The waiting is the hardest bit
Discussion
NDA said:
Hi Russ, I must have missed the story first time around about Lily's brother.... Why the 20 year absence from your life?
Sorry to ask, I'm missing a piece of the story I've been following with affection.
Neil
Visas, money, war, instability, international politics, job... all consipred to create a situation where it was very hard for people to leave Iran. Few visas granted this end and she could not go back. Quite literally, it took her to be dying and MP intervention for a visa to be granted.Sorry to ask, I'm missing a piece of the story I've been following with affection.
Neil
TBO, i'm relived that he did not see her at the time. It would have broken his heart. Lily was bang on right when she said she did not want her family to see her the way she was. It caused a level of stress and anxiety far beyond anything any of us had imagined possible. She knew it would. I did to, but not in the way it panned out.
Time marches on now and the past stresses fade away a little. I've wanted to go to the Btap thing a while now, but it also conicides with my wedding anniversary. Somehow I don't know if the mix of party, alcohol and me will be the most sensible thing to do. BJW, you are right with the anniversary thing, they come thick and fast. Funny really, a part of the brain starts wishing for this first year to be over and done with.
But saying that, i'm also learning a lot of things along the way and I am planning to put my experiences to good use in a practical and pragmatic way. Pragmatism wins... mostly. I go to bed and sleep well, and sleep on Lily's side of the bed, on her pillow and feel close to her. I can still smell her perfume and feel her touch on many things. It is a profound comfort. Funny really, I don't look at photos too much, or 'reminisce' too much about the past - there is something deeper than that at the moment and it is that feeling of love and of being very much in love with her and feeling her very close, especially at night.
The death of a loved one is never easy. But to be in love when the person you love dies, is as strange as it may seem, a wonderful gift. It is an extraordinary place to be. It is a place of extremes. At times, it is of profound grief and loss, at other times, of undertstanding what real intimacy is. It is a place of the smallest and most subtle smiles and remembered caresses, of moments of intense memory and deep sensation.
It's made me appreciate just how much love means and how close the human bond with another can be. I lack the skills to write of this part, I can't do it justice save to say that when you are entwined with the life of another, though their branch may die, the form they give you, the shape they give to your life, gives you the structure to carry on with your own life alone. In that respect, they are never gone, because even when the shape of your life changes, and it surely will, as your branches grow elsewhere, you only have to look down a little way to see the shape and form you made together. That's the beauty of love and that's the thing that death cannot take away.
The V8 girl once said...
I lost my love along life's way
On a day of cold winds and sky steel grey
She slept one night and drifted on
The slumber eased a body cancer won
And though the heart it beats no more
and through the man's heart's desolate shore
come rising from the depths unbidden
a new sun and life, death forgiven
I forgive you death and let you pass
to take another in your cold grasp
You cannot stop your taking way
But we cannot ourselves become so grey
If we die upon our shore
and morn a loss for ever more
Do we not become as them that passed
Do we not become a mere shadow of our past?
Should we not choose a path
That takes in the sun and warmth to laugh
Should we take the path to life
And celebrate, not live with strife?
I choose this part of life to take
I choose to leave you death, no wake
I choose to celibrate and live some more
and walk upon a brigntening shore
I choose to rest upon the stones
and warm once tired and aching bones
i choose to live, I choose to live
I choose to forgive you death, I forgive
And now I walk in the suns strong gaze
My Lily, brightening grief's hard haze
From past sad places and smells and sounds
To places brighter and more profound
I hear the waves upon the shore
Crashing with words 'never more'
Never more mourn me in the dark
Live your life, reignite the spark
Fire up the cylinders of life
Fire up the spark and strive
Fire up up the engine deep within
And live the life, let it begin
Begin anew with a V8 roar
Shatter the silence with a straight though bore
Wake the neighbours from their slumber
And make the world hear your rumble
Drive it hard and drive it longer
Feel the yearn and feel the hunger
Live it like an engine's roar
Foot down hard and to the floor
And when it's time to go your way
You look back upon the day
You turned around and with a final glance
gave the beast of life one last and final dance
So dance well my fellow friends
Let the dance of life have no end
Let your engine roar and cylinders chatter
The V8 roar, it's all that matters.
Full chat dear chaps and chapesses
Full throttle, no fine caresses
Live it, it's an on switch, live it loud
Live it, love it and live it proud.
Thanks for that background - I understand.
I, we, have learned a lot through your openness surrounding your experiences. I often think of you as having climbed mountain ranges - the peaks with their sublime and peaceful views; the valleys and their shadows.
As always, thought provoking and 'real'.
Nx
Thank you.
One year ... That has passed in moments in so many ways. It has been a year of endless firsts, some joyful and some sad. I have achieved more than I thought I would, but less than the driver of my impatience demands. It has been a year of deep reflection and at times a profound sense of unending loss that left many dark hours through last winter.
But through the salve of time and the balm of a mind that frays away at the edges of the darker memories, I am increasingly reminded of the bright and the joyful.
Grief knows no time frame, loss no depths to it's bottomless blackness, save one thing. You can walk the chasm of loss starting with one small step.. that becomes another than another, until you reach the point when you look at loss face to face. Staring into the blackness leaves no feeling of despair, only the understanding that you have walked many steps already. Then you realise that life moves on and you, in your own faltering steps, have moved with it.
Love never dies, it is immortal. I carry that soulmate love with me every moment of every day. It warms me, comforts me, gives me a deeper understanding of the lives of others and helps me hold my head high when people say .. married or single? Widower say I... And when they say, 'oh I am sorry', I smile at them and say 'don't be'. I smile and laugh with the warmth inside. I remember a lifetime of shared moments, a lifetime of laughter and fine food and good humour.. I remember.
Thank you PH. You have been a wonderful friend to me this last year. I have met so many of you, I call so many of you friends. My dear friend in his loud red car gave me some sage advice recently. Look forwards, close no doors, be receptive to the new said he.. Thank you.
I am, as always, forever grateful for the support and kindness I receive here. In my own way, I have tried to redress the balance of that giving. For those with whom this adventure has been shared, thank you for coming into my life. I am truly blessed. For those who remember us in your thoughts, I am humbled that you give us the gift of your precious time. The list of names is endless, from the bottom of my heart, thank you all. Lily and Russell.
One year ... That has passed in moments in so many ways. It has been a year of endless firsts, some joyful and some sad. I have achieved more than I thought I would, but less than the driver of my impatience demands. It has been a year of deep reflection and at times a profound sense of unending loss that left many dark hours through last winter.
But through the salve of time and the balm of a mind that frays away at the edges of the darker memories, I am increasingly reminded of the bright and the joyful.
Grief knows no time frame, loss no depths to it's bottomless blackness, save one thing. You can walk the chasm of loss starting with one small step.. that becomes another than another, until you reach the point when you look at loss face to face. Staring into the blackness leaves no feeling of despair, only the understanding that you have walked many steps already. Then you realise that life moves on and you, in your own faltering steps, have moved with it.
Love never dies, it is immortal. I carry that soulmate love with me every moment of every day. It warms me, comforts me, gives me a deeper understanding of the lives of others and helps me hold my head high when people say .. married or single? Widower say I... And when they say, 'oh I am sorry', I smile at them and say 'don't be'. I smile and laugh with the warmth inside. I remember a lifetime of shared moments, a lifetime of laughter and fine food and good humour.. I remember.
Thank you PH. You have been a wonderful friend to me this last year. I have met so many of you, I call so many of you friends. My dear friend in his loud red car gave me some sage advice recently. Look forwards, close no doors, be receptive to the new said he.. Thank you.
I am, as always, forever grateful for the support and kindness I receive here. In my own way, I have tried to redress the balance of that giving. For those with whom this adventure has been shared, thank you for coming into my life. I am truly blessed. For those who remember us in your thoughts, I am humbled that you give us the gift of your precious time. The list of names is endless, from the bottom of my heart, thank you all. Lily and Russell.
I've only just found this thread, I had no idea.
I've read through all of it this evening and have been sat here at times with tears streaming down my face. This is a very unusual reaction for me when reading a thread on any forum, but I've found your experience deeply moving.
Not really sure what else to say other than I'm thinking of you at the moment.
I've read through all of it this evening and have been sat here at times with tears streaming down my face. This is a very unusual reaction for me when reading a thread on any forum, but I've found your experience deeply moving.
Not really sure what else to say other than I'm thinking of you at the moment.
Thank you 
The light never diminishes in brightness. The light shines as strongly today as the day I fell in love and the last day my lass wrote I love you. Life goes on, life moves forwards as it does, as it should. It does so with the knowledge that wrapped around me is something unbreakable.
In bright red dance shoes, my Lily leads me through the dance of life. Still smiling, still laughing, she turns, smiles and with a wiggle of her hips she leads the way back to the light of living life anew.
I was in Skye for the anniversay of Lily's funeral. Overlooking the Sound of Sleat, my lass flies free.
The light never diminishes in brightness. The light shines as strongly today as the day I fell in love and the last day my lass wrote I love you. Life goes on, life moves forwards as it does, as it should. It does so with the knowledge that wrapped around me is something unbreakable.
In bright red dance shoes, my Lily leads me through the dance of life. Still smiling, still laughing, she turns, smiles and with a wiggle of her hips she leads the way back to the light of living life anew.
I was in Skye for the anniversay of Lily's funeral. Overlooking the Sound of Sleat, my lass flies free.
I played this today and thought of you and your lovely lady........ It might not be your style, but the lyrics.... hmmm.
Hope you're doing well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAC8UMMeSQo
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