Discussion
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'
The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'.
The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the green keeper. I'll have a word with him.'
'Hello, George! Said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave soles'
The Aussie said, 'Why can't they f X*# king play at night?'
The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'
The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'.
The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the green keeper. I'll have a word with him.'
'Hello, George! Said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave soles'
The Aussie said, 'Why can't they f X*# king play at night?'
An Aussie was passing over the Sydney Harbour bridge and see's his ex about to jump over.
He stops his Ute and shouts to her "What's going on?"
" You got me pregnant and I'm going to end it all" She replies.
He shouts back " Jeez Sheila, not only are you a good S**g , you're a good sport too!"
He stops his Ute and shouts to her "What's going on?"
" You got me pregnant and I'm going to end it all" She replies.
He shouts back " Jeez Sheila, not only are you a good S**g , you're a good sport too!"
HAD TRAFALGAR HAPPENED TODAY!!!
“Order the signal Hardy!”
“Aye Aye Sir”
“Hold on a minute, that’s not what I dictated to the signal officer. What’s the meaning of this?!”
“Sorry Sir?”
“England expects every person to do their duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion, or disability. What gobbledygook is this?”
“Admiralty policy, I’m afraid Sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job even getting “England” past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”
“Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco”
“Sorry Sir. All Naval vessels have been designated smoke free environments.”
“In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle”
“The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the governments policy on binge drinking”
“Good Heavens Hardy, I suppose we’d better get on with it - Full speed ahead.”
“I think you’ll find that there is a 4 knot speed limit on this stretch of water.”
“Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest, please.”
“That won’t be possible Sir.”
“What?”
“Health & Safety have closed the crow’s nest Sir. No harness. They said that the rope ladder doesn’t meet with regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding is erected”
“Then get the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy”
“He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access for the fo’c’sle Admiral”
“Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”
“Health & Safety again, Sir. We have to provide a barrier free environment for the differently disabled”
“Differently disabled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card!”
“Actually, you did Sir. The Royal Navy is under-represented in areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”
“Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.”
“ A couple of problems with that too sir. Health & Safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets, and they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven’t you seen the adverts?”
“I’ve never heard such infamy! Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”
“The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone Admiral.”
“What? This is mutiny!”
“It’s not that Sir. It’s just that they are afraid of being charged with murder in case they kill anyone. There are a couple of legal aid lawyers watching everyone like hawks.”
“Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”
“Actually, Sir, we’re not”
“We’re not?”
“No Sir, the French & Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t be in this stretch of water anyway. We could get hit for compensation.”
“ But you must hate the Frenchmen as you hate the devil?”
“I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that Sir…you’ll be up on a disciplinary.”
“You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of the King.”
“ Not any more, Sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules.”
“Don’t tell me - Health & Safety. What ever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?”
“As I explained Sir, rum is off the menu, and there’s a ban on corporal punishment.”
“What about sodomy?”
“ I believe it’s to be encouraged Sir.”
“ In that case, kiss me, Hardy.”
BRITAIN NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, SHALL BE SLAVES……..!
“Order the signal Hardy!”
“Aye Aye Sir”
“Hold on a minute, that’s not what I dictated to the signal officer. What’s the meaning of this?!”
“Sorry Sir?”
“England expects every person to do their duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion, or disability. What gobbledygook is this?”
“Admiralty policy, I’m afraid Sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job even getting “England” past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”
“Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco”
“Sorry Sir. All Naval vessels have been designated smoke free environments.”
“In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle”
“The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the governments policy on binge drinking”
“Good Heavens Hardy, I suppose we’d better get on with it - Full speed ahead.”
“I think you’ll find that there is a 4 knot speed limit on this stretch of water.”
“Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest, please.”
“That won’t be possible Sir.”
“What?”
“Health & Safety have closed the crow’s nest Sir. No harness. They said that the rope ladder doesn’t meet with regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding is erected”
“Then get the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy”
“He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access for the fo’c’sle Admiral”
“Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”
“Health & Safety again, Sir. We have to provide a barrier free environment for the differently disabled”
“Differently disabled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card!”
“Actually, you did Sir. The Royal Navy is under-represented in areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”
“Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.”
“ A couple of problems with that too sir. Health & Safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets, and they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven’t you seen the adverts?”
“I’ve never heard such infamy! Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”
“The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone Admiral.”
“What? This is mutiny!”
“It’s not that Sir. It’s just that they are afraid of being charged with murder in case they kill anyone. There are a couple of legal aid lawyers watching everyone like hawks.”
“Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”
“Actually, Sir, we’re not”
“We’re not?”
“No Sir, the French & Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t be in this stretch of water anyway. We could get hit for compensation.”
“ But you must hate the Frenchmen as you hate the devil?”
“I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that Sir…you’ll be up on a disciplinary.”
“You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of the King.”
“ Not any more, Sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules.”
“Don’t tell me - Health & Safety. What ever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?”
“As I explained Sir, rum is off the menu, and there’s a ban on corporal punishment.”
“What about sodomy?”
“ I believe it’s to be encouraged Sir.”
“ In that case, kiss me, Hardy.”
BRITAIN NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, SHALL BE SLAVES……..!
A man saw a gorgeous blonde in the aisle at Tesco's stock still holding a carton of orange juice close to her face......
Ten minutes later he returned to the aisle and saw her in exactly the same spot doing the same thing...
A further 10 minutes went by and he realised he'd forgot something and went back the aisle and there she was motionless staring at the orange carton. He couldn't help himself and asked her what she was up to.
She answered
'It says concentrate'
Ten minutes later he returned to the aisle and saw her in exactly the same spot doing the same thing...
A further 10 minutes went by and he realised he'd forgot something and went back the aisle and there she was motionless staring at the orange carton. He couldn't help himself and asked her what she was up to.
She answered
'It says concentrate'
Demolition Man said:
A man saw a gorgeous blonde in the aisle at Tesco's stock still holding a carton of orange juice close to her face......
Ten minutes later he returned to the aisle and saw her in exactly the same spot doing the same thing...
A further 10 minutes went by and he realised he'd forgot something and went back the aisle and there she was motionless staring at the orange carton. He couldn't help himself and asked her what she was up to.
She answered
'It says concentrate'
Ten minutes later he returned to the aisle and saw her in exactly the same spot doing the same thing...
A further 10 minutes went by and he realised he'd forgot something and went back the aisle and there she was motionless staring at the orange carton. He couldn't help himself and asked her what she was up to.
She answered
'It says concentrate'
Rude but good...
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome to play with us."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend. "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic."
"I can see right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom."
"Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her."
"He's naked, too! Those Rats!"
He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand pounds every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First shoot my wife. She's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."
"Then the neighbour. He's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here."
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome to play with us."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend. "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic."
"I can see right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom."
"Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her."
"He's naked, too! Those Rats!"
He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand pounds every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First shoot my wife. She's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."
"Then the neighbour. He's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here."
Scouser rings local paper to place obituary for his late wife. He only had £1 which would only get him 3 words. He said, write "Margaret is dead".
The guy at the paper felt sorry for him and said "you can have 3 more words with no extra charge".
The scouser said thanks can you write "Margaret is dead, Fiesta for sale".
The guy at the paper felt sorry for him and said "you can have 3 more words with no extra charge".
The scouser said thanks can you write "Margaret is dead, Fiesta for sale".
There was a young woman from Dover who was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the English Channel. She went down to the docks near the quay and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering and crying on the edge of the wharf.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Hawaii in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food everyday." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added;
"I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.Right?" The girl nodded yes.
After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard his ship and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine safety inspection, she was discovered by the Captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained". "I get food and a trip to Hawaii and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the Captain said "This is the Calais Ferry!"
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Hawaii in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food everyday." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added;
"I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.Right?" The girl nodded yes.
After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard his ship and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine safety inspection, she was discovered by the Captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained". "I get food and a trip to Hawaii and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the Captain said "This is the Calais Ferry!"
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticksit in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole!
The bartender screams at the guy, 'Did you see what your monkey just did?'
'No, what?'
'He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!'
'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy, 'he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.'
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him..He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.While the man is having his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. 'Did you see what your monkey did now?'
'No, what?' replied the man.
'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!' said the bartender.
'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy. 'He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.'
The bartender screams at the guy, 'Did you see what your monkey just did?'
'No, what?'
'He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!'
'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy, 'he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.'
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him..He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.While the man is having his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. 'Did you see what your monkey did now?'
'No, what?' replied the man.
'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!' said the bartender.
'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy. 'He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.'
A thin strip of tarmac goes into the pub and orders a pint. He duely picks it up and hurls it across the room smashing glass and spraying beer over the other drinkers. The naive bartender begins to say "Oi, you can't do that in here" when a quiet piece of kerbing pipes up from the corner "I wouldn't if I were you, he's a cyclepath!" 
WARNING CON ARTISTS!!!
I just wanted to let you guys know about a scam going on at Sainsbury's car park. I'd just finished my shopping and was putting my stuff in the car when I was approached by two fit young birds in hot pants.
They tell you that they've lost all their money and ask for a lift home. When you're on the way they strip off and start fondling each other. Then one of them gets into the passenger seat, unzips you and gives you a mother of a blow job.
While that is happening the other one nicks your wallet!
It happened to me last Tuesday, Wednesday and twice on Thursday, so be careful!
I just wanted to let you guys know about a scam going on at Sainsbury's car park. I'd just finished my shopping and was putting my stuff in the car when I was approached by two fit young birds in hot pants.
They tell you that they've lost all their money and ask for a lift home. When you're on the way they strip off and start fondling each other. Then one of them gets into the passenger seat, unzips you and gives you a mother of a blow job.
While that is happening the other one nicks your wallet!
It happened to me last Tuesday, Wednesday and twice on Thursday, so be careful!
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