Wife is a menace on the road...what to do?
Discussion
derin100 said:
Now, in fairness to her, she did have an undiagnosed astigmatism as a child and has very poor eyesight in one eye and so this must clearly be impacting on her binocular vision and hence depth/distance perception.
Secondly, she has never seemed to have very good hand to eye co-ordination. You know the kind of person that is absolutely hopeless at any kind of computer game?
Thirdly, she seems to have very poor spacial awareness. Might be linked to the above two? I mean, I don't know about you but I reckon most people, if they see their spouse/partner coming towards them in their car, on a fairly empty road won't fail to notice them? I always notice her. She rarely sees me!
These are the 3 key issues I see.Secondly, she has never seemed to have very good hand to eye co-ordination. You know the kind of person that is absolutely hopeless at any kind of computer game?
Thirdly, she seems to have very poor spacial awareness. Might be linked to the above two? I mean, I don't know about you but I reckon most people, if they see their spouse/partner coming towards them in their car, on a fairly empty road won't fail to notice them? I always notice her. She rarely sees me!
First thing, is her vision being corrected properly? When did she last have an eye test and get a new prescription?
Perhaps suggest that she goes to the optician, not just for a general check up but to specifically talk about the issues she is having. It is possible that her vision has deteriorated gradually and she has not noticed.
Hand eye coordination can be improved but she has to want to do it. Either through playing sports or getting her on track or to a few skid pan sessions. This will also improve how smooth she is on the controls and also improve her forward planning.
Spacial awareness might be down to her vision but also a general lack of awareness of the size of the car. She likely sticks to the centre line of the road because it gives her an edge to follow and because she is not sure how close the other side of the car is to the edge of the road. Look at her driving position and mirror position...so many times when people have problems with parking or spacial awareness it is because they are to low, to far back, to reclined or for some reason have the wing mirrors pointed far enough in that half the view is taken up by vision of the sides of the car.
derin100 said:
Now, I've got to keep this one quiet...and if you drop me in it, Steve!
My wife has never been a good driver.
Our first argument ever, before we got married nearly 25 years ago was when, despite my advice that she was driving too close to the walls down a narrow Spanish village street, she whacked the side of the hire car against the wall of someone's house.
Yet within the above sentence lies another problem...She never takes any advice kindly. Rather, she always perceive advice (however humbly given and well intentioned) as a personal insult and slight to her very persona.
Travelling with her behind the wheel has never been a pleasant experience. Even on long journeys you'll most definitely be constantly fighting the urge to go to sleep lest seven years later you wake-up from a coma...or worse...don't wake up at all.
However, steadily over the years, it seems to be getting worse. Earlier "unease" has more recently become a white-knuckled experience on virtually every trip.
Finally, I foolishly decided to accompany her on a short 4 mile, night drive, up the fast-moving A5 to the supermarket the other night. It was absolutely horrific!
On that one short journey (at completely excessive speed for both her ability and prevailing road conditions, I might add!) she managed to:
1) Scare the living daylights out of me by braking and swerving the full width of the car, at the last second, just to avoid a rabbit in the road...with fast-moving cars right behind her.
2) Scare the living daylights out of me by constantly driving far too close to, or even over, the crown of the road (a persistent habit). So far in fact that one could actually see from the passenger seat that the gap she leaves on the near side would actually be wide enough to drive a car through to 'undertake her...a single lane road!
This is with oncoming headlights coming towards us at National Speed Limit Speeds. Thus, the minimum impact speed would be at least 120mph.
3) Scare the living daylights out of me by pulling out on to a roundabout right out in front of someone already clearly on it to her right. How the bloke managed to slow down so fast as not to T-bone her is to his credit. One only needed rudimentary lip-reading skills to understand the explitives he was hurling!
Now, in fairness to her, she did have an undiagnosed astigmatism as a child and has very poor eyesight in one eye and so this must clearly be impacting on her binocular vision and hence depth/distance perception.
Secondly, she has never seemed to have very good hand to eye co-ordination. You know the kind of person that is absolutely hopeless at any kind of computer game?
Thirdly, she seems to have very poor spacial awareness. Might be linked to the above two? I mean, I don't know about you but I reckon most people, if they see their spouse/partner coming towards them in their car, on a fairly empty road won't fail to notice them? I always notice her. She rarely sees me!
By the end of the other night's Rollercoaster experience I was thinking to myself: "Jeez...this isn't even remotely funny anymore. This is damn serious and bloody dangerous for her, other occupants and other road users!!!"
Other common and dangerous faults are:
A) Persistently driving too fast for her skills (held the record for the slowest lap ever at our local karting track); the road conditions (wet or dry makes absolutely no difference to her) or the car (old Merc 124 E320 Estate...fastish car but not very agile).
B) Driving far too close to vehicles in front and braking very late and harshly such that in the intervening few seconds one sits and wonders: "Is she going to brake at all?......BRAKE!!!!!
C) Driving on the crown of the road as we've already mentioned.
D) Persistently cutting corners on right turns across Give Way junctions. If someone was actually just coming up to the junction intending to "Give Way" at the double white lines they'd have the nose of their car sliced off.
E) Loads of other stuff
But what should I do?
At the time, I felt like reporting her to the police myself! Seems a little drastic?
Book her some driving lessons for her birthday? A bit unromantic for her 50th? Still...I did buy her a wheel-barrow for her 40th!
Book her a course with the IAM for her birthday? Ditto above?
Pray?
Many thanks in advance for advice!
Your wife is clearly Italian, if not in genetics then in spirit. Arguments for no reason and a terrible driver. The clues are all there. My wife has never been a good driver.
Our first argument ever, before we got married nearly 25 years ago was when, despite my advice that she was driving too close to the walls down a narrow Spanish village street, she whacked the side of the hire car against the wall of someone's house.
Yet within the above sentence lies another problem...She never takes any advice kindly. Rather, she always perceive advice (however humbly given and well intentioned) as a personal insult and slight to her very persona.
Travelling with her behind the wheel has never been a pleasant experience. Even on long journeys you'll most definitely be constantly fighting the urge to go to sleep lest seven years later you wake-up from a coma...or worse...don't wake up at all.
However, steadily over the years, it seems to be getting worse. Earlier "unease" has more recently become a white-knuckled experience on virtually every trip.
Finally, I foolishly decided to accompany her on a short 4 mile, night drive, up the fast-moving A5 to the supermarket the other night. It was absolutely horrific!
On that one short journey (at completely excessive speed for both her ability and prevailing road conditions, I might add!) she managed to:
1) Scare the living daylights out of me by braking and swerving the full width of the car, at the last second, just to avoid a rabbit in the road...with fast-moving cars right behind her.
2) Scare the living daylights out of me by constantly driving far too close to, or even over, the crown of the road (a persistent habit). So far in fact that one could actually see from the passenger seat that the gap she leaves on the near side would actually be wide enough to drive a car through to 'undertake her...a single lane road!
This is with oncoming headlights coming towards us at National Speed Limit Speeds. Thus, the minimum impact speed would be at least 120mph.
3) Scare the living daylights out of me by pulling out on to a roundabout right out in front of someone already clearly on it to her right. How the bloke managed to slow down so fast as not to T-bone her is to his credit. One only needed rudimentary lip-reading skills to understand the explitives he was hurling!
Now, in fairness to her, she did have an undiagnosed astigmatism as a child and has very poor eyesight in one eye and so this must clearly be impacting on her binocular vision and hence depth/distance perception.
Secondly, she has never seemed to have very good hand to eye co-ordination. You know the kind of person that is absolutely hopeless at any kind of computer game?
Thirdly, she seems to have very poor spacial awareness. Might be linked to the above two? I mean, I don't know about you but I reckon most people, if they see their spouse/partner coming towards them in their car, on a fairly empty road won't fail to notice them? I always notice her. She rarely sees me!
By the end of the other night's Rollercoaster experience I was thinking to myself: "Jeez...this isn't even remotely funny anymore. This is damn serious and bloody dangerous for her, other occupants and other road users!!!"
Other common and dangerous faults are:
A) Persistently driving too fast for her skills (held the record for the slowest lap ever at our local karting track); the road conditions (wet or dry makes absolutely no difference to her) or the car (old Merc 124 E320 Estate...fastish car but not very agile).
B) Driving far too close to vehicles in front and braking very late and harshly such that in the intervening few seconds one sits and wonders: "Is she going to brake at all?......BRAKE!!!!!
C) Driving on the crown of the road as we've already mentioned.
D) Persistently cutting corners on right turns across Give Way junctions. If someone was actually just coming up to the junction intending to "Give Way" at the double white lines they'd have the nose of their car sliced off.
E) Loads of other stuff
But what should I do?
At the time, I felt like reporting her to the police myself! Seems a little drastic?
Book her some driving lessons for her birthday? A bit unromantic for her 50th? Still...I did buy her a wheel-barrow for her 40th!
Book her a course with the IAM for her birthday? Ditto above?
Pray?
Many thanks in advance for advice!
The only solution is to go and live in Italy where she will probably be a driving god.
derin100 said:
Rather, she always perceive advice (however humbly given and well intentioned) as a personal insult and slight to her very persona.
But what should I do?
Basically, she knows she can't drive well. Her automatic response to stop you mentioning it again is to attack you whenever you bring the subject up. But what should I do?
1. Make sure she has the safest possible car with as many driver aids as you can find.
2. Always have an excuse to not be a passenger.
Alternatively, keep your wills up to date and buy her a pre-paid funeral plan as a 50th birthday present.
To be fair, the poor eyesight in one eye shouldn't be an issue, my ex was more or less blind in one eye and she was a perfectly decent and observant driver, albeit initially with a slight 'last of the late brakers' tendency that I more or less managed to get her out of.
Current girlfriend is actually very good, she's relaxed, natural, observant, her only issue is she's a bit blasé when parking and occasionally clips a low wall or kerb. The only complaint I've ever had is that she sometimes changes direction abruptly at speed when she's being assertive.
The good thing is I told her and explained why it's risky and she actually listened and stopped doing it without getting offended.
To be honest I don't think I could make a relationship last with a crap driver if I ever had to get in the car with them. I'd never be able to keep my gob shut. I can only just about manage it with my Mum for the sake of peaceful family relations and the ability to have a pint with my Dad of a weekend!
Current girlfriend is actually very good, she's relaxed, natural, observant, her only issue is she's a bit blasé when parking and occasionally clips a low wall or kerb. The only complaint I've ever had is that she sometimes changes direction abruptly at speed when she's being assertive.
The good thing is I told her and explained why it's risky and she actually listened and stopped doing it without getting offended.
To be honest I don't think I could make a relationship last with a crap driver if I ever had to get in the car with them. I'd never be able to keep my gob shut. I can only just about manage it with my Mum for the sake of peaceful family relations and the ability to have a pint with my Dad of a weekend!
My missus isn't a bad driver luckily, but she can't take criticism about anything really (like most birds I guess). Anyway if I was the OP I'd just let her know she's a menace and then when she freaks out, you freak out more until she realises she's wrong.
Basically man up, and put her straight
Basically man up, and put her straight
turboteeth said:
This is how I feel if my Mrs drives my car...I wince at every kerb and look over her shoulder at every lane change!
Tell me about it, my wife is driving again after a two year break (since she smashed up my old, battered, 306 GTI-6). Now I have to deal with her threatening to destroy my RS4 at every turn. Hill starts are getting better, but curbs, roundabouts and tight corners still present issues...
I no longer have a single uncurbed alloy. Although to be fair one of them was me.
Great thread.
My solution would be this. Get a new car with automatic emergency braking - the one that scans ahead with a radar/camera. Not just for the braking itself (although a nice back-up) but for the Beep that it emits when it reckons the closing speed to the car ahead is too fast.
Not just on posh motors. VW Up has one for around £250 extra.
Not going to help with the other problems, but if she's getting too close to the car in front she can't argue back if the car itself thinks its in danger!
My solution would be this. Get a new car with automatic emergency braking - the one that scans ahead with a radar/camera. Not just for the braking itself (although a nice back-up) but for the Beep that it emits when it reckons the closing speed to the car ahead is too fast.
Not just on posh motors. VW Up has one for around £250 extra.
Not going to help with the other problems, but if she's getting too close to the car in front she can't argue back if the car itself thinks its in danger!
WreckedGecko said:
I no longer have a single uncurbed alloy. Although to be fair one of them was me.
Sorry. But that alone would have me reaching for the phone to ring a solicitor. Divorce. Instant.I cannot stand kerbed alloys!
OP: Not sure what to suggest. My wife is actually a good driver, otherwise i wouldn't have married her. My mum on the other hand is terrible in terms of observation and generally oblivious to everyone else on the road, but at least she's steady!
Maybe your Mrs would be better in a smaller car? Something with more agility like a Mini Cooper (non-S)?
And that's a big engine in that Merc too. Must be hard to keep the speed down. Smaller, more revvy engine might help too.
It gets labelled as chauvinistic, but based on the evidence it does seem that what the OP is experiencing is by no means uncommon...
The differences in each gender's spatial awareness and such are scientifically documented, so you may well be out of luck there. If her vision is poor, she's probably (without realising) finding the whole situation a lot more difficult than is necessary, a lot more stressful, and a lot more worrying.
In any other situation in life, you wouldn't be surprised if someone feeling particularly stressed and dealing with a fairly difficult task was a little snappy in response...
Add on to that, people generally don't like being criticised, and especially not for something seen to be as simple as driving.
Now we don't know your wife's mind, is she a very confident woman who is completely comfortable in her own skin (do these even exist)? If she isn't a confident person, the criticism may well go down even worse, she may be sitting there thinking you're constantly judging her (which you are) and again, that isn't going to lead to a relaxed drive for her, exacerbating the situation. There's a whole world of amateur psychology you could delve in to, but it may be worth trying to understand the situation from her point of view (although try not to apply too much logic to it
)
Any suggestions of IAM will have to be done as a pair as an absolute minimum, alternatively perhaps you go first as was suggested. The thing is, she has to want to as everyone has said, and inspiring her to give a damn is the tough bit.
One suggestion that has worked for me is to point out fuel consumption (if she is paying for her own fuel...). Once it becomes about saving money (for shoes! ) it may then become of interest to her. Furthermore, criticise the mistakes in others, there's plenty of them about. Point out that muggins in front is following too close and having to brake all the time, and explain how as you're just hanging back a bit, you're not having to brake, and you're using way less fuel, and it's so much more relaxed.
You stand a better chance of success if you try and unite against other people's s
t driving and try to encourage driving defensively as a means of saving money and of course being safer overall. Taking on board the premise that every other car on the road could do absolutely anything at any time, no matter how stupid (at the moment she is this person for everyone else it seems) and that you, together, are taking some simple, sensible precautions to generally be a bit safer and more relaxed may well do her driving some good, and crucially, mean that she even takes a bit of an interest in it, which puts her at an advantage to 95% of other road users.
Just to get this back on track though, yeah, all women are, quite literally, insane behind the wheel, and are completely incapable of taking even the slightest comment without it being taken as a direct affront to them and their entire family that should be punishable by death. They all drive staring simply at the windscreen, they see no further than that. When the windscreen fills up with darkness or red lights, they apply the brakes. Once it looks like daylight again, they crack on.
Most terrifying is how long they can leave the wipers on after it stops raining. What are you doing that whilst driving a car, you don't notice something flicking across your field of vision constantly and making a loud squeaking noise? What the hell else aren't you noticing?!
The differences in each gender's spatial awareness and such are scientifically documented, so you may well be out of luck there. If her vision is poor, she's probably (without realising) finding the whole situation a lot more difficult than is necessary, a lot more stressful, and a lot more worrying.
In any other situation in life, you wouldn't be surprised if someone feeling particularly stressed and dealing with a fairly difficult task was a little snappy in response...
Add on to that, people generally don't like being criticised, and especially not for something seen to be as simple as driving.
Now we don't know your wife's mind, is she a very confident woman who is completely comfortable in her own skin (do these even exist)? If she isn't a confident person, the criticism may well go down even worse, she may be sitting there thinking you're constantly judging her (which you are) and again, that isn't going to lead to a relaxed drive for her, exacerbating the situation. There's a whole world of amateur psychology you could delve in to, but it may be worth trying to understand the situation from her point of view (although try not to apply too much logic to it
)Any suggestions of IAM will have to be done as a pair as an absolute minimum, alternatively perhaps you go first as was suggested. The thing is, she has to want to as everyone has said, and inspiring her to give a damn is the tough bit.
One suggestion that has worked for me is to point out fuel consumption (if she is paying for her own fuel...). Once it becomes about saving money (for shoes!
) it may then become of interest to her. Furthermore, criticise the mistakes in others, there's plenty of them about. Point out that muggins in front is following too close and having to brake all the time, and explain how as you're just hanging back a bit, you're not having to brake, and you're using way less fuel, and it's so much more relaxed. You stand a better chance of success if you try and unite against other people's s
t driving and try to encourage driving defensively as a means of saving money and of course being safer overall. Taking on board the premise that every other car on the road could do absolutely anything at any time, no matter how stupid (at the moment she is this person for everyone else it seems) and that you, together, are taking some simple, sensible precautions to generally be a bit safer and more relaxed may well do her driving some good, and crucially, mean that she even takes a bit of an interest in it, which puts her at an advantage to 95% of other road users.Just to get this back on track though, yeah, all women are, quite literally, insane behind the wheel, and are completely incapable of taking even the slightest comment without it being taken as a direct affront to them and their entire family that should be punishable by death. They all drive staring simply at the windscreen, they see no further than that. When the windscreen fills up with darkness or red lights, they apply the brakes. Once it looks like daylight again, they crack on.
Most terrifying is how long they can leave the wipers on after it stops raining. What are you doing that whilst driving a car, you don't notice something flicking across your field of vision constantly and making a loud squeaking noise? What the hell else aren't you noticing?!
My wife can take advice thankfully as long as it is understandable. Early on she was a danger in a old corsa. I drove a few miles like her and a few miles as I normally would and let her see the difference. Had her repeat the same journey with a stop watch and drive one way with no advice and one with her agreeing to drive as instructed and see if she notices a difference (lot more relaxed, same time give or take, no near misses or other people around getting upset).
Hire a hire car and teach her clutch control from scratch on a big hill till they get it perfect, teach how to heal and toe, be smooth with the throttle as a linear device not an on and off switch. Take her on some new roads and teach her how to read the road ahead, which corners are opening up and which are tightening etc.
All things she hadn't had a good grasp on before, lots of short journeys on roads she knew so was going too fast, driving too close with poor observation and car control. Now she realises she isn't getting anywhere faster by hassling the car infront and feels in control of her car a lot more. Previously wouldn't have done long joureys on her own but now feels confident to drive 500 miles to see family on her own without incident. Less head thumping the head rest, she got a new bmw and I let her be insured on my cars and she can now rev match down changes
Hire a hire car and teach her clutch control from scratch on a big hill till they get it perfect, teach how to heal and toe, be smooth with the throttle as a linear device not an on and off switch. Take her on some new roads and teach her how to read the road ahead, which corners are opening up and which are tightening etc.
All things she hadn't had a good grasp on before, lots of short journeys on roads she knew so was going too fast, driving too close with poor observation and car control. Now she realises she isn't getting anywhere faster by hassling the car infront and feels in control of her car a lot more. Previously wouldn't have done long joureys on her own but now feels confident to drive 500 miles to see family on her own without incident. Less head thumping the head rest, she got a new bmw and I let her be insured on my cars and she can now rev match down changes
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