The waiting is the hardest bit
Discussion
Thank you for the photo Boobles.
That picture made me smile. Lily always loved images of women in flowing dresses. Our home has many images of the Persian Miniatures and Lily to looked fabulous in her long dresses. It's the first thing I thought of when I saw the picture you posted.
So many walls, not enough pictures. These were her favourites.
Thank you to Nina, I think of you every day. Though we may be far apart, I hope you feel the warmth of my love for you.
Russell
xx
That picture made me smile. Lily always loved images of women in flowing dresses. Our home has many images of the Persian Miniatures and Lily to looked fabulous in her long dresses. It's the first thing I thought of when I saw the picture you posted.
So many walls, not enough pictures. These were her favourites.
Thank you to Nina, I think of you every day. Though we may be far apart, I hope you feel the warmth of my love for you.
Russell
xx
And a picture of us on our wedding day, with my best man and dear friend Ibo, who flew from Spain the day before as a surprise and my darling friend Jenny.
And of course, my beautiful Lily.
on the wall behind it says;
What is love?
life is an ocean and love is a boat
And of course, my beautiful Lily.
on the wall behind it says;
What is love?
life is an ocean and love is a boat
Edited by drivin_me_nuts on Sunday 5th June 22:41
DMN, you and Lily are in my thoughts this evening, a virtual candle if you like.
Your posts are, as ever, humbling, inspirational, and show a strength I think very few of us could even come close to. It's difficult allowing your mind to process such a mixture of pressures and emotions; many simply ignore it, others internalise it showing little emotion, you have the ability to put much of it into words - a rare skill.
Keep sailing that ship, it couldn't be in better hands... and sitting in that cove, reflecting on the past year sounds to me just what the voyage needs at the moment.
Best wishes
Your posts are, as ever, humbling, inspirational, and show a strength I think very few of us could even come close to. It's difficult allowing your mind to process such a mixture of pressures and emotions; many simply ignore it, others internalise it showing little emotion, you have the ability to put much of it into words - a rare skill.
Keep sailing that ship, it couldn't be in better hands... and sitting in that cove, reflecting on the past year sounds to me just what the voyage needs at the moment.
Best wishes
Sometimes in the course of life you have to face things that you don't want to, things that you would would rather avoid because you know that deep inside, when you start to speak, what will come out will leave you feeling all thoses things that you don't want to feel and are dammed hard behind a wall of getting on and moving on.
Yesterday I met Lily's brother for the first time in 20 odd years and it something that I have been dreading - simply because of what I have been thinking I would say for the last few months.
How do you say to someone 'I am so sorry for the death of your sister'. How do you get your head around the words, when logically you know it's a disease, yet when you say the words in your head, it sounds little more than an apology. I am sorry for your loss. I am sorry that your sister died and you couldn't be there to see her and you could take on part of any of it. I am sorry that I have to tell you that she was so proud of you and when ever she spoke of her one and only brother, she did with pride and a huge smile. I am sorry for your loss, I am sorry for your loss. I am so so sorry.
And he puts his arm around my shoulder and gives me a smile. And his eyes are smiling at the love he has for his lost sister, but mine do not. Mine are full of salt water at his bravery and for his loss for a few moments I wish I was anywhere else but there, for I am ashamed at feeling so weak. And though I know he is happy to see me and we share a common love, I feel that part of me breaks, the part that grieves at the loss suffered by someone else who also loved. And so I try and put on a brave face but actually it is his smile and that something from within him that makes the moment more bearable.
Sometimes we get strength from those around us in ways we least expect. Last night, for a few moments I borrowed Lily's bigger bro and took strength and love from him. I hope she does not mind me taking a little piece of him away to comfort myself.
Yesterday I met Lily's brother for the first time in 20 odd years and it something that I have been dreading - simply because of what I have been thinking I would say for the last few months.
How do you say to someone 'I am so sorry for the death of your sister'. How do you get your head around the words, when logically you know it's a disease, yet when you say the words in your head, it sounds little more than an apology. I am sorry for your loss. I am sorry that your sister died and you couldn't be there to see her and you could take on part of any of it. I am sorry that I have to tell you that she was so proud of you and when ever she spoke of her one and only brother, she did with pride and a huge smile. I am sorry for your loss, I am sorry for your loss. I am so so sorry.
And he puts his arm around my shoulder and gives me a smile. And his eyes are smiling at the love he has for his lost sister, but mine do not. Mine are full of salt water at his bravery and for his loss for a few moments I wish I was anywhere else but there, for I am ashamed at feeling so weak. And though I know he is happy to see me and we share a common love, I feel that part of me breaks, the part that grieves at the loss suffered by someone else who also loved. And so I try and put on a brave face but actually it is his smile and that something from within him that makes the moment more bearable.
Sometimes we get strength from those around us in ways we least expect. Last night, for a few moments I borrowed Lily's bigger bro and took strength and love from him. I hope she does not mind me taking a little piece of him away to comfort myself.
As always DMN, your words are very eloquent and moving.
I may be wrong, but this is how I see this.
Perhaps Lily's brother was equally anxious about meeting you, for very similar reasons.
He may have been wondering what he was going to say to you.
He may have wanted to be strong for Lily, for you, and to put a brave face on, even though he was feeling weak and ashamed himself.
He may well have drawn from your strength and love, as you did from his.
And anyone who has read this thread knows that you have been a tower of strength through this, an inspiration to many of us on PH, and I'm sure to many people around you also, including Lily's brother, even though you may not have realised it at the time.
I'm sure that nobody is ashamed of you in any way and, although I'm sure it's a natural reaction, guilt is not an emotion that you deserve to be feeling.
I may be wrong, but this is how I see this.
Perhaps Lily's brother was equally anxious about meeting you, for very similar reasons.
He may have been wondering what he was going to say to you.
He may have wanted to be strong for Lily, for you, and to put a brave face on, even though he was feeling weak and ashamed himself.
He may well have drawn from your strength and love, as you did from his.
And anyone who has read this thread knows that you have been a tower of strength through this, an inspiration to many of us on PH, and I'm sure to many people around you also, including Lily's brother, even though you may not have realised it at the time.
I'm sure that nobody is ashamed of you in any way and, although I'm sure it's a natural reaction, guilt is not an emotion that you deserve to be feeling.
I'll add my two penn'orth ...
Russell I really think Lily would be more upset by the thought of you angsting about taking support from, rather than giving support to, her brother. She'll be so happy that rather than the stiff upper lip you've been maintaining you're actually taking help, in a very slight way, from someone else rather than standing on those own feet of yours entirely.
You two supported each othe during your living time together - now she's moved on to the next place, do you really thyink that qualifies you to need no support from amyone? Of course you do, and to repeat, I know Lily will be very happy that you're taking some - however reluctantly - and that its coming from her flesh and blood.
Think of you a lot, and looking forward to September
N x
Russell I really think Lily would be more upset by the thought of you angsting about taking support from, rather than giving support to, her brother. She'll be so happy that rather than the stiff upper lip you've been maintaining you're actually taking help, in a very slight way, from someone else rather than standing on those own feet of yours entirely.
You two supported each othe during your living time together - now she's moved on to the next place, do you really thyink that qualifies you to need no support from amyone? Of course you do, and to repeat, I know Lily will be very happy that you're taking some - however reluctantly - and that its coming from her flesh and blood.
Think of you a lot, and looking forward to September
N x
.. bugger. Nina you've hit the nail squarely on the head here. Bugger. twice. The thing is that I know the bigger part of me is handling this well.. as well as ever I thought I would be, save for some procrastination along the way.
I think that what I find very difficult is to be around people who were very close to Lily, including and especially family. At the moment it's too hard and also I feel that in order to move life forwards I have to create head space between me and them. It feels almost as if I am drowning in their collective grief. This is not easy to explain in words, but I hope you understand. I can't handle their grief and mine simultaneously. I can 'do me', but I cannot be around some of them at all. Not even for a moment. It just overloads my head, quite literally. The best way I can describe it is like mental claustrophobia.
I think that what I find very difficult is to be around people who were very close to Lily, including and especially family. At the moment it's too hard and also I feel that in order to move life forwards I have to create head space between me and them. It feels almost as if I am drowning in their collective grief. This is not easy to explain in words, but I hope you understand. I can't handle their grief and mine simultaneously. I can 'do me', but I cannot be around some of them at all. Not even for a moment. It just overloads my head, quite literally. The best way I can describe it is like mental claustrophobia.
Thank you.
I have a big and rather wonderful PH family looking after me.
They do a fantastic job and I am OK. In fact, i'm more than OK actually
Thank you for asking and more so for keeping the little candle lit. It's very generous, very kind and always appreciated. Through the wonder of PH, there are little bits of my lass's life spread far and wide. Painting, music, laughter, stories... there's lots and it's a wonderful thing that makes me smile in the knowledge she will never be forgotten. Thanks
R
I have a big and rather wonderful PH family looking after me.
They do a fantastic job and I am OK. In fact, i'm more than OK actually
Thank you for asking and more so for keeping the little candle lit. It's very generous, very kind and always appreciated. Through the wonder of PH, there are little bits of my lass's life spread far and wide. Painting, music, laughter, stories... there's lots and it's a wonderful thing that makes me smile in the knowledge she will never be forgotten. Thanks
R
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