The waiting is the hardest bit

[drivin_me_nuts]

I am very well. Thank you for asking. There is lots going on work wise and home wise and I feel slowly that life is beginning to step up a pace. I realise now that Jan, feb and march were life in a holding pattern. I was waiting for the spring to let her go on Skye. Of course I am sad and every night I hold her teddy close and kiss it good night as I kissed Lily good night. At times I am fearful - fearful that there are thinkgs I might forget. But I also understand that that in itself is the normal part of life and loss. I spoke to the lady in the cancer centre today, the one who helped us the most and she told me that the nurses speak of Lily regularly and ask for me regularly. I shall return with a box of doughnuts and other lovelies soon enough.

The more I think about it, the more I am coming to appreciate just how well a place Lily left me in. I shall be forever grateful to her for giving me the time and space to be myself and I am glad that I put Lily first in all of this journey. I don't have any guilt about any of this and I don't live a single day wishing 'if only'. Of course I miss Lily every day and I the missing part is a chasm of yearning deep down inside. But life does go on - I have much to do. I promised Lily that I would open our own centre, that I would take forward her pragmatism and dynamic approach to walzing this terrible disease and that is what I intend to do.

In my line of work it's very easy to create glib strap lines to 'sell' to people in the hope that your words catch their semtiment and resonate with them. A few years ago, Lily suggested that we use 'freedom of mind is your birthright - reclaim it'. It's an interesting combination of words, that some we have worked with have grasped the significance of immediately. I saw that in the process of dying Lily lived that belief and in doing so, she opened up something inside of me. People ask me if i'm angry, some say that I 'deserve to be angry', considering all that has happened. But I say to them that every moment of anger is a moment lost. Why be angry and flood your mind with negative thoughts and resentments about things that you can do little to change. So instead I smile and say to them no, I'm not angry, just very very proud of Lily and very much in love - and it is that love that neutralises the negativity I could feel. Lily has my deepest respect and admiration and her courage has been an inspiration to me. The very least I can do is take some of that and pass it on. So that is what I am doing, enjoying love and passing it on to those who want to share it. I celebrate life and love and i've learned to surf the tsunami. That is the thing that Lily could always do and it is the greatest gift she gave me - learning to surf life. It's a wonderful feeling.

[drivin_me_nuts]

boobles said:

Howz things with you DMN?

Thank you for asking.


This coming Sunday will make one year since this all started. One year. I can hardly believe it. Part of me feel quite numb at the whole thing - a civilian form of shell shock for want of an expression. Not denial, definitely not denial, but I sit here sometimes wondering how the hell this all happened. It plays like a movie where some of the scenes are told in flashback whilst the story continues forward in the present time.

In truth, I am dreading the next few weeks and days, particularly Sunday. It is the one 'anniversary' that in truth leaves me staring over the edge of chaos and profound fear. Fear of not knowing what to do, fear of not knowing how to deal with this particular part. If you read some of the other banal rubbish I write on the trivia threads, you'll realise that in truth it's little more than a mask to take away what is a dread of the days and weeks to come. There is so much that seems so raw and open. Lily is a constant thought in my mind - there is not a moment of the day that goes by when I do not think of her, not a single moment when I think of how I feel about her and how much I miss her. It is an ache of loss that cannot be put into words, yet manifests itself as a chasm of dark and utter emptiness inside of me. My soulmate is far from me and though I feel her close, I am blind to her and that hurt of not seeing leaves me at times undone.

I know, one day at a time is the way forward, especially through Sunday and if you read this, then please just for me, if you remember, light a candle for my girl, because she loved light and she loved candles and on Sunday, more than any other day this year I know I will be undone.

[drivin_me_nuts]

I have been reading through this thread a while today looking for something. I stop at various posts from kind people and I try to draw strength from words said at times almost a year ago. I sit, I read, I think, I ponder, I reflect and then I wonder more.

As time passes and your loved one is gone, at what point does the mind say enough? Enough of the daily thinking, the minute by minute thoughts and reflections of minutaed moments. At what point does the mind say 'come on, there's a life to be lived'? I know that life goes on, but the heels drag in and the mind says no. No, wait a while longer because you are not ready. You are not ready to face the onslaught proper. You're still dallying; playing footsie with old father time upon the veneered floor of life's long corridor where dust settles as moments in a crowded mind. You are not ready the voice says. You are not ready it says again. You are not ready it says yet one more time, then it says once more, this time with hurt behind the eyes, you're not ready. Stop, it says, wait, pause a while, gather your breath, grieve, mourn, suffer your loss, accept, but grieve. But how?

For I am not ready.

When the voice says grieve, it is the voice of that inner child like part, bereft of love and abandoned to a fate of one. But not abandoned, not orphaned, left unwillingly and before time. It should have been me, take me instead, why did you not take me the response comes again, Why did you not take me? it speaks with that insistent voice before the lips temble and the voice cracks to a deeper mourning. Like funneling torrents from a cracked dam, the words break free, take me. Take me instead, take me. Take me and spare her life, the voice cries out, the words puddle into a lake of thoughts and tortured emotion. Take me, i'll go willingly he says. Take me, please take me, I beg of you take me. But no, the stern master of time says no, this is not your time. This is hers. This is your task, your part of the journey, to stay and set the tracks annew. But where, but why, but when will they rejoin? says he. And old father time, he smiles his wizended smile and says little:

You'll know when it's your time.

You'll know when it is time, says he. But not now, not yet,
there's life to be lived and challenges to be met.
'But when will I know?', he asks again, 'when will I know i've done enough to rest a while?'
And old father time, the sly old fox that he is, smiles and gives a clue. A rhyme he says to tease.

'When you're old and your bones are sore, you'll be but dust upon the shore, then your lost love you will see, then your lost love, she and thee'.
And the man, that foolish man of brittle stuff and folly says,
'father time, oh father time, wait a moment more'.
When you see her, tell her she is loved, tell her she is not forgotten, no never forgotten.
Tell her she is in dreams of a night, caressed and touched as feathered fingers upon a velveteen cloth.
Tell her that her lips are missed and in a minds eye kissed a dozen times goodnight.
Tell her that her smile, is as bright and radiant as ever like the sun could be, still warms his broken heart and morned soul to burn away the shadows upon the ring's etched word Soulmate.
Tell her, he thinks of her a moment, then a moment more, then ten thousand before moving from the bed and then ten thousand more.
Tell her father time the sweet smile and perfumed hair, is held as gossamer tips upon the air,
as gentle caresses they touch his mind eye with the fair sun would not dare.
Tell her that her walk is missed, the steps upon the heels, their high clip.
Tell her the shoes of red, the lips of red, the pout to them is still there.
Tell her father time that love endures.
Tell her father time that love endures.
Tell her father time, that love is not lost, that it holds upon this earth as an eternal thing, a constant upon these shores.
As the laws of physics it remains, a reminder to us all, that though the clock of life be short, love conquers, then be still.
Be still a while beloved father time, that this man may rest a while - not too long to get complacent, but long enough; a while.
And tell her father time that upon the day they join, his last thought will be of her,
his last mortal thought will be of love and its great endure.
Tell her father messanger, give her his love and pass, to her this note of thanks from all a love letter to last.
Tell her she was remarkable, a true oneness, an entity - unbidden, a freedom fighter for a life well lived, or bondages unbidden.
Tell her she was dearly loved and admired for all her grace, her movement, her smile, her great intellect, her wisdom, oh and her cheeky face.
Tell her she was feisty, a quality he so loved, that her spirit and her courage was unbreakable and from it he drew so much.
And tell her father time he's sorry for the loss, for not being able to do more for her, not being able to do not nearly enough.
For it seems to him of father time, that life has but one curse;
our loved ones depart this earth, when you have yet to do your worst.
You took her early from me you fool, you wizzened imbicile, you played a trick you dirty thief, when you spun your roulette wheel.
It spun so fast, the days were gone, the days were all a blur, you left us little time to love, you swine, you rotten cur.
Yet in your cheating ways old fool, you forgot the biggest trick, that life and love get on without you, you didn't really get to pick.
For where this girl is, there's the thing, she looking from up on down and waving two fingers over to you... stop your silly frown.
You didn't win you old buffoon, father time you lost this one, for she went too early for you to do your worst, she walked and then you ran.
To late to chase her from this world, father time you silly man, it's time to go now wizzened fool, this story's nearly ran.
But think on old fool, your stealer fraud, you devious little man, a thief you may be, your games to play,
but some, they are to smart, they steal themselves away.
Upon this earth we grant them a gift, the gift of imortality;
not for them those cruel words 'didn't you used to be'.
no sir indeed, this live we live, though short or sometimes long,
Is but a tryste upon the earth, at best the lovers song,
I loved a girl, my love endures, she loved me back till death,
and I repay that love each day, with smiles and no regrets.
For no regrets, that is the hope, in time to come, time soon,
but for a while, i'll mourn my girl, but in a sunny and bright room.
I shall sit and think of love's great joy and time to think some more,
when I sit with her on pastures new, upon the verdant shore.
So go now old man, oh father time, you task is done at last,
for there is death of life indeed, but of love you failed this task.
Love endures of everything, it will be there till the end,
as long as fingers do embrace, then love will never end.
And love's great song is a simple one, it's music loud and great
it starts with a bright and glittering S and ends with the word Soulmates.

Forgive the ramblings, there are things deep inside that have a voice, a voice that need to be set free.

[drivin_me_nuts]

Thank you for your support. I did write those words. I don't know how or why, but when I sit down at a keyboard something weird happens and words just fall out of my head pretty much in the order they appear on a page. There's a deeper part of me that I know has a lot to say of love and i'm not finished with talking about how I feel.

I'm glad your father is on the mend Thank you for your support. I did write those words. I don't know how or why, but when I sit down at a keyboard something weird happens and words just fall out of my head pretty much in the order they appear ona page. There's a deeper part of me that I know has a lot to say of love and i'm not finished with talking about how I feel.

I'm glad your father is on the mend Kateg28 and every time I read of someone coming out the other side it bolsters me. It lights a candle in the darkness of sader parts of my own mind.

[drivin_me_nuts]

Thank you. I am writing - but in a different way. We collected teddybears and over the years I used to tell Lily stories at night about them. I have quite literally hundreds of stories in my head from many of the different characters. They are all so clear and defined. Over the years I built a whole world for them and they aren't just child like stories, they are stories with adult themes and thoughts. On my do list for later this year is a creative writing course because one of the things I want to be able to do is turn these into a book. Lily loved them, she almost demanded I tell her a story every night and in truth it was always easy to make a new one, the characters are so well defined. They are imtimate, love stories for want of a description and they are funny, cheeky and full of adventure and excitement.

That's where I think I shall send my 'talent' for now.

I was re-reading this thread over the last few days. It has helped me understand more about where I am now and more importantly, the journey upon which I have been. It's hard sometimes to take it all in. I know i'm still processing great parts of it. It's not a blur anymore or that whirlwind of chaotic and stressful days. It reminds me more of the morning after a drunken 'party' (wrong word I know, but it's the only one that fits) - you know the kind of party where you look around the wreckage in the house and wonder how the hell the wine stain ended up on the ceiling and why are there glasses in all the potplants? It obviously happened, it's just that with your mushyheadedness, you cannot recall anymore the details of the night before. It feels like that at times. Yet at other times, there is the lucid clarity that pierces the brain brighter than any lighthouse lamp at short range.

It is what is. I keep coming back to that. I keep coming back to Lily's lines time and time again. But that's not enough anymore. I am searching in part for a truth, a reality. In all of this I am casting about for me. What of me. What am I now? Who am I now? Am I the same person now? What do I now do with 'all of this'? Sometimes it feels that I am standing arms out, posing that question and Lily is there saying nothing has changed, nothing is different. Even as I write this, I feel her love, standing over and behind my left shoulder, and touching my left hand, making my palms tingle. I can feel my finger crook as it did when I held hers and said soulmates. There is an itch there, a yearning for that finger to be closed again, to be entwined once again with hers. That feeling I think will never leave me. I am left with a yearning, an ache inside; it hurts. There is a soreness of hurt in my chest and the pit of my stomach, that sense of loss - a hungry man not eaten for weeks.

I know it is what it is, a process of adjustment, of reaching an inner understanding and acceptance. I turn again, once again to my favourite song and think of the voyage. Can a couple endure a voyage when one crew member is lost to the seas? No poor poetry, just a simple question. Can love endure its soulmates depart? Can the broken heart endure the loss of its twin beat, its sounding board, its reflective beat, its echo? In part the mind answers yes, it answers 'you have to'. In part it answers 'many do, they get on. They do'. Aaah yes the elusive 'they', the mass, the elusive collective we talk about where we compare our lives, when we launch forth our fire arrows in search of the half shadow that shows land.

Many years ago, for reasons I will not go into here, I stood one day on top of Beach Head. I put my feet over the edge and looked down. It was early evening and over the way there were people walking dogs, or people going for an autumn stroll and life was carrying on as normal. And then there was me. To this day I still have no idea how I got there - not really, not that day, how I got there that day. Though in part it was a mind that had had enough looking for an answer to something that was at the time unanswerable. Some time and a great deal of understanding and work later I went back with Lily and stood in the same place. All those feelings had gone, the sense of desperatation that had plagued me for years had all gone and I held her tight and she put her arm around mine and it felt so right. I felt so safe, so secure, so strong. I'm not in that place and have no desire or need to stand upon that same rock, but to know that the person you love is there with you not just in your times of desparation (because it is she who saw me through it), but aftwerwards, when the sun comes out and all you see is the beautiful sunset and not the shattered chalk below, is a feeling beyond my word skills. I walk with her each day close by and near and touch each day with that same feeling. Some things in life are unbreakable and they are the precious elements we hold close, to sustain us through the years when they are no longer here in the flesh, in this plane of existance.

Perhaps therein lies my answer to my earlier question. Sail the ship for the two of us. Sail it as one, but with a life shared for two. I think we've already sailed it through the bumpiest seas, perhaps now the thing to do is find a sheltered cove to sit back a while and enjoy the late afternet sunset, enjoy the picnic and bask in the love of it all. Yes, that is it. Bask in the love of it all.

[drivin_me_nuts]

Granville said:

I think you should seriously think about writing a book about your's & Lily's journey and what you have both been through. I know your words have touched and helped a lot of people on here dealing with various aspects of Cancer and I'm sure you could reach out to a wider audience.

They say silence is deafening and I think it would not only help you Russell but so many other people as well dealing not with just cancer but losing loved ones.

I have thought of it, I continue to think of it. I am, as of yet undecided. If I do, I know this thread and all that has stemmed forth from it, will feature centre stage. Because without this place, I would not have made it. That much I know for sure.

[drivin_me_nuts]

Mrs Muttleysnoop said:

I lit a candle earlier and it is still burning brightly.

Thank you

x

[drivin_me_nuts]

Thank you for the photo Boobles.

That picture made me smile. Lily always loved images of women in flowing dresses. Our home has many images of the Persian Miniatures and Lily to looked fabulous in her long dresses. It's the first thing I thought of when I saw the picture you posted.

So many walls, not enough pictures. These were her favourites.










Thank you to Nina, I think of you every day. Though we may be far apart, I hope you feel the warmth of my love for you.

Russell

xx

[drivin_me_nuts]

And a picture of us on our wedding day, with my best man and dear friend Ibo, who flew from Spain the day before as a surprise and my darling friend Jenny.

And of course, my beautiful Lily.



on the wall behind it says;

What is love?

life is an ocean and love is a boat

Edited by drivin_me_nuts on Sunday 5th June 22:41

[drivin_me_nuts]

BlackVanDyke said:

That's such a gorgeous photo. You are thought of often here, too - are you still intending to head up North sometime?

In a few weeks I am going north for a few days. We will speak then

[drivin_me_nuts]

Thank you. I am touched, as so many time before, by your caring and understanding.

[drivin_me_nuts]

Sometimes in the course of life you have to face things that you don't want to, things that you would would rather avoid because you know that deep inside, when you start to speak, what will come out will leave you feeling all thoses things that you don't want to feel and are dammed hard behind a wall of getting on and moving on.

Yesterday I met Lily's brother for the first time in 20 odd years and it something that I have been dreading - simply because of what I have been thinking I would say for the last few months.

How do you say to someone 'I am so sorry for the death of your sister'. How do you get your head around the words, when logically you know it's a disease, yet when you say the words in your head, it sounds little more than an apology. I am sorry for your loss. I am sorry that your sister died and you couldn't be there to see her and you could take on part of any of it. I am sorry that I have to tell you that she was so proud of you and when ever she spoke of her one and only brother, she did with pride and a huge smile. I am sorry for your loss, I am sorry for your loss. I am so so sorry.

And he puts his arm around my shoulder and gives me a smile. And his eyes are smiling at the love he has for his lost sister, but mine do not. Mine are full of salt water at his bravery and for his loss for a few moments I wish I was anywhere else but there, for I am ashamed at feeling so weak. And though I know he is happy to see me and we share a common love, I feel that part of me breaks, the part that grieves at the loss suffered by someone else who also loved. And so I try and put on a brave face but actually it is his smile and that something from within him that makes the moment more bearable.

Sometimes we get strength from those around us in ways we least expect. Last night, for a few moments I borrowed Lily's bigger bro and took strength and love from him. I hope she does not mind me taking a little piece of him away to comfort myself.

[drivin_me_nuts]

.. bugger. Nina you've hit the nail squarely on the head here. Bugger. twice. The thing is that I know the bigger part of me is handling this well.. as well as ever I thought I would be, save for some procrastination along the way.

I think that what I find very difficult is to be around people who were very close to Lily, including and especially family. At the moment it's too hard and also I feel that in order to move life forwards I have to create head space between me and them. It feels almost as if I am drowning in their collective grief. This is not easy to explain in words, but I hope you understand. I can't handle their grief and mine simultaneously. I can 'do me', but I cannot be around some of them at all. Not even for a moment. It just overloads my head, quite literally. The best way I can describe it is like mental claustrophobia.

[drivin_me_nuts]

Thank you.

I have a big and rather wonderful PH family looking after me.

They do a fantastic job and I am OK. In fact, i'm more than OK actually

Thank you for asking and more so for keeping the little candle lit. It's very generous, very kind and always appreciated. Through the wonder of PH, there are little bits of my lass's life spread far and wide. Painting, music, laughter, stories... there's lots and it's a wonderful thing that makes me smile in the knowledge she will never be forgotten. Thanks

R

[drivin_me_nuts]

NDA said:

Hi Russ, I must have missed the story first time around about Lily's brother.... Why the 20 year absence from your life?

Sorry to ask, I'm missing a piece of the story I've been following with affection.

Neil

Visas, money, war, instability, international politics, job... all consipred to create a situation where it was very hard for people to leave Iran. Few visas granted this end and she could not go back. Quite literally, it took her to be dying and MP intervention for a visa to be granted.

TBO, i'm relived that he did not see her at the time. It would have broken his heart. Lily was bang on right when she said she did not want her family to see her the way she was. It caused a level of stress and anxiety far beyond anything any of us had imagined possible. She knew it would. I did to, but not in the way it panned out.

Time marches on now and the past stresses fade away a little. I've wanted to go to the Btap thing a while now, but it also conicides with my wedding anniversary. Somehow I don't know if the mix of party, alcohol and me will be the most sensible thing to do. BJW, you are right with the anniversary thing, they come thick and fast. Funny really, a part of the brain starts wishing for this first year to be over and done with.

But saying that, i'm also learning a lot of things along the way and I am planning to put my experiences to good use in a practical and pragmatic way. Pragmatism wins... mostly. I go to bed and sleep well, and sleep on Lily's side of the bed, on her pillow and feel close to her. I can still smell her perfume and feel her touch on many things. It is a profound comfort. Funny really, I don't look at photos too much, or 'reminisce' too much about the past - there is something deeper than that at the moment and it is that feeling of love and of being very much in love with her and feeling her very close, especially at night.

The death of a loved one is never easy. But to be in love when the person you love dies, is as strange as it may seem, a wonderful gift. It is an extraordinary place to be. It is a place of extremes. At times, it is of profound grief and loss, at other times, of undertstanding what real intimacy is. It is a place of the smallest and most subtle smiles and remembered caresses, of moments of intense memory and deep sensation.

It's made me appreciate just how much love means and how close the human bond with another can be. I lack the skills to write of this part, I can't do it justice save to say that when you are entwined with the life of another, though their branch may die, the form they give you, the shape they give to your life, gives you the structure to carry on with your own life alone. In that respect, they are never gone, because even when the shape of your life changes, and it surely will, as your branches grow elsewhere, you only have to look down a little way to see the shape and form you made together. That's the beauty of love and that's the thing that death cannot take away.

The V8 girl once said...

I lost my love along life's way
On a day of cold winds and sky steel grey
She slept one night and drifted on
The slumber eased a body cancer won

And though the heart it beats no more
and through the man's heart's desolate shore
come rising from the depths unbidden
a new sun and life, death forgiven

I forgive you death and let you pass
to take another in your cold grasp
You cannot stop your taking way
But we cannot ourselves become so grey

If we die upon our shore
and morn a loss for ever more
Do we not become as them that passed
Do we not become a mere shadow of our past?

Should we not choose a path
That takes in the sun and warmth to laugh
Should we take the path to life
And celebrate, not live with strife?

I choose this part of life to take
I choose to leave you death, no wake
I choose to celibrate and live some more
and walk upon a brigntening shore

I choose to rest upon the stones
and warm once tired and aching bones
i choose to live, I choose to live
I choose to forgive you death, I forgive

And now I walk in the suns strong gaze
My Lily, brightening grief's hard haze
From past sad places and smells and sounds
To places brighter and more profound

I hear the waves upon the shore
Crashing with words 'never more'
Never more mourn me in the dark
Live your life, reignite the spark

Fire up the cylinders of life
Fire up the spark and strive
Fire up up the engine deep within
And live the life, let it begin

Begin anew with a V8 roar
Shatter the silence with a straight though bore
Wake the neighbours from their slumber
And make the world hear your rumble

Drive it hard and drive it longer
Feel the yearn and feel the hunger
Live it like an engine's roar
Foot down hard and to the floor

And when it's time to go your way
You look back upon the day
You turned around and with a final glance
gave the beast of life one last and final dance

So dance well my fellow friends
Let the dance of life have no end
Let your engine roar and cylinders chatter
The V8 roar, it's all that matters.

Full chat dear chaps and chapesses
Full throttle, no fine caresses
Live it, it's an on switch, live it loud
Live it, love it and live it proud.

[drivin_me_nuts]

Thank you.

One year ... That has passed in moments in so many ways. It has been a year of endless firsts, some joyful and some sad. I have achieved more than I thought I would, but less than the driver of my impatience demands. It has been a year of deep reflection and at times a profound sense of unending loss that left many dark hours through last winter.

But through the salve of time and the balm of a mind that frays away at the edges of the darker memories, I am increasingly reminded of the bright and the joyful.

Grief knows no time frame, loss no depths to it's bottomless blackness, save one thing. You can walk the chasm of loss starting with one small step.. that becomes another than another, until you reach the point when you look at loss face to face. Staring into the blackness leaves no feeling of despair, only the understanding that you have walked many steps already. Then you realise that life moves on and you, in your own faltering steps, have moved with it.

Love never dies, it is immortal. I carry that soulmate love with me every moment of every day. It warms me, comforts me, gives me a deeper understanding of the lives of others and helps me hold my head high when people say .. married or single? Widower say I... And when they say, 'oh I am sorry', I smile at them and say 'don't be'. I smile and laugh with the warmth inside. I remember a lifetime of shared moments, a lifetime of laughter and fine food and good humour.. I remember.

Thank you PH. You have been a wonderful friend to me this last year. I have met so many of you, I call so many of you friends. My dear friend in his loud red car gave me some sage advice recently. Look forwards, close no doors, be receptive to the new said he.. Thank you.

I am, as always, forever grateful for the support and kindness I receive here. In my own way, I have tried to redress the balance of that giving. For those with whom this adventure has been shared, thank you for coming into my life. I am truly blessed. For those who remember us in your thoughts, I am humbled that you give us the gift of your precious time. The list of names is endless, from the bottom of my heart, thank you all. Lily and Russell.

[drivin_me_nuts]

Thank you

The light never diminishes in brightness. The light shines as strongly today as the day I fell in love and the last day my lass wrote I love you. Life goes on, life moves forwards as it does, as it should. It does so with the knowledge that wrapped around me is something unbreakable.

In bright red dance shoes, my Lily leads me through the dance of life. Still smiling, still laughing, she turns, smiles and with a wiggle of her hips she leads the way back to the light of living life anew.

I was in Skye for the anniversay of Lily's funeral. Overlooking the Sound of Sleat, my lass flies free.

[drivin_me_nuts]

I've never heard that song before.

Beautiful words. Very true.

Thank you for posting NDA.

[drivin_me_nuts]

taaffy said:

Russell I don't know you and have only found this thread this morning.
Your wife must have been a very special person from some of the comments that I have read from people who did know her.
My wife recently had to undergo tests and a biopsy for possible cervical cancer and it was the most harrowing period of my life.
We lost her mother to cancer and so we feared the worst for her.
Until the tests proved negative I pondered the future and as you have said it takes you to some dark places.
Luckily for us it worked out fine.
It has though made us far more appreciative of each other and at 45 yrs realise that we need to make every day count.

I am humbled by your strength and wish you all the best for the future.

Indeed she was

Very special in so many ways. Lily was strong willed, determined, resourceful, compassionate and understanding, funny, clever, so very brave and a huge huge part of my life. Lily was without doubt, the better part of me , the better part of Lily and Russell.



Thank you all for your kind words and taking the time to remember us. I have not been back to this thread for a while now and I have only just seen these latest posting, so I feel somewhat foolish at being late in responding to all your kind words and for remembering Lily.

Two years have gone so fast. I look at Lily's picture every day and as time goes by my thoughts both of and about her have changed from grief to ones so slightly different. I wrote on the morning of the anniversary of her death these words on my FB page.

...


It seems hard to believe that today is the second anniversary of Lily’s death. Two years have passed in the blink of an eye…. and yet seem to have taken an eternity of time.

It’s hard to describe the feelings of those times. In the weeks coming up to Lily’s death, we had scant few precious moments together when something did not need to be done, or some pressing medical aspect did not need attending to. But in those precious, precious moments, we shared time together in a way that really mattered. Lily would smile and I would laugh as I told her some silly made up story of her teddies and she would write upon my arm I love you. I would smile and kiss her forehead and her eyes would sparkle in a way that spoke so very much. She would shrug her shoulders and twitch her nose and then something of my lass that were never far away – the parts of Lily that cancer could never steal, would emerge once again.

In the days before her death we spoke and wrote a great deal of things, mostly private and they shall remain for ever ours alone, but of those, two things I will share. One is her need to die quietly and away from those who would feel it most keenly and never be able to resolve the potential nightmare ending that was a distinct and real possibility. It is a great shame that those who bemoan ‘rights’, lack the understanding to appreciate that her needs came first and foremost and in choosing that path, spared them a greater horror.

One quiet day maybe a week before Lily died, I asked her about her early life in Abadan (Iran). She smiled a big smile and she spoke the words; parties and swimming and water polo and she remembered her dear friend Afshin and the countless others who made her life exciting and full of laughter. In those so precious moments, when I reminded her of the stories she had told me over the years, I got something back; it was the profound realisation that life is more than the sum parts of achievements, however great. It is the interactions and the waves and circles we make in the lives of others. In those moments of laughter, my loss was both lessened and yet made more profound. It is the ripples we make in the lives of others that are a measure of the affection in which we are remembered.

And today, on this day, where the ripples in my life are felt so keenly as saw toothed waves, I sit here and reflect upon how lucky we were to have her, so lucky that she gave her precious time with us and cared and laughed and shared and inspired and motivated and loved.

Once again I thank you all, from the bottom of my heart for all the kindness and compassion you showed us back then and me now. Life does indeed move on, it has to. Lily was a great believer in personal development. She used to say ‘what can you learn from this?’ even through the worst adversities of war and terror, she used to say the same thing. For me, now, what I have I learned from all this; that love endures, that it remains inside as long as you want it to; that grief never leaves you, rather than anything else, it just changes shape and form and over time become a more malleable negotiated position and that life is best lived away from those who would pour their turbulent vessel of unresolved misery upon you… but more than anything else, that it’s your life, so grasp it with both hands and don’t let go of the parts that really matter - don’t let them slip through the gaps of day to day dramas and frustrations. A toast to you Lida, Bache Abadani through and through; in chai for now, but a margarita later

To a life lived and ripples that endure for ever in the hearts and minds of a great many.

Russell

[drivin_me_nuts]

Hello.

Odd way to start a post perhaps, but it seems a hello seems more polite than just jumping in.

For some time now I have wanted to write a thread update as it has been well over two years since the death of my lass. Needless to say that for some reading this thread, it will be the first time you’ve seen it, for others, a thread that is perhaps in many ways, unwontedly ‘familiar’.

But, it’s my thread, created at a time when life in so many ways fell off a cliff and it needs updating to say what happens when you climb back to the top of the cliff again…



… and you do. Well, I did. I’m not in the same place, it’s not the same cliff, but life has, for so many reasons become something else and something that now has many more good days than bad; a life moving forwards,

When my lass were first diagnosed with cancer, the bigger part of me knew, from the first moment we went in to hospital that she was going to die. It’s hard to explain the rationale behind it – but a part of me I guess had collected all the ‘evidence’ of the severity of her condition and the realist and the pragmatist in me knew that it was going to be one hell of a battle and one that, considering the initial grading of her tumour was going to have a very poor prognosis.

That in itself is something that as a partner is very hard to process. It has been without doubt the hardest thing I have ever done in my life – to watch the sometimes gradual decline but more often, shocking catastrophes and horrible process of cancer at work. By the time some of those lovely peoples came to see my lass on our car day, the transformation made by cancer had totally transformed by lass’ finer delicate features into someone who looked completely different. What happened over the last weeks was the same again – the previous five months of cellular damage compressed into three weeks.

it was very hard to watch and in truth, as much as we coped and as much as I received incredible support from many wonderful resources, the end, when it came left me completely alone and completely shocked.

Shock… it’s a word that can only sometimes be understood in the context of looking back with the benefit of elapsed time. I think at times many of my actions and behaviours were born of the deep and profound trauma that followed. I would say that it took me at least a year before I even realised how I felt and what was happening to me.

I went back to work after three months – I have a job where I teach for a consulting company and when I stood at the front of the classroom I felt so vulnerable and exposed. (Fortunately for me I’ve been doing it long enough for it to be an automatic process), but those days of coming home at the end of the day to an empty house were very painful.

But… time does indeed move on and you have really got no choice but to follow with it. I could have become pretty much a recluse and let what had happened to me mar the rest of my life – and there are stories of many men who, when their wives and partners die, become just that; recluses who let themselves go.

In part I did for a while. I became a ‘mental recluse’, switching off from all those around me. In part it was a process involving ‘licking deep wounds’, but it was also a need to be away from people who, even with the best of intentions could not help themselves from saying things that were a constant and cruel reminder to the loss and stress I had been through – sometimes, people can indeed be really thick.

There comes a time in loss though when you do wake up and the world does start to look and feel different. For some it is like a switch, for me it has been more a day-to-day nibbling away at the pain of loss until life feels more like ‘life’.

I have received so much incredible support from PH friends. There are so many who I am so grateful for, from those who came one sunny day with their noisy cars, to those who to this day are happy to see me when I turn up with my very un PH car to all sorts of events. But to my very special friends, thank you for helping me turn a corner on life. Lamborari man – you know who you are; cheers bud, you more than most helped me turn a profound corner.



My lass spent her professional career working with cancer. She said to me countless times, ‘Russell, it’s just a process. Get beyond the fear of that and you will be fine.’

I did – I was continually processing that thought when she was alive and more so after she died. I finally understand what she meant…

… You see, when Cancer strikes those you love, you have a choice. You can run (part of you might well run), you can hide (and part of you might well hide), but sooner, or later, you have to face the numerous ‘gifts’ it brings.

Those ‘gifts’... and they really are gifts (in crap packaging as my lass would say) are that of facing up to what scares you most. You can do it humbly, you can do it with humility, with grace and incredible composure as my beautiful lass did, you can come out fighting, kicking and screaming – do what ever is right for you, but know this. For me, I learned to nurse, to care, to change dressings, to carry, to support, to be a constant aide and companion. It took me to places I never thought I could or should ever go. But in al that…

… better to look it square in the eye and say ‘fk you, you are not going to fk my life over. You will NOT win.’

… after you begin to take that belief in to yourself, you begin to realise that the cancer ‘killer’ isn’t actually the cancer, it’s us letting it win over us. It’s how it impacts our lives AFTER it’s swept through reeking it’s havoc. At times, I let it win and I felt that I let my lass down and I let myself be so consumed in terror. Other times I WIN! and life afterwards is indeed an upward journey and all journeys have their days of three steps forwards and five steps backwards.

I have been blessed in so many ways. I am blessed to be alive, I am blessed to have been loved and actually to be loved today by a completely potty mad and lovely woman who understands more than ever I could have wanted in someone, what cancer is, does and has meant to both me and those around me.

We live our lives day by day. I sit here typing this with the sensation of the cancer monster standing behind me. It is big, black, hideous, dripping malcontent and grief. Yet, when I go out in to the sun, smile at my lass’ favourite Acer tree in the spring sunshine and remember how looking at that one tree made my lass’ eyed come alive with joy, that monster is instantly dispelled. The monster is my making and mine to dispel. I own it. It does not own me. It did for a while, at the beginning I lived in terror of it, but it got well and truly put in its place as nothing more than an irritation.

For those walking the cancer path, I salute you. From the bottom of my heart I do. For those who walk my path like mine of loss, and we are legion; yes we grieve, we feel that deep loss, but oh yes, do we remember and know this… we also live. We don’t just do it in memory for those now we love now gone. We do it for us. We do it because we can and because we should. We are the ones who fk cancer. We are the survivors who stand and face it down. We are the ones who live our lives and love again and laugh again and dance and sing and celebrate again and look around at all that we could be and say ‘this is me.

We are the ones who scream in it’s face; ‘You took something from me but fk you, you still lose.’

The cancer path has so many stones on the road. It is indeed so like the yellow brick road with many red mushrooms. But we are not Dorothy and this is not a fairy story. This is life. For those who stood and watched and kissed good bye, I salute you. For those who have risen from their place of grief and live again, all credit to you. It’s a long hard, painful road. But believe me, it’s so worth it.