Tips to make my car look newer

[w1bbles]

My Disco 3 has just hit 160,000 miles after 14 years of life, the last 3 in serious neglect. Driving to Glasgow today and witnessing the clever new Audi indicators, I have decided to do some things to make my car appear to be more modern. The only rule I have applied is that there may be no replacement of things like grilles and lights to bling up the old girl to Disco 4 spec. Here are the top ideas to date:

1. When changing lane, hold the indicator stalk for exactly 3 flashes. Tricky one, this, if the stalks go 'click'.
2. Pretend to be asleep at the wheel while keeping eyes open just a teeny bit with head rolled back and tongue out. Drift over white line and steer car back quickly into lane using knees.
3. Carry an extension lead that I can plug into charging points (but without paying - bonus!).
4. Fit a fake button on the dash that I can press while simultaneously subtly turning the actual key to start the engine.
5. Pour AdBlue onto my boot carpet every now and then.
6. Wait for ages to dip headlights and blame this (if stopped in a road rage incident) on auto-dipping. being 'vah vah slow'
7. Erm...
8. That's it.

Any more ideas?

[Levin]

A Northern Irish number plate, preferably with a prefix like GAZ or BAZ, so that it reflects your name (all the better if it doesn't actually reflect your name). Or just a current NI plate.

[0a]

Turn the engine on and off at junctions

[w1bbles]

Do you think my current one, C11 NTY, is helping?

[matthias73]

Leave fake finance papers on the rear seat, along with a frappuchino

[w1bbles]

0a said:

Turn the engine on and off at junctions

Super smart! Missed that trick. Trouble is it's an auto so I'll have to smash the reversing light bulbs to avoid giving the game away.

[0a]

On a cold winter day, wee yourself to give a short lived impression that you have activated the heated seats

[w1bbles]

matthias73 said:

Leave fake finance papers on the rear seat, along with a frappuchino

Sadly I'd need to wash it first as no-one would believe that a finance company would take it as security. I drove it into a bush two weeks ago by mistake (sort of) and it's got massive scratches down the side. The more I type the more I realise this might blow my cover. I may try to get a decent match from the B&Q value range of emulsion tomorrow.

[Levin]

w1bbles said:

Do you think my current one, C11 NTY, is helping?

Too old money, probably passed down from a great-grandfather. Wealth doesn't whisper, wealth shouts about how it's driving a brand new car with all the options. BAZ 6903 would be much more befitting a powerful company director's fully loaded 2016 Disco.

[w1bbles]

0a said:

On a cold winter day, wee yourself to give a short lived impression that you have activated the heated seats

That's not an unusual scenario. Did I mention it smells a bit?

[Getragdogleg]

Leave it unlocked all the time so you can just get in it like its got keyless entry.

[0a]

Leave your car unlocked when you park it for that keyless entry look

Edit - beaten to it

[w1bbles]

Levin said:

Too old money, probably passed down from a great-grandfather. Wealth doesn't whisper, wealth shouts about how it's driving a brand new car with all the options. BAZ 6903 would be much more befitting a powerful company director's fully loaded 2016 Disco.

Cool. I've ordered M1 NGE. On a side-note, I witnessed some aggressive driving from a white Merc convertible* in Stirling this evening with the plate (I think) M444 TME. I read that as being 'mate me'. I couldn't see whether it was a man or a woman driving, but the fast approach from the rear made me nervous so I bottled it and changed lane.

• The small hairdresser one

[w1bbles]

Getragdogleg said:

Leave it unlocked all the time so you can just get in it like its got keyless entry.

I already subscribe to that. Some of the C/L solenoids have gone into retirement.

[ClaphamGT3]

Break off the gearstick and superglue a wagon wheel or tin of shoe polish to the stub of the lever for the full I-drive effect

Also, let all of your tyres down for the 'super low-profile' look

Edited by ClaphamGT3 on Saturday 13th August 22:36

[LordHaveMurci]

Replace the springs with breeze blocks for that 'firm, sporty drive'.

[shake n bake]

Stick an iPad knock off to the dash and spend far too long looking at it whilst driving for added points?

[0a]

Use indicator and wiper stalks and use kickdown at the same time to simulate flappy paddles

[FourWheelDrift]

Download the latest brochure for the newest version of your car's dashboard, blow up the centre console tv screen, print it off (on a colour printer, doh!) and then stick it over your dash for the instant update fix.

[toerag]

get the Mrs to hide in the boot while you go shopping then open it from the inside when you approach