Discussion
As ever, what is a wedding without a bit of drama! Fortunately its not from the other half.
Its my Mother.
The backstory...
My parents had been married for 30 years, not a happy marriage by all accounts with plenty of infidelity (all hidden from me)but anyway it finally came to a head 3 years ago when my Dad eventually left my Mum for a new woman.
As far as I'm concerned this is the best situation as my Dad is now happier than I have ever seen him and thanks to the divorce my Mum is set for life and not having to put up with my Dad buggering about any more.
So Me and Mrs Will to be are getting married in 29 days, been engaged nearly a year but been an item for over 10.
All parents on both sides are invited. Her family no problems. My Dad has taken a bit of coercing to come for fear of drama and initially there would have been nobody for him to sit with so we said he could bring his other half. She also expressed nerves about coming and both are worried about my Mum kicking off, there is previous for this. They have said they are happy to be tucked well out of the way and keep themselves to themselves for the day and I believe they mean it and wont cause a problem as they understand its a one shot day and it means a lot to me and my OH.
My Mum was never happy about this and demanded that if my Dad was bringing someone she should be allowed a +1 so we said fine and she is bringing her best friend so everyone is happy.
Both my parents have been married before I came along so I have a step bro and sis on my Mums side and 2 step bros and a sis on my dads side.
Initially it was just the bro and sis on my Mums side that were invited as they were the two I grew up with. Kids on my dads side being older or living with their mum and currently living further away so dont see them often.
Sis on my mums side happy to come and be normal. My bro however showed a level of maturity I didnt think he had and said that he knows he can't trust himself around my Dad (they have had major issues in the past and my parents divorce has topped things off) so he said he wont come for our sake, excluding all of his family bar 1 daughter who likes me and my OH who will be coming with my sis.
After a while I thought its a long shot but I shouldnt just assume my other siblings wouldnt want to come based on their location so fired them invites and surprisingly 2 of them are coming.
My Mum has always got on well with them.
So fast forward to yesterday and I let my Mum know that other bro n sis were coming and that I am borrowing one of my Dads and his OHs cars at the moment for my stag do road trip as mine still has its engine out, its on my insurance and so if she could avoid vandalising it as it would be me paying and not doing him any harm.
I got the s
ttiest email I have ever had from her then unannounced she came to my house last night. I opened the door and she barges her way in and proceeds to scream the place down at me and my OH, good job it was only the dog that got scared and that we dont have any kids.
Anyway she seems to think that we are doing nothing but to try and hurt her, how dare I do this n that. My bro and sis on my dads side are now assholes who shouldn't be there despite having done or said nothing wrong, I shouldn't have the car and loads of other bks that she previously hasn't voiced a problem about.
Essentially there was no talking her round or calming her down. Every accusation she had against us we had a perfectly reasonable explanation for or she was just plain wrong with her accusation. Kept saying how she is sacrificing so much for this ,because apparently behaving like an adult and not ruining your sons wedding is too much of a sacrifice.
We told her that if her or her best friend kick off even the slightest they will both be ejected having ruined they day.
She thinks that no matter how much she kicks off we wont do anything and seems to find the idea of causing a scene or violence on the day quite funny and plans to get as drunk as possible (because my Dad is paying for the booze) then said if we do throw her out it will be the last we see of her.
It seems the only thing that may stop her being a monumental dick is if we tell my Dad's OH not to come but we still worry she will see red when she sees my Dad anyway as its been a bitter divorce although she has very much come out on top.
(I think she might have a touch of Stockholm syndrome as she never has anything nice to say about and will do anything to hurt my Dad and he has been an ass for the bast part of 30 years but she still loves him.
I personally think we should get her some counselling about this.)
After an hour she eventually ran out of steam and stormed off. I went after her to try and calm her down a bit and give her a lift home (in my OHs car) as she had walked over and it was dark and windy now but she wouldnt let me.
I did txt and call to make sure she got home ok, got no reply on the txt but when I caller her house phone it was engaged so she obviously made it and was probably on the phone to my sis. Not had a word from her today.
So apologies for the longest post ever but over to the wisdom of PH, anyone been here before?
TLDR;
Mum is threatening to ruin my wedding unless my Dad or a the least his OH are uninvited
What would you do? Tell my Mum not to show if she cant guarantee good behaviour? Tell my Dad or his OH they now cant come? Any other ideas welcome. Obviously any drama will be put on Youtube for the world to laugh at and maybe generate some revenue to recoup costs
As a bonus question. My Mum was supposed to be going on the OHs hen do next weekend. Should she be booted off that too if she even still wants to go as its going to be mighty awkward for my OH such a short time after yesterdays argument and probably a bit frosty with everyone else on the hen do as obviously they are my OHs friends and family.
Its my Mother.
The backstory...
My parents had been married for 30 years, not a happy marriage by all accounts with plenty of infidelity (all hidden from me)but anyway it finally came to a head 3 years ago when my Dad eventually left my Mum for a new woman.
As far as I'm concerned this is the best situation as my Dad is now happier than I have ever seen him and thanks to the divorce my Mum is set for life and not having to put up with my Dad buggering about any more.
So Me and Mrs Will to be are getting married in 29 days, been engaged nearly a year but been an item for over 10.
All parents on both sides are invited. Her family no problems. My Dad has taken a bit of coercing to come for fear of drama and initially there would have been nobody for him to sit with so we said he could bring his other half. She also expressed nerves about coming and both are worried about my Mum kicking off, there is previous for this. They have said they are happy to be tucked well out of the way and keep themselves to themselves for the day and I believe they mean it and wont cause a problem as they understand its a one shot day and it means a lot to me and my OH.
My Mum was never happy about this and demanded that if my Dad was bringing someone she should be allowed a +1 so we said fine and she is bringing her best friend so everyone is happy.
Both my parents have been married before I came along so I have a step bro and sis on my Mums side and 2 step bros and a sis on my dads side.
Initially it was just the bro and sis on my Mums side that were invited as they were the two I grew up with. Kids on my dads side being older or living with their mum and currently living further away so dont see them often.
Sis on my mums side happy to come and be normal. My bro however showed a level of maturity I didnt think he had and said that he knows he can't trust himself around my Dad (they have had major issues in the past and my parents divorce has topped things off) so he said he wont come for our sake, excluding all of his family bar 1 daughter who likes me and my OH who will be coming with my sis.
After a while I thought its a long shot but I shouldnt just assume my other siblings wouldnt want to come based on their location so fired them invites and surprisingly 2 of them are coming.
My Mum has always got on well with them.
So fast forward to yesterday and I let my Mum know that other bro n sis were coming and that I am borrowing one of my Dads and his OHs cars at the moment for my stag do road trip as mine still has its engine out, its on my insurance and so if she could avoid vandalising it as it would be me paying and not doing him any harm.
I got the s
ttiest email I have ever had from her then unannounced she came to my house last night. I opened the door and she barges her way in and proceeds to scream the place down at me and my OH, good job it was only the dog that got scared and that we dont have any kids.Anyway she seems to think that we are doing nothing but to try and hurt her, how dare I do this n that. My bro and sis on my dads side are now assholes who shouldn't be there despite having done or said nothing wrong, I shouldn't have the car and loads of other b
ks that she previously hasn't voiced a problem about.Essentially there was no talking her round or calming her down. Every accusation she had against us we had a perfectly reasonable explanation for or she was just plain wrong with her accusation. Kept saying how she is sacrificing so much for this ,because apparently behaving like an adult and not ruining your sons wedding is too much of a sacrifice.
We told her that if her or her best friend kick off even the slightest they will both be ejected having ruined they day.
She thinks that no matter how much she kicks off we wont do anything and seems to find the idea of causing a scene or violence on the day quite funny and plans to get as drunk as possible (because my Dad is paying for the booze) then said if we do throw her out it will be the last we see of her.
It seems the only thing that may stop her being a monumental dick is if we tell my Dad's OH not to come but we still worry she will see red when she sees my Dad anyway as its been a bitter divorce although she has very much come out on top.
(I think she might have a touch of Stockholm syndrome as she never has anything nice to say about and will do anything to hurt my Dad and he has been an ass for the bast part of 30 years but she still loves him.
I personally think we should get her some counselling about this.)
After an hour she eventually ran out of steam and stormed off. I went after her to try and calm her down a bit and give her a lift home (in my OHs car) as she had walked over and it was dark and windy now but she wouldnt let me.
I did txt and call to make sure she got home ok, got no reply on the txt but when I caller her house phone it was engaged so she obviously made it and was probably on the phone to my sis. Not had a word from her today.
So apologies for the longest post ever but over to the wisdom of PH, anyone been here before?
TLDR;
Mum is threatening to ruin my wedding unless my Dad or a the least his OH are uninvited
What would you do? Tell my Mum not to show if she cant guarantee good behaviour? Tell my Dad or his OH they now cant come? Any other ideas welcome. Obviously any drama will be put on Youtube for the world to laugh at and maybe generate some revenue to recoup costs
As a bonus question. My Mum was supposed to be going on the OHs hen do next weekend. Should she be booted off that too if she even still wants to go as its going to be mighty awkward for my OH such a short time after yesterdays argument and probably a bit frosty with everyone else on the hen do as obviously they are my OHs friends and family.
I would be tempted to just un-invite all of them. Let them then think about what they've done and hopefully learn from it. It sounds like it would be unlikely you'd get through the day without someone kicking off, and your soon-to-be wife might be on side just now with inviting them, that will change if one of your family members fks it up for her.
ks it up for her. On your wedding day, regardless of any problems, I'm sure that they will behave like adults in front of you and for the important bits. If they want to duke it out in the carpark away from what you can see, I wouldn't give a st, let them get on with it.
This is what a best man is for.
t, let them get on with it.This is what a best man is for.
Henners said:
Remind her:
Tried all that, didnt go down well. She says "Its my sons wedding I should be deciding whats happening" has even called it her day previously.- It is your wedding, not hers.
- She sound act her age.
TIGA84 said:
This is what a best man is for.
The best man is 6'5 and 18 st and one of my ushers is a bodybuilder/ firearms cop so we should be ok on crowd control, might ask him to bring a taser 
RB Will said:
Tried all that, didnt go down well. She says "Its my sons wedding I should be deciding whats happening" has even called it her day previously.
If she really won't listen, just tell her its all off because of her, and her alone.Let her think for a few minutes. If you really want her to be pissed off, suggest she isn't in the strongest position to weigh in on marriage
99% chance though she'll wind her neck in on the day.
Obviously your mum has major issues with your dad, yes it sounds as though he hasn't been the best husband (my dad was the same), however the issue is between your mum and your dad and is nothing to do with you.
I wouldn't be surprised if she is just letting off years of frustration, upset, hurt, rejection and embarrassment and as you are effectively going to be bringing them together after the divorce you are bearing the brunt of it all.
I would give her a week to calm down and go and have a chat to her, see how she is etc and see how she feels about her outburst, I would imagine once she has calmed down she will be mortified and embarrassed and all will be well and rosy.
However if she is still angry and suggesting she will kick off, as hard as it will be I would tell her that she is no longer welcome at the wedding and the only person that she can blame is herself.
I wouldn't be surprised if she is just letting off years of frustration, upset, hurt, rejection and embarrassment and as you are effectively going to be bringing them together after the divorce you are bearing the brunt of it all.
I would give her a week to calm down and go and have a chat to her, see how she is etc and see how she feels about her outburst, I would imagine once she has calmed down she will be mortified and embarrassed and all will be well and rosy.
However if she is still angry and suggesting she will kick off, as hard as it will be I would tell her that she is no longer welcome at the wedding and the only person that she can blame is herself.
My wedding day was a bit awkward with divorcees being in the same room, we mentioned to each of them that the other was being so grown up and diplomatic that it almost became a competition to see who would behave the best, it all worked out perfectly and we even got photos of them all together
HTP99 said:
I would give her a week to calm down and go and have a chat to her, see how she is etc and see how she feels about her outburst, I would imagine once she has calmed down she will be mortified and embarrassed and all will be well and rosy.
OP, you could try the ultra nice approach.Send her some flowers with a message that "you will always be my mum and I want to talk this through like adults"
Or...
Offer a compromise? How about a second "private" wedding party with her and her friends, etc?
Alternatively, the line in the sand approach... you will be there you will behave, you will no ruin our day - if you want a scrap, do it outside. It's not your day. etc
Or passive aggressive... "Well mum, you need to behave how you brought me up to behave, conscious of not hurting those around you, etc. You did teach me those things, didn't you, mum?" etc
DUMBO100 said:
My wedding day was a bit awkward with divorcees being in the same room, we mentioned to each of them that the other was being so grown up and diplomatic that it almost became a competition to see who would behave the best, it all worked out perfectly and we even got photos of them all together
Hi mate 
(my sister in law was one of G's bridesmaids, that should let you work it out)If I were you, I would just continue doing what you're doing, and virtually ignore everything your mother has said. But obviously it needs to be clear to her that any deviant behaviour at the Hen do or wedding will not be tolerated.
It's a shame your mum is kicking off, issuing ultimatums etc. But it's your day and you will do as you see fit.
It's a shame your mum is kicking off, issuing ultimatums etc. But it's your day and you will do as you see fit.
Speaking to the OH the current plan of action is that her dad is going to have a calm chat with my mum at the weekend.
I think she thinks that its all a bit of a joke and that she will get away with doing what she likes hopefully intervention from someone else might make her realise that we are not joking when we say people will throw her out if she misbehaves.
As someone else mentioned about having the wedding abroad to avoid hassle. That was my plan. To go to Iceland or Norway but the OH wants her family and friends there so she is paying for the day here. Just feel that we have to then invite all family rather than just hers.
I think she thinks that its all a bit of a joke and that she will get away with doing what she likes hopefully intervention from someone else might make her realise that we are not joking when we say people will throw her out if she misbehaves.
As someone else mentioned about having the wedding abroad to avoid hassle. That was my plan. To go to Iceland or Norway but the OH wants her family and friends there so she is paying for the day here. Just feel that we have to then invite all family rather than just hers.
Your two big fellas + strait jacket as a threat, then a reality if she kicks off.
I really don't see your admirably placatory attitude working with her. Sorry, seen so much of this as wedding photographer and limo driver...
Watch "Staggered" starring Martin Clunes for the ultimate ste wedding!!
I really don't see your admirably placatory attitude working with her. Sorry, seen so much of this as wedding photographer and limo driver...
Watch "Staggered" starring Martin Clunes for the ultimate s
te wedding!!
It sounds like your Mum is simply looking at your wedding as an opportunity to get back at your Dad, totally ignoring the purpose of your day.
Irrational, petty and stupid, but don't underestimate how much the treat of her kicking off will ruin your day. Its a wedding, a happy day and you simply do not need anything brewing which could spoil it.
You need to go and see her and speak to her, tell her that you can't risk her kicking off so unless she can convince you that she's going to play nice for your sake, tell her that her actions mean she simply can not be there.
Better to have an empty seat on a happy day than a room full of tension.
Irrational, petty and stupid, but don't underestimate how much the treat of her kicking off will ruin your day. Its a wedding, a happy day and you simply do not need anything brewing which could spoil it.
You need to go and see her and speak to her, tell her that you can't risk her kicking off so unless she can convince you that she's going to play nice for your sake, tell her that her actions mean she simply can not be there.
Better to have an empty seat on a happy day than a room full of tension.
Puggit said:
My mum and stepmum danced together to Waterloo at my sister's wedding 
I envy you lol.My friend's Mum and Dad are divorced and they and their new partners often go out for meals together and get along fine. I have a couple of friends coming to the wedding who are ex partners and have no problem being around their ex, even on my OHs side there is a couple that used to be married that have no problem with being around each other. Just bloody typical that its my parents that are the bother.
Anyone have any thoughts on the hen do situation?
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