Tips to make my car look newer

[0a]

Adjust your headlights to shine directly in the eyes of motorists coming the other way when on dipped beam to get xenon headlight effect

[Mr Snrub]

put a binbag with a 3cm slit in the middle over the back window to accurately simulate modern car visibility

[dave_s13]

toerag said:

get the Mrs to hide in the boot while you go shopping then open it from the inside when you approach

Then on your return. Tap your foot under the back box as a signal for her to open it.

[toerag]

record yourself giving directions then play it when you pull up next to someone at the traffic lights

[drdino]

Foot operated wipers to imitate the automatic ones. Oh, hang on a minute...

[0a]

Also record one side of a conversation and play it back over the car speakers so you can chat merrily away on your "Bluetooth". Only the sharpest wits will spot you are having a "phone call" with yourself.

[Mr Snrub]

Take off the entire front end next time you need to change a headlight bulb

[knitware]

During daytime if you go under a bridge or similar, briefly turn on your lights and upon exit turn off the lights, gives the impression of auto lights, very modern.

[w1bbles]

FourWheelDrift said:

Download the latest brochure for the newest version of your car's dashboard, blow up the centre console tv screen, print it off (on a colour printer, doh!) and then stick it over your dash for the instant update fix.

That is inspired. Given that my Disco won't do over 80 without asmathic wheezing and clouds of black smoke, what should I pre-set the mph and revs at? Say 120mph and 2,000rpm?

If I set the temp. gauge at 'normal', can I ignore any future overheating issues?

[w1bbles]

toerag said:

record yourself giving directions then play it when you pull up next to someone at the traffic lights

It has satnav, although today was the first time I'd used it in years. It tried to get me to turn right onto the High Street in Glasgow. This was not allowed, as the signs indicated. Would my defence of, "I know occifer, but Selga told me to do it because she's working on a 2004 DVD" carry any weight in court?

[0a]

The black smoke is just part of the DPF regeneration cycle, remember

[w1bbles]

toerag said:

get the Mrs to hide in the boot while you go shopping then open it from the inside when you approach

She's been in the boot since an argument we had in 2012.

[w1bbles]

0a said:

The black smoke is just part of the DPF regeneration cycle, remember

Again, inspired. Is that Diesel Parts F*cked? Because that would describe the state of my injectors.

[w1bbles]

Mr Snrub said:

Take off the entire front end next time you need to change a headlight bulb

If you're not familiar with Disco 3's, I don't have to pretend on that front ;-)

[Matt UK]

On a stinking day, drive with all your windows up and smile serenely at other drivers who will assume you have working climate control.

For added effect, plug in an Argos desk fan on max and blast yourself with hot air, in order to ruffle your locks.

Also talk loudly to yourself so others assume your phone has paired seamlessly with your Bluetooth connectivity. Mix it up between laughing (when talking about your bonus) and sternly shouting (when putting a flea in the ear of some underling)

Edited by Matt UK on Saturday 13th August 23:44

[Levin]

Crash the car so that it is recorded as a Cat D, then exaggerate the severity of the crash. Because it's so new and valuable, barrel rolling into a field was only Cat D worthy.

[93DW]

When reversing into a space stare at the sat nav screen to give the illusion you have a reverse camera

[V8Matthew]

During hill starts, set off with the handbrake still on momentarily to simulate the 'auto hold' feature.
When approaching an HGV in lane 1 of the motorway, decelerate right before you pull out to overtake, hey presto - adaptive cruise control!
Tack some B&M LED lights on your front bumper for that authentic DRL look...

[Matt UK]

On the motorway place a brick on the accelerator - bingo, you have cruise control.

[Doofus]

w1bbles said:

My Disco 3 has just hit 160,000 miles after 14 years of life, the last 3 in serious neglect. Driving to Glasgow today and witnessing the clever new Audi indicators, I have decided to do some things to make my car appear to be more modern. The only rule I have applied is that there may be no replacement of things like grilles and lights to bling up the old girl to Disco 4 spec. Here are the top ideas to date:

1. When changing lane, hold the indicator stalk for exactly 3 flashes. Tricky one, this, if the stalks go 'click'.
2. Pretend to be asleep at the wheel while keeping eyes open just a teeny bit with head rolled back and tongue out. Drift over white line and steer car back quickly into lane using knees.
3. Carry an extension lead that I can plug into charging points (but without paying - bonus!).
4. Fit a fake button on the dash that I can press while simultaneously subtly turning the actual key to start the engine.
5. Pour AdBlue onto my boot carpet every now and then.
6. Wait for ages to dip headlights and blame this (if stopped in a road rage incident) on auto-dipping. being 'vah vah slow'
7. Erm...
8. That's it.

Any more ideas?

Roffle

9. Keep your windows closed even in hot weather, so everyone thinks you have climate control.