Discussion
A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. He walks up to the barman and says:
'Hi, can I have a pint of lager for me, and a glass of wine for the ostrich.'
Then he turns to the cat and asks 'what would you like?'
The cat replies 'I'll have a gin and tonic - but I'm not paying for it.'
So the barman pours the drinks, gives them to the man and says 'that'll be £9.34 please.'
The man reaches into his pocket, rummages around for a second and then throws down a handful of change onto the bar. The barman counts it and it's exactly the right amount of money. The barman thinks 'that's a bit odd', but he lets it go and the man, the ostrich and the cat go over into the corner and quietly sit and drink their drinks.
A little while later the three come back up to the bar and the man says:
'Hi, can I have a glass of white wine for me, and a double rum and coke for the ostrich.'
Then he turns to the cat and asks 'what would you like?'
The cat replies 'I'll have a double scotch - but I'm not paying for it.'
So the barman pours the drinks, gives them to the man and says 'that'll be £14.87 please.'
The man reaches into his pocket, rummages around for a second and then throws down a handful of change onto the bar. The barman counts it and it's exactly the right amount of money. The barman thinks 'right this is getting seriously weird now', but he lets it go and the man, the ostrich and the cat return to the corner and quietly sit and drink their drinks.
Later the trio come back to the bar once more and the man says:
'Hi, can I have a large glass of red wine for me, and a triple vodka and coke for the ostrich.'
Then he turns to the cat and asks 'what would you like?'
The cat replies 'I'll have a bottle of chilled Bollinger - but I'm not paying for it.'
So the barman pours the drinks, gives them to the man and says 'that'll be £59.13 please.'
Once again the man reaches into his pocket, rummages around for a second and then throws down a handful of change onto the bar. Sure enough, it's exactly the right amount of money. By this point the barman can't contain himself any more and says 'right, what's going on here? You've come into my bar with a cat and an ostrich, which is weird enough, but then every time you buy drinks you reach into your pocket and always pull out exactly the right amount of money. What's going on??'
So the man explains:
'A little while ago I found a genie in a bottle, and he granted me two wishes. The first one was that no matter what I wanted, I would always have exactly the right amount of money in my pocket to buy it. It's brilliant - I've got houses, cars, boats, planes, everything. It's great!'
'Wow, that really does sound great' replies the barman. 'But, what was your second wish...?'
'I wished for a tall bird with long legs and tight p
y!'
'Hi, can I have a pint of lager for me, and a glass of wine for the ostrich.'
Then he turns to the cat and asks 'what would you like?'
The cat replies 'I'll have a gin and tonic - but I'm not paying for it.'
So the barman pours the drinks, gives them to the man and says 'that'll be £9.34 please.'
The man reaches into his pocket, rummages around for a second and then throws down a handful of change onto the bar. The barman counts it and it's exactly the right amount of money. The barman thinks 'that's a bit odd', but he lets it go and the man, the ostrich and the cat go over into the corner and quietly sit and drink their drinks.
A little while later the three come back up to the bar and the man says:
'Hi, can I have a glass of white wine for me, and a double rum and coke for the ostrich.'
Then he turns to the cat and asks 'what would you like?'
The cat replies 'I'll have a double scotch - but I'm not paying for it.'
So the barman pours the drinks, gives them to the man and says 'that'll be £14.87 please.'
The man reaches into his pocket, rummages around for a second and then throws down a handful of change onto the bar. The barman counts it and it's exactly the right amount of money. The barman thinks 'right this is getting seriously weird now', but he lets it go and the man, the ostrich and the cat return to the corner and quietly sit and drink their drinks.
Later the trio come back to the bar once more and the man says:
'Hi, can I have a large glass of red wine for me, and a triple vodka and coke for the ostrich.'
Then he turns to the cat and asks 'what would you like?'
The cat replies 'I'll have a bottle of chilled Bollinger - but I'm not paying for it.'
So the barman pours the drinks, gives them to the man and says 'that'll be £59.13 please.'
Once again the man reaches into his pocket, rummages around for a second and then throws down a handful of change onto the bar. Sure enough, it's exactly the right amount of money. By this point the barman can't contain himself any more and says 'right, what's going on here? You've come into my bar with a cat and an ostrich, which is weird enough, but then every time you buy drinks you reach into your pocket and always pull out exactly the right amount of money. What's going on??'
So the man explains:
'A little while ago I found a genie in a bottle, and he granted me two wishes. The first one was that no matter what I wanted, I would always have exactly the right amount of money in my pocket to buy it. It's brilliant - I've got houses, cars, boats, planes, everything. It's great!'
'Wow, that really does sound great' replies the barman. 'But, what was your second wish...?'
'I wished for a tall bird with long legs and tight p
y!'The new Doctor Who is a Glaswegian.
The first episode will see him in his home town fighting of hoards of Cidermen.
I went hunting today and shot a rabbit.Got it between the eyes on my first shot.
I'm glad my neighbour kept it in a hutch, it made it a lot easier.
The first episode will see him in his home town fighting of hoards of Cidermen.
I went hunting today and shot a rabbit.Got it between the eyes on my first shot.
I'm glad my neighbour kept it in a hutch, it made it a lot easier.
Edited by leigh1050 on Sunday 15th September 11:00
Visibility wasn't good the other day, and I got pulled over by a traffic cop whilst doing 70mph.
He asked, "What would you do if Mr. Fog came down suddenly?"
"I would put Mr. Foot on Mr. Brake," I sarcastically replied.
"Let me start again," he sighed, "What would you do if mist or fog came down suddenly?"
He asked, "What would you do if Mr. Fog came down suddenly?"
"I would put Mr. Foot on Mr. Brake," I sarcastically replied.
"Let me start again," he sighed, "What would you do if mist or fog came down suddenly?"
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend :
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress :
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story :
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?"
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend :
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress :
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story :
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?"
A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said, “If you get in, I’ll give you a lollipop.” The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said “Come on and get in the car with me and I’ll give you two lolly pops.” She kept her eyes on the footpath and continued on her way. The man said “Get in with me and I’ll give you this whole bag of lollipops!” Finally, the girl turned and said “Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!” 
Wyld Stallyn said:
A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said, “If you get in, I’ll give you a lollipop.” The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said “Come on and get in the car with me and I’ll give you two lolly pops.” She kept her eyes on the footpath and continued on her way. The man said “Get in with me and I’ll give you this whole bag of lollipops!” Finally, the girl turned and said “Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!”
Neil lolWyld Stallyn said:
A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said, “If you get in, I’ll give you a lollipop.” The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said “Come on and get in the car with me and I’ll give you two lolly pops.” She kept her eyes on the footpath and continued on her way. The man said “Get in with me and I’ll give you this whole bag of lollipops!” Finally, the girl turned and said “Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!”
WARNING BAD 
Why do fish like arcade games?…Because they are finball wizards
Where do fish put their rubbish?…In a Whalie bin
Is a mermaid a deep-she fish..?
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?…Monkfish
What do you get if you cross a salmon, a bird’s leg and a hand?…Birdsthigh fish fingers
What fish do road-workers use?…Pneumatic krill
What will Santa bring your fish this christmas?…A SCALE-lextrix
1st kipper: ‘Smoking’s bad for you’…2nd kipper: ‘It’s OK, I’ve been cured’
Noah started building several arks for various parts of animal kingdom. One was a split level job for all the fish – a multi-storey carp ark
Why do fish like arcade games?…Because they are finball wizards
Where do fish put their rubbish?…In a Whalie bin
Is a mermaid a deep-she fish..?
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?…Monkfish
What do you get if you cross a salmon, a bird’s leg and a hand?…Birdsthigh fish fingers
What fish do road-workers use?…Pneumatic krill
What will Santa bring your fish this christmas?…A SCALE-lextrix
1st kipper: ‘Smoking’s bad for you’…2nd kipper: ‘It’s OK, I’ve been cured’
Noah started building several arks for various parts of animal kingdom. One was a split level job for all the fish – a multi-storey carp ark
A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was. In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop." He replied,
"Well, I'm in the pub next door."
"Well, I'm in the pub next door."
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