Discussion
Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'
The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You are all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and there are only two moving parts, the mouth and the a**hole - and they are interchangeable..'
The first surgeon says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'
The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You are all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and there are only two moving parts, the mouth and the a**hole - and they are interchangeable..'
An oldie but a goodie:
An elderly man walked into a confessional booth. The following conversation
ensued:
Man: "I am 82 years old, and have a wonderful wife of 60 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls, hitchhiking. For some reason, they thought I was kind of interesting. One
thing led to another, and we ended up at a motel, where I had sex with each of
them twice."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."
An elderly man walked into a confessional booth. The following conversation
ensued:
Man: "I am 82 years old, and have a wonderful wife of 60 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls, hitchhiking. For some reason, they thought I was kind of interesting. One
thing led to another, and we ended up at a motel, where I had sex with each of
them twice."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."
> A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got one
> minute to get out!'
> The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you B*stard!'
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> Why are women like clouds? eventually they go away and its a really
> niceday
> ------------------------------------------------------------------
> A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat
> Chunky?'
> The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to
> him.
> 'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat Cow.'
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood
> rings so she could monitor my mood.
> We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I
> am in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on her forehead.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to
> check her balance.
> So I pushed her over.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating
> shuttlecocks.
> Bad minton.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an
> angel'.
> His dude replies 'You're so lucky. Mine is still alive...'
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
> A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
> The librarian says; 'No way! you won't bring it back.'
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> 2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over
> 10 minutes.
> 'Crikey mate, that was impressive!'
> 'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wifes
> epileptic'
> minute to get out!'
> The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you B*stard!'
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> Why are women like clouds? eventually they go away and its a really
> niceday
> ------------------------------------------------------------------
> A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat
> Chunky?'
> The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to
> him.
> 'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat Cow.'
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood
> rings so she could monitor my mood.
> We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I
> am in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on her forehead.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to
> check her balance.
> So I pushed her over.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating
> shuttlecocks.
> Bad minton.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an
> angel'.
> His dude replies 'You're so lucky. Mine is still alive...'
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
> A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
> The librarian says; 'No way! you won't bring it back.'
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> 2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over
> 10 minutes.
> 'Crikey mate, that was impressive!'
> 'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wifes
> epileptic'
SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF IRONY
Jay Fullmer, 38, became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony.
"It was weird," Fullmer said. "I was in London and, like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather, eh?" and I thought "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather." Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use irony himself in future. "I'm, like, using it all the time," he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them to shit and I said "Hey, great weather!".
Jay Fullmer, 38, became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony.
"It was weird," Fullmer said. "I was in London and, like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather, eh?" and I thought "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather." Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use irony himself in future. "I'm, like, using it all the time," he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them to shit and I said "Hey, great weather!".
Demolition Man said:
SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF IRONY
Jay Fullmer, 38, became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony.
"It was weird," Fullmer said. "I was in London and, like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather, eh?" and I thought "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather." Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use irony himself in future. "I'm, like, using it all the time," he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them to shit and I said "Hey, great weather!".
Jay Fullmer, 38, became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony.
"It was weird," Fullmer said. "I was in London and, like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather, eh?" and I thought "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather." Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use irony himself in future. "I'm, like, using it all the time," he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them to shit and I said "Hey, great weather!".
Year 2 class comes in from playtime.
Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at playtime?"
Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."
The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."
She does and gets a chocolate Hobnob.
The teacher asks Michael what he did at playtime.
Michael says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."
The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."
Michael does, and gets a chocolate Hobnob. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Mohammad what he did at playtime.
He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Michael, but they threw rocks at me."
The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go to the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."
Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at playtime?"
Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."
The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."
She does and gets a chocolate Hobnob.
The teacher asks Michael what he did at playtime.
Michael says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."
The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."
Michael does, and gets a chocolate Hobnob. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Mohammad what he did at playtime.
He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Michael, but they threw rocks at me."
The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go to the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."
Gas pump.... (some good advice here)
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas
station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas
pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his
greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's
haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings,
Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to
your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying,
'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should
make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at
the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive
fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet
and deposited him, a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a
cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
focused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked
dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking
his big, green head.
What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He
damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my
intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can
loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas
station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas
pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his
greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's
haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings,
Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to
your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying,
'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should
make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at
the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive
fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet
and deposited him, a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a
cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
focused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked
dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking
his big, green head.
What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He
damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my
intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can
loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
Two Essex blonde chicks walk up to a perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it. "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace?" "Yeah, what's it called?"
"Viens a moi"
"VIENS A MOI, what the f**k does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies is French for 'come to me'"
Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again, saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me Trace.
Does it smell like come to you?"
"Viens a moi"
"VIENS A MOI, what the f**k does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies is French for 'come to me'"
Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again, saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me Trace.
Does it smell like come to you?"
A blond girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says:
"Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: "1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 ! That's good, innit?"
"Yes darling, very good."
"Is that because I'm blond?"
"Yes darling, it's because you're blond."
Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! That's good, innit?"
"Yes darling, very good."
"Is that because I'm blond, mummy?"
"Yes darling it's because you're blond."
Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming, and well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!"
She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D hooters at her mum.
"Is that because I'm blond, mummy?"
Her mother replied "No darling, it's because you're 25.
"Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: "1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 ! That's good, innit?"
"Yes darling, very good."
"Is that because I'm blond?"
"Yes darling, it's because you're blond."
Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! That's good, innit?"
"Yes darling, very good."
"Is that because I'm blond, mummy?"
"Yes darling it's because you're blond."
Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming, and well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!"
She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D hooters at her mum.
"Is that because I'm blond, mummy?"
Her mother replied "No darling, it's because you're 25.
MyM8V8 said:
A blond girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says:
"Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: "1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 ! That's good, innit?"
"Yes darling, very good."
"Is that because I'm blond?"
"Yes darling, it's because you're blond."
Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! That's good, innit?"
"Yes darling, very good."
"Is that because I'm blond, mummy?"
"Yes darling it's because you're blond."
Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming, and well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!"
She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D hooters at her mum.
"Is that because I'm blond, mummy?"
Her mother replied "No darling, it's because you're 25.
"Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: "1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 ! That's good, innit?"
"Yes darling, very good."
"Is that because I'm blond?"
"Yes darling, it's because you're blond."
Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! That's good, innit?"
"Yes darling, very good."
"Is that because I'm blond, mummy?"
"Yes darling it's because you're blond."
Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming, and well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!"
She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D hooters at her mum.
"Is that because I'm blond, mummy?"
Her mother replied "No darling, it's because you're 25.
That's a great one!
wolfracer said:
Bumped cos i like this thread...... and there's not much else happening atm.
Two nuns in the bath, one says to the other "Where's the soap..."
The other replies "...doesn't it?!"
As Stigmund said earlier about another - from the Bob Monkhouse joke book.Two nuns in the bath, one says to the other "Where's the soap..."
The other replies "...doesn't it?!"
Here's another nun joke from it:
A young novice returns from a trip to town in distress:
"Mother Superior, Mother Superior, I think I've been graped!!!"
"Don't you mean raped?"
"No, there was a bunch of them!"
A poor bloke in intensive care is suffering from 80% burns.
The young registrar approaches his bed and says: "I got some good news and some bad news for you".
The poor chap replies: " Oh, well, you better give me the bad news first then."
"Well I've got to tell you that the prognosis is not so good and I think you only have a week to live"
The patient asks: "Well what's the good news then?"
Doctor:"Well, you see that gorgeous young blond nurse over there with the big tits?"
"Yes?"
"I'm giving her one tonight."
The young registrar approaches his bed and says: "I got some good news and some bad news for you".
The poor chap replies: " Oh, well, you better give me the bad news first then."
"Well I've got to tell you that the prognosis is not so good and I think you only have a week to live"
The patient asks: "Well what's the good news then?"
Doctor:"Well, you see that gorgeous young blond nurse over there with the big tits?"
"Yes?"
"I'm giving her one tonight."
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