How do I navigate life after a breakup?
Discussion
k a girl in her 20s. If necessary, pay for it. 
AD462 said:
I’ve been on a few dates but feel like I’m getting so, so attached to people so quickly, constantly checking my phone to see if they’ve messaged back and when they don’t message back immediately or don’t seem fully invested it really, really hurts. This is so unlike me and it feels really uncomfortable. I take it this is a sign I’m not ready to be dating?
Stop dating. Hindsight is wonderful but I did this after my marriage ended, I buckled to peer pressure to get out there but it was a car crash. I was so stressed waiting for texts, dealing with the apps, talking to different women I wasnt sleeping right for checking my phone and looking back it was not good for me. I was way off being ready and this was the last thing I should have done.Can you get away, join one of these 2-3 week treks in the himalayas or something cool if you can afford it?
I would lean on friends and try and get away but stay away from women for now, its a rollercaoster and you need to not get on it.
Pursue your hobbies / interests and meet someone through that. At least then it’ll be someone local, and someone with the same interests as you -Both of these were issues with the previous partner.
Don’t look at it as a bad thing for ending it. You were clearly in a rut, and you’ve escaped it before it dragged you down too much. This was something I let drag on for too long in one of my earlier relationships.
Don’t look at it as a bad thing for ending it. You were clearly in a rut, and you’ve escaped it before it dragged you down too much. This was something I let drag on for too long in one of my earlier relationships.
One positive things op: If you go on a voyage of self improvement - even if its just for something to do - when you do start dating again, you will be more successful.
Without meaning to sound shallow, but if it helps to motivate you: If you are currently X/10 attractive, you could currently attract an X/10 (plus or minus 1 say).
If you raise your X/10 value by 2, by (just for example), getting in great shape, learning to cook, new job so a bit richer and becoming more interesting by doing some cool stuff (learn to fly, big bike trip etc) then you will be able to attract a wow out of 10.
I mean you should do all those things anyway, but if that helps get you going....... :-)
Without meaning to sound shallow, but if it helps to motivate you: If you are currently X/10 attractive, you could currently attract an X/10 (plus or minus 1 say).
If you raise your X/10 value by 2, by (just for example), getting in great shape, learning to cook, new job so a bit richer and becoming more interesting by doing some cool stuff (learn to fly, big bike trip etc) then you will be able to attract a wow out of 10.
I mean you should do all those things anyway, but if that helps get you going....... :-)
AD462 said:
To update I think I’ve struggled because a lot of the things suggested to help you get over a breakup I have already done/do and they haven’t been working. Hobbies are motorbikes, cycling, gym/working out and yoga. Trouble is I tend to do them all solo which doesn’t really help, so maybe it’s time to find some groups.
Great point about the neediness, and I 100% agree, it’s so unlike me that it’s scary and really does show that I need more time.
Thank you, really appreciate the support and ideas.
Sounds like you are a bit lonely. I am in a similar situation. I recently separated from my wife, we had 2 kids, Im now living on my own. Some days I love it and others it feels desperately lonely, and that is when a lot of negative thoughts creep in, because Im just alone with my thoughts.Great point about the neediness, and I 100% agree, it’s so unlike me that it’s scary and really does show that I need more time.
Thank you, really appreciate the support and ideas.
I recently joined a cricket club, havent played in 25 years. I also got qualified as a coach. This has had lots of positive impacts. I now coach a team of youngsters, so one night a week I am coaching, soon they will be playing games so that will be a Sunday or an evening taken up coaching at a game, I do senior nets for myself and hopefully Saturdays will be playing myself. Plus there are social events organised. It gets me out of the house, doing something worthwhile, and meeting people. In the past I have always been a bit of a lone wolf and done hobbies alone so this is quite a change for me, but a good one,
interstellar said:
Stop dating. Hindsight is wonderful but I did this after my marriage ended, I buckled to peer pressure to get out there but it was a car crash. I was so stressed waiting for texts, dealing with the apps, talking to different women I wasnt sleeping right for checking my phone and looking back it was not good for me. I was way off being ready and this was the last thing I should have done.
Can you get away, join one of these 2-3 week treks in the himalayas or something cool if you can afford it?
I would lean on friends and try and get away but stay away from women for now, its a rollercaoster and you need to not get on it.
Thanks mate, you’ve hit the absolute nail on the head there with how I’ve been. Totally out of character and really indicative that I’m so not ready to date again. In theory I’ve got one tomorrow but after that (assuming it goes ahead) I’ll sack it off entirely for a while. Can you get away, join one of these 2-3 week treks in the himalayas or something cool if you can afford it?
I would lean on friends and try and get away but stay away from women for now, its a rollercaoster and you need to not get on it.
Chainsaw Rebuild said:
I mean you should do all those things anyway, but if that helps get you going....... :-)
I’m quite lucky that my relationship never stopped me doing things like that but you’re right, it’s time to pursue them with a renewed vigour. Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who’s commented, it’s really appreciated. Hopefully starting to put a few things in motion to move things on and keep myself busy.
AD462 said:
interstellar said:
Stop dating. Hindsight is wonderful but I did this after my marriage ended, I buckled to peer pressure to get out there but it was a car crash. I was so stressed waiting for texts, dealing with the apps, talking to different women I wasnt sleeping right for checking my phone and looking back it was not good for me. I was way off being ready and this was the last thing I should have done.
Can you get away, join one of these 2-3 week treks in the himalayas or something cool if you can afford it?
I would lean on friends and try and get away but stay away from women for now, its a rollercaoster and you need to not get on it.
Thanks mate, you’ve hit the absolute nail on the head there with how I’ve been. Totally out of character and really indicative that I’m so not ready to date again. In theory I’ve got one tomorrow but after that (assuming it goes ahead) I’ll sack it off entirely for a while. Can you get away, join one of these 2-3 week treks in the himalayas or something cool if you can afford it?
I would lean on friends and try and get away but stay away from women for now, its a rollercaoster and you need to not get on it.
OP i feel for you man, we all get 'validated' to an extent by our other half and once thats gone its easy to feel a bit lost. Sounds like you're doing all the right things, hit the gym and put some effort into it, eat excellent healthy food, do any new hobbies you find remotely interesting, travel by yourself wherever you want to go, 100% keep the dating going and one more thing - be a Yes Man. Your new answer to anyone who asks you to do anything, yes. (within legalities and common sense obviously)
Years ago in my twenties newly single I had a similar thing going on and after forcing myself to get on with it and do the above it changed my fitness, my bodyshape, my attitude and the whole slight 'neediness' was gone.
Good times!
Years ago in my twenties newly single I had a similar thing going on and after forcing myself to get on with it and do the above it changed my fitness, my bodyshape, my attitude and the whole slight 'neediness' was gone.
Good times!
Enjoy your own company doing what you want when you want.
I've been married 43 years so have seen both sides of the picture.
If you are bit lonely join some local clubs that interest you. Photography, motorcycling, chess, for instance, the list is endless.
Thousands of men would love to be in your situation.
I've been married 43 years so have seen both sides of the picture.
If you are bit lonely join some local clubs that interest you. Photography, motorcycling, chess, for instance, the list is endless.
Thousands of men would love to be in your situation.
Do a group holiday. A solo one.
You can email the companies and ask the demographic of the people booked onto them, then go with the flow.
Just don't go expecting to meet someone.
How about meditation also? Get one of the 30 day intro courses with Headspace & stick with it, after a week or two you'll work out how to start relaxing and reducing the anxiety.
Good luck.
You can email the companies and ask the demographic of the people booked onto them, then go with the flow.
Just don't go expecting to meet someone.
How about meditation also? Get one of the 30 day intro courses with Headspace & stick with it, after a week or two you'll work out how to start relaxing and reducing the anxiety.
Good luck.
Also don't push yourself to be with someone again, it takes time to reset and get back on an even keel - just now the most important thing is to take that time and heal.
The suggestions of a trip away, meeting other people (without the pressure of looking for a mate) is great. If you can do it, go for it - I wish I'd been able to take the time to do similar when I separated and subsequently divorced.
Good luck and all the best, onwards and upwards!
The suggestions of a trip away, meeting other people (without the pressure of looking for a mate) is great. If you can do it, go for it - I wish I'd been able to take the time to do similar when I separated and subsequently divorced.
Good luck and all the best, onwards and upwards!
Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff