Older parents - dealing with stubborn Dads!

Older parents - dealing with stubborn Dads!

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Ken Figenus

Original Poster:

5,678 posts

116 months

Wednesday 9th March 2016
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Many of you will have been here before but how did you deal with elderly parents who dig their heels in about solutions to help their care, health and well-being? Well I say parents but its my Dad - refuses to move closer to us so we can help him (he is 150 miles away - we had the bungalow lined up locally and everything) and importantly my Mum (who would move down at the drop of a hat) and is very sprightly but is turning into a carer and feels rather trapped. He even refuses to move his bed downstairs to the 'parlour' and refuses to use a walker despite regularly falling. Everyone they know is either elderly themselves or dead but they do get a bit of home help. But if they were nearer to me and my family we could see them daily and help in all matters let alone give my mum a break. Healthcare (other than GP) is a regular 90 mile round trip for an octagenarian (in a DSG Turbo Golf smile ) as NHS have closed all local hospitals - it would be 2 miles with us and I'd drive him to the b door...

I've warned him, bluntly, out of frustration, that other solutions for caring for him are far less pleasant and not what we want. He mentioned putting a gun to his head! Arghhh!

So any tips gents as all I get from mates is sympathy and I need practical solutions or at least mates that will bundle him, his crossword and his favourite armchair in the back of a van and drive him down!

anomiepete

868 posts

205 months

Wednesday 9th March 2016
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My dad is 88 years old and lost mum 19 months ago. He then broke his hip a year ago and can be very stubborn. I usually 1) allow him to define issues and then reflect back that to confirm that this is, in fact a problem, and then offer always more then one option as a solution. For for example, he is in hospital now and wants to come home and I "clarified" with him whether he wants to come home even though he can't get out of bed by himself or wants to get as good as he can be physically first. Luckily for me he chose the latter. But, if at the end of the day, dad chooses something I disagree with even after exploring all the pitfalls, I will support that choice (even if it kills him).

Ken Figenus

Original Poster:

5,678 posts

116 months

Wednesday 9th March 2016
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Interesting mate. I see it as role reversal - kid becomes parent. Preventing harm has to come first as they heal so slowly and, like a kid, don't even see danger and have a preference to preferring set ways/no upheaval/no change. I'll probably be the same/worse!

anonymous-user

53 months

Wednesday 9th March 2016
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You can take a horse to water.....

Assuming they are still of sound mind there is really nothing you can do. My dad is 81 and my mum 80, both live about 2 hours from me but they have all their friends in their village and so will stay until they physically cannot cope. I will support them in all that until they really do need help and need to be persuaded to move near me.

Olf

11,974 posts

217 months

Wednesday 9th March 2016
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If he's anything like my Dad it won't make any difference and he'll live and die under his terms. And frankly not really making any allowance for how miserable he made my mum whilst doing it. Some people can cannot be negotiated with. Best thing to do is to let him get on with it and spend the effort on your mum instead - which will be difficult.

It's an impossible situation and threatening him with a stay in a horrible home isn't going to help at all.

Ken Figenus

Original Poster:

5,678 posts

116 months

Wednesday 9th March 2016
quotequote all
garyhun said:
You can take a horse to water.....

Assuming they are still of sound mind there is really nothing you can do. My dad is 81 and my mum 80, both live about 2 hours from me but they have all their friends in their village and so will stay until they physically cannot cope. I will support them in all that until they really do need help and need to be persuaded to move near me.
He's 8 years older than your mate and that point of coping looms ever near... Which is why I am trying to avoid crisis management! Now good luck with that 'persuasion' - its proving impossible for me.

surveyor

17,768 posts

183 months

Wednesday 9th March 2016
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My grandfather died last year at 99 years old.

He was a stubborn retired gp who insisted he was not going to move close to the family.

Eventually some close friends helped out and their daughter worked as his carer.

The distance was sad though.

Ken Figenus

Original Poster:

5,678 posts

116 months

Wednesday 9th March 2016
quotequote all
Olf said:
If he's anything like my Dad it won't make any difference and he'll live and die under his terms. And frankly not really making any allowance for how miserable he made my mum whilst doing it. Some people can cannot be negotiated with. Best thing to do is to let him get on with it and spend the effort on your mum instead - which will be difficult.

It's an impossible situation and threatening him with a stay in a horrible home isn't going to help at all.
Olf - very similar, this is really more about my Mum...

He's a great chap never ever has been selfish or stubborn (quite a role model in fact, a gentleman, RAF etc) - but age takes its toll on the mindset and now she cant leave him to come for a break with us and to enjoy the grandkids she adores (he doesn't really want to leave home so wont come). Which relates to the point in a post above - care home is not a threat its a reality that could be avoided if we get him near us, in a bungalow. I don't threaten my lovely dad - but we have to talk truths/reality. Not that it made much b difference - some dementia doesnt help the rationality sadly.

Antony Moxey

8,016 posts

218 months

Wednesday 9th March 2016
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I know this sounds incredibly harsh and uncaring but is it worth pointing out to him what an utterly selfish b*****d he's being to everyone, especially your mum?

Backtobasics

1,182 posts

182 months

Wednesday 9th March 2016
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My dad lives half an hour away, my mum died a few years ago and he wont move because he says his memories are wrapped in the house and if he goes he'll lose them, he thinks he'll be a burden. Cant argue with that sadly. Luckily I work round the corner so can stop by in the week. I think from your perspective its going to have to be another proper family sit down, if he says no you'll just have to respect it until something happens to re evaluate

pc.iow

1,879 posts

202 months

Wednesday 9th March 2016
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Antony Moxey said:
I know this sounds incredibly harsh and uncaring but is it worth pointing out to him what an utterly selfish b*****d he's being to everyone, especially your mum?
That's what i've done, apart from the Mum bit, she left the building at my age, 52.

I've told him he's no good to me or the family dead.
Seventy two and still working 5 or 6 days a week in his business.
He keeps on about leaving us all 'comfortable'.
I've told him i'll squander everything he leaves me if he puts himself there before his time.
I wasnt easy.
This is my karma.

Huntsman

8,028 posts

249 months

Wednesday 9th March 2016
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Antony Moxey said:
I know this sounds incredibly harsh and uncaring but is it worth pointing out to him what an utterly selfish b*****d he's being to everyone, especially your mum?
Perhaps the OP should up sticks and move to nearby his 'rents. One presumes his parents did masses for him in the past, time to return the favour?

Ken Figenus

Original Poster:

5,678 posts

116 months

Wednesday 9th March 2016
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Antony Moxey said:
I know this sounds incredibly harsh and uncaring but is it worth pointing out to him what an utterly selfish b*****d he's being to everyone, especially your mum?
Marriage is a partnership but its all about him, and him only. So again I have had these difficult words. But as I say, nothing tucks. Nothing.

Re post suggesting we move to the sticks as a 'thanks' smile My family/livelyhood/lifestyle/3 businesses/home/schooling & kids count too. We would lose everything if we jacked it all in, they would lose nothing except familiarity of surroundings. My mum has her bag packed already for a buzzier more varied and easier lifestyle, and seeing her grandkids daily (albeit with worse views)!

If I'm honest I want to hear someone say "we took dad out for a Sunday lunch and the removals van followed and he ended up happily living next to his living family after a little initial upset"! Sequestrado!

Bungleaio

6,324 posts

201 months

Wednesday 9th March 2016
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Huntsman said:
Perhaps the OP should up sticks and move to nearby his 'rents. One presumes his parents did masses for him in the past, time to return the favour?
Thats sort of what I'm doing for my dad. Mum passed a couple of years ago and my dads gone from his mum doing everything to my mum doing it. He went to work and looked after the house and garden. Not his fault thats what his generation did I guess.

He's good at the cleaning and ironing but hasn't got a clue about cooking and doesn't take much interest in doing it. I'm teaching him slowly but it's not easy so until he can do a reasonable amount I'm living with him. I'd love my own place with my girlfriend but it's not going to happen for a while. Luckily she understands.

s2sol

1,223 posts

170 months

Wednesday 9th March 2016
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My wife and I have parents living in Worcestershire and County Durham. We live just north of Bristol. We're planning to move to Derbyshire to make it as easy as possible for them to stay where they have lived for the majority of their lives, have built relationships that our generation don't, and want to stay.

I believe it is enormously arrogant to expect your parents to uproot their lives to live nearer you. You presumably left where they live to make your own life, yet you now expect them to move to where you are to suit you.

chilistrucker

4,541 posts

150 months

Wednesday 9th March 2016
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Bungleaio said:
Thats sort of what I'm doing for my dad. Mum passed a couple of years ago and my dads gone from his mum doing everything to my mum doing it. He went to work and looked after the house and garden. Not his fault thats what his generation did I guess.

He's good at the cleaning and ironing but hasn't got a clue about cooking and doesn't take much interest in doing it. I'm teaching him slowly but it's not easy so until he can do a reasonable amount I'm living with him. I'd love my own place with my girlfriend but it's not going to happen for a while. Luckily she understands.
Top man clap
Had a similar thing. When we lost my mum, my dad was pretty good health wise, and luckily a very independent man. He could do everything for himself, cooking, cleaning, washing etc. Sadly though a couple of years down the line he got quite ill himself, (he was never quite the same after losing mum) so i jacked in my job and moved in with him so as he could keep his independence for as long as poss. It was hard at times, both financially and emotionally but i'd do it all again tomorrow to have him back. He was the greatest man i ever knew, and as hard as those days were at times, it was great to spend some real top quality time with him.

Impasse

15,099 posts

240 months

Wednesday 9th March 2016
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Antony Moxey said:
I know this sounds incredibly harsh and uncaring but is it worth pointing out to him what an utterly selfish b*****d he's being to everyone, especially your mum?
If my daughter ever talks to me in that way I'll tell her to mind her own business.

AlexC1981

4,904 posts

216 months

Wednesday 9th March 2016
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Ken Figenus said:
..... Well I say parents but its my Dad - refuses to move closer to us so we can help him (he is 150 miles away - we had the bungalow lined up locally and everything)....
My parents bought my grandparents a bungalow in the late 70s/early 80s. They could not get them to move either! 25 years on, after my grandfather passed away and my grandmother was in her mid-90s she had a couple of falls and had to spend a while in hospital. My mum and uncle had to trick her into a nursing home by saying it was only temporary while she recovered from the fall. All she ever talked about when we visited was when she could go home.

I suspect the same thing is going to happen to your father sadly. Moving closer to him might be the only way to avoid this scenario. Or it might be easier to convince him to move in with you if you have room. Maybe you could get a bigger place or somewhere with an annex?


Ken Figenus

Original Poster:

5,678 posts

116 months

Wednesday 9th March 2016
quotequote all
AlexC1981 said:
My parents bought my grandparents a bungalow in the late 70s/early 80s. They could not get them to move either! 25 years on, after my grandfather passed away and my grandmother was in her mid-90s she had a couple of falls and had to spend a while in hospital. My mum and uncle had to trick her into a nursing home by saying it was only temporary while she recovered from the fall. All she ever talked about when we visited was when she could go home.

I suspect the same thing is going to happen to your father sadly. Moving closer to him might be the only way to avoid this scenario. Or it might be easier to convince him to move in with you if you have room. Maybe you could get a bigger place or somewhere with an annex?
Hi Alex - I actually have had the plans drawn after the bungalow idea fell through as a 'plan b'. Would love to press 'go'! The issue is the moving itself not the space - he loves seeing 'his' mountains when he wakes up. Their joint wellbeing is more of a concern to me than a view they have seen 5000 times...

Ken Figenus

Original Poster:

5,678 posts

116 months

Wednesday 9th March 2016
quotequote all
s2sol said:
I believe it is enormously arrogant to expect your parents to uproot their lives to live nearer you. You presumably left where they live to make your own life, yet you now expect them to move to where you are to suit you.
I suspect you are new to such issues, like me, but I think in the bigger scheme of the world/life when an individual doesn't actually leave the house/drive/socialise anyomre, the family care, compassion and support factor is far more important than where the usual armchair and TV are... Especially when the massively negative impact of any relocation for one working family far outweighs the relocation impact for the retirees. I appreciate you may see that as selfish, but its hardly arrogant. And all views (whether I like them or not) are good as I'm in a right pickle.