Discussion
An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night, having beer.
All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice!"
The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says:
"Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that WE don't need to drink out of the same glass twice, either!"
The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African and the Australian and then says:
"In London we have so many F****ing South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice!"
The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says:
"Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that WE don't need to drink out of the same glass twice, either!"
The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African and the Australian and then says:
"In London we have so many F****ing South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
Three dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they strike up a conversation.
The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says, "So why are you here?"
The Boxer replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The Doberman says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Lethal injection," came the reply from the sad Boxer.
The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why are you here?"
The Lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman inquired.
"Lethal injection," the dejected Labrador said.
The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks what he's at the vet's for.
"I'm a humper," the Doberman says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, firehydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and well, I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and say, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?"
The Doberman says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!."
The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says, "So why are you here?"
The Boxer replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The Doberman says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Lethal injection," came the reply from the sad Boxer.
The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why are you here?"
The Lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman inquired.
"Lethal injection," the dejected Labrador said.
The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks what he's at the vet's for.
"I'm a humper," the Doberman says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, firehydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and well, I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and say, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?"
The Doberman says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!."
The Parrot
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a
large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off, and
a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his
seatmate.
"Hey, b
h," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make
it snappy!"
The flight attendant looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she
walks back up the aisles and the parrot pipes up again, "God dammit,
you lazy we, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"
Visibly flustered, the flight attendant hurries up the aisle and returns
quickly With the parrot's drink.
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick
service for himself. "Hey, bh," says the man, "get me a dry martini.
And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!"
The flight attendant turns red with anger and runs to the front of the
plane. In a moment, she returns with the First Officer and two burly
male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot,
jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at
20,000 feet.
As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know,
for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls!"
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a
large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off, and
a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his
seatmate.
"Hey, b
h," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and makeit snappy!"
The flight attendant looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she
walks back up the aisles and the parrot pipes up again, "God dammit,
you lazy w
e, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"Visibly flustered, the flight attendant hurries up the aisle and returns
quickly With the parrot's drink.
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick
service for himself. "Hey, b
h," says the man, "get me a dry martini.And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!"
The flight attendant turns red with anger and runs to the front of the
plane. In a moment, she returns with the First Officer and two burly
male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot,
jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at
20,000 feet.
As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know,
for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls!"
A bloke hasnt had an erection in ages so he tries a method he has read about in an old Medical book. This involves placeing a finger in a womens Vagina then rubbing round his nose. That night he gives it a bash, he slips a finger in his wife's love box, feels how nice and wet it is and rubs it round his nose. Instant lob on! He wakes his wife and says "look at this" she replies
"You woke me up to show me you have a feckin nose bleed!"
"You woke me up to show me you have a feckin nose bleed!"
Things to do in class.
-Fake a seizure
-Make loud animal noises and deny doing it
-Think of some new pick up lines. See if they work.
-Churn some butter
-Create a brand new language
-Walls made of brick: count the bricks
-Plot revenge against someone
-Think of nicknames for everyone you know
-Punch a nearby person in the mouth
-See how long you can hold your breath
-Take your pants off and give them to the lecturer
-Chew on your arm until everybody in the classroom notices, then hide under your desk
-Change seats every three minutes
-Run, across the room, tag someone and say "you’re it!"
-Announce to the class that your are God and you are angry
-Think of five new ways to use your shoes
-Run to the window and say, "Sorry, I thought I saw the bat signal"
-Ask the person in front of you to marry you "even if he/she is your gender"
-Start laughing really hard and say "now I get it"
-Make a sundial
-Sell stolen goods
-Bite people
-Summarize the teaching of socrates in 50 words or less
-Give yourself a new identity
-Write a screenplay about a diabetic Swedish girl who can’t swim
-Start a Mexican wave
-Dig an escape tunnel
-Learn voodoo
-Lick yourself clean
-Lick someone else clean
-Learn to tie your shoes with one hand
-See how many push- ups you can do
-Experiment with your sexuality
-Run with scissors
-Bounce up and down fast so it loks like you have to pee until the person next to you notices. Slowly turn your head to face that person and smile widely.
-Write stupid lists.
-Fake a seizure
-Make loud animal noises and deny doing it
-Think of some new pick up lines. See if they work.
-Churn some butter
-Create a brand new language
-Walls made of brick: count the bricks
-Plot revenge against someone
-Think of nicknames for everyone you know
-Punch a nearby person in the mouth
-See how long you can hold your breath
-Take your pants off and give them to the lecturer
-Chew on your arm until everybody in the classroom notices, then hide under your desk
-Change seats every three minutes
-Run, across the room, tag someone and say "you’re it!"
-Announce to the class that your are God and you are angry
-Think of five new ways to use your shoes
-Run to the window and say, "Sorry, I thought I saw the bat signal"
-Ask the person in front of you to marry you "even if he/she is your gender"
-Start laughing really hard and say "now I get it"
-Make a sundial
-Sell stolen goods
-Bite people
-Summarize the teaching of socrates in 50 words or less
-Give yourself a new identity
-Write a screenplay about a diabetic Swedish girl who can’t swim
-Start a Mexican wave
-Dig an escape tunnel
-Learn voodoo
-Lick yourself clean
-Lick someone else clean
-Learn to tie your shoes with one hand
-See how many push- ups you can do
-Experiment with your sexuality
-Run with scissors
-Bounce up and down fast so it loks like you have to pee until the person next to you notices. Slowly turn your head to face that person and smile widely.
-Write stupid lists.
A man got his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights
flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday.
If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then said,
"Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper
flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday.
If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then said,
"Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper
A Welshman, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Welshman took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Welshman had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... .
Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?
After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Welshman took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Welshman had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... .
Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a pub and each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Irishman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Scotsman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAST*RD!!!"
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Irishman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Scotsman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAST*RD!!!"
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the area in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service men descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.
"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realize that is the President's aeroplane?"
"Yup."
"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."
"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is.
"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realize that is the President's aeroplane?"
"Yup."
"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."
"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is.
Brink said:
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the area in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service men descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.
"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realize that is the President's aeroplane?"
"Yup."
"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."
"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is.
"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realize that is the President's aeroplane?"
"Yup."
"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."
"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is.
I heard the same joke, but it was a little different. lol
Brink said:
Q: What's the difference between:
1) a dog scratching the door
2) a woman scratching the door
?
A: When you let the dog in, it will stop whining.
1) a dog scratching the door
2) a woman scratching the door
?
A: When you let the dog in, it will stop whining.
Some of you guys are so sexist
Anyway
A man says to his wife "babe every time i look in the mirror i get a hard on" The wife replies "honey thats cause you look like a c**t"
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