc,
Not sure I will ever get used to being a Me, and not a We - I am just not cut out for it after almost 30 years of marriage.
t time recently, my daughter finally left to go traveling and my son who has various difficulties couldn’t cope the last week.Fer, Smiffy,
So sorry to hear your latest updates.
I find it hits you at the most unexpected times and since you’re playing both “mother & father”, it’s seems relentless.
We all suffered similar loss around the same time, and for each of us, life continues on at varying rates of progression.
Don’t beat yourselves up over it, you’re still in “survival” mode and finding your route, to move forward.
Although both my children are adults, 24 & 19, they have coped with losing their mother admirably and have supported me in their own way.
On a similar note…
My daughter decided on an impromptu short break to Egypt last week and I was on tenterhooks all the time she was there.
My son is trying to remortgage his house and buy his “shared equity” out, so that needs consideration and guidance.
I’m grateful that they want to involve me in their lives and can I can provide support to them.
Take small steps and perhaps the path will become less testing…wishing you both the best.
So sorry to hear your latest updates.
I find it hits you at the most unexpected times and since you’re playing both “mother & father”, it’s seems relentless.
We all suffered similar loss around the same time, and for each of us, life continues on at varying rates of progression.
Don’t beat yourselves up over it, you’re still in “survival” mode and finding your route, to move forward.
Although both my children are adults, 24 & 19, they have coped with losing their mother admirably and have supported me in their own way.
On a similar note…
My daughter decided on an impromptu short break to Egypt last week and I was on tenterhooks all the time she was there.
My son is trying to remortgage his house and buy his “shared equity” out, so that needs consideration and guidance.
I’m grateful that they want to involve me in their lives and can I can provide support to them.
Take small steps and perhaps the path will become less testing…wishing you both the best.
wobert said:
My daughter decided on an impromptu short break to Egypt last week and I was on tenterhooks all the time she was there.
Believe me, this isn't unique to widowers and it doesn't get easier with age. My eldest son is 28 and travels abroad a lot for work. He loves it and I'm happy he's happy, but I worry about the flights, I worry about him wandering around in strange cities, I worry about him getting food poisoning from eating a fried scorpion off a street vendor, I worry about everything. I'm so happy when he lands back at Heathrow! Pathetic, I know.
Anyway, don't beat yourself up about it. If I live another 22 years, and my son is 50, I know I'll be the same. He'll always be my little boy, even when our roles are fully reversed and he's taking me to the toilet and changing my trousers after I've had an accident.
usn90 said:
lost my best friend since childhood to suicide yesterday, I’m absolutely in bits, shocked to the core as I never even caught an inclination he wasn’t ok.
I feel guilty as sin, should have made more of an effort, should have sensed something was right.
Please, please do not disappear down that rabbit hole. I feel guilty as sin, should have made more of an effort, should have sensed something was right.
You were not to know, you are not to blame and hindsight, as they say, is a very accurate science.
Whilst I offer my condolences to you for the loss of a friend, I must also comment that in a way, suicide can be quite a selfish act as the one who dies leaves the rest of their friends and family unable to do anything to prevent it once they have carried out the act.
In effect, they sentence everyone left behind to a life sentence of " What if?? "
Rushjob said:
usn90 said:
lost my best friend since childhood to suicide yesterday, I’m absolutely in bits, shocked to the core as I never even caught an inclination he wasn’t ok.
I feel guilty as sin, should have made more of an effort, should have sensed something was right.
Please, please do not disappear down that rabbit hole. I feel guilty as sin, should have made more of an effort, should have sensed something was right.
You were not to know, you are not to blame and hindsight, as they say, is a very accurate science.
Whilst I offer my condolences to you for the loss of a friend, I must also comment that in a way, suicide can be quite a selfish act as the one who dies leaves the rest of their friends and family unable to do anything to prevent it once they have carried out the act.
In effect, they sentence everyone left behind to a life sentence of " What if?? "
Horrible thing to happen though.
A chap I worked and lived with committed suicide in the late 90s.
He overdosed with pills and alcohol and spent 4 days In hospital recovering. Me and another friend looked after him and he promised us not to tell him mum. We didn’t. He said it was an accident due to toothache. He swallowed lots of strong tablets , was a heavy whisky drinker and a combination of the two put him , by accident, in hospital.
Upon release he came back to our shared house and we carried on as normal. One Sunday he had informed me late morning that he was due to visit his mother for Sunday dinner that evening. By late afternoon he has still not left and I chased him out of the house to visit his elderly mother as she would’ve prepared dinner. Unknown to me he was drunk and upon leaving the house drove to a well known beauty spot in Bristol.
The next day his mum came to our house looking for him as he had not arrived at her house. We had no idea where he was until the police arrived to find the owner of his abandoned car.
He was found alive on the side of the cliff edge under the well known bridge, but died 2 days later in hospital. To this day, a good 25 years later I wonder what would’ve happened if I didn’t keep pestering him to go and visit his mum and more importantly if I had informed his mum of the overdose. She would’ve taken him home to look after him. I replay that afternoon clearly in my head as if it happened just a few hours ago, the weather, what he was wearing etc.
No idea why he did it.
I’ve had lot of grief over the years, I’ve got a death for every occasion.
He overdosed with pills and alcohol and spent 4 days In hospital recovering. Me and another friend looked after him and he promised us not to tell him mum. We didn’t. He said it was an accident due to toothache. He swallowed lots of strong tablets , was a heavy whisky drinker and a combination of the two put him , by accident, in hospital.
Upon release he came back to our shared house and we carried on as normal. One Sunday he had informed me late morning that he was due to visit his mother for Sunday dinner that evening. By late afternoon he has still not left and I chased him out of the house to visit his elderly mother as she would’ve prepared dinner. Unknown to me he was drunk and upon leaving the house drove to a well known beauty spot in Bristol.
The next day his mum came to our house looking for him as he had not arrived at her house. We had no idea where he was until the police arrived to find the owner of his abandoned car.
He was found alive on the side of the cliff edge under the well known bridge, but died 2 days later in hospital. To this day, a good 25 years later I wonder what would’ve happened if I didn’t keep pestering him to go and visit his mum and more importantly if I had informed his mum of the overdose. She would’ve taken him home to look after him. I replay that afternoon clearly in my head as if it happened just a few hours ago, the weather, what he was wearing etc.
No idea why he did it.
I’ve had lot of grief over the years, I’ve got a death for every occasion.
Edited by oldaudi on Thursday 7th March 07:19
I still can’t believe what has happened, each morning I wake up and realise it wasn’t just a bad dream, the previous couple of days I’d managed to hold things together enough, but todays been a few steps backwards, nothing in particular has happened to set me off)
I was told the circumstances in which he took his life (woods, rope) part of me wishes I wasn’t told, as I now can’t remove the scene in my head.
Not having him in my life is going to have a massive negative impact, I owe it to my family to not let this affect me as much as it’s currently doing.
I was told the circumstances in which he took his life (woods, rope) part of me wishes I wasn’t told, as I now can’t remove the scene in my head.
Not having him in my life is going to have a massive negative impact, I owe it to my family to not let this affect me as much as it’s currently doing.
usn90 said:
I still can’t believe what has happened, each morning I wake up and realise it wasn’t just a bad dream, the previous couple of days I’d managed to hold things together enough, but todays been a few steps backwards, nothing in particular has happened to set me off)
I was told the circumstances in which he took his life (woods, rope) part of me wishes I wasn’t told, as I now can’t remove the scene in my head.
Not having him in my life is going to have a massive negative impact, I owe it to my family to not let this affect me as much as it’s currently doing.
This might help, I have worked with hundreds of bereaved families over my working life, most through accidental deaths but many more through suicides. I was told the circumstances in which he took his life (woods, rope) part of me wishes I wasn’t told, as I now can’t remove the scene in my head.
Not having him in my life is going to have a massive negative impact, I owe it to my family to not let this affect me as much as it’s currently doing.
It is definitely not unusual to think of the deceased from time to time and you will, certainly in the near future, do so on a very regular basis as the loss is both recent and traumatic.
Try, when thinking about them, to programme yourself to remember them at a highly positive point in your joint lives.
I myself use, and have constantly counselled the use of the "funny video"
Think about a time when they really made you laugh.
Remember that time and the feelings it generates, the humour it invokes.
Now fix that video in your head.
Remember where you've put it, and each time you think of them, run that video instead of thinking of something with negative connotations.
Mine is my Dad, in his late 40's after a liquid lunch on holiday in Blackpool on the beach.
He decided to show me he still had the moves from when he was in the Regimental Gymnastic Display Team in the Army.
On very soft sand, after several beers, it's difficult to walk on your hands.........
That's my vid, hopefully you can find yours.
All the best, it will get better bit by bit.
oldaudi said:
You spend decades looking up to more senior experienced family members and then before you know it, you’re the head of the family. Im next!
I noticed this at Christmas.........at one time I was the youngest around the table of 8-10 people.This year I was the 2nd oldest of 8-10 people around the table.
Rushjob said:
usn90 said:
I still can’t believe what has happened, each morning I wake up and realise it wasn’t just a bad dream, the previous couple of days I’d managed to hold things together enough, but todays been a few steps backwards, nothing in particular has happened to set me off)
I was told the circumstances in which he took his life (woods, rope) part of me wishes I wasn’t told, as I now can’t remove the scene in my head.
Not having him in my life is going to have a massive negative impact, I owe it to my family to not let this affect me as much as it’s currently doing.
This might help, I have worked with hundreds of bereaved families over my working life, most through accidental deaths but many more through suicides. I was told the circumstances in which he took his life (woods, rope) part of me wishes I wasn’t told, as I now can’t remove the scene in my head.
Not having him in my life is going to have a massive negative impact, I owe it to my family to not let this affect me as much as it’s currently doing.
It is definitely not unusual to think of the deceased from time to time and you will, certainly in the near future, do so on a very regular basis as the loss is both recent and traumatic.
Try, when thinking about them, to programme yourself to remember them at a highly positive point in your joint lives.
I myself use, and have constantly counselled the use of the "funny video"
Think about a time when they really made you laugh.
Remember that time and the feelings it generates, the humour it invokes.
Now fix that video in your head.
Remember where you've put it, and each time you think of them, run that video instead of thinking of something with negative connotations.
Mine is my Dad, in his late 40's after a liquid lunch on holiday in Blackpool on the beach.
He decided to show me he still had the moves from when he was in the Regimental Gymnastic Display Team in the Army.
On very soft sand, after several beers, it's difficult to walk on your hands.........
That's my vid, hopefully you can find yours.
All the best, it will get better bit by bit.
Hi all,
I didn’t think I would be posting here. My friend and colleague passed away two weeks ago, she was only 30. When I was told the news I initially broke down but went back to work in auto pilot. Noticed I started pile more work in last week. Also noticed my sleep was so fragmented, appetite low and super moody. Since her passing, I have noticed I constantly keep reading our text messages.
Her funeral was on Tuesday and all I felt was utter guilt “like it should be me”.
In June, I was telling her about my diagnosis (Familial adenomatous polyposis) 3 years ago unbeknownst she had the same condition but far more aggressive and she didn’t have a family history.
Today, I attended a bereavement session through work. I finally realised, I’m identifying with the feelings of grief being talked about. When I started talking, I couldn’t hold anything in anymore.
I have taken next week off and going to take my time, starting with a walk tomorrow. Still debating if I will reach out the employee assistance helpline, but time will tell.
I didn’t think I would be posting here. My friend and colleague passed away two weeks ago, she was only 30. When I was told the news I initially broke down but went back to work in auto pilot. Noticed I started pile more work in last week. Also noticed my sleep was so fragmented, appetite low and super moody. Since her passing, I have noticed I constantly keep reading our text messages.
Her funeral was on Tuesday and all I felt was utter guilt “like it should be me”.
In June, I was telling her about my diagnosis (Familial adenomatous polyposis) 3 years ago unbeknownst she had the same condition but far more aggressive and she didn’t have a family history.
Today, I attended a bereavement session through work. I finally realised, I’m identifying with the feelings of grief being talked about. When I started talking, I couldn’t hold anything in anymore.
I have taken next week off and going to take my time, starting with a walk tomorrow. Still debating if I will reach out the employee assistance helpline, but time will tell.
Hi Smiffy. I've insomnia too. I am sorry to hear of what happened to Mrs S, I dont think there is anything I can say that comes close to what it is like. I can't understand.
I am glad to see you have been able to make some progress with yourself and have more positive days. Letting out your emotion and being heard even if it is on here, or crying (it's not something to be ashamed of its natural and helps us) is really good to see. The whole thing has been so traumatic for you including the flashback you describe. Trauma is not something to be underestimated!!! People don't realise. I hope you have considered professional help if you feel the need, which sounds like the session helped and could lead to more. Go at your own pace, you know yourself. You're allowed to feel good or bad but if you do what you can to help yourself and your kids then that is progress too
I am glad to see you have been able to make some progress with yourself and have more positive days. Letting out your emotion and being heard even if it is on here, or crying (it's not something to be ashamed of its natural and helps us) is really good to see. The whole thing has been so traumatic for you including the flashback you describe. Trauma is not something to be underestimated!!! People don't realise. I hope you have considered professional help if you feel the need, which sounds like the session helped and could lead to more. Go at your own pace, you know yourself. You're allowed to feel good or bad but if you do what you can to help yourself and your kids then that is progress too
Edited by White-Noise on Wednesday 10th April 05:03
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